[INFJ] Addicted to Love and Pain

[Thunderlight]

Hey. I haven't had many relationships...this is the second one I am in and I have no clue what I am doing. Being NF and Gay sucks too because I am too nice to tell a person I like them in order to sidestep perceived conflict.

I am currently trying to go after one guy that I like and I know that he is gay too. He made the first move, invited me to watch a movie, held my hand (cute, huh). I have kissed him twice but he has yet to do that back.

And of course I am obsessed with every detail. When we make eye contact and he doesn't smile back I am crushed. Even if he provided some other form of lovey dovey comfort a second beforehand.

I really am trying to view the situation through non-biased eyes but so far I fail in that department

Please help me out!

I don't know if I'm overreacting or if I deserve to push him a little bit. We haven't known eachother very long but already I am having stress and irritability over this.

Should it be this way?

How do most of your relationships start?

any help would be great, but NFs' would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Synarch]

I've met a couple of gay INFJ's. Think there are a few on here as well.

If he let you kiss him, I say go for it and keep moving the ball forward. See where the limit is. He might be laid back or something and wants you to make the first moves.

EDIT:

"Should it be this way?" You guys might be both too laid back. Someone has to make a move or determine which direction things are going.

"How do most of your relationships start?" I usually make the first move after meeting. I guess this is the typical guy role. Later it seems like the ladies take over. This is usually when I find myself walking around IKEA on a Sunday morning going, how did I get here?

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

It sounds like you're afraid of rejection. When he doesn't return the smile, he activates that fear and you get uncomfortable. I deal with the same thing. The best thing to do, imo, is to pay attention to what's happening (how your fears and needs are unfolding) and try to worth with it (not against it) to improve your situation as best you can. It takes a positive attitude and a little hope.

 

[ajblaise]

Yeah, he probably is just more shy than you about kissing and all that, so on that front, keep pushing slightly, and if he seems to be happy with that, you're all set.

But it sounds like you might need more constant acceptance and validation reinforced by him than he is willing to give, at least right now.

 

[Thunderlight]

i dont know about keeping pushing though. Maybe this will help? One time when we were saying goodbye i waited for him to kiss me, but he didn't, so the following text convo occured:

Me: "u have full permission to kiss me bac u know "

"I know"

"U dont want to?"

*No answer*

"Hello?"

"No I do"

and yea I left it at that. Im thinking he needs a bit more time to think?

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

I'm thinking you should be a little less needy, or at least, better at hiding it.

 

[disregard]

Yeah, try not to back people into conversational corners.

 

[Synarch]

Put an ad on craigslist and get some practice.

 

[batumi]

i dont know about keeping pushing though. Maybe this will help? One time when we were saying goodbye i waited for him to kiss me, but he didn't, so the following text convo occured:

Me: "u have full permission to kiss me bac u know "

"I know"

"U dont want to?"

*No answer*

"Hello?"

"No I do"

and yea I left it at that. Im thinking he needs a bit more time to think?

Here is my free advice, for whatever it is worth. You are being a pursuer
and doing much of the work. Step back some and see if he comes
forward to do more. There are many online sites about emotional pursuers
and distancers in relationships. Try googling around and reading some on it.

 

[Thunderlight]

THANK YOU Batumi that helps a lot

 

[niffer]

Heh, I'm talking to a gay INFJ friend of mine right now actually. He obsesses over little details about the behaviour of guys he's into as well. He finds that situations improve for him when he listens to me after I tell him to calm the fuck down, stop obsessing, and simply step back and allow the person more time to prove himself to you.

Best wishes!

 

[batumi]

THANK YOU Batumi that helps a lot

Be nice to yourself.

 

[Thunderlight]

oh, the joys of over analyzing (and that was sarcasm)

 

[violaine]

To the OP, I can be like that too irl, (really lock into someone quickly when they feel right and we're dating). I've learned to take a step back and it helps. For one thing you don't make yourself crazy by over-analyzing the other person. For another, it allows you to come across to them as interested but calm. I think of it as letting the other person, whom I care about, open up at their own pace. Helps you protect your own heart too ime. (and I agree, him holding your hand is very cute!)

 

[batumi]

oh, the joys of over analyzing (and that was sarcasm)

I know. I have often thought that if in relationships that I really want to work, so much, if only I could behave as I did in the ones that were kind of MEH to me.
It just sucks that the ones I feel so strongly about are the ones I tend to
almost kill off by trying too hard. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Thunderlight]

oh it does hahaha. it makes too much sense.