Bullying

[scantilyclad]

I was bullied by this one guy during my freshmen year in high school and all the way through my sophomore. I started off just ignoring him. He would say very hurtful things to me, regarding my appearance. I would try to ignore him, and tell myself that his words didn't matter, but ignoring him NEVER helped. One time he really angered me and i confronted him and asked him why he hated me so much, and he laughed at me and pinched my belly and told me it was because i'm fat. I wasn't fat at all in high school, i had a very average body type for a 15 year old girl. I couldn't understand why he picked on me so much, because i didn't even know him, but somehow he knew me, and he really truly couldn't stand me. I still to this day don't know why he was so mean to me. I ultimately ended up talking to the principal about him and he was placed in an alternative school for harassment and eventually dropped out.

I was lucky that i wasn't bullied by anyone else in high school, but i was really hurt by the 2 years of bullying that i did get and it caused me to have a warped view of myself. I don't think i could handle my own child being picked on. When i told my parents i was being picked on, they didn't seem too concerned, which was also upsetting to me. I don't even know how to go about handling these sort of things. I just have to hope that Brady won't be the target of bullying, because i might react irrationally if it came up.

 

[prplchknz]

I was bullied in elemetary school then when someone smaller and weaker came I picked on them, it was chain of bullying. I didn't think I could take on the actual bully so to get out my agression another kid got it. I was terrible.

 

[kyuuei]

I suppose everyone's different. I decided that if I was going to function in society I would have to pull strength for myself so that these people didn't get the best of me.. in my head it sounds like getting strength from the bullies, but I believe what I meant to say was mayhap she will find strength *despite* the bullying.

I definitely feel you on the friendship thing though.. It boggles my mind that anyone would find me a friend, or attractive, or genuinely like me for who I am. It's not that I feel that way 100% of the time or anytime at all 100%, but logic and emotion don't always mesh well.

 

[Anja]

I have to take some exception to the hard line that heart is quoting from the book. Modern day rhetoric sometimes oversteps the boundaries of healthy, although unpleasant experiences, that we try to protect our childen from. We want to create perfect lives for our kids. Who wouldn't?

Note, please: It certainly depends on the degree and the length of time the bullying is going on. We can all figure out how damaging it will be if it is persistent. But the troops don't always need to be called out.

Having to go through tough times does build strength against adversity. Nietsche said it very well, and I don't like it, but it is a truism. "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." And there are bullies in the workplace, there are bullies in city government, there are bullies in our church organizations. By the time we come to them we'd better know how to handle these situations on our own because they will be firmly entrenched in their spot by the time they feel assured that their behavior will be accepted.

I think, substitute, that all of us want a better God for our children than we had for ourselves. And life doesn't work that way. My kids went through a lot of rough stuff when they were young. And yes, they carry some battle scars. Who doesn't? But the point is that they have become understanding that mom and dad can't protect them from everything and have learned pretty well how to do it for themselves.

I encountered a work situation once where there was constant scapegoating and learning not to react to it was an effective way to go ahead and do my job until the scapegoaters found another focus. I don't know if it works for children or not. But they certainly need to get to a point where they can't allow others' bad behavior to hinder them. That's a life task for healthful living.

Constant support is probably the most valuable thing you can do for your daughter. And not the "phony" kind someone mentioned earlier that children easily see through. But rather always being there to help bind the wounds and give strength and courage.

You do agree with the aphorism that a parent's purpose is to make themselves uneccessary? That's a hard one to learn to do. Especially with a first child.

And she is on the way now to adulthood. You will both find your way through this and with the level of consciencious care I hear from you you will do well. Parenting suppport groups?

 

[INTJMom]

I was bullied. It was either 1st, 2nd or 3rd grade,
so I was somewhere around 6 - 8 years of age.
He was just bigger than us and a year or so older than us,
and apparently had a mean streak.
I don't remember how much he bullied me.
I only remember one incident.
I had a brand new white knitted hat that my grandmother had made for me.
He filled it with mud and threw it into the woods while I was walking home from school.

One day while I was walking home, I saw him bullying Armand B.
Marcel was throwing rocks at him and making him cry.
Armand B. was the quiet un-cool kid everyone made fun of.
Something inside me rose up with righteous indignation,
and I yelled at and chased Marcel the bully away.
I don't believe he ever bullied me again after that.

I'm getting a vague memory of making a regular habit of standing up to him after that.
I wasn't afraid of him anymore.

 

[Atomic Fiend]

I got bullied relentlessly in middle school, though oddly enough I was such an emotional mess by high school that one wrong move by anyone was meet with confrontation, I was sort of like a scared dog in that manner, I wasn't at all well and was afriad to be put in the same place I was in middle school, so I made sure anyone who tried it got the teeth, and alot of people would try it. Sad really.

 

[substitute]

I wasn't at all well and was afriad to be put in the same place I was in middle school, so I made sure anyone who tried it got the teeth, and alot of people would try it. Sad really.

Yes, that sounds sadly familiar to me. I've gone sorta 'nip it in the bud' too... which can be good when I encounter genuine bullying but then it also has meant in the past that I've interpreted things as bullying and become confrontational when it wasn't warranted.

 

[kyuuei]

And there are bullies in the workplace, there are bullies in city government, there are bullies in our church organizations. By the time we come to them we'd better know how to handle these situations on our own because they will be firmly entrenched in their spot by the time they feel assured that their behavior will be accepted.

That was very well put. I'm not so great with my words, but yes what I had meant to say in the first place is between my support lines and my own inner strength I overcame bullies without being one myself or retaliating in the same way. I decided I needed to make friends to help protect myself and I went out and did just that and people found out I wasn't a crazy mute and pretty normal actually despite my clothes.

Now whenever a company charges my sister wrongly, or the bank messes up, they always come to *me* to tell them otherwise because I'm confident enough to say anything at all! My sister was always really popular but now she doesn't know how to deal with people in a harsh manner without anger.

Sub, I think your daughter will definitely learn how to live. You seem to be doing just fine, and if it's not one quirk it's another.. I'd much rather have illogical paranoia than be dependent on others.

 

[substitute]

Scantilyclad I also relate to what you said about how it warped your self-image. Reminds me of my sister who to this day thinks that her long legs are a BAD feature and wears long skirts and pants to keep them covered. If a guy sees her in shorts or a swimsuit and whisltes she gets upset because she thinks he's being sarcastic and making fun of her 'horrible' legs. Because at school she was picked on for being tall and called 'lanky' (though she wasn't at all lanky).

Anja - laughter can neutralize bullies, laughing at them, but you have to genuinely feel the laughter. If they get a whiff of it being insincere, like you're just trying to PRETEND you find it funny to cover for being actually hurt, they'll zoom in on that like vultures. You have to make them believe they're being scorned.

 

[Atomic Fiend]

Yes, that sounds sadly familiar to me. I've gone sorta 'nip it in the bud' too... which can be good when I encounter genuine bullying but then it also has meant in the past that I've interpreted things as bullying and become confrontational when it wasn't warranted.

Yeah, It has backfired on me, It's made me highly suspicious of peoples motives, even when they are being kind, I've turned it on people who didn't deserve it. I've even used a number of times on people I love.

It appears as if when you bully one person you're not just bullying them. Your bullying everyone who will be in contact with them.

Stupid.

 

[Haight]

OKAY, EVERYONE IN HERE STFU OR I'M GOING TO DELETE THIS THREAD!

 

[heart]

OKAY, EVERYONE IN HERE STFU OR I'M GOING TO DELETE THIS THREAD!

 

[Haight]

:steam:

 

[substitute]

wtf??

edit - ohhhh.

 

[INTJMom]

OKAY, EVERYONE IN HERE STFU OR I'M GOING TO DELETE THIS THREAD!

So Haight's a bully!

 

[Atomic Fiend]

The Bulliest kind of bully.

 

[Snail]

I was ruthlessly bullied from kindergarten all the way through high school, both physically and verbally by both males and females. I never fully recovered. At first it was because I was the snot-nosed kid with allergies. I cried a lot because I was very sensitive. I was the shy, nerdy little pacifist who was easily hurt, and they tortured me relentlessly when they found out that I was an "easy target."

When I went to the teachers, the teachers often punished me for tattling or told me to toughen up. I don't believe in revenge, so it always felt like one more attack every time someone tried to blame me for not fighting back. When I told my parents, they tried to offer words of encouragement to heal my broken self-esteem, but they could never fix it. My parents were always kind and supportive, but they couldn't save me. I wish I had never gone to school. I would rather be stupid and uneducated than have emotional baggage for the rest of my life. I have always been good at self-educating and enjoyed learning from a very early age as long as I was in a nurturing environment. I could read quite well before I ever went to school and considered the first few years to be a total waste because all that I learned was that I was somehow defective.

Now, I repeatedly get into abusive relationships no matter how hard I try to avoid them. I can't get into healthy ones because nobody seems to want someone who is damaged to the point of being insane unless they want to add to that damage and increase the insanity. I still have panic attacks when I see violence in movies or on television. I can't bear to be around any form of cruelty. I have nightmares. I might have undiagnosed PTSD from the combination of severe childhood bullying and my adult relationships. Bullies can ruin lives. I wish that the problem of bullying were taken more seriously by people who have the ability to protect the victims.

 

[heart]

I cried a lot because I was very sensitive. I was the shy, nerdy little pacifist who was easily hurt, and they tortured me relentlessly when they found out that I was an "easy target."

Realize this is not likely the real reason you were targeted. I took what other kids gave with a face of stone and I never let them see me cry. I totally withdrew and gave no reactions and that didn't help. If anything it provoked them into further frenzies of trying to goad me.

Read that link about myths about school bullying.

 

[Haight]

The Bulliest kind of bully.

A Jewish bully?

 

[Atomic Fiend]

A Jewish bully?

Haha-no.

Actually funny you should say that, a jewish guy did try to bully me before, he let me borrow a book and I tore the edge of one page, the edge.

He tried to charge me fifteen bucks.

Sad thing is this is a true story.