Do you often share your values, simply as data exchange with another?
No. If we're talking deep values, then I keep them quiet for good reason. It's very vulnerable to reveal them that. It's like giving someone directions on how to hurt you most. I prefer to keep people on a need-to-know basis.
What causes you to externalize your values?
When they have been violated and I need to defend myself. Sometimes I reveal some of them in warnings, when I feel someone close to treading on them.
How have you learned over time to refine the values externalized-better choose time, place or method of externalization?
I've learned to not put it off so long, to not always be the one to adjust my behavior to avoid someone else violating my values. I've realized it's okay to have expectations for others & to hold them to it, because my other solution was just to withdraw & avoid people/situations. I used to just change course so as to not cross paths with people/things which violated what was important to me.
I could also very much have a "straw that broke the camels back" externalizing method, and this tends to make people not understand the real issue or to even to dismiss it. I try to address specific problems when they arise now (not necessarily in the moment if inappropriate, but while it's still fresh), and I've become increasingly better at articulating myself verbally. In short, I hold less in & communicate when people have crossed the line more.
My natural tendency was to retreat, work it out in my head, and then adjust myself - aka, avoid them. The other person never knew or did not totally get it, and my withdrawals began to hold me back in life. I certainly still think before I act first, so as not to run on emotion, but I think in terms of how to communicate, not just resolving it internally.
Do you externalize values with the goal of changing others behavior or simply to make sure the prescence of the value is known to the group?
I make the value known, and this may involve some expectation for them to change. I do not usually dictate how someone should change exactly. I state a need, and I expect them to decide for themselves how to meet it. I feel this is fair because it allows them to do things in their own way, but just asks them to consider me when they make that decision. I think it's the essence of compromise to allow wiggle room for each person to adjust in the way that suits them but still considers the other person's needs.
Examples of where externalization was valid and helpful to acheive a better outcome?
I was a long-term contractor for a magazine. I worked on-site, 40+ hours a week, and was often treated like an employee despite having no benefits or paid time off. So I billed them for Thanksgiving & the Friday after, despite not working those days. There was no work to be done that Friday & coming in was pointless. My boss tried to insist he'd only pay for Thanksgiving, yet he had indicated I should not come in that Friday, knowing there was no work. I calmly & firmly made the case that I turn down other work to devote 40+ hours a week to them, and that this means I was out money for Friday since they couldn't give me work as usual. I also went on about how I work strictly for an hourly wage, without the benefits of an employee, but often with the basic restrictions of one. He recanted & agreed to pay what I invoiced him for. I hung up the phone & my ENFP co-worker applauded me and said I handled it perfectly.
Examples of where externalization was not really the best idea at the time?
I almost never feel unjustified when it's genuinely important, especially because I let a lot slide in life. I'm having trouble thinking of anything that would not have been justified that was actually important to me. I'm not one to cause scenes or drama, so appropriate timing is not much of an issue. I'm a think before I act person most of the time. It's uncharacteristic for me to be otherwise.
Only family brings out a nitpicky or volatile side, and it often has less to do with values not being valid & everything to do with general moodiness and/or family knowing just where to push buttons. When it's a value issue, I often start out calm, but their dismissal as I explain myself can make me angry. They do this a LOT, which is their fault for being unfairly dismissive, but it's also my fault that I let them get under my skin. What's inappropriate is not bringing up the value, but allowing myself to get emotionally ruffled when they respond critically. I think they upset me & other people don't because I expect way more of them. They DO know a lot more about what is important to me, so I give them less benefit of the doubt, less leeway.
I suppose my biggest faux pas outside of family interaction is inadvertent invalidation of other people by expressing an opinion, one I view as harmless & rather insignificant. I never mean to do this, because I hate being invalidated & know it all too well. It's usually a matter of not being aware an opinion insults the other person or devalues their feelings.
Okay, here's an example, albeit a tame one: I worked as a cashier in college. I can't remember the context, but I mentioned one day to my supervisor about how I think cops are all control freaks with power issues. Turns out he was an ex cop! Luckily he laughed it off. Other times, I've not been so lucky. FYI, the value I was indirectly expressing there was autonomy. The irritation with cops was just a symptom of that.