Siúil a Rúin
when the colors fade
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2007
- Messages
- 14,045
- MBTI Type
- ISFP
- Enneagram
- 496
- Instinctual Variant
- sp/sx
I can relate to much in this post. There is also an aspect to my emotional world that my INFP sister has trouble accepting. I am able to observe and experience at the same time even when experiencing a fair amount of trauma. It is like having two streams of thought coexisting: one that is analytical and observing and the other emotional and experiencing. This allows me to admit when my mind is influenced by emotions while I am experiencing the emotion. If it is the PMS I will admit it while it is happening, and if it is my misperception, I try to admit my error and correct it regardless of its subjective impact on me. If something has happened that causes a great deal of pain, I can hold off any expression of it until I am alone and safe. I make sure to experience almost all of my intense emotional responses alone, and then when I know I have settled down, I re-enter the world of people to communicate in a reasonable way.The INFJs I know tend to have a polite, pleasant manner which usually makes people like them without actually getting close to them. We often come across as diplomatic, tactful, and caring people: and we are capable of enthusing and being effusive – but it will never be about ourselves (unless we are with the chosen few we trust). I have seen INFJs (me included) dancing a jig over somebody else's kids' pictures. Catch them gushing like that in public over their own children…
It's just a manner we have. We try to make people feel comfortable, and all too often we end up as everybody and his wife's confidant. In these roles we will not appear unemotional. But we will give out very little of our OWN emotions.
It's not that we don't feel, but we are very well at managing over emotions, and it’s very important that 'nobody will know'. I know of cases where INFJs went on working in an office after an affair with a coworker was over, and nobody could possibly guess either their previous involvement or their current unhappiness. We keep our secrets well, which is why others trust us with their own secrets.
However, we do feel, and when we let ourselves get emotional it might look quite extreme. I actually learned to share my emotions unguardedly only with other INFJS – everybody else, including very caring ESFJs I knew, ended up looking alarmed and asking why I am taking everything to heart and being 'too sensitive'! Only other INFJs know that you've been bottling up everything and presenting a tranquil, totally-in-control face to the world, and that you are darn tired of that.
I don't like to talk about my feelings because I don't want to be handled when in an emotional state, because I don't want to place that burden on people and I know what I need to do to get clear again. I don't want to express something irrational when I know it's not my true self or conclusions. It is very much like not wanting to talk about feeling queasy and throwing up. I know when I'm not thinking clearly and prefer to wait it out. Being a reasonable person regardless of circumstance is probably the single most important thing to me.
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