[ESFJ] Ask an ESFJ too!

[Saslou]

I don't bother talking/starting threads about ESFJ's anymore because we are seen (i perceive) as gooey, nice and non-intellectual. I am thinking 50's housewife.

then, real ESFJ, I have a question...

... most of the real ESFJs I have as close friends end conversations with "Love ya!" or similar sentiments of love... I've never even said that to my own sister! What is the proper response for a cold hearted ESTP bastard in such a situation? (ok... one who values the friendship and wants to KEEP the ESFJ friend!)

I never end a conversation with love ya (I feel uncomfortable with people hugging me unless i know them well) .. An ENTP friend sent me a message recently and ended it with Love love .. I replied with the same.

My brother (ESTP) ends our conversations with 'I'll be back' or 'Look at these muscles' with a German accent and does the pose .. I just laugh, say 'later' .. Then close the door.

 

[pure_mercury]

How would you contrast yourself with a female ESFJ and a male ESTJ?

I don't know too many female ESFJ's, but I would imagine that they would be similar in superficial aspects (sociable, tradition-oriented, leading informal groups). However, the "mothering" aspect of a female personality like that is probably dissimilar to me. I have a direct/forceful/intense side to my personality that is more stereotypically "male." I guess you could call that the "fatherly" side of the ESFJ type. However, I also have the gladhanding, salesman-y side of my personality, too. I have a very highly-tuned way with words and communication, and I have no problem at all speaking in front of small crowds or large amounts of people (although I need preparation for crowds). ESTJ males seem to me to be more dogmatic and traditional, with perhaps a greater facility for leadership and top-down decision making (the "executive" or "drill sergeant" mentality). Anyone else want to chime in?

 

[Giggly]

Oh oh I would love to see the real ESFJ's answer questions. I hope this thread draws more ESFJ's too!

I'm tempted to start an "Ask an ISFJ" thread too but I know JTG will just tell everyone to fuck off. lol

 

[JTG1984]

Oh oh I would love to see the real ESFJ's answer questions. I hope this thread draws more ESFJ's too!

I'm tempted to start an "Ask an ISFJ" thread too but I know JTG will just tell everyone to fuck off. lol

GO FOR IT! I'll try to be nice.

 

[Kasper]

I don't bother talking/starting threads about ESFJ's anymore because we are seen (i perceive) as gooey, nice and non-intellectual. I am thinking 50's housewife.

That's not at all how I perceive them, people-orientated, action-orientated and chatterboxes sure but gooey, nice and non-intellectual not-a-one-bit, kay maybe nice but definitely not gooey or non-intellectual. My view of ESFJs fit closer to what pure_mercury said, the mix of the direct, forceful and intense with a salesman-y side, wish there were more around here to give a more accurate depiction of what ya'll are like in the wild.

 

[lookingglassworld]

I don't know too many female ESFJ's, but I would imagine that they would be similar in superficial aspects (sociable, tradition-oriented, leading informal groups). However, the "mothering" aspect of a female personality like that is probably dissimilar to me. I have a direct/forceful/intense side to my personality that is more stereotypically "male." I guess you could call that the "fatherly" side of the ESFJ type. However, I also have the gladhanding, salesman-y side of my personality, too. I have a very highly-tuned way with words and communication, and I have no problem at all speaking in front of small crowds or large amounts of people (although I need preparation for crowds). ESTJ males seem to me to be more dogmatic and traditional, with perhaps a greater facility for leadership and top-down decision making (the "executive" or "drill sergeant" mentality). Anyone else want to chime in?

Sounds exactly like my husband!! LOL Every last bit of it!! I love him to death but he drives me up a friggin' tree sometimes!!!:steam:

 

[Tamske]

I'll try again...

What is it like to have a dominant Fe? Does it make you good at socializing? Did you ever feel like you're a misfit Introvert eg at a work party?

What's the best way to thank an ESFJ? I do the small things like saying thanks or complimenting on food, but is there a good way to make someone feel special/appreciated?

 

[miss fortune]

I don't bother talking/starting threads about ESFJ's anymore because we are seen (i perceive) as gooey, nice and non-intellectual. I am thinking 50's housewife.

and that's so wrong! Most of the ESFJ ladies I know are smart, capable, driven and have a delightfully silly and fun side that they know WHEN to let out... they also have some weird ESP thing going on and can always hunt you down and make you go out for the evening if you probably need a break Also rather generous and loyal

I never end a conversation with love ya (I feel uncomfortable with people hugging me unless i know them well) .. An ENTP friend sent me a message recently and ended it with Love love .. I replied with the same.

My brother (ESTP) ends our conversations with 'I'll be back' or 'Look at these muscles' with a German accent and does the pose .. I just laugh, say 'later' .. Then close the door.

Oh nooo! I end conversations with "I'll be back!" a la Arnold all of the time

 

[Giggly]

and that's so wrong! Most of the ESFJ ladies I know are smart, capable, driven and have a delightfully silly and fun side that they know WHEN to let out... they also have some weird ESP thing going on and can always hunt you down and make you go out for the evening if you probably need a break Also rather generous and loyal

I agree! Totally.

 

[Giggly]

I don't know too many female ESFJ's, but I would imagine that they would be similar in superficial aspects (sociable, tradition-oriented, leading informal groups). However, the "mothering" aspect of a female personality like that is probably dissimilar to me. I have a direct/forceful/intense side to my personality that is more stereotypically "male." I guess you could call that the "fatherly" side of the ESFJ type. However, I also have the gladhanding, salesman-y side of my personality, too. I have a very highly-tuned way with words and communication, and I have no problem at all speaking in front of small crowds or large amounts of people (although I need preparation for crowds). ESTJ males seem to me to be more dogmatic and traditional, with perhaps a greater facility for leadership and top-down decision making (the "executive" or "drill sergeant" mentality). Anyone else want to chime in?

Oooh that was right on the money. That's how I perceive ESFJ's too.

 

[Saslou]

and that's so wrong! Most of the ESFJ ladies I know are smart, capable, driven and have a delightfully silly and fun side that they know WHEN to let out... they also have some weird ESP thing going on and can always hunt you down and make you go out for the evening if you probably need a break Also rather generous and loyal

Oh nooo! I end conversations with "I'll be back!" a la Arnold all of the time

Lmao, i do enjoy my brothers humour.

The ESP thing .. Oh yeah baby .. I am well aware when people are trying to pull the wool over my eyes
EDIT - I told a lie .. I know when my partner is lying, everyone else i am just naive.

Apologies for the 50's housewife comment .. I was just ripping myself a new asshole that day

I'll try again...

What is it like to have a dominant Fe? Does it make you good at socializing? Did you ever feel like you're a misfit Introvert eg at a work party?

What's the best way to thank an ESFJ? I do the small things like saying thanks or complimenting on food, but is there a good way to make someone feel special/appreciated?

I don't think i do Fe all to often, although some people say i do, some don't. Possibly a Fe/Fi balance, i don't know.
I am great at socialising .. I thoroughly enjoy meeting people.

I am a misfit extrovert but i am aware when i need to quieten down.

Thank me by just taking the time to do something (no matter how small, like offering to run the bath, or a head massage or a little note saying Love ya!!) just so i can think to myself, wow that person really does care about me.

 

[Salt n' pepper]

I'm pretty sure my mom is ESFJ, and I'm wondering.. HOW CAN I CHANGE THAT??!

 

[Giggly]

Lmao, i do enjoy my brothers humour.

Me too. My brother is ESxP as well. He says stuff like your brother too. He is so silly.

 

[Tamske]

I'm pretty sure my mom is ESFJ, and I'm wondering.. HOW CAN I CHANGE THAT??!

Why would you want to?

 

[Salt n' pepper]

Why would you want to?

I was just being a jerk.

Seriously though, I would like to know what things I can do, to make her day a little bit brighter? She seems a bit down, but she tries to hide it, and she doesn't like to talk about it. She down-right lies to my face, saying everything is good, when I know for a fact, they aren't. So, how can I cheer her up? Cause I can't really fix the situation.

 

[Malice]

I was just being a jerk.

Seriously though, I would like to know what things I can do, to make her day a little bit brighter? She seems a bit down, but she tries to hide it, and she doesn't like to talk about it. She down-right lies to my face, saying everything is good, when I know for a fact, they aren't. So, how can I cheer her up? Cause I can't really fix the situation.

Depends on your relationship with your mother, really. Doing anything out of the ordinary is going to probably make her a bit suspicious, but a (general) good way to go about cheering up an ESFJ is to simply let them know that they are a valued and appreciated part of your life. Examples:

Did she cook a good dinner?
Tell her so, also tell her what you liked best about it and why.

Did she cut her hair/is wearing a new outfit?
Notice it, and tell her that it compliments her face/figure.

Did you see/hear something nice today that reminded you of her or that you thought she might be interested in knowing?
Start a conversation about it, and be sure to mention that fact.

ESFJ types want to feel appreciated and useful. We often feel like we go out of our way to bust our asses for people and don't get a lot back for it. So if she won't open up to you about the source of the problem, but you still want to make a difference in her day, just try to be nice. Hope that helps.

 

[Salt n' pepper]

Depends on your relationship with your mother, really. Doing anything out of the ordinary is going to probably make her a bit suspicious, but a (general) good way to go about cheering up an ESFJ is to simply let them know that they are a valued and appreciated part of your life. Examples:

Did she cook a good dinner?
Tell her so, also tell her what you liked best about it and why.

Did she cut her hair/is wearing a new outfit?
Notice it, and tell her that it compliments her face/figure.

Did you see/hear something nice today that reminded you of her or that you thought she might be interested in knowing?
Start a conversation about it, and be sure to mention that fact.

ESFJ types want to feel appreciated and useful. We often feel like we go out of our way to bust our asses for people and don't get a lot back for it. So if she won't open up to you about the source of the problem, but you still want to make a difference in her day, just try to be nice. Hope that helps.

This is really useful, especially the bold part. It's probably true for my mother, too. Thanks a lot! I'll give her a call tomorrow.

 

[Malice]

Thanks a lot! I'll give her a call tomorrow.

Not a problem, glad I could help.
====

Now to get caught up on the rest of this thread.

What's the biggest difference between an ESFJ and an ESTJ?

My brother is an ESTJ, and out of the two of us I would say the biggest difference is probably how we interact with our other family members. For example: He won't generally come to talk to you unless he wants/needs something, whereas I make a point to say good morning/hello to everyone and ask how they are/what plans they have. I don't think he has as much of an interest in people's moods/day to day activities as I do unless it directly involves him or interferes with his plans. But that might not be type related at all, who knows?

most of the real ESFJs I have as close friends end conversations with "Love ya!" or similar sentiments of love... I've never even said that to my own sister! What is the proper response for a cold hearted ESTP bastard in such a situation?

Tough to say, I don't really know any ESTPs (I don't think?) so I can't really give you any advice from life experience, though I guess it really just boils down to the type of relationship you share with your friend. ESFJs are really sensitive, guaranteed if she ends a conversation with 'Love ya!' and you say 'Like you too!' or anything 'less' than the degree of affection she's already stated then she will walk away from the conversation feeling devalued in some way. As much as I'd hate to admit it, I'm going to have to agree with Little Linguist on this one. If you really want to keep her as a friend, you're just going to have to man up and return some kind of positive affirmation her way. Don't lie or anything, just be...kind.

I agree with Saslou though, I rarely ever end my conversations with 'Love ya!' unless the other person says it first. It just feels...wrong somehow. :/

I don't bother talking/starting threads about ESFJ's anymore because we are seen (i perceive) as gooey, nice and non-intellectual. I am thinking 50's housewife.

^ This. I often feel discouraged in posting my thoughts, especially when I read of how ESFJs are perceived by others on the forum. I am glad Jeffster started this thread though, even if he was just playing around

 

[BlueStone]

I know this started a bit as a joke thread but maybe Malice will give me some advice.

I am an INFP male happily married to an ESFJ female. We get along really well--she is caring, kind, generous, fun, and devoted to our family. We are very much in love and I think she understands me better than anyone. But sometimes when she is trying to help me past feeling blue or down I sometimes stick my foot in my mouth and I really hurt her feelings (I never mean to do this.) Her reaction to me is to entirely withdraw, even though i will apologize any number of times. What can an INFP do to reassure an ESFJ that she is loved and appreciated when he acts thoughtlessly? Normally all I do is sort of wait it out and then she's okay. But I feel like that is not enough, that I have to show her that I'm truly sorry. (And lest anyone think I'm a doormat, i have zero problem expressing to her when I've been mad at her. I am a much slower burn, it takes more for me to get mad, but I stand up for myself. But then she apologizes, and I consider the matter closed.)

 

[Giggly]

I know this started a bit as a joke thread but maybe Malice will give me some advice.

I am an INFP male happily married to an ESFJ female. We get along really well--she is caring, kind, generous, fun, and devoted to our family. We are very much in love and I think she understands me better than anyone. But sometimes when she is trying to help me past feeling blue or down I sometimes stick my foot in my mouth and I really hurt her feelings (I never mean to do this.) Her reaction to me is to entirely withdraw, even though i will apologize any number of times. What can an INFP do to reassure an ESFJ that she is loved and appreciated when he acts thoughtlessly? Normally all I do is sort of wait it out and then she's okay. But I feel like that is not enough, that I have to show her that I'm truly sorry. (And lest anyone think I'm a doormat, i have zero problem expressing to her when I've been mad at her. I am a much slower burn, it takes more for me to get mad, but I stand up for myself. But then she apologizes, and I consider the matter closed.)

Be more careful with your words towards her. Sometimes the hurt that comes from piercing words cannot be undone. Nevertheless, we all make mistakes and if you have trouble with this, perhaps when you are feeling down you could tell her that you need some time alone rather than risk saying something that will hurt her feelings.