[MBTI General] Bloody INFPs and their capacity to turn INTJs into fuzzy hug addicts.

[runvardh]

Hmmm, I guess I shouldn't have bothered posting...

 

[poppy]

Hmmm, I guess I shouldn't have bothered posting...

Nonsense kitty, your input is always valued.

 

[Biaxident]

Truth: INFPs are picky, picky, picky.
We are idealists - we often have really high standards. Many of us would rather die alone than settle for someone we feel only mediocre about.

Damn straight. And sometimes it gets us in trouble. When we try to salvage a relationship even though the other person doesn't give a crap.

Truth: We are bleeding hearts, and solving emotional problems is a mental challenge we enjoy, like how an INTJ may like solving a math problem. I may not even like you, but I cannot help but let my sympathies be engaged, sometimes against my logical will.

Challenge yes. But life has also made me cynical. So I don't necessarily help anyone and everyone.

Truth: INFPs are introverts who need a lot of space and time alone. We can also be very independent and need to feel unique, which means keeping a distinct and separate identity from someone we are dating. If the INFP starts to feel smothered or overwhelmed, they may just panic and run away. We need quality time, affection, and verbal confirmation, but if we feel caged or monopolized then we might rebel.

Less alone time as I get older. I have worked on making my time more efficient. Rebel? Occasionally.

Truth: INFPs can be quite cautious when it comes to genuine love. We may fantasize and obsess over people when we're infatuated, but being so in touch with our feelings, we really know the difference between love and infatuation. I know that building a deep connection and warming up to people can actually take a lot of time for me. You may be head over heels after 2 months, but our idealistic infatuation is wearing off and we're not totally sold for the long term yet. Sometimes, I get stuck in Ne mode of not wanting to commit and lose my other options.

If you express really strong feelings quickly, again, the INFP may be running for the door. We almost don't trust feelings that arise too quickly. We imagine we're hard creatures to understand, so we may feel that you like/love an idea of us, and not the real us. That's probably us looking at the world through our own subjective eyes - we fall in love with ideas, so we think other people do the same. I don't trust my own strong romantic feelings that arise quickly, so why should I trust yours?

Funny, I trust my instincts more now, than before my ex divorced me. Every time I get screwed, I learn.

Well said.

 

[Cranky]

Eh, I've done somewhat similar and got scared when I found the heat in the freezer. It was so pure and so real that I felt unworthy and ran. She was INTP and I was such a child...

I doubt the INTP would have been so into you if you had a poor self-esteem. I certainly appreciate competence and a strong core; if she wasn't damaged, then you possessed sufficient strength of character for her to be in love with. If she WAS damaged, then good on you for running.

Heat in the freezer...lol...I love it. That's the problem; I got thawed.

 

[runvardh]

I doubt the INTP would have been so into you if you had a poor self-esteem. I certainly appreciate competence and a strong core; if she wasn't damaged, then you possessed sufficient strength of character for her to be in love with. If she WAS damaged, then good on you for running.

Heat in the freezer...lol...I love it. That's the problem; I got thawed.

Na, we were young, and I seem to get self conscious when something so white shows the blackness in my soul. I try not to let that stop me these days though - main word TRY...

 

[cafe]

I like 'heat in the freezer' too. Very nice way to put it.

INTs when they fall, they almost free fall. It's a scary on several levels and also kind of wonderful if you can handle it.

 

[runvardh]

I'm hoping to be able to handle it if I ever get another chance with one.

 

[Cranky]

INTs when they fall, they almost free fall. It's a scary on several levels and also kind of wonderful if you can handle it.

I had to explain to another friend of mine who is dealing with a very Rational woman that she might be waffling about him simply because everything in her experience leads her to believe that the horrifying falling sensation in the pit of her stomach, the headaches and anxiety, and the pounding heart (all of which are both associated with him and only go away around him) are BAD things, and should be avoided!

It's a truly AWFUL physical sensation, and I do NOT like it. I mean AT ALL. Of course I wanted to be around him; I felt better and didn't know why!

 

[PeaceBaby]

Since it's hard to appreciate exactly what went wrong in your relationship, I can only send you a big to help heal your sad heart.

I can post more tomorrow on this, but for now, another . Works better than words anyway.

 

[cafe]

I'm hoping to be able to handle it if I ever get another chance with one.

It's freaky when you're young and feel that . . . responsible for the happiness of someone who looks so, I don't know, brittle?

You will make a nice partner for an INT, IMO.

 

[Edgar]

Eh, I've done somewhat similar and got scared when I found the heat in the freezer. It was so pure and so real that I felt unworthy and ran. She was INTP and I was such a child...

Really? INTPs have "heat"?

Well I learn something new everyday.

 

[cafe]

I had to explain to another friend of mine who is dealing with a very Rational woman that she might be waffling about him simply because everything in her experience leads her to believe that the horrifying falling sensation in the pit of her stomach, the headaches and anxiety, and the pounding heart (all of which are both associated with him and only go away around him) are BAD things, and should be avoided!

It's a truly AWFUL physical sensation, and I do NOT like it. I mean AT ALL. Of course I wanted to be around him; I felt better and didn't know why!

I can just imagine. Somehow being an F and feeling crazy crap virtually all the time helps sort of insulate you a bit.

My oldest daughter is a 16 y/o INTJ so I am not looking forward to some of what she will probably go through.

My younger daughter is 14 y/o INFP and despite not being allowed to date yet, she's probably already broken her fair share of hearts.

Husband is an INTP and when we first started dating the speed and strength of his fall just about scared the living crap out of me. I knew it would balance out eventually, but in the meantime I had to be the rational one. Very weird.

 

[Bubbles]

I'm sorry for your heart

I confess I did something like this to an INTJ once. We dated for 2 months, and he starts dropping hints about meeting his mom and talking about being exclusive, and then I lose interest immediately and break it off. That was my longest relationship ever

This may help you for the future. Some things people may not realize about INFPs (generalizations ahead - feel free to disagree INFPs):

Myth: INFPs are desperate for love and will take what they can get. They latch onto just about anyone who glances in their direction.

Truth: INFPs are picky, picky, picky.
We are idealists - we often have really high standards. Many of us would rather die alone than settle for someone we feel only mediocre about. If I date you for a period and then cut out quickly, it's because I was giving you a chance, but deep down you weren't doing it for me. If an INFP seems attentive to just about anyone, well...see the next point below.

Myth: This INFPs always listens intently to me and my problems. They hug me, smile at me, and give me their undivided attention. He/she must really care about me, and probably wants to date me.

Truth: We are bleeding hearts, and solving emotional problems is a mental challenge we enjoy, like how an INTJ may like solving a math problem. I may not even like you, but I cannot help but let my sympathies be engaged, sometimes against my logical will. To an extreme, it's an ego trip for INFPs to help people. It can also be less about personal concern for you than fulfilling a greater sense of what is "right". You are just a symbol of something larger in that case. Also, while we will probably never brush off someone's problems, playing therapist tends to suck any romance out of the interaction.

Personally, I've had too many guys latch onto me because I was nice and attentive towards them, and they saw this as romantic. I was not flirty (that takes effort and I genuinely have to like you), but the sheer quality of my attention can give the wrong impression. I would pity date these guys, because it felt too mean to reject them. Now I just reject from the get-go and save us all the trouble.

Myth: INFPs are clingy and need a lot of attention in a relationship.

Truth: INFPs are introverts who need a lot of space and time alone. We can also be very independent and need to feel unique, which means keeping a distinct and separate identity from someone we are dating. If the INFP starts to feel smothered or overwhelmed, they may just panic and run away. We need quality time, affection, and verbal confirmation, but if we feel caged or monopolized then we might rebel.

Myth: INFPs are emotional, so they probably fall in love quickly.

Truth: INFPs can be quite cautious when it comes to genuine love. We may fantasize and obsess over people when we're infatuated, but being so in touch with our feelings, we really know the difference between love and infatuation. I know that building a deep connection and warming up to people can actually take a lot of time for me. You may be head over heels after 2 months, but our idealistic infatuation is wearing off and we're not totally sold for the long term yet. Sometimes, I get stuck in Ne mode of not wanting to commit and lose my other options.

If you express really strong feelings quickly, again, the INFP may be running for the door. We almost don't trust feelings that arise too quickly. We imagine we're hard creatures to understand, so we may feel that you like/love an idea of us, and not the real us. That's probably us looking at the world through our own subjective eyes - we fall in love with ideas, so we think other people do the same. I don't trust my own strong romantic feelings that arise quickly, so why should I trust yours?

I've read several threads on MBTI forums and INFPgc where INFPs confess to getting freaked out when their fantasy relationship starts to become real, and so they bail. It's a combo of high ideals, needing independence, not being able to make a decision to commit, and being suspicious of strong feelings formed quickly.

Can I just say I love you, and that all this is dead-on for me?

 

[Cranky]

Can I just say I love you, and that all this is dead-on for me?

Damned cuddly INFPs.

Want one now.

I know! I'll PLOT to get one ;-)

 

[Cranky]

Ok, now I'm nothing but PISSED OFF. I'm watching multiple threads in this forum, and what I see are INFPs complaining that INTJs walk all over them.

(Yes, I am aware that I'm whining and being unjust, but I'm also starting to get angry)

INFPs complain that we are insensitive and ruthless. They acknowledge that we don't mean to be; it's simply the way we're built.

Should I just acknowledge that INFPs are emotionally manipulative and take advantage of our total incapacity to deal with our feelings? I'll trade you. I cause the harm I do UNINTENTIONALLY out of insensitivity and cluelessness; you do what you do INTENTIONALLY out of curiosity and a desire to be helpful.

Now, *I'M* the one who feels like a lab rat.

 

[Virtual ghost]

What do you think about : "It is better to love and lose than not love at all" ?

 

[Cranky]

What do you think about : "It is better to love and lose than not love at all" ?

I think that I am grateful for the experience I had. I would rather have known how to love like that. I would REALLY rather have had him love me back, but that's not really the question, is it?

I miss him so much there's a hole in the air around me all the time.

Still, I'm glad I knew what it felt like to love like that. It was a totally terrifying feeling, but at least I know what to look for next time.

So, I'm going to choose to view it as a rehearsal. Sooner or later, I'll stumble across someone who thinks I hung the moon and wants to throw coats on the ground so I don't get my feet wet in puddles, and I'll feel the same way about him.

All that pie-baking practice will come in handy then.

(Also, I'll be able to efficiently plan our retirement fund, crush his enemies--I have none left LIVING--until they plead for mercy, and create a proper household budget with buffer room for incidental home repairs. Any fuzzy cuddly type should be pleased to have me around )

 

[poppy]

All that pie-baking practice will come in handy then.

Best use of the Vader emoticon in a long, long time. "I find your lack of pie disturbing"


Jesus what is wrong with me. I should clearly get to bed, with the quality of posts I'm making tonight.

 

[the state i am in]

what happens when an intj picks up the pieces and moves on? how do they do it and what is their thought/feeling process when they start to get it?

also, i identify with everything orangeappled said, although i don't know why (since i'm infj).

i sometimes find that i want someone who can perfectly manage my emotions for me, inspire me when i need it, comfort me when i need it, and challenge/tough love me when i need it. my Fness creates a desire for connection more than anything else, which sometimes feels like a desire for merging. without it i feel empty, plain, colorless, bland and tasteless, bored, unmotivated, uninspired, flat, etc. i'm introverted, but one of my greatest joys is in expressing myself and relating holistically as selves to another person. emotional articulation is different than logical articulation, although aesthetics grow out of both structures. i think nf types often have a strong calling or pull to a better possibility of emotional relationality, whereas nt types do T analysis first than start letting F wake up a little bit. when intjs do it 100% it is sudden and total. as an infj i feel like i am always holding some of it back, my N is looking forward to negative projections and positive other possibilities (feeling deprived). i am figuring out how this works as a result, bc these processes only distract from the fact that i am currently VERY happy in this situation when i am free and open. i am still young in significant relationships tho i am sometimes wise in my sneaking suspicions (for good and bad). i envy Fi users bc they seem so much more in touch with their actual personal values, whereas i often feel incapable of measuring accurately. their personal values measured in pain and in pleasure provide a yardstick for the cost of experiences. intjs grow out of extremely sensitive children, their inability to easily cope with Fi fallout is what creates their hard outer casing. just like infj wants and tries to act emotionless to hide the inner turmoil from others, and the huge sway of feeling, emotion, investment, care, and attention that emerges out of us when others are nearby and interact with us.

i think some good points were brought up about how F folks who practice, especially Fi users, get some insulation bc they spend so much time feeling EVERYTHING. they are skilled, their overall emotional game is well developed, and they have emotional energies invested in many many directions that can adjust and get new emotional balance. intjs have far less investment in this area, have less solid foundation and anchorage, so the total disappearance once it spikes and supernovas tastes like death/dirt.

 

[runvardh]

I think that I am grateful for the experience I had. I would rather have known how to love like that. I would REALLY rather have had him love me back, but that's not really the question, is it?

I miss him so much there's a hole in the air around me all the time.

Still, I'm glad I knew what it felt like to love like that. It was a totally terrifying feeling, but at least I know what to look for next time.

So, I'm going to choose to view it as a rehearsal. Sooner or later, I'll stumble across someone who thinks I hung the moon and wants to throw coats on the ground so I don't get my feet wet in puddles, and I'll feel the same way about him.

All that pie-baking practice will come in handy then.

(Also, I'll be able to efficiently plan our retirement fund, crush his enemies--I have none left LIVING--until they plead for mercy, and create a proper household budget with buffer room for incidental home repairs. Any fuzzy cuddly type should be pleased to have me around )

Damn, I'll go for someone who loves me, doesn't think I'm cold, and wants to put effort into the relationship. Intelligence preferred of course and the lack of a need to heckle me about my interests...