It just doesn't make sense to me that a guy could like someone but not pursue them romantically.
Haha! I
still don't get this and I've been with my ISTP for about 2 years. Even in a relationship, anything interpersonal usually has to be initiated by me. (With the exception of gift giving, because he uses that to connect.) He is very passive about initiating anything that involves me, like he never wants to persuade me into anything. (Sex, going somewhere together, watching something, compliments, conversation.) Of course, I
can not understand this in practice, and doubt I ever will.
It used to cause fights because it bothered me so much, now I've just sort of adapted to be more comfortable with it. It was sooo bad at the beginning - he was extremely passive. The times he's tried to explain it for me (with some difficulty), he says its sort of a combination of
not realizing he should act on his feelings and being really oblivious that I would want him to. He has also said, depending on the situation, that sometime he won't take action if he decides there will likely be some bad consequence like rejection. (He says he imagines worst case scenarios.)
Sometimes he will go into his 'cave' all day & then complain when I want to go out that night, because he's waiting for me to come to bed or he'll be confused when I am unsettled when I get to bed (because we haven't spoken all day). I think maybe its just the
way he's introverted - holding (loving) things in is how he experiences them. Sometimes I get the sense that he thinks more about liking me, or the state of our relationship; or his happiness with me, than he expresses. I get affirmation that he likes me, but when I need more of it I have to ask him because he just feels normal holding it all in. He seems sincere when he says it just never
occurs to him to do it.
As an INFP who just wants her ISTP to be happy (all the time if it's in her power), I'd like to know why this is. We have only one persistent issue, and it's that I'm not outgoing enough in public (I have a bit of social phobia). This is something he has not explicitly complained about, but I know he'd be delighted if I was more talkative. Because after we get out of a social situation, he acts like he's bummed to be around me, because I wasn't the life of the party.
This sounds kind of familiar in an odd way. My ISTP loves being around people but he always needs an escape route or a 'buffer.' I am his buffer in social situations... if I'm not feeling like being really talkative with our friends, he will get a bit moody. It seems to just be a comfort thing. He does have Fe in there somewhere, and his compulsion for it comes out in short bursts when we are socializing, but its not steady enough (and he isn't skilled enough expressing it) to maintain conversations, stories, jokes, as consistently as is needed to keep away those awkward silences. I see it as a sort of curse... haha... he craves being around new people or people he isn't entirely comfortable with (because then they are exciting), but he can't really do it very well unless its
all activity. The socializing he is bad at, and if I'm not feeling up for it, he feels less enjoyment because he has to face that tension, and there can be a bit of resentment if he gets stressed.
Maybe something in that is related to your ISTP wanting you to be more open & social, because it 'lightens the load' of his social tension.