But the problem was that we come off as cold...I feel that might actually be worse for women... or maybe to put it this way maybe male INFJs have a harder time coping with having the strong feeling nature and when the male stereotype is men being less emotional...so maybe it's a male identity thing in that respects. Not that it would be visible to the outside world generally because of the reservedness, but in close relationships I can see it being an issue, whereas for women it's the opposite problem: Our reservedness comes accross as cold and uncaring and even "bithcy" because we're expected to be outright warm from the offset, but in personal close relationships it's less of a thing because women are supposed to be emotional. I would suspect that we get the negative feedback from different directions. I have gotten cold and proud and all sorts when inside I've just been shy to reveal myself for the fear of getting hurt. Also some aggression after I have not responded "enough" to advances from some less subtle types of brutes.
I have on more than one occasion been called a lesbian or frigid by these prince charmings...so it can actually be DANGEROUS sometimes for a woman to not project enough of the "warm welcoming" vibe.
Hey, welcome to the forum!
I've only known one male INFJ in real life, I think. I think he was more sensitive than his exterior showed - not that he came across as cold, but just quite calm and together. He certainly didn't come across as emo or effeminate, but certainly not a macho man either.
From what I've read here, and from my own experience and other female INFJs, I think the tendency is that INFJ men tend to come across a bit too emo for a man (rather than having the "too cold" problem), and INFJ women come across a bit too reserved for women. Personally, I've had all kinds of different feedback; some people say I come across as very warm and open, and while I don't think anyone's come right out and told me I was cold, I've certainly had people treat me as though they think I have no feelings, which I think is a consequence of some people being emotionally blind and assuming that because you look calm and collected you're unfeeling. The latter is extremely hurtful because like most INFJs I am very concerned and caring and very sensitive - almost hyper-sensitive.
In terms of how men treat me, this is going to sound weird, but in a lot of cases it's almost like they automatically treat me with a little too much respect.
Like, they find me interesting and even attractive but there's something too intimidating for them to want to pursue me, in most cases. In the case of both genders, it seems like many people tend to assume that I'm going to disapprove of them or their choices. I know INFJs can come over a bit judgmental and maybe that is a bit of a problem for me. I'm really quite accepting and non-judgmental most of the time though. It's a strange combination. ONe of the other members on this site, I think it was Skylights, who's an ENFP, put it very well - she said that INFJs are an odd mix of the "formal and the personal" in their dealings with others. I actually thought that was a very good way to put it.
I genuinely think a lot of people just don't know how to take us. They see someone calm and reticent (though I, and many INFJs, can be quite silly and fun-loving if we're in an environment where we feel comfortable), and perhaps externally we don't seem very emotional, but they can perhaps sense other stuff brewing below the surface. I don't know, I really think we're an odd mix and a lot of people find it intriguing but perhaps they prefer people (especially for romance) who are more straightforward.