Do You Experience Limerence?

[Luminous]

Limerence:

• Frequent intrusive thoughts about the limerent object (LO), who is a potential sexual partner.
• An acute need for reciprocation of equally strong feeling.
• Exaggerated dependency of mood on LO’s actions: elation when sensing reciprocation, devastation when sensing disinterest.
• Inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time.
• Fleeting relief from unrequited feeling through vivid fantasy about reciprocation by the LO.
• Insecurity or shyness when in the presence of the LO, often manifesting in overt physical discomfort (sweating, stammering, racing heart).
• Intensification of feelings by adversity.
• An aching sensation in “the heart” when uncertainty is strong.
• A general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background.
• A remarkable ability to emphasize the positive features of the LO, and minimise, or empathise with, the negative.

More info:

I would also add to Tennov’s list: a desire for exclusivity.

Interestingly, when describing these traits to the same people that I queried about “limerence” as a term, the responses seemed to split into two general camps:
“That’s just love. You don’t need a special word for that.”
“Don’t be silly. Nobody really feels like that; it’s childish.”

This of course fits with Tennov’s core thesis: that people can be understood as fundamentally different in their experience of love. As limerents and non-limerents. (Either, of course, can be “limerent objects”, which really is an apt coinage. Limerence is projected onto the recipient of desire; they become a screen for the movie that is playing out in the mind of the limerent. They are treated as an object, not a human being seen in their full complexity).

But as with all things worth studying, there is more complexity and subtlety once you start to investigate more deeply. A defining feature of limerence, which probably does separate it from “puppy love” or “a crush”, is the involuntary nature of the experience once it has taken hold. I think this is most readily understood in the case of intrusive thoughts. “Oh I daydream all the time about him” doesn’t really get close to the invasive, relentless and compulsive nature of limerent rumination. You can’t turn it off. You can’t read a book, because every other sentence triggers a thought-bridge back to Them, and that’s it: concentration is impossible. You can’t listen to music, because all songs are about Them. You can’t seem to have a conversation with someone else without finding yourself mentioning Them in relation to… well, anything. They become the central force of gravity in your life. A black hole of attraction.

Urgh, sounds awful; but that’s the other weird feature: it isn’t. Certainly not at first. Mutual limerence experienced by two individuals free to express their feelings is, of course, surpassingly blissful – the “ecstatic union” described by Simone de Beauvoir and inspiration for uncountable numbers of poems and songs. But even in times of uncertainty or adversity, the sensation of limerence can be highly pleasurable in itself. The rush of excitement at the perception of mutual attraction. The thrill of power and hope when you make LO laugh. The intoxicating sense of buoyancy when in the presence of a happy LO.

And intoxication really is the best word I can think of to capture the sensational overload that comes with limerence. Love intoxication. It’s addictive. Like a junkie, limerents indulge themselves whenever they get a chance. “Oh good, a moment alone. I can have a nice fantasy about LO”. “I normally take that route home, but if I take this small diversion in completely the opposite direction I may just happen to bump into LO”. “I better just text LO about this important bit of trivia….. Yes! They’ve responded!” But like any other addiction, after a while the exquisite spike of pleasure can devolve into a habit, and then a craving, and then an impediment to the proper, healthy sources of happiness and fulfillment in life.

 

[cascadeco]

I don't think so? There are enough bullet points that I don't relate to at all or don't think I relate to.

I probably have non limerant crushes, infatuations, fantasizing, being anxious when feeling things are off kilter, emotionally super high when I feel 'connected', but don't think I experience the constant thoughts.

 

[SurrealisticSlumbers]

I have heard this term before. This is not that different from infatuation. It probably affects people with a sexual instinctual variant more than others, I'd imagine, and I would suspect that those predisposed to such strong feelings would most likely be females (the majority anyway), and likely teenagers. I have heard of another term before that seems closely related, called erotomania. Some fan of David Letterman camped out on his property or something, and then committed suicide a few years later; she was said to have suffered from this affliction. Think about Elvis and his female fans - or Beatlemania. Crazed young girls and women who fainted at their shows and basically went nuts! The one guy who comes to mind - and who went the extreme route - was the Jodi Foster nut, John Hinckley, who tried to get her attention by shooting Reagan. He's the only male who comes to mind. I believe he watched "Taxi Driver" like fifty times before the assassination attempt. This kook enrolled at the same college as Foster and followed her around campus. He was obsessed. This is obviously an extreme example.

Personally, in cases where I have had a huge crush on someone like that, I've either dated them (uncommon), or I end up realizing that I don't really want to be with them that way, or come to understand that a relationship with them would not be viable. The idea of being totally consumed by someone to the point of "intoxication," as you put it, seems like some warped version of the "honeymoon phase" - even if you aren't with the person. I think everyone at some point in life has put a crush on a pedestal, but sooner or later, they fall off that pedestal. Not sure that I have experienced a long-term "limerence" to the point of every waking hour being spent thinking of the person.

Though, I have definitely had "celebrity crushes" and been fascinated with certain accomplished people, reading up about them - both men and women (and I am fully straight lol). I'm not sure that's the same thing though, because it's not a romantic thing necessarily; I just like reading lots about highly successful people and trying to learn about how they overcame obstacles in their lives to become who they are today.

I think there's such a difference between really loving someone vs. projecting an ideal or imagined lover onto an unwitting "victim." Someone who suffers from limerence might consider a person to be their meet-all, end-all without even really knowing them. Kind of reminds me of this song I heard by Sting (I'll link it below), "I can't stop thinking about you / I can't stop wanting you this way / I don't care if you exist." I think the point of the song is that Sting is so attracted to this woman, can't stop fantasizing about her, but the woman he's so in love with doesn't even exist except in his mind; another song that's like this is "She's So High" by Tal Bachman. What the heck, I'll link them both...

 

[spirilis]

This is one of those things where if you have to ask, the answer is probably no. Limerent types should know exactly what we're talking about here. Assuming they're adults and have had a couple relationships or so (so that they understand the range of possible crushes they may encounter and how they respond).

 

[Luminous]

I have heard this term before. This is not that different from infatuation. It probably affects people with a sexual instinctual variant more than others, I'd imagine, and I would suspect that those predisposed to such strong feelings would most likely be females (the majority anyway), and likely teenagers. I have heard of another term before that seems closely related, called erotomania. Some fan of David Letterman camped out on his property or something, and then committed suicide a few years later; she was said to have suffered from this affliction. Think about Elvis and his female fans - or Beatlemania. Crazed young girls and women who fainted at their shows and basically went nuts! The one guy who comes to mind - and who went the extreme route - was the Jodi Foster nut, John Hinckley, who tried to get her attention by shooting Reagan. He's the only male who comes to mind. I believe he watched "Taxi Driver" like fifty times before the assassination attempt. This kook enrolled at the same college as Foster and followed her around campus. He was obsessed. This is obviously an extreme example.

Yeah, erotomania may be similar in some ways, but not the same thing.

Really, the person who is the subject of the limerence doesn't have to know anything about it. I have never had a ton of photos or posters of someone, or screamed like a maniac at a concert, or camped out on someone's lawn. This is mostly something that takes place in one's head; it need not be acted upon in extreme ways.

 

[SurrealisticSlumbers]

Yeah, erotomania may be similar in some ways, but not the same thing.

Really, the person who is the subject of the limerence doesn't have to know anything about it. I have never had a ton of photos or posters of someone, or screamed like a maniac at a concert, or camped out on someone's lawn. This is mostly something that takes place in one's head; it need not be acted upon in extreme ways.

Well, in that case, it sounds like a private prison. One's own personal hell. I, for one, can't imagine having those kinds of feelings for someone yet not expressing them; i.e. getting to know that person or grabbing coffee. If this is something you are currently dealing with, I'm sorry to hear it. Sounds very unpleasant. I know what it's like to really find someone attractive, but have you thought about making a move? In my mind, life is too short. Go for it!

 

[Luminous]

Well, in that case, it sounds like a private prison. One's own personal hell. I, for one, can't imagine having those kinds of feelings for someone yet not acting on them; i.e. getting to know that person or grabbing coffee. If this is something you are currently dealing with, I'm sorry to hear it. Sounds very unpleasant. I know what it's like to really find someone attractive, but have you thought about making a move? In my mind, life is too short. Go for it!

Thank you; I appreciate your sentiments.

This thread is more from just curiosity, though, to see how many people have experienced limerence and how many have not...

 

[SD45T-2]

Once, at least in my adult life. I'm not sure how to correctly diagnose my childhood crushes. Anyway, it was rather traumatic and disorienting because I had never experienced anything quite like it before.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Nope, I am obvious Sx last.

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

Still no.

 

[Flâneuse]

Yeah, but thankfully it's decreasing more and more as I get older. It was at its peak during my late teens and early twenties but has dwindled since then. These days I think the most fulfilling relationships are built on mutual understanding, shared values and emotional connection, and that infatuation can be horribly misleading.

 

[rav3n]

The closest was a low level crush on a guy in cyberspace. Didn't even know what he looked like, only finding his giant brain very attractive. But I wasn't obsessive about it (no intrusive thoughts), only enjoying the random interactions when they happened and greatly enjoyed his posts, even when I disagreed with them. Sex never occurred to me with him, only the desire to get to know him better and if that ended in friendship, that was just as fine too.

 

[Lady Lazarus]

Yes. But virtually almost never and only with women. With men the in between step has always been virtually non-existent. Perhaps because that is just as constricting and selective in the earliest of preliminary stages alone.

 

[Hiraeth]

Definitely guilty. I tend to do this with the person I'm infatuated with at the moment. I don't even have to really know them, but I'd idealize what they'd be like in my head constantly. I've had it where I felt rejected during a real life encounter once, and yes, it was absolutely painful. There are times even today where I still think about certain LOs from the past, but I don't obsess over them as I did before. Christ, I need help...

Honestly though, I thought this was something almost everyone did. Guess I was wrong, and now people know I'm a psycho.

 

[spirilis]

Definitely guilty. I tend to do this with the person I'm infatuated with at the moment. I don't even have to really know them, but I'd idealize what they'd be like in my head constantly. I've had it where I felt rejected during a real life encounter once, and yes, it was absolutely painful. There are times even today where I still think about certain LOs from the past, but I don't obsess over them as I did before. Christ, I need help...

Honestly though, I thought this was something almost everyone did. Guess I was wrong, and now people know I'm a psycho.

Meh, I have found myself randomly searching for past LOs just to see what they're up to. I have no intention of establishing contact with them. Just quietly observe and then close the browser...

 

[Population: 1]

I’ve been guilty of the idealizing part or at the very least refusing to acknowledge someone’s shortcomings even as I was aware of them but I don’t relate to the rest except being a nervous wreck around a woman I really like but that in and of itself isn’t unusual I think. Limerence doesn’t sound like a fun state to be in.

 

[Tilt]

Yes. More than I would like to admit but surprisingly, I am actually quite close to my former limerant objects. My last one was an INTJ... there was always some weird connection between us but deep down, I knew that he wasn't the right person for me. I straight up broke off connection abruptly 3 times within the last 18 months. But he's incredibly understanding and we're on good terms.

The weird thing is I am usually attuned to it so I keep a certain emotional distance until I can work through my weirdness. Shockingly, those people don't find me creepy and actually consider me quite normal. It's really funny but I am going on a strictly platonic trip with one of them next year. ☺️

I seem to fall super hard for people who represent traits that I want to incorporate into my persona/image.

 

[Hiraeth]

Meh, I have found myself randomly searching for past LOs just to see what they're up to. I have no intention of establishing contact with them. Just quietly observe and then close the browser...

It's more of a faint memory that pops up every so often beyond my control, but I don't care to establish a possible relationship with them either now that I've moved on. There used to be times in the past when I'd revisit previous LOs to imagine what could have been for fun, but now I make it a habit to avoid doing that.

 

[Lib]

Yeah, I did suffer a temporary loss of sanity over a guy who later became my boyfriend. That's not love, it's just stupid. I didn't sleep on his porch or write poems, the drama was taking place entirely in my head, as usual. And I was criticizing him quite a lot... it didn't work out

 

[Luminous]

Honestly though, I thought this was something almost everyone did. Guess I was wrong, and now people know I'm a psycho.

Welcome to the club!

I do think some of the nonlimerent people are misunderstanding this... it's not about being a creepy stalker. You can feel it and not infringe on someone else's privacy or space. At a previous point in my life, I felt that imagining someone I was attracted to in *certain contexts was an infringement on his privacy (which I now think was silly...) So the point that this doesn't have to be "creepy" stands. Not only are the limerent capable of not acting out in inappropriate physical ways, they may keep themselves from acting out (acting in?) in inappropriate mental ways.

*sexual. Yes, I was somewhat repressed.