[SJ] Am I the only one who hates evasive answers?

[tinker683]

Hey all,

I'm posting this to my fellow SJs as I'm curious if this may be an Si thing or if its just me, but...

Am I the only one who really hates it when someone can't give you a straight answer? For example, when I ask a friend of mine, "How'd your night go?" And the conversation follows as:

Them: "was good! We stayed out late, I only got a few hours of sleep."
Me: "why, what happened?"
Them: "what do you mean?"
Me: "why were you out so late?"
Them: "we were out late because we were out late. Are you mad at me or something?"

Now see, at this point, I don't really care a whole lot about why they were out so late, I'm just curious at that point as to why it is they're giving me such non descript answers. It's like an alarm bell goes off in my head and I start to wonder, "what's up with this? Why are they answering me in this fashion?" And I become intensely curious.

Apparently this offends some people. Am I the only one who gets like this? I this an Si or perhaps an inferior Ne thing?

 

[Lexicon]

I'm not SJ, but ey, we share Fe + Ti, so..

I think some people can be highly sensitive to direct question-after-question exchanges, especially if it's something they don't commonly see in your general behavior. I've been on both ends of this sort of interaction. Neutral questioning/curiosity - leading to defensiveness &/or inaccurate conclusion-jumping on the part of the recipient.. or being questioned by someone repeatedly about something very ho-hum, wondering what the big deal is. The former I attribute to general Ti- just knowing for the sake of knowing/data collecting, I guess. The latter I attribute to intuition & feeling, perhaps. Deviation from a given pattern, trying to pick up on any emotional undertones. Ofc there can be many other factors at play here, as to how/why the questioning is perceived as somehow threatening or otherwise ''bad'' in some way. Fatigue, present stressors &/or recent conflicts, perhaps... these things can leave certain people walking-on-eggshells for a good stretch of time, afterward. And let's not forget potentially unknown personal sensitivity to a seemingly benign topic.

The people I tend to get defensive reactions from the most are other feelers, generally, when I question them. The others are NT's, who, as stated above, seem to inaccurately attempt to figure out my motivations for asking, & try to answer accordingly. It's silly/gets annoying. /shrug

Humans are messy.

 

[FemMecha]

That exchange is a bit odd on their end. People have told me I don't ask enough questions, but that opening remark sounds like it is seeking a conversation. I would like to end that conversation with, "You brought it up, so I thought you wanted to talk about it. Otherwise it makes no difference to me."

On their end it sounds like a kid who feels guilty about whatever they did last night. Especially because they are in a frame of mind to expect someone to be mad at them.

 

[tinker683]

I think some people can be highly sensitive to direct question-after-question exchanges, especially if it's something they don't commonly see in your general behavior. I've been on both ends of this sort of interaction. Neutral questioning/curiosity - leading to defensiveness &/or inaccurate conclusion-jumping on the part of the recipient.. or being questioned by someone repeatedly about something very ho-hum, wondering what the big deal is. The former I attribute to general Ti- just knowing for the sake of knowing/data collecting, I guess. The latter I attribute to intuition & feeling, perhaps. Deviation from a given pattern, trying to pick up on any emotional undertones. Ofc there can be many other factors at play here, as to how/why the questioning is perceived as somehow threatening or otherwise ''bad'' in some way. Fatigue, present stressors &/or recent conflicts, perhaps... these things can leave certain people walking-on-eggshells for a good stretch of time, afterward. And let's not forget potentially unknown personal sensitivity to a seemingly benign topic.

The people I tend to get defensive reactions from the most are other feelers, generally, when I question them. The others are NT's, who, as stated above, seem to inaccurately attempt to figure out my motivations for asking, & try to answer accordingly. It's silly/gets annoying. /shrug

Humans are messy.

Good thoughts, especially the bolded.

This same friend is a friend mine who, months ago we were having a conversation about something (I can't remember what) and she had told me that what we were talking about had reminded her of a joke and then promptly said, "No, forget it, it's not funny.."

So then I was like, "So? Let's hear it!"

And from that point on she suddenly got really defensive with me and was like, "Why is this such a big deal to you?" and I kept responding, "If its just a joke, whats the harm in telling it?"

So after much picking and prodding she finally did tell me and and now she's turned it into this big bargaining chip between us whenever I come across a topic I might not feel comfortable talking about as she'll then say, "Well, you made me tell that joke so I would appreciate the same curiosity..." or some shit like that. Over a freaking joke.

I think she got annoyed because shes a very private person and doesn't like a steady stream of direct questions, especially about something that's benign to her. Hell, half the shit we talk about is benign to ME....but the fact that she closes up like that, just makes me want to keep picking at it! It's like at that point I don't even care about the answer, I just want to know what the hell is so big and secretive about this!

That exchange is a bit odd on their end. People have told me I don't ask enough questions, but that opening remark sounds like it is seeking a conversation. I would like to end that conversation with, "You brought it up, so I thought you wanted to talk about it. Otherwise it makes no difference to me."

On their end it sounds like a kid who feels guilty about whatever they did last night. Especially because they are in a frame of mind to expect someone to be mad at them.

I know!!!!! That's why I'm so curious about it!!! She's not talking to me right now but the conversation continued a little something like this..

Me: "I'm not mad at you. I just felt like this was an innocuous question. Didn't mean to make you so defensive" (Note: Not entirely true, the the fact that she's reacting so strongly is only further piquing my curiosity and I'm refusing the let the matter drop as I feel a strong need to keep digging)
Her: "I'm not defensive, it's just hard to tell over text"
Me: " "
Her: " "
Me: "So why did you only get a few hours of sleep?"
Her: "Because I'm going out with my boss this morning"
Me: "Uh huh. Right, well, have fun then."
Her: "I thought you said you weren't mad at me"
Me: "I'm a tad annoyed because I feel like you're being very evasive."

I've yet to receive an answer. Yes, I know its none of my business but as I stated before I hate it when people give me such answers and given the events of the last night and that she usually is pretty open with me, the possibilities of what happens are too delicious to ignore AND I'll confess that I'm a bit irked that my friend is suddenly closing up on me when she's normally very open with me.

What happened last night is that her, a female friend of hers, and a single guy that she's admitted to me she thinks is really hot, went out dancing and drinking last night. She's with a guy that I respect a lot and her friend is married but has a history with this particular guy. The last time I had spoken with them was around 10:30 last night and she had told me she had had enough to drink to where she couldn't drive and I know that she's a very horny drunk.

So when she tells me she's not getting to bed until 5am because "she was up late" with no further explanation and then the evasiveness that follows...oh my, it's like a candy store for my Ne, just *SO MANY* possibilities that could be spun out of this and the fact that she keeps dodging me makes me feel like I've landed in the middle of some incredibly interesting soap opera/television mystery.

Now I'm sure that nothing inappropriate happened and that this is all going to turn into much ado about nothing but I can't *HELP* it, it's like my curiosity is a machine that won't turn off and will keep bugging me until I get a satisfactory answer.

And whats particularly interesting to me is if she had just responded with, "We were out until 1, 2am and then my friend took me home and I had a hard time sleeping" would have COMPLETELY ended the conversation and that would be that because all of that is very consistent with past behavior as I know of her. But...her evasiveness, it's like cat nip to me! I just have to keep batting at this ball of yarn until it unravels....

I wonder: Is this a normal ISFJ thing?

 

[Lexicon]

Good thoughts, especially the bolded.

This same friend is a friend mine who, months ago we were having a conversation about something (I can't remember what) and she had told me that what we were talking about had reminded her of a joke and then promptly said, "No, forget it, it's not funny.."

So then I was like, "So? Let's hear it!"

And from that point on she suddenly got really defensive with me and was like, "Why is this such a big deal to you?" and I kept responding, "If its just a joke, whats the harm in telling it?"

So after much picking and prodding she finally did tell me and and now she's turned it into this big bargaining chip between us whenever I come across a topic I might not feel comfortable talking about as she'll then say, "Well, you made me tell that joke so I would appreciate the same curiosity..." or some shit like that. Over a freaking joke.

I think she got annoyed because shes a very private person and doesn't like a steady stream of direct questions, especially about something that's benign to her. Hell, half the shit we talk about is benign to ME....but the fact that she closes up like that, just makes me want to keep picking at it! It's like at that point I don't even care about the answer, I just want to know what the hell is so big and secretive about this!



I know!!!!! That's why I'm so curious about it!!! She's not talking to me right now but the conversation continued a little something like this..

Me: "I'm not mad at you. I just felt like this was an innocuous question. Didn't mean to make you so defensive" (Note: Not entirely true, the the fact that she's reacting so strongly is only further piquing my curiosity and I'm refusing the let the matter drop as I feel a strong need to keep digging)
Her: "I'm not defensive, it's just hard to tell over text"
Me: " "
Her: " "
Me: "So why did you only get a few hours of sleep?"
Her: "Because I'm going out with my boss this morning"
Me: "Uh huh. Right, well, have fun then."
Her: "I thought you said you weren't mad at me"
Me: "I'm a tad annoyed because I feel like you're being very evasive."

I've yet to receive an answer. Yes, I know its none of my business but as I stated before I hate it when people give me such answers and given the events of the last night and that she usually is pretty open with me, the possibilities of what happens are too delicious to ignore AND I'll confess that I'm a bit irked that my friend is suddenly closing up on me when she's normally very open with me.

What happened last night is that her, a female friend of hers, and a single guy that she's admitted to me she thinks is really hot, went out dancing and drinking last night. She's with a guy that I respect a lot and her friend is married but has a history with this particular guy. The last time I had spoken with them was around 10:30 last night and she had told me she had had enough to drink to where she couldn't drive and I know that she's a very horny drunk.

So when she tells me she's not getting to bed until 5am because "she was up late" with no further explanation and then the evasiveness that follows...oh my, it's like a candy store for my Ne, just *SO MANY* possibilities that could be spun out of this and the fact that she keeps dodging me makes me feel like I've landed in the middle of some incredibly interesting soap opera/television mystery.

Now I'm sure that nothing inappropriate happened and that this is all going to turn into much ado about nothing but I can't *HELP* it, it's like my curiosity is a machine that won't turn off and will keep bugging me until I get a satisfactory answer.

And whats particularly interesting to me is if she had just responded with, "We were out until 1, 2am and then my friend took me home and I had a hard time sleeping" would have COMPLETELY ended the conversation and that would be that because all of that is very consistent with past behavior as I know of her. But...her evasiveness, it's like cat nip to me! I just have to keep batting at this ball of yarn until it unravels....

I wonder: Is this a normal ISFJ thing?

That all sounds very typical of an ISFJ. My mom's one, & I dated one for almost 3yrs.. know a few from school/theater/jobs, that's sort of a trademark. ENTP's do it, too.

I can be very intrigued as well about circumstances like that, sort of anticipating conflict, trying to stay a few steps ahead/out of the way, if I know several people involved. I used to attempt to mediate, but I can't be bothered anymore.

When you can't resist the urge to dig, just take a more subtle route: clarify that you don't mean to pry/you're just curious/hope everything's all right. - then move on to another topic/leave it alone.
That tends to be fairly effective, and people open up/feel safe. [if not immediately, then later on that day, perhaps]

 

[Lark]

I sometimes find it difficult when I'm speaking to someone and they are being evasive but generally when I've had to question someone beyond what they are immediately willing to disclose its work and they are not just being evasive but being devious too. So its a bit different.

Think about why they are doing it, there's a variety of reasons for not wishing to disclose a lot of details, embarrassment, awkward details, mistakes or avoidance behaviours etc. etc.

 

[Winds of Thor]

Hey all,

I'm posting this to my fellow SJs as I'm curious if this may be an Si thing or if its just me, but...

Am I the only one who really hates it when someone can't give you a straight answer? For example, when I ask a friend of mine, "How'd your night go?" And the conversation follows as:

Them: "was good! We stayed out late, I only got a few hours of sleep."
Me: "why, what happened?"
Them: "what do you mean?"
Me: "why were you out so late?"
Them: "we were out late because we were out late. Are you mad at me or something?"

Now see, at this point, I don't really care a whole lot about why they were out so late, I'm just curious at that point as to why it is they're giving me such non descript answers. It's like an alarm bell goes off in my head and I start to wonder, "what's up with this? Why are they answering me in this fashion?" And I become intensely curious.

Apparently this offends some people. Am I the only one who gets like this? I this an Si or perhaps an inferior Ne thing?

Some people want what they can't have. And Js more than Ps usually seek more definitive answers. Is your friend a P?

Maybe you witnessed a very J and very P exchange and the P was just carefree.

 

[Winds of Thor]

Also Ps in their being carefree, might feel a weight put on by the questioning and if they value fun and their memory of the fun they had. So it could be that if they sense pressure with questions that sort of cramps their style .

 

[Istbkleta]

an inferior Ne thing?

Sounds like it. Can you spell "paranoia"?

 

[highlander]

Am I the only one who really hates it when someone can't give you a straight answer? For example, when I ask a friend of mine, "How'd your night go?" And the conversation follows as:

Them: "was good! We stayed out late, I only got a few hours of sleep."
Me: "why, what happened?"
Them: "what do you mean?"
Me: "why were you out so late?"
Them: "we were out late because we were out late. Are you mad at me or something?"

I hate it when someone doesn't give me a straight answer. It drives me nuts. It's one of the reason I don't like politicians - because they don't answer questions. Your example might not be the best because who cares why they were out late. They were having fun obviously. They are wondering if it bothers you and you wish you were along or something. That might be the reason the person responded the way they did.

 

[highlander]

Am I the only one who really hates it when someone can't give you a straight answer? For example, when I ask a friend of mine, "How'd your night go?" And the conversation follows as:

Them: "was good! We stayed out late, I only got a few hours of sleep."
Me: "why, what happened?"
Them: "what do you mean?"
Me: "why were you out so late?"
Them: "we were out late because we were out late. Are you mad at me or something?"

I hate it when someone doesn't give me a straight answer. It drives me nuts. It's one of the reason I don't like politicians - because they don't answer questions. Your example might not be the best because who cares why they were out late. They were having fun obviously. They are wondering if it bothers you and you wish you were along or something. That might be the reason the person responded the way they did.

 

[Such Irony]

I'm a curious person, so naturally, I'd prefer a more detailed and informative answer. However, I am also aware that some people prefer not to spell out everything in detail. I respect peoples' privacy and realize that much of the stuff about their lives just isn't my business and that some things may be too personal to share. Unless I have good reason to suspect the person of some major wrong-doing, I try not to be overly intrusive in pushing for answers.

 

[EJCC]

Yes, but in kind of a different sense than the OP. It doesn't bug me when people are evasive in a way that indicates that they don't want to talk about it, because then I think "okay, I get the message, that's cool".

But if it's something important, and I ask them a direct question that could be answered very simply, and they choose to answer with some long-winded thing that doesn't really answer the question at all... THAT annoys me. It's like, just answer the goddamn question. It's not that hard.

It's good to know that this is an Fe thing, though. It will be very useful knowledge in my future interactions with Fe-users. (I can't be cryptic from now on! )

 

[greenfairy]

I'm not SJ, but I also dislike evasive answers, especially when it turns into snapping at me. I ask questions to show interest, and then when they respond with hostility it makes me think "well if this is how they respond to me showing interest in them, I won't be doing that anymore." When the response to my initial questions leads to more questions, I follow up with them since it's not really an answer and my curiosity demands explanation. If they didn't want follow up questions, they should have given a straight answer. Or told me they didn't feel like talking at the moment. Which I could sense, but I shouldn't be expected to be a mind reader (even if I am iNfj!).

 

[Giggly]

Hey all,

I'm posting this to my fellow SJs as I'm curious if this may be an Si thing or if its just me, but...

Am I the only one who really hates it when someone can't give you a straight answer? For example, when I ask a friend of mine, "How'd your night go?" And the conversation follows as:

Them: "was good! We stayed out late, I only got a few hours of sleep."
Me: "why, what happened?"
Them: "what do you mean?"
Me: "why were you out so late?"
Them: "we were out late because we were out late. Are you mad at me or something?"

Now see, at this point, I don't really care a whole lot about why they were out so late, I'm just curious at that point as to why it is they're giving me such non descript answers. It's like an alarm bell goes off in my head and I start to wonder, "what's up with this? Why are they answering me in this fashion?" And I become intensely curious.

Apparently this offends some people. Am I the only one who gets like this? I this an Si or perhaps an inferior Ne thing?

Not really, that doesn't bother me.

 

[IZthe411]

Hey all,

I'm posting this to my fellow SJs as I'm curious if this may be an Si thing or if its just me, but...

Am I the only one who really hates it when someone can't give you a straight answer? For example, when I ask a friend of mine, "How'd your night go?" And the conversation follows as:

Them: "was good! We stayed out late, I only got a few hours of sleep."
Me: "why, what happened?"
Them: "what do you mean?"
Me: "why were you out so late?"
Them: "we were out late because we were out late. Are you mad at me or something?"

Now see, at this point, I don't really care a whole lot about why they were out so late, I'm just curious at that point as to why it is they're giving me such non descript answers. It's like an alarm bell goes off in my head and I start to wonder, "what's up with this? Why are they answering me in this fashion?" And I become intensely curious.

Apparently this offends some people. Am I the only one who gets like this? I this an Si or perhaps an inferior Ne thing?

I generally feel the same way- if I get the feeling that they are trying to be evasive.
I think some people, especially introverts, will answer that way for the sake of word economy.
If you push for more detail, they will usually go into it. If not, then the shady bell goes off
I don't mind having to pull a little bit, because I can decide when to pull the plug. If what they did was boring or wack I don't have to continue. I don't mind that option.

 

[RoadPaveMent]

I dunno if she was an SJ or not, but recently I had this conversation. I just arrived at knitting club and pulled out my knitting needles and thread...

Me: Uhhh, I haven't done this in a long time. I don't remember how to do this.
Me: *looks expectantly into the eyes of the knitting club president*
President: Sooo...thennn...do you want me to...help you?
Me: Yes!

It could just be that I suck at verbal communication.

 

[tine5]

I don't like evasiveness because I feel like they may have done something and they don't trust me enough to say. I like it when people feel comfortable enough to share things easily with me, so when people seem like they're hiding things I wonder what it is and why they wont tell me.
I have a friend who's pretty evasive about things if she's in the wrong mood to be asked, which leads to us going in circles (me asking, her avoiding etc)

 

[KDude]

I'm not good at answering "How's your day" type of questions. Not trying to be evasive or deceptive. I just don't care to get into all of it. I think SJs like "narrative" in general.

It's mostly only a problem if someone wants me to explain how I solved a problem or how this or that worked.. I'll give them a helping hand sometimes, but somehow it's more laborious to explain it all. Just go away. I'll tell you when it's done.

 

[UniqueMixture]

Do you think this person is cheating on you or something?