Do Strangers Approach You?

[Siúil a Rúin]

I've been wondering how most people experience this issue. It has always been a problem for me and I'm not certain why.

It could be normal socially and I'm introverted enough to find it bizarre.
It could be my body language when walking that makes people feel I'm approachable
It could be a gender dynamic issue since most approaching me are men.
Something else?

It happened again this morning on my walk in a safe neighborhood. I had to sit down for a moment on the sidewalk to stretch my back because it has issues. As I got up after a couple of seconds to continue a walk, a lone man who was about 200 feet away was swinging his arms in an exaggerated wave and saying "hello!". I turned around and walked the other way briskly and turned into the first street. I've also had strangers calling out to me for cigarettes.

I'm middle-aged woman and wear baggy sweatshirts when I walk and they only see me from far away, so I don't think it could be an issue of attraction. Maybe I hobble along and look like an easy scam? I'm mildly athletic, but my back hurts a lot in the morning so maybe I walk funny. It is an ongoing stress for me. It feels very predatory and I cannot comprehend why I can't be left alone. I'm not making eye contact or walking towards groups of people.

Does this also happen to guys? Other women? Which gender approaches you or is it equal? What is going on?

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

I've been wondering how most people experience this issue. It has always been a problem for me and I'm not certain why.

It could be normal socially and I'm introverted enough to find it bizarre.
It could be my body language when walking that makes people feel I'm approachable
It could be a gender dynamic issue since most approaching me are men.
Something else?

It happened again this morning on my walk in a safe neighborhood. I had to sit down for a moment on the sidewalk to stretch my back because it has issues. As I got up after a couple of seconds to continue a walk, a lone man who was about 200 feet away was swinging his arms in an exaggerated wave and saying "hello!". I turned around and walked the other way briskly and turned into the first street. I've also had strangers calling out to me for cigarettes.

I'm middle-aged woman and wear baggy sweatshirts when I walk and they only see me from far away, so I don't think it could be an issue of attraction. Maybe I hobble along and look like an easy scam? I'm mildly athletic, but my back hurts a lot in the morning so maybe I walk funny. It is an ongoing stress for me. It feels very predatory and I cannot comprehend why I can't be left alone. I'm not making eye contact or walking towards groups of people.

Does this also happen to guys? Other women? Which gender approaches you or is it equal? What is going on?

Sometimes. Usually, they want money, sometimes cigarettes. In Philly, it was more common for people to bother me for directions, which I hated. I hate people interrupting me like this and I want to be left alone, but I do sometimes give them money.

It's always men, unless the objective is for me to have them join their church, in which case it's sometimes women.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

Yeah - I guess people are epically lonely and strapped for cash to buy cigarettes

 

[SensEye]

Panhandlers, evangelists, and to a lesser extent anybody selling something are an issue for everybody. They need to cast their net over a wide range to snag anything so they approach just about everyone.

As for just random strangers, you are probably mainly suffering from a gender dynamic as you infer. Being an F type, you might also exhibit more approachable body language, but that's probably not a major issue. Had you not walked away from the man in your o.p. I would have been curious to know what he was after. Probably a lame attempt to flirt.

I would say almost nobody without a reason like the above approaches me as there is no motivation to flirt. The odd person might start making small talk if we are both stuck waiting around for a bus or some other service, but even that is rare.

 

[The Cat]

Yes. Usually to make talk which is small. It is pleasant. I tend to remind people of someone they know.

 

[Vendrah]

Does this also happen to guys? Other women? Which gender approaches you or is it equal? What is going on?

A lot of your US "peers" did answered positively and even outside the US its normal.
I never stop to think about it till today, but in fact more men approach me than women even though I am a men.
This is much more common in small cities than in huge cities and capital. When I lived at the nation's capital, people approaching me were rarer, though.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

People approach me often. Maybe because I am tall and don't look like a troll or serial killer. They often ask me for directions or help, especially women asking me to get something down that is high on a shelf. One time a gentleman insisted I was someone he had recently seen on TV. I think nothing of it.

 

[Coriolis]

I've been wondering how most people experience this issue. It has always been a problem for me and I'm not certain why.

It could be normal socially and I'm introverted enough to find it bizarre.
It could be my body language when walking that makes people feel I'm approachable
It could be a gender dynamic issue since most approaching me are men.
Something else?

It happened again this morning on my walk in a safe neighborhood. I had to sit down for a moment on the sidewalk to stretch my back because it has issues. As I got up after a couple of seconds to continue a walk, a lone man who was about 200 feet away was swinging his arms in an exaggerated wave and saying "hello!". I turned around and walked the other way briskly and turned into the first street. I've also had strangers calling out to me for cigarettes.

I'm middle-aged woman and wear baggy sweatshirts when I walk and they only see me from far away, so I don't think it could be an issue of attraction. Maybe I hobble along and look like an easy scam? I'm mildly athletic, but my back hurts a lot in the morning so maybe I walk funny. It is an ongoing stress for me. It feels very predatory and I cannot comprehend why I can't be left alone. I'm not making eye contact or walking towards groups of people.

Does this also happen to guys? Other women? Which gender approaches you or is it equal? What is going on?

People often approach me in stores, thinking I am an employee. They are usually women. This is tiresome, and while I try not to be rude, my response is generally rather blunt.

Oddly, I have often been approached while travelling overseas, again usually by women. I have been asked things as diverse as where to buy train tickets to how to find a specific street or building, to whether I can lend them a pen to write something down. Even though I am a visitor and stranger to the area, I usually can answer questions like the first, I surprise them when I say I don't know the area and can't give directions, and I always have a pen.

 

[Luminous]

Not that often, but I'm basically a hermit. When I used to go for walks outside in a large city, I mostly wasn't, but that might have partly been because of the time in the evening when I went. In the inner city where there are more panhandlers, it's more like above mentioned where they ask everyone passing by.

I guess it's typically happened more in airports (a Spanish speaker asking for help, and a pilot under no obligation asking me and my so if we needed help because we were looking around at the architecture and must have looked lost). And in grocery stores (other customers asking for help getting something off a high shelf or just making some commentary on buying or making this or that).

I think a big part of it is likely where you are walking, the kind of community it is.

 

[ceecee]

I get approached regularly in stores - especially grocery. Had a man, on the phone with his wife, ask me where the dishwasher cleaners were last week. I just took him to them as it was in the next isle and I was going there. Teach a man to fish, yanno. I also get a lot of people asking for directions (this is mystifying as they are always holding a phone too). Panhandling, yes and I rarely have cash for them.

We live on the cusp of a more rural-ish area and get a good amount of traffic. We live on a corner and people pull off in front of our house often. Leaking radiators, missing lug nuts, out of gas, unsecured cargo.... after a few people asking for help when we first moved in, we just keep extra stuff in the garage. Never an issue, people are always extremely grateful for the help.

 

[Earl Grey]

I think the times people have approached me is to make sure I'm fine. Apparently I look very young for my age and I've been mistaken for a lost child more than once. Usually they ask if I know the way home or if I need help. Welp.

I also know people think I'd be easy to scam because of the weirdass things they tell me sometimes.

I think it's very gender-dependent but also body-language dependent, men being less likely to be approached.

 

[Totenkindly]

When I was younger and skinnier, guys used to hit on me on the street or follow me. Kind of creepy, even if an odd way it felt like, "huh, I've been noticed." But typically not by guys I'd be interested in. Nowadays I feel more ignored and if I am approached it's not really about attraction.

I don't really go out much nowadays, but in the past I felt like I would inordinately get approached in a store to be asked for help like I was a clerk. I was never dressed like a clerk. I'd help people when I could, but sometimes I'm just thinking, "wtf, do I look like I work here?! Do I have a name badge and store colors?" I still don't get what made them think *I* actually worked there.

One place I did notice approaches was in parking lots at the grocery and stores -- i seemingly was targeted to get asked for money. They weren't asking everyone, they'd just hit on certain people and in my case they'd follow me out to my car and then give me the full story on just needed a few bucks; I'm not sure what I was targeted and others were not. (Age and gender, maybe? I dunno.) You have to remember that while I had a decent job, I don't dress like a high-end professional when out -- I'm usually in t-shirt and shorts/sweat pants/leggings. I just rarely carry cash on me at this point in life, so....

I actually like giving directions and providing information to people, even strangers. I'm glad to be helpful. I'm probably the exact inverse in terms of getting asked for money; that just wigs me out. I guess I feel exploited with strangers I don't know in parking lots asking for cash, I can't tell whether I'm being fleeced and I don't know how to respond. (If i know you and you ask me for money, then I don't feel that way at all and am happy to help if there is a real need.)

 

[Maou]

No, not usually. I do end up being the one to strike up random convos with strangers though. lol like when waiting in a line. I think it's in part cultural too. People don't do this outside the usa.

 

[ceecee]

And in grocery stores (other customers asking for help getting something off a high shelf

*sigh* That me. It makes me crazy when I can't reach.

 

[Totenkindly]

*sigh* That me. It makes me crazy when I can't reach.

Lol, I didn't notice that one up there -- but I do get asked for help by people at the store, I think I just helped a shorter woman a month or two back. I'm a little self-conscious of how tall I am but I am really happy to help people who cannot reach, I can get the top shelf stuff.

 

[Luminous]

*sigh* That me. It makes me crazy when I can't reach.

I'm shorter, but my so is tall enough that he can reach most things, so he gets asked, especially by me since they've put several of the things I consistently buy up way too high. I have occasionally made use of my lack of height to get stuff from way back on the lowest shelves for older people who can't reach so well.

 

[KitchenFly]

Only if they want a cigarette or spear change.

 

[Haight]

Does this also happen to guys? Other women? Which gender approaches you or is it equal? What is going on?

For starters, it really depends on where you live. For instance, growing up in California, most people are friendly. And a large percentage are overtly friendly. However, over hear on the East Coast . . . not so friendly.

Beyond the environmental, I find it to be situational. For example, my standard vibe is "don't talk to me," and that has been honed over the years. I think I'm currently at the "Expert" stage in that regard. However, if someone does talk to me, I act very friendly. Mostly because I am happy and friendly. I'm just selective regarding who I display that to. And of course, I'm an introvert. There's only so much friendly to go around.

I do tend to get "hit on" quite a bit. Moreso when I was younger, of course. Not sure why. Probably because I was raised by my mother and grandmother, so I am a bit androgynous, I suppose.

 

[Lexicon]

I think region can definitely be a factor in the US. I've lived in CT, FL, GA, LA, MA, NH, and CA - back around to New England again, and traveled abroad, as well.

FL, GA, & LA - people are more apt to be chatty in the South, and slower moving about, in my experience. I'd forgotten this on a trip yrs ago to NC, standing in the checkout aisle of a small market, an introverted New Englander, balancing groceries in my arms, quietly waiting for the locals in line and at the register to hurry-the-hell-up-please-dammit. They chatted with me, as well, as my ice cream softened. I hate being trapped in conversations, but I give off a friendly vibe, I guess. What might have been a 5 min errand in New England became a 15-20 min one in NC.



New England- it's cold. We have things to do. When it's warm, we have even MORE to do- with limited time- and you're delaying that. What do you WANT?! Generally people approach one another less up here- unless it's absolutely necessary. Or if they're drunk at a large gathering. That stated, I am approached often, or chatted with in line. Or questioned. I don't seek it out. It feels foreign, and more so if I haven't left the house for awhile.


At 5'9", I'm tall and lanky, so I frequently grab things off of high shelves upon request. Older women ask that one of me pretty often. I've just started doing it preemptively now. It's become a reflex- when I see tiny people halfway climbing a shelf for something I'll reach over them and pass it to them, but I try to keep walking when I do. Your local Grabby Fairy. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Nevermind.


An old lady asked me what pullover bra size she should get, as we were looking at the same rack (no pun intended). Another lady asked me about skincare products while I was searching for my regular stuff in CVS- that one has happened a few times. Shopping is a necessary evil to me, not a leisure activity, so I'm kind of on a mission when I go. I would really think I must appear unfriendly, but apparently not?


Little kids wave at me a lot, and it's creepy. Or talk at me in line. Kids seem to like me a lot in general, and I don't know why. Help me.


People will say hi or good morning/smile/wave at me if we accidentally make eye contact walking down the street- regardless of age/gender. I'm reserved, so it still feels jarring. I do the polite smile/muted greeting, look at my feet/break eye contact like a weirdo in response a lot. I get people asking for directions etc if I'm in a city, even if I don't know where I am/am visiting.


Honestly, I think because I'm female with a slight frame (I'm not a body-builder) and seem calm, and downright awkward (I'm a klutz), I just come off as non-threatening. Non-threatening means approachable. We're social animals- some more than others, so non-threatening people are merely an avenue to exercise that, I guess. My friends have made a trademark jingle, singing that I'm Everybodys Best Friend, because this happens so much, and I'll end up in extended conversations with strangers that share oddly personal details with me. I don't feel like I do anything terribly different from most people to elicit such interactions. If someone speaks to me, I guess I must respond in a way that makes them feel heard. Either that, or this little corner of the world just has a LOT of over-sharers. Really could be either one.

Strangers/panhandlers don't ask me for money - probably because I don't look like I have much, either.



The genders- in terms of approach frequency- seem to lean toward women/children approaching me more for extended interactions than men.

Men do approach me/make smalltalk in line, etc, but rarely to hit on me, as far as I can tell, though friends have stated at times that the approach had that intent while I'd disagree. I feel like it's presumptuous and don't want to assume that's the motive, unless it's explicitly expressed. I do have a blind spot on that front, to some extent. It's clearer when observing exchanges between other people. I have had men approach just to directly compliment me, but it's very rare and horribly awkward for both parties. I mean... I don't know what to do with that information.



In short, people are strange and don't make sense. But buried deep in the human psyche is that innate need for human connection. I sometimes enjoy crowded places even if I don't want to speak to anyone or be spoken to. It's just that paradoxical pull inside all of us. Some people express/experience it differently, and sociocultural/geographic trends influence that, as well as our our receptivity to it.



Sidenote: In comparing gender frequency, I don't count cat-calls as approaches. These are not genuine human exchanges - more so just some absurd verbal incontinence.


Now, cats- they approach me! Okay, not *all* of them. But I win over all that I meet. They are all friends. They just don't know it, yet. I prefer these exchanges above the rest. I think if I were trapped in as many conversations with cat strangers as I have been with human ones, I could die happy.

 

[The Cat]

I think region can definitely be a factor in the US. I've lived in CT, FL, GA, LA, MA, NH, and CA - back around to New England again, and traveled abroad, as well.

FL, GA, & LA - people are more apt to be chatty in the South, and slower moving about, in my experience. I'd forgotten this on a trip yrs ago to NC, standing in the checkout aisle of a small market, an introverted New Englander, balancing groceries in my arms, quietly waiting for the locals in line and at the register to hurry-the-hell-up-please-dammit. They chatted with me, as well, as my ice cream softened. I hate being trapped in conversations, but I give off a friendly vibe, I guess. What might have been a 5 min errand in New England became a 15-20 min one in NC.



New England- it's cold. We have things to do. When it's warm, we have even MORE to do- with limited time- and you're delaying that. What do you WANT?! Generally people approach one another less up here- unless it's absolutely necessary. Or if they're drunk at a large gathering. That stated, I am approached often, or chatted with in line. Or questioned. I don't seek it out. It feels foreign, and more so if I haven't left the house for awhile.


At 5'9", I'm tall and lanky, so I frequently grab things off of high shelves upon request. Older women ask that one of me pretty often. I've just started doing it preemptively now. It's become a reflex- when I see tiny people halfway climbing a shelf for something I'll reach over them and pass it to them, but I try to keep walking when I do. Your local Grabby Fairy. Wait, that doesn't sound right. Nevermind.


An old lady asked me what pullover bra size she should get, as we were looking at the same rack (no pun intended). Another lady asked me about skincare products while I was searching for my regular stuff in CVS- that one has happened a few times. Shopping is a necessary evil to me, not a leisure activity, so I'm kind of on a mission when I go. I would really think I must appear unfriendly, but apparently not?


Little kids wave at me a lot, and it's creepy. Or talk at me in line. Kids seem to like me a lot in general, and I don't know why. Help me.


People will say hi or good morning/smile/wave at me if we accidentally make eye contact walking down the street- regardless of age/gender. I'm reserved, so it still feels jarring. I do the polite smile/muted greeting, look at my feet/break eye contact like a weirdo in response a lot. I get people asking for directions etc if I'm in a city, even if I don't know where I am/am visiting.


Honestly, I think because I'm female with a slight frame (I'm not a body-builder) and seem calm, and downright awkward (I'm a klutz), I just come off as non-threatening. Non-threatening means approachable. We're social animals- some more than others, so non-threatening people are merely an avenue to exercise that, I guess. My friends have made a trademark jingle, singing that I'm Everybodys Best Friend, because this happens so much, and I'll end up in extended conversations with strangers that share oddly personal details with me. I don't feel like I do anything terribly different from most people to elicit such interactions. If someone speaks to me, I guess I must respond in a way that makes them feel heard. Either that, or this little corner of the world just has a LOT of over-sharers. Really could be either one.

Strangers/panhandlers don't ask me for money - probably because I don't look like I have much, either.



The genders- in terms of approach frequency- seem to lean toward women/children approaching me more for extended interactions than men.

Men do approach me/make smalltalk in line, etc, but rarely to hit on me, as far as I can tell, though friends have stated at times that the approach had that intent while I'd disagree. I feel like it's presumptuous and don't want to assume that's the motive, unless it's explicitly expressed. I do have a blind spot on that front, to some extent. It's clearer when observing exchanges between other people. I have had men approach just to directly compliment me, but it's very rare and horribly awkward for both parties. I mean... I don't know what to do with that information.



In short, people are strange and don't make sense. But buried deep in the human psyche is that innate need for human connection. I sometimes enjoy crowded places even if I don't want to speak to anyone or be spoken to. It's just that paradoxical pull inside all of us. Some people express/experience it differently, and sociocultural/geographic trends influence that, as well as our our receptivity to it.



Sidenote: In comparing gender frequency, I don't count cat-calls as approaches. These are not genuine human exchanges - more so just some absurd verbal incontinence.


Now, cats- they approach me! Okay, not *all* of them. But I win over all that I meet. They are all friends. They just don't know it, yet. I prefer these exchanges above the rest. I think if I were trapped in as many conversations with cat strangers as I have been with human ones, I could die happy.

I have been called a cat shepherd when i used to do door to door. There are few things in life as rewarding as being in the center of a clowder of cats as you make your way down the street. If Japan keeps getting deserted I might move there to one of the cat islands to hold court with my people.