Magic Poriferan
^He pronks, too!
- Joined
- Nov 4, 2007
- Messages
- 14,081
- MBTI Type
- Yin
- Enneagram
- One
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/sp
I don't think unconditional love would even be a good idea.
I think unconditional love in romantic relationships is possible, but rare. I also think the only healthy way for it to happen is for it to develop over time. It's something that is best to, on some level, be consciously established, and only with someone who is healthy and positive enough to reciprocate.
I am loath to give examples from romantic film, particularly problematic ones like The Notebook, but if you look at the way Noah and Allie are in their senior years, that's what unconditional love is. There has been conflict in their lives, and they haven't even always been together, but if you see the way "old Noah" (Duke) takes care of his wife who doesn't even remember him, you get some idea. She's not doing anything for him at all, apart from just being herself (and even that is debatable, without her memories... so it may be more accurate to just say she's being). He hasn't stopped loving her just because she's sick, but that doesn't mean he's not hurt. It's love as a natural way of being instead of a transaction.
Unconditional love is not blind to abuse or dependency. There's a clear difference between harming someone and not providing conditional benefit.
There does always seem to be a condition, if even the condition is that the person giving "unconditional" love is to feel good about themselves for doing so.
except maybe mother to child
There does always seem to be a condition, if even the condition is that the person giving "unconditional" love is to feel good about themselves for doing so.
I'm skeptical about 100% unconditional love even being possible. I think just about everybody has a 'breaking point' when someone does something so heinous that love and forgiveness is just not possible. What if someone tried to kill you and felt no remorse whatsoever? That would be an example where I could no longer love the person.
I have my doubts that humans are even capable of such a thing, even in the parent child context. So many parents are looking for and extract from their children the cost of love over the course of their lives. Whether they do it consciously or not is up for debate. The parent/child relationships that I have known have been firmly based on an ownership dynamic where the child has the expectation placed upon it that they must reflect the parents values in the world.
I tend to think of unconditional love as being an idealised concept, but not really a practical one. The modus operandi of most people is a give-take situation. You barter for others affections with good behaviour and receive their approval in return. I'm not juding this as either good or bad, it just is. Realising this about human relations has been the hardest thing for me to square with. I'm not a fan of singing for my supper and feeling like a circus monkey in the process. I'm also not a fan of anyone holding currency over me for the purposes of being a puppet master. I like to maintain the ideal of personal freedom at least in my head if not anywhere else.
My view on love relationships is personally that they are all bound to be shortlived. No-one can perform for another and not feel exhausted at some point and a tad resentful at having to perform in the first place. The best I can acheive in such relationships now is to ride the wave of the less I understand your inner workings the better I like you and then to call a relationship at it's natural end when I discover enough objectionable things about my partner to realise being involved with them is no longer an option. Sorry if that offends some romantic notions out there, its all I've got at this point in time.
I think that love in and of itself is unconditional. I think it's something you tap into, not something that you give and take.
We apply "conditional" to practical relationships because we have finite resources - time and energy in particular - in reference to how much love we can consistently actively manifest towards someone. Love motivates one to act in a way that is compassionate and considerate of others, but it does not necessitate the prolongation of relationships which are to one's own detriment.
i couldn't agree more.
to me, the capacity of love grows when one's own self-love grows. when one is able to reorganize their needs in a way that, through sharing, lifts them up. empathy, the practice of compassion, creates a true gift, a surplus. it offers a way that something can become more than the sum of its parts. it's the core of spirit, an ethereal thing, part of what binds us and releases us at the same time.
Love of self is important too, so that a balance is maintained where you also are seeking what's best for you in self-respect.
I think that love in and of itself is unconditional. I think it's something you tap into, not something that you give and take.
We apply "conditional" to practical relationships because we have finite resources - time and energy in particular - in reference to how much love we can consistently actively manifest towards someone. Love motivates one to act in a way that is compassionate and considerate of others, but it does not necessitate the prolongation of relationships which are to one's own detriment.