[MENTION=14074]wildflower[/MENTION],
My username is often misinterpreted that way, when in actual fact it was never intended as a general statement of my take on life. I have that username because at the time of signing up I couldn't think of a good username so just went with the first thing that came into my head...Who cares what my username is. But in truth I can clearly see now that the choice of username and avatar greatly influences how others perceive you on forums. I should have been more careful, or maybe I should just put a kitten in my avatar to offset this unfortunate conclusion about who I really am.
Type 9? I remain inconvinced about that, I have very few type 9 traits to really justify that conclusion. I think acedia and bleakness in temperament can afflict any type really. It most likely comes down to life stage, circumstances and a general need to question reality as most people accept it.
Now maintaining balance in what I focus on? Yes you have a point, but I also have an intesting one about that too. Before I worked with the general public, I had a greater sense of optimism about life, what most people would call a more balanced world view. I truly believed that good things would come out of life and I just had to be more resilient and weather the less favourable aspects while things turned in my favour. What I didnt realise at the time was that I was working in an environment with other individuals who closely held the same values as me. It wasn't a representative sample of society and was skewed in a more easily acceptable direction.
Once I took a job where I was exposed to the full gamit of society I quickly lost faith in humanity (and its common amoung people in my profession). Strangely, its not the lower nor higher escelons of society with whom I find the most reprehensible behaviour. Its those we would call privileged middle class who behave in the most revolting ways. There is something about that segment which is ugly, the sense of entitlement, the demands, the incessant need to draw attention to themselves. The more they have, the more they think they should get. Do something nice for them and they suddenly believe it was their right anyway and that you are now cheating them out of other stuff they think is their due. This is the behaviour I experience with the greatest frequency, and given the privileged middle class form the greatest number of society in my country, I am lead to believe this is a more accurate reflection on my society than I had before. Such that it is.
This idea that bad things are only done by a small minority is what I am challenging, because my experience tells me otherwise. The truly criminal element in society, yes I agree is a minority but their activites are targeted, organised and specific with a goal in mind. The general acts of unkindness that are random and thoughtless, most often perpetuated by what most people consider to be the 'good part' of society. I have little doubt that the people who robbed my coworkers friend, were opportunisitic middle class rather than the poor from a rough neighbourhood, especially considering where it occurred.
[MENTION=1125]INTJMom[/MENTION],
Now that I have thought about this more, and also taken steps to put more focus and structure into my life I truly believe this malaise to be at least partially brought on by a lack of that focus and drive INTJs require. We are idealists but not free spirits in the sense that we do well with endless freedom. I still want and need a goal to focus on, somewhere to direct my energy rather than passively observing the behaviour of others and finding disappointment with what I observe. Fundamentally I am an analyst and analysis with nowhere to go turns to rumination and frustration.
Its also my stage of life. I have had several careers now and all with the same anti-climatic end. A sense of wasting my time and talent in careers which do not make the best use of either. Ever since I was a small child I have wanted my own business and thats an inclination I have ignored for too long. Careers are unsatisfying for me because I love to create and design systems, jobs don't give you the scope to do that fully. There are always other stakeholders who will avidly defend the system as it is and are resistant to change. There are ego's to dance around and people who fear being made redundant. I'm not saying those are unreasonable fears, they are entirely reasonable for people whom rely on a job. But this is just an avenue that doesn't work with my aspirations and nor does it use my full capacity, leaving me with idleness of the mind which turns to rumination and judging.
My yoga practice is helping me to accept, even if I cant fully embrace, the world just yet. I have a feeling that in time, I will find a way to use this dark view of life and turn it into an opportunity. People dont come to conclusions for no reason, there is something of value here even in this sense of despair. I realise now that this is the first time in 10yrs where I have had no distractions (in terms of other people to caretake) and am faced with only one relationship, the one I have with myself. Thats important because I am discovering some shocking things about my relationship with me. Things that were easy to not see while my drive was engaged elsewhere.