[ESFJ] Ask an ESFJ too!

[Malice]

I know this started a bit as a joke thread but maybe Malice will give me some advice.

I am an INFP male happily married to an ESFJ female. We get along really well--she is caring, kind, generous, fun, and devoted to our family. We are very much in love and I think she understands me better than anyone. But sometimes when she is trying to help me past feeling blue or down I sometimes stick my foot in my mouth and I really hurt her feelings (I never mean to do this.) Her reaction to me is to entirely withdraw, even though i will apologize any number of times. What can an INFP do to reassure an ESFJ that she is loved and appreciated when he acts thoughtlessly? Normally all I do is sort of wait it out and then she's okay. But I feel like that is not enough, that I have to show her that I'm truly sorry. (And lest anyone think I'm a doormat, i have zero problem expressing to her when I've been mad at her. I am a much slower burn, it takes more for me to get mad, but I stand up for myself. But then she apologizes, and I consider the matter closed.)

Well, again, I can't speak for all ESFJs in the world, but in my own personal experience if someone says something to me that I find insulting I too tend to withdraw with a 'fine, fuck you then' attitude. But it depends on the severity of what was said.

Sometimes I need my own space (I've timed this at roughly 45mins-1 hour) in order to 'cool off' before I'm level headed enough to attempt to work things out. I might close myself off in my room, go for a walk, or busy myself with a project where the person of conflict is nowhere in sight. But if your comment made me more sad than angry? I may still withdraw, but I would expect you to follow after me to apologize. The longer you went without contacting me, the more I would likely form the opinion in my own mind that you don't care about my feelings which would in turn make me more upset. being emotionally sensitive is tricky sometimes, I wish you had provided an example of a situation so I knew exactly what advice to give.

I think, if you're unsure of the level of hurt you have given, a genuine apology is always a safe bet. The worst she can tell you is to give her some space for a bit, but at least she would acknowledge that you've made an attempt at making amends and this would likely ease any potential feelings of neglect she may harbor otherwise. Small gifts or kind gestures might work too (flowers, washing the dishes, cooking dinner, etc.) I wish you luck...

 

[BlueStone]

Thanks for the feedback, much appreciated. Good news is she's not mad at me any more.

I did follow after her immediately to apologize, she would have none of it. (The criticism I had made wasn't even directed at her, but she took it as such. Regardless, what I said was thoughtless.) So I just left her alone, tried to be thoughtful in how I interacted with her, gave her space, did some household chores that needed doing and that I knew would make her happy. (And she's the E, and I'm the I. Go figure.) I find she just needs a cool down time. Neither of us seems to stay too mad at the other for very long.

I still have not found a way to convince her, though, that I'm sorry when this happens. Perhaps the cooldown time and how I act does that, although I can pick up on when she's forgiven me and when she's still mad (she would not articulate this). I know that in MBTI speak we are nearly exact opposites. When we disagree and then try to make up the differences really manifest themselves. Thank you again for your thoughtful ideas.

 

[Malice]

You're welcome. Honestly, I feel like you handled it the best way you could. I'm glad the situation is better for you now.

 

[Jeffster]

I know this started a bit as a joke thread but maybe Malice will give me some advice.

Nope. It wasn't a joke. I feel like ESFJs are not represented on this forum, and often are used as for people's problems.

 

[Saslou]

Nope. It wasn't a joke. I feel like ESFJs are not represented on this forum, and often are used as for people's problems.

I think that sometimes .. People don't seem to have many questions for ESFJs.

Oh well.

 

[Malice]

and often are used as for people's problems.

^ This. And it makes me rage a bit. D:

 

[BlueStone]

I meant no offense by suggesting that thread had started as a joke; clearly I misread some of the earlier postings. Living with and loving an ESFJ, I have found this thread to be really really helpful, and the good advice is much appreciated. So please accept my apologies.

 

[angelhair45]

I'm thrilled to see this thread. My mom and my son are both ESFJ's and I have struggles!

Here is one:

How do I get them to not worry about trivial shit that most likely wont even begin to matter? How can I get them to look a the big picture and not be so consumed with the details that it ruins everything? Seriously, they both do it all the time!

They get worked up over things that probably won't ever happen. It's like they get worried and instantly go from happy to pessimist. Then it's almost impossible to get them to look at the big picture.

 

[runvardh]

I don't bother talking/starting threads about ESFJ's anymore because we are seen (i perceive) as gooey, nice and non-intellectual. I am thinking 50's housewife.

The best example of ESFJ that I know in my life is the rebelious ski-bunny jack-of-all-trades that I call "grandma". Yes her house is next to imaculate, when she gets the time, and cooks all kinds of wonderful things; but she still is one of the few women I'll trust with an axe and was both my first ski and swimming teacher. She was brought up outside, eldest of three, her siblings are two boys, and spent half her life on the water. She's been a mother and a swimming instructor back in the 60s and 70s, as well as a mix of substitute teacher, town councillor, and civil servant. I count myself lucky to have been born when she was in her late 30s and wouldn't give her up for anything.

Gooey and nice? More like a gruffly sweet and nice. Non-intellectual? While her peers were parading at the universities she was stacking up cred that got her into municipal government for a term or two with requests for her to run for mayor. 50s housewife? LOLROFLCOPTER with bathtub napalm!

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

I'm thrilled to see this thread. My mom and my son are both ESFJ's and I have struggles!

Here is one:

How do I get them to not worry about trivial shit that most likely wont even begin to matter? How can I get them to look a the big picture and not be so consumed with the details that it ruins everything? Seriously, they both do it all the time!

They get worked up over things that probably won't ever happen. It's like they get worried and instantly go from happy to pessimist. Then it's almost impossible to get them to look at the big picture.

I can't speak for all ESFJs, as I'm not sure if it's just me that's a control freak or if that's a common ESFJ trait... but I tend to do just what your mom and son do... And it's not trivial stuff to me. I'm sure it is to others, but to me, every element is something important. And if I can foresee that something could go wrong I worry about it until I figure out a solution to the potential issue. It's the control freak in me.

I can't speak on the happy to pessimist though, I'm always optimistic... Well, except regarding this house I'm currently buying... Our bid was accepted back at the end of April and we are still working on closing... So I'm rather pessimistic when it comes to the house just out of frustration... Yeah, this control freak is about to have a meltdown over that....because it's all stuff I can't control. :steam:

 

[INTPness]

What's with ESFJ's not wanting anyone to "encroach on their territory" in a group setting? For instance, I know an ESFJ at work who is the best at what she does. Well, she's the only one who does it, so she doesn't have any competition. But, people need her because she is the only one who can do these things. But, then the boss man trained me to do these same things (because he wanted 2 people to know how to do them), and I became "just as good as she is". Oooooooooo, she gives me the scowl, the evil eye, the old "cold shoulder" .

Right after that, she didn't seem to like me much. Everything was fine before then, but now I don't think I'm her favorite person. It's like she tries to be competetive with me - almost like she tries to be mean - and I just keep doing my job , because, well, that's what I'm paid to do. Why so territorial? Why so stuffy in those situations? Why does it matter that someone else is just as good as you at your job? Afterall, we're on the same team, trying to accomplish the same goal? We should cooperate and work together. Or am I just dealing with a so-called "unhealthy ESFJ"?

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

What's with ESFJ's not wanting anyone to "encroach on their territory" in a group setting? For instance, I know an ESFJ at work who is the best at what she does. Well, she's the only one who does it, so she doesn't have any competition. But, people need her because she is the only one who can do these things. But, then the boss man trained me to do these same things (because he wanted 2 people to know how to do them), and I became "just as good as she is". Oooooooooo, she gives me the scowl, the evil eye, the old "cold shoulder" .

Right after that, she didn't seem to like me much. Everything was fine before then, but now I don't think I'm her favorite person. It's like she tries to be competetive with me - almost like she tries to be mean - and I just keep doing my job , because, well, that's what I'm paid to do. Why so territorial? Why so stuffy in those situations? Why does it matter that someone else is just as good as you at your job? Afterall, we're on the same team, trying to accomplish the same goal? We should cooperate and work together. Or am I just dealing with a so-called "unhealthy ESFJ"?

I believe you've got an unhealthy ESFJ on your hands! Currently, I am the only person who handles my position, and I would gladly welcome one other person having my knowledge! As it stands now, I feel guilty when I take a vacation and feel like I've constantly got to have my phone on me so I can forward emails to the correct people!!! :sad:

In addition.... Even someone I don't care much for, I'm nice to, so I've never gone out of my way to be mean to anyone before.

 

[proteanmix]

I really don't think this about being an ESFJ.

I've noticed at work people like to create job security by being the only one who knows how to do their job. It makes them more valuable, unless a savvy manager realizes this is not the best way to do business.

The reaction you're seeing is a typical defensive reaction to the threat of losing job security. I think this is very common, especially in this economic climate. Like I said, I don't think it's type related because I've seen people of all types do this.

 

[raz]

Jeffster is polluting the SJ forums.

 

[Saslou]

It's nice to come into the SJ section and there be something about ESFJ's which i can reply to

The best example of ESFJ that I know in my life is the rebelious ski-bunny jack-of-all-trades that I call "grandma". Yes her house is next to imaculate, when she gets the time, and cooks all kinds of wonderful things; but she still is one of the few women I'll trust with an axe and was both my first ski and swimming teacher. She was brought up outside, eldest of three, her siblings are two boys, and spent half her life on the water. She's been a mother and a swimming instructor back in the 60s and 70s, as well as a mix of substitute teacher, town councillor, and civil servant. I count myself lucky to have been born when she was in her late 30s and wouldn't give her up for anything.

Gooey and nice? More like a gruffly sweet and nice. Non-intellectual? While her peers were parading at the universities she was stacking up cred that got her into municipal government for a term or two with requests for her to run for mayor. 50s housewife? LOLROFLCOPTER with bathtub napalm!

Awww .. Thank you for adding to that. I relate to the rebelious jack-of-all-trades .. I'm quite good for a girly

 

[runvardh]

Awww .. Thank you for adding to that. I relate to the rebelious jack-of-all-trades .. I'm quite good for a girly

She's mid 60s now and still won't sit down unless she's eating or doing geneology research on the net. I loveses my grandma.

 

[Saslou]

She's mid 60s now and still won't sit down unless she's eating or doing geneology research on the net. I loveses my grandma.

Sit whilst eating .. What a disgrace, multi task By that age i hope i'll be able to take things a little slower. Lol

It's sweet you love your grandma .. I don't have one.

 

[runvardh]

Sit whilst eating .. What a disgrace, multi task By that age i hope i'll be able to take things a little slower. Lol

It's sweet you love your grandma .. I don't have one.

I still have both plus two great-grandmothers. I was lucky though, I was born in a generationally young family and thus had both grandmothers, both grandfathers, great-grandmothers, two great-grandfathers, and two great-great-grandparents. I have a picture that has 5 generations of males from back when I was little - even my dad is jealous.

 

[Jeffster]

Jeffster is polluting the SJ forums.

Nuh uh.

 

[pure_mercury]

Which type am I supposed to be dating, as an ESFJ?