SilkRoad
Lay the coin on my tongue
- Joined
- May 26, 2009
- Messages
- 3,932
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 6w5
- Instinctual Variant
- sp/sx
I was wondering how NFs feeling about “sucking up” to other people and how this may affect their lives, social lives etc.
I suppose sucking up could mean somewhat different things to different people, so I should explain that what I mean is basically being over-nice, deferential etc to someone who you may not even like that much as a person, but who you think can help you to get ahead in their social circle, etc.
I have a horror of sucking up to people, fishing for invites and all that sort of thing because I also have a horror of looking clingy or pushy and to me that’s exactly what this would accomplish. Of course, it just also seems very false to me and I don’t see the point of being nicey-nice to someone who I don’t really like and who I suspect doesn’t really like me, in the hope that they might be able to somehow help me to “get ahead”.
But I wonder if sometimes I may shoot myself in the foot by taking the opposite non-sucking-up approach to an extreme. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty sure that I am generally thought to be friendly and cordial with my acquaintances, though probably also somewhat distant with a lot of people. I’ve certainly never heard/observed anything to suggest that people find me unfriendly, rude, etc. I guess the thing that I find frustrating (and I would like to see how other NFs – and others – feel about this) is that sucking up and being pushy seems to be quite productive for a lot of people. They fish for invites, and get invited and become the most popular people around (not that I want to be the most popular person around…well, I have mixed feelings about it!). I never fish for invites, as it just seems so embarrassing and I don’t want to be somewhere if I get the impression people don’t want me there. The very few times in my life when I have kind of fished for an invite or whatever, I have ended up feeling humiliated (whether or not I got the invite!) and certainly very untrue to myself.
But then you end up being the person who everyone more or less likes (or at least doesn’t dislike), but who a lot of people don’t bother with (besides my true close friends, and I do have a few of those). The people who suck up, show up to things uninvited, etc etc, might get bitched about a bit behind their backs, but the tradeoff is that they become highly popular with many and are never lacking for invites (even if they turn half of them down. In my case, if I turn down one invite, that person will often never ask me again – after one refusal! Even if I say something like "sorry, I have a prior commitment/am too busy/too tired this time, but another time would be great" - that's about as pushy as I'm going to get!)
Interested to see what your thoughts are. Sorry if the above is rather rambling, not quite sure where I was going with this!
I suppose sucking up could mean somewhat different things to different people, so I should explain that what I mean is basically being over-nice, deferential etc to someone who you may not even like that much as a person, but who you think can help you to get ahead in their social circle, etc.
I have a horror of sucking up to people, fishing for invites and all that sort of thing because I also have a horror of looking clingy or pushy and to me that’s exactly what this would accomplish. Of course, it just also seems very false to me and I don’t see the point of being nicey-nice to someone who I don’t really like and who I suspect doesn’t really like me, in the hope that they might be able to somehow help me to “get ahead”.
But I wonder if sometimes I may shoot myself in the foot by taking the opposite non-sucking-up approach to an extreme. Don’t get me wrong, I am pretty sure that I am generally thought to be friendly and cordial with my acquaintances, though probably also somewhat distant with a lot of people. I’ve certainly never heard/observed anything to suggest that people find me unfriendly, rude, etc. I guess the thing that I find frustrating (and I would like to see how other NFs – and others – feel about this) is that sucking up and being pushy seems to be quite productive for a lot of people. They fish for invites, and get invited and become the most popular people around (not that I want to be the most popular person around…well, I have mixed feelings about it!). I never fish for invites, as it just seems so embarrassing and I don’t want to be somewhere if I get the impression people don’t want me there. The very few times in my life when I have kind of fished for an invite or whatever, I have ended up feeling humiliated (whether or not I got the invite!) and certainly very untrue to myself.
But then you end up being the person who everyone more or less likes (or at least doesn’t dislike), but who a lot of people don’t bother with (besides my true close friends, and I do have a few of those). The people who suck up, show up to things uninvited, etc etc, might get bitched about a bit behind their backs, but the tradeoff is that they become highly popular with many and are never lacking for invites (even if they turn half of them down. In my case, if I turn down one invite, that person will often never ask me again – after one refusal! Even if I say something like "sorry, I have a prior commitment/am too busy/too tired this time, but another time would be great" - that's about as pushy as I'm going to get!)
Interested to see what your thoughts are. Sorry if the above is rather rambling, not quite sure where I was going with this!