[MBTI General] ISTP/INFP Relationship

[seamaid]

Udog: Are your needs being met? A general rule is that if your needs aren't being met, but his are, then it's your responsibility to do something about it.

That was a very good question, Udog, and it prompted me to write my ISTP a long email about what I would like from him. I was very direct, honest, and open about what I wanted from a relationship.

Long story short, he replied back via email and clarified things wonderfully/logically. There were mixed signals on both our parts. He admitted he could be more open about his feelings, but wasn't sure whether I was wanting to be more than simply a "bedtime blanket-snatcher" since I had been telling him that I was scared of commitment, and wanted to take time before deciding conclusively about us, etc. (I said all that because I didn't want to come off as caring too much, and I wasn't sure if I did want to commit to someone who didn't appear to be falling head-over-heels in love with me.)

In other words, he reassured me that he does truly like me and care about me. He was just being considerate, not wanting to toe the line I had ostensibly drawn. So then I told him that I just wanted to know what sort of a lover he is, how he shows he cares, so that I knew what to look for, having had no prior experience with an ISTP boyfriend before.

We then spent the past weekend together, and it was really great. I felt there was much more trust between us, and I didn't need to hold back my affection, or feel like I had to play any "mind games". And he even said the three words first yesterday -- something of a watershed moment!

And just now, he gave me a phone call (a total surprise), a real one that lasted over 41 minutes. I actually hung up first because I didn't have much else to say... In summary, things are really progressing between us.

ISTP/INFP might not be such a bad combo after all.

Phoenity: With people I am close to, and I'm getting better about being comfortable being this way around people I don't know well, is that we can be together and not say a word, and it's very blissful, especially when the setting is particularly nice. It's not that I'm in my head thinking about other things. Rather, it's that my mind is quiet, likely focusing on nothing more than the timelessness of the present moment, and the fact that I am spending it with you, right now. This moment is passing faster than our mind can perceive it passing, and we will only experience it again as memories of us together.

Wow... thank you for that insight, Phoenity! This gives me a totally new perspective on what might be going through my ISTP's head when we have those hmm... frequent... silent moments. I feel a lot less anxious about them now.

To Unique: I think so too! Initiating isn't soo bad... I'm starting to realize that he's just not one to initiate very aggressively, and he'd be no different with any other girl.

I also want to add more observations from this past weekend: ISTPs appeal to the INFP "damsel-in-distress" thing. My guy is always super alert to everything that is going on (a big reason why he seems not to be paying much "dreamy" romantic attention to me in public) and finds opportunities wherever possible to be "Superman", partly because he really wants to help and a bit for his ego too (heehee). The good thing about that is it makes me feel secure, feminine, and very proud that I have such a strong, brave, and chivalrous boyfriend.

 

[Wiley45]

My brother is an ISTP. 3/4 of the time we are partners in crime and get along famously. The other 1/4 of the time, he thinks I'm weird enough to have come from a different planet, and I think he's a jerk, so he gets kicked off my island.

 

[Unique]

Every time I come into this thread I wish I was with my INFP :[

It's so sad watching her alone or choosing the most strange men to go out with (ones that don't fit her ideals at all so that she wont have to grow to love or marry them) meanwhile searching for some idealistic love that may or may not be real

Meanwhile denying real love and denying feelings... hmm

 

[seamaid]

Unique, why don't you make the first move? I used to be like your INFP. I didn't truly see the guys I dated for who they were, only how they might fit my fantasies. I was often completely in denial of their true natures, which inevitably led to disappointment and heartbreak. It took the pain of experience to use my head first rather than my heart, and this allowed me to step back and observe compatibility before letting myself feel anything.

My ISTP started off as just a new movie-watching buddy I met online, who turned out to be a most pleasant surprise. Of course, I would probably not have given him a chance if he had not been funny and charming from the get-go (with the ever-present little smile and the mischievous look in his eyes). I thought he was rather a geek at first, but the moment he first took off his glasses, that was when I was like, whoa he's kinda cute... Even when we were just friends, he'd find ways to be more than that; i.e., by putting his hand out, gently touching me, and making sure I didn't get knocked around while the train was moving or get run over by passing traffic on the street.

Little things like that can woo an unsuspecting INFP.

 

[Udog]

making sure I didn't get knocked around while the train was moving or get run over by passing traffic on the street.

Ultimately, that's all us INFPs really need... someone to make sure we don't walk out into oncoming traffic.

 

[seamaid]

Ultimately, that's all us INFPs really need... someone to make sure we don't walk out into oncoming traffic.

Yes, that about sums it up. Only, don't get too overprotective, or worse yet, do NOT tell us how to lead our lives -- nothing annoys me more than someone who tries to control me. Be gentle, non-critical, and lighten up suggestions with humor and I'll be putty in your hands.

 

[StephMC]

In other words, he reassured me that he does truly like me and care about me. He was just being considerate, not wanting to toe the line I had ostensibly drawn.

Yep. We do that. A lot. We're are -always- very cautious around the lines people draw for us and we don't want to overstep them... because we wouldn't want people overstepping the lines we draw

 

[Unique]

Unique, why don't you make the first move? I used to be like your INFP. I didn't truly see the guys I dated for who they were, only how they might fit my fantasies. I was often completely in denial of their true natures, which inevitably led to disappointment and heartbreak. It took the pain of experience to use my head first rather than my heart, and this allowed me to step back and observe compatibility before letting myself feel anything.

My ISTP started off as just a new movie-watching buddy I met online, who turned out to be a most pleasant surprise. Of course, I would probably not have given him a chance if he had not been funny and charming from the get-go (with the ever-present little smile and the mischievous look in his eyes). I thought he was rather a geek at first, but the moment he first took off his glasses, that was when I was like, whoa he's kinda cute... Even when we were just friends, he'd find ways to be more than that; i.e., by putting his hand out, gently touching me, and making sure I didn't get knocked around while the train was moving or get run over by passing traffic on the street.

Little things like that can woo an unsuspecting INFP.

I don't make the first move cause she gives too many mixed messages, I've talked to her online several times about me liking her, I've apparently told her while drunk (but don't remember) that "I love her" her friends have told her plenty of times, she's told me while drunk that she loves me a few times and that "I'm lovely" and cuddles up to me fairly often under the influence too

It seems that deep deep down she loves me but as soon as she's sober its back to the idealisms

Where as I love her all the time but I've given up now and everyone thinks I have and I am pretty much over her but it seems like she'll always have a place in my heart

I feel like I've really given it my all, I've done all of the above you suggest and then some, eg. I went to a concert with her when she got stuck with a sold out ticket and paid more so I could go with her, I went to the movies with her after some guy bailed on her (and yeah she rejected my advances that night... being sober and all >.<)

I mean we are talking a long time here, I've even tried playing hard to get/cocky which seemed to get her interested but when it came to making a decision to be with me was STILL indecisive with a "maybe later" sorta thing

Do you actually care about how cute a guy looks? I mean I've been told I'm quite good looking but she does seem to be secretly shallow (and I say secretly cause she seems to want everyone to think she's deeper than that)
but when she goes out with a guy purely because he fit her physical ideal (and she drew pictures of him AND sent them to me knowing full well that I wouldn't appreciate this) then what other conclusion can I draw? (no pun intended)

Maybe I still love her, but I've given up and for good reason, if she wants me she can come to me now... I'm done

 

[hommefatal]

I would say sexually types are often most attracted to their opposite type of thought.
While romantically they are often most attracted to their opposite type of appearance.

INFP -> ISTP
INFP -> ENFJ

 

[seamaid]

Aww... sorry to hear that, Unique. Maybe she needs more time, but in any case, there's no point in putting your life on hold for her. It's good that you've moved on. And there are other fantastic INFPs out there.

As for the cute thing, I personally have been boy-crazy since I was a child and the boy's looks were often a key factor in idealizing him. But I've been attracted to dark-haired, blonde-haired, tall, short, husky, thin, sporty, geeky, all sorts really... for me he has to be above all else, irreverent and boyish. And I've been known to draw the guys I like too, being an artist... That's just speaking for myself though... I dunno if other INFPs put a lot of stock on looks.

 

[jixmixfix]

I don't make the first move cause she gives too many mixed messages, I've talked to her online several times about me liking her, I've apparently told her while drunk (but don't remember) that "I love her" her friends have told her plenty of times, she's told me while drunk that she loves me a few times and that "I'm lovely" and cuddles up to me fairly often under the influence too

It seems that deep deep down she loves me but as soon as she's sober its back to the idealisms

Where as I love her all the time but I've given up now and everyone thinks I have and I am pretty much over her but it seems like she'll always have a place in my heart

I feel like I've really given it my all, I've done all of the above you suggest and then some, eg. I went to a concert with her when she got stuck with a sold out ticket and paid more so I could go with her, I went to the movies with her after some guy bailed on her (and yeah she rejected my advances that night... being sober and all >.<)

I mean we are talking a long time here, I've even tried playing hard to get/cocky which seemed to get her interested but when it came to making a decision to be with me was STILL indecisive with a "maybe later" sorta thing

Do you actually care about how cute a guy looks? I mean I've been told I'm quite good looking but she does seem to be secretly shallow (and I say secretly cause she seems to want everyone to think she's deeper than that)
but when she goes out with a guy purely because he fit her physical ideal (and she drew pictures of him AND sent them to me knowing full well that I wouldn't appreciate this) then what other conclusion can I draw? (no pun intended)

Maybe I still love her, but I've given up and for good reason, if she wants me she can come to me now... I'm done

I have the same kind of problem with this other INFP girl i like, I don't love her but she sends mixed signals as If she likes me but doesen't care much to actually get in contact with me. From me experiance INFPs are weird with relationships they seem to need someone with extreme authority over them.

 

[jixmixfix]

I have the same kind of problem with this other INFP girl i like, I don't love her but she sends mixed signals as If she likes me but doesen't care much to actually get in contact with me. From me experiance INFPs are weird with relationships they seem to need someone with extreme authority over them.

my*

 

[Unique]

I don't make the first move cause she gives too many mixed messages, I've talked to her online several times about me liking her, I've apparently told her while drunk (but don't remember) that "I love her" her friends have told her plenty of times, she's told me while drunk that she loves me a few times and that "I'm lovely" and cuddles up to me fairly often under the influence too

It seems that deep deep down she loves me but as soon as she's sober its back to the idealisms

Where as I love her all the time but I've given up now and everyone thinks I have and I am pretty much over her but it seems like she'll always have a place in my heart

I feel like I've really given it my all, I've done all of the above you suggest and then some, eg. I went to a concert with her when she got stuck with a sold out ticket and paid more so I could go with her, I went to the movies with her after some guy bailed on her (and yeah she rejected my advances that night... being sober and all >.<)

I mean we are talking a long time here, I've even tried playing hard to get/cocky which seemed to get her interested but when it came to making a decision to be with me was STILL indecisive with a "maybe later" sorta thing

Do you actually care about how cute a guy looks? I mean I've been told I'm quite good looking but she does seem to be secretly shallow (and I say secretly cause she seems to want everyone to think she's deeper than that)
but when she goes out with a guy purely because he fit her physical ideal (and she drew pictures of him AND sent them to me knowing full well that I wouldn't appreciate this) then what other conclusion can I draw? (no pun intended)

Maybe I still love her, but I've given up and for good reason, if she wants me she can come to me now... I'm done

I'm glad I posted this so I can come back and remind myself

 

[luminous beam]

aw well...she sounds scared shitless of being hurt. i wonder what her dating past is like.

 

[Unique]

I've known her since 14yrs of age, dating past? honestly she doesn't really have one she's gone out with a few guys that have been totally wrong for her, seems like if she cant have her ideal guy she'll go for one that just seems interesting for the moment until she realizes that she cant stand him

I honestly don't know why a girl would keep wasting her time while the guy that really loves her slips away slowly. I can't keep it up forever, I have to move on but I still want to see her happy

 

[seamaid]

For what it's worth, I'm rooting for ya, Unique.

I take hope in that at least you and the INFP girl like each other's personalities. Give it time and stand by her side--be her safe harbor, her "rock"--maybe something deeper might blossom from the friendship. A conscientious INFP won't use you just to feel better... she'll want the best for you too. And if she can't give you what you want from her, I would hope she has the grace to let you know that instead of stringing you along. I wouldn't totally give up anyhow... if you care about her that much, which it sounds like you do!

Though we have to be prepared for any outcome, and what will be will be... I really want INFP/ISTP relationships to succeed too. Sigh...

 

[Unique]

This whole INFP/ISTP thing reminds me of when harry met sally

 

[OrangeAppled]

I would say sexually types are often most attracted to their opposite type of thought.
While romantically they are often most attracted to their opposite type of appearance.

INFP -> ISTP
INFP -> ENFJ

That's pretty true for me

 

[sculpting]

Sure. My ISTP friend's wife occasionally tells me about some of the elaborate romantic gestures he made when they were dating. NFs would be proud. This doesn't mean all ISTPs are this way, though.
)

hehehe, mine was actually the pick-you-up-in-the-parking lot and throw you over my shoulder type of guy.

He is clueless about emo-endlessly so-but tends to speak via actions.

 

[jo savage]

Ok, I'm sorry, but I've got this thing going on with an INFP and I'm freakin confused. Maybe if everything could just pause and I could get back to it later...but I can't and I'd like feedback from you wonderful people.
So I was at school for a semester and met this really gorgeous INFP guy through school and rockclimbing. However, with me being a freshmeat freshman and him being five years older (non-traditional school, if you transfer in you have to start all over, and he transfered in after years elsewhere) I pretty much thought all of his advances where him eyeing me as prey (I didn't know his MBTI then).
I hung out with him and his friends a couple of times when he would invite me along. We would go rockclimbing (yes, isn't that perfect?). But I pretty much blew him off and ended up dating a guy my own age. I left after one semester and returned to my parents' house, a state away. I did not keep in touch with him. I didn't really know him even while I was at school.
I went back to visit at the end of the second semester and broke up with the boy I had been dating because he was psycho and it was dumb with the distance and all anyway. Then I ran into INFP one morning when there was no breakfast on campus and he took me out to breakfast. Then we ended up hanging out all day and for the remaining 4 days of my trip. Then summer came and we didn't talk for 2 months while he was over-seas but I thought about him all of the time and have written many letters to him that I have told him about but never have any intention of handing over because I sound completely irrational in them, and it's just really way too much. So last week, after he got back state-side, I went to visit him at his parents' house which is 1/2 day drive away. I had been looking forward to this trip, but about 2 weeks before this trip I suddenly seemed to loose interest and was really not that excited about going to see him because I figured he was not that into me since he hadn't really tried to keep in touch. But I went anyway. I find out from his parents that I'm one out of like literally three people he has ever brought home. So I'm like wow I must be special whoopie! And we have a great time, we do all sorts of things like swim and explore, have tickle fights, and he reads classics to me (which just seals the deal). Sometimes I'm wary of how vibrant or upbeat I act because I can be both extremely childish (playful) but switch to serious conversation mode. And I just feel like I'm overwhelming him and I don't want to scare him off. Oh and we have great sex and he likes to cuddle which really is nice and he told me things that seemed very personal/important to him that i don't get the feeling he's shared with others. and he has a playlist full of songs that make him think about me, and they are all pretty romantic.
But now that I've left, I'm acting completely CRAZY. I don't know who I am. I've emailed him and texted him much more than I ever have before and I call him and I'm so upset that he doesn't ever reply to anything but sends an occasional "I miss you" text at night when he's in bed trying to fall asleep. And then yesterday (lock me up now, please!, make it padded) I call him and he doesn't answer and I leave a voicemail that basically goes like this "Hi 'John,' i'm really sorry to have to do this over voicemail I'd really rather do this in person but I obviously can't do that so I just wanted to let you know that I love you SO SO much."


....yeah i've completely lost my f-ing mind.
so after I leave this darn message i vow to myself to not contact him at all, just wait for him to call me when he feels like it. so he calls me the next day wanting to talk about the message. and we have this 30 minute conversation which is me stating all sorts of disclaimers like:
i don't expect you to return these feelings.
i don't expect you to be calling me.
i don't expect anything from you basically. and he had to tell me his whole take on it, and then tell it to me again in different terms because i didn't understand what he said the first time, i thought he was telling me to let go. but he wasn't he was just saying he doesn't want me to start at a new school this fall and feel like i need to be thinking about him. and he clearly stated that he cares deeply about me. and i told him well, i will be, i can't not think about you. and he's just super wary. and i feel like i have only pushed him further into his shell.
I'm sorry this post is so g/d ridiculous. I just don't feel like pro-reading it. I just, gah, i don't know.
when i am at school away from him i will be thinking about him a lot. i will plan trips to see him. i will most likely flirt with a ton of guys on campus, but that doesn't mean i like him any less, and i think he will assume i will be flirting and he won't think i care about him. but i don't want to go about telling him i care about him all the time because i just sound f-ing crazy if i do that.
sorry sorry sorry
will do many backbends for those who feel like lending thoughts.