[MBTI General] Could You Forgive A Partner For Cheating?

[Cellmold]

I think monogamy is unnatural to us as a species, which is probably why it hurts so much when someone does cheat; we've been taking great pains and efforts to uphold our unnatural notions and idealisms of being faithful, but our biology constantly lures us into the world of questionable, grey ethics.

It's why stating something as being natural is very context dependent. It certainly isn't an automatic 'ok' for behaviour. Is giving into our worst excesses and emotions natural? I would argue it is, as they hold a much greater sway than not engaging with them. That doesn't mean it is the best outcome.

Mind you, this gets into a very muddled epistemological area to do with free will and determinism.

 

[cascadeco]

I've spent an inordinate amount of the first half of my life confusing *understanding* why someone does something or is some way to 'being ok' with it. ie thinking because I ultimately understand the psychology and can empathize in some form to any number of things someone does, to then equating that to my needing to accept it or tolerate it. In fact *I* don't have to be the one who merges with/accepts that -- I can be a casual bystander or empathize as a human being, but I don't have to be the one who integrates my life with such nonsense. I think I'm done doing that.

I can 'understand' all sorts of reasons why someone might cheat (though my own values are such that I think it's totally lame that someone would actually cheat and not just break up / end the relationship then and there, the minute the inclination to cheat unfolds); the relationship might have become distant, some people of both sexes may in fact not be interested in monogamy, I have a firm belief some relationships have end points and there is likely not even anything wrong with that (two people end up diverging too much with time to sustain), the relationship might be founded on a shitty foundation to begin with, one is lonely, one is not getting enough of x, y, or z, the two people might frankly be really unhealthy and terrible together in the first place, needs aren't being met, the list can go on and on.

But my answer now is - nope, given where I am now in life and the sort of relationship I want, if cheating would occur, it's a no-brainer that that's the end point of the relationship - we should no longer be together. I don't even have a strong desire anymore to be in a relationship, though ofc I'd dive in with the right person. He cheats on me? Ok cool - I now have the info that he needs/wants something else /our relationship is unsustainable -- so he can go find that. (I mean I'm being kind of tongue in cheek here, but I think I've overextended/tried to empathize enough in the past to last a lifetime, that I have no desire to overextend any 'understanding' of this sort of thing any longer).

 

[Zhaylin]

Despite everything, I can still forgive it.
My ex put me through the wringer. He always wanted to introduce a new person into the mix. Then, at one point, he was playing around with being a P.I. And he had a couple bugs set up in the house. I had to sit and listen to him tell his best friend that he never loved me and was only with me for the kids (I was in another room when he said that. Idiot forgot all about his toys).
I moved to WV, from FL, when we fell on hard times. I was about 21 years old. I met my bio dad and 3 half siblings.
My ex moved up here and promptly began an affair with my underaged sister and living- part time- in the home of my bio dad.
He moved back to FL and I forgave them both. But my newly formed relationship with my family never recovered.

Then, I fell in love again. It’s been sexless for some 8+ years. He died, what 9 days ago, and I found out he’s been having an emotional affair with someone he knew way before my time. They spoke almost every day since 2017. I didn’t get a single cuddle but I know in my bones that they were wanking each other off over FaceTime.
They had a bond. He was lonely. She was very intelligent, doing a similar job as him.
I am downright SEETHING with anger, but I already forgive them. Screw them both, yet more power to them.

Sex is sex. Sex does not automatically equal love. It would have been MUCH easier if it was a one night stand.
But, I swear to God, don’t tell me you’re fine and consistently push me away while searching out a constant connection with someone else.

And, dollars to donuts, men may think it’s all well and good to have comfort at home and spice elsewhere- but I guarantee the majority of them would become a nightmare if their woman did that.

 

[Agent Washington]

I find dedication an attractive trait.

 

[Virtual ghost]

My biggest problem with the question comes down to "Why would I actually do that ?"

 

[1487610420]

Nope

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

No forget, No forgive. Unless we let the doors open, which means libertinage was part of our rules.

You break the rules : GAMEOVER. It is a question of respect.


Playing with the idea of "being able to cheat on someone" and doing it (a stab in your back) is totally different.

Of course I'm not a nun, I already had (1) lover(s) but I suppose I gave a warning before. Whether the person wanted to hear it or not, it is something else and we would enter another subject called Denial.

 

[senza tema]

I have and probably could again. It's somewhat dangerous though in terms of setting a precedent for your partner to not respect you.

 

[Norrsken]

No.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

Never.

I'm highly monogamous. If you wanna play with others, then find someone else who is compatible with you (shouldn't be too difficult) because it's not me. Everybody wins.

 

[Abcdenfp]

I have and probably could again. It's somewhat dangerous though in terms of setting a precedent for your partner to not respect you.

Agreed boundaries should always be set. You should know the terms of what You and your partner would accept and respect it. Most people once they know someone will accept changes to the terms tend to repeat the behavior

 

[Earl Grey]

I would, but that is entirely dependent on why and their attitude in handling it and making amends after.

 

[Stigmata]

I could probably forgive them personally, but there's no way we can continue on in a monogamous relationship. To me, if you cheat, it's as if you're lying in wait for a potentially better romantic option, and there's absolutely no way I'm going to be anyone's consolation prize or their jumping off point until they can land someone better.

 

[I Tonya]

Yes, I think people are weak and cheating is quite common. I think its fine if they are attracted to me more than others, and occasionally have flings. If they end up falling for another girl then I don't see why our relationship should be an obstacle for their love. I'm not overly invested in relationships nor seek them as a priority. I drive a lifestyle that does not slow down for anyone- keep my pace and you won't be left behind. If they get caught up in another relationship, I won't stick around til' things settle out.

This sounds a bit harsh so let me say, I have value my close friends and if I'm emotionally invested in someone that's a different story.

 

[highlander]

I have yes.

 

[Sacrophagus]

There are no angles to this question. Cheating means acting out of the initial agreement. If the agreement makes it clear that fucking other people is acceptable, then there's nothing to argue.


Otherwise, I see nothing to forgive. By cheating, she has only dishonored herself and proved herself unworthy. That's her business. Whatever we had will cease to exist.

 

[Abcdenfp]

There are no angles to this question. Cheating means acting out of the initial agreement. If the agreement makes it clear that fucking other people is acceptable, then there's nothing to argue.


Otherwise, I see nothing to forgive. By cheating, she has only dishonored herself and proved herself unworthy. That's her business. Whatever we had will cease to exist.

Is this really so black and white? I mean I know I "feel" like i would never forgive someone cheating on me particularly after setting clear boundaries. But what if the circumstances are blurred? for example someone took advantage of a situation where your significant other wasn't fully in their senses OR perhaps you were neglecting your significant other or were distant and someone took advantage of their loneliness? are you to blame as well or just the cheating spouse?

just devils advocate on this "hard and fast" decision you have made on the persons worth and your capabilities of forgiveness

 

[The Cat]

Sure, why not?

 

[Sacrophagus]

Is this really so black and white? I mean I know I "feel" like i would never forgive someone cheating on me particularly after setting clear boundaries. But what if the circumstances are blurred? for example someone took advantage of a situation where your significant other wasn't fully in their senses OR perhaps you were neglecting your significant other or were distant and someone took advantage of their loneliness? are you to blame as well or just the cheating spouse?

just devils advocate on this "hard and fast" decision you have made on the persons worth and your capabilities of forgiveness

By saying there's nothing to forgive, I assert that I will not take it personally as to harbor malice towards that person. It's like nothing happened and only the end of our relationship will ensue. In peace we met, and in peace we part ways.


As for the black and white perspective, it never is the case for many people, but for those of us who subscribe to rigorous boundaries, it is as clear as the shining sun.

-If you are afraid to be taken advantage of, do not put yourself in suspicious positions.
-If there are any problems in the relationship you should be able to communicate them, regardless of my intuitive ability to pinpoint anything that is going wrong.
-If your needs are not met in the relationship, leave it.
-If I can judge that things happened outside of your ability to make a sane decision, e.g someone drugged you, then it is a given you've done nothing and you were a victim.

I will not look for an excuse for myself if I cheat on my partner. I am honest enough to tell people to respect themselves and preserve their dignity. I am austere double that on myself. And since I am too proud a human being I will not accept misplaced mercy from my partner instead of teaching myself a lesson. That is my credo, and to each their own.

 

[Abcdenfp]

By saying there's nothing to forgive, I assert that I will not take it personally as to harbor malice towards that person. It's like nothing happened and only the end of our relationship will ensue. In peace we met, and in peace we part ways.


As for the black and white perspective, it never is the case for many people, but for those of us who subscribe to rigorous boundaries, it is as clear as the shining sun.

-If you are afraid to be taken advantage of, do not put yourself in suspicious positions.
-If there are any problems in the relationship you should be able to communicate them, regardless of my intuitive ability to pinpoint anything that is going wrong.
-If your needs are not met in the relationship, leave it.
-If I can judge that things happened outside of your ability to make a sane decision, e.g someone drugged you, then it is a given you've done nothing and you were a victim.

I will not look for an excuse for myself if I cheat on my partner. I am honest enough to tell people to respect themselves and preserve their dignity. I am austere double that on myself. And since I am too proud a human being I will not accept misplaced mercy from my partner instead of teaching myself a lesson. That is my credo, and to each their own.

If your needs are not met in the relationship, leave it. I think a lot of people are in relationships where their needs are not being met however a sense of duty/time invested/personal history/public perception .. many factors make this not always a simple scenario
i do however agree with you on this point.

If there are any problems in the relationship you should be able to communicate them - i agree with you whole heartedly that you SHOULD be able to communicate your issues with your partner however some people are less receptive to digging into issues especially when they have never seen this done as an example in their childhood/ lives.

If I can judge that things happened outside of your ability to make a sane decision, e.g someone drugged you, then it is a given you've done nothing and you were a victim. - i know you state this as if it is blaringly obvious (because for you it is and thank god) but i can not tell you how many women across the world are victims of this and worse and they are labeled. blamed and made to be victims all over again by their community and their loved one.