Melly382
New member
- Joined
- Jan 15, 2013
- Messages
- 20
- MBTI Type
- INFP
Hello everyone,
I started by responding to one of the questionnaires, but I feel like they don't touch on or help clarify my real sources of confusion in the end. So please enjoy (hah) the following wall of text in which I attempt to lay out some of the reasons for why I am considering each type! Thanks ahead of time to anyone who is willing to wade into this and provide me with feedback.
Disclaimer: I'm sure I have many misconceptions about Enneagram types so please be patient and feel free to ask me any questions you think would help clarify things!
Type 4:
I've considered myself a 4 for many years now and only started to question it as an adult because I view myself as being much more practical and emotionally level than most portraits of 4 lead me to believe.
A) In the past, I would have strongly identified with the need to believe and be seen as unique, especially as a way to preserve a sense of self-worth when I felt rejected and bullied by peers. I was practically a loner in high school from my point of view, but that was okay because I had qualities that just weren't valued by the peer groups I was rejected by. I felt disdain for others.
B) A desire to wallow in emotional intensity, usually via intense daydreaming and fantasizing (primarily as a kid through mid-20s); I used to lay around daydreaming and spent quite a lot of time journaling about my emotions and drawing my fantasies. I enjoy melancholic/sad things and don't find it at all upsetting to consume music/stories that are steeped in it. Most of my favorite pieces of music of tinged with a sense of longing or sadness.
C) Struggling with envy for the qualities of others that (in my mind) made them 1000 times more likeable/acceptable/attractive than myself. I've often felt like I lacked something that would enable me to participate in the world and relationships as easily as everyone else. In the past, the people I've been most envious of are often the people i've been closest to/merged with. This is mostly true of female friends (I am female). While I still experience envy, I don't feel worthless or self-hating by comparison to others as an adult.
D) I place a lot of value in my feelings. I pay attention to and listen to how I feel for the most part. When I've done something and had to explain myself to someone else, I feel that the way I "felt" was a legitimate explanation for doing that thing regardless of whether it was right or not. And I usually allow myself to indulge in whatever emotional state occurs as long as it doesn't strike me as unhealthy.
E) I also have a strong need to be authentically "me," and for that core of "me" to be recognized, though I feel that most people don't really have a pulse on "me." Nothing upsets me like feeling that I am fundamentally misunderstood by someone. I feel a sense of anger when I feel like I am being misrepresented in someone else's description of me. It doesn't even have to be negative to be bothersome.
I've started to move away from considering 4 lately because I do not find myself wallowing in extreme emotional states frequently anymore, I don't struggle with envy nearly as often. Even if I do struggle with it occasionally, it's easy to avoid the emotional sting of being lesser by comparison and resenting/worshiping that other person as a result.
Type 6:
A) I've never been diagnosed with anything like generalized anxiety disorder, but I have noticed a pretty constant buzz of fear in the background of my life. That fear is not necessarily of anything specific, although I do find plenty of things to worry about and am often keeping a running tally of things I need to do/think about/be concerned about. I often think about something that has been on my to-do list with a sudden jolt of fear, even if taking care of that thing is 100% on schedule and it will probably all work out. I am still nervous about its existence, and its importance, and the potential threat that messing it up or forgetting it presents. Those little jolts of fear keep me motivated to handle the urgent things that I need to (but only up to a point).
B) I identify with the fear of losing support, though I cannot figure out if what I experience is the 6's fear of losing support, or the 9's fear of separation/loss. I often worry about what I will do when I lose my mom. I think "who will love me then? Who can I rely on to be in my corner? Who else will be there to unconditionally love me and keep an eye on my well-being?" Breakups are hard for me, I often feel adrift after losing a partner, even if they are still in my life somehow. After a breakup, I know I will never have the same value that I had to that person so I can no longer rely on them to look out for me. I think I would feel very untethered to life if I didn't have the surety that someone out there is invested in me.
C) I've also encountered the idea that 6's have a hard time making decisions or reaching conclusions that they feel confident about. I strongly identify with that. I often doubt my decisions and feel a sense of fear after making decisions because I regret being locked into something I am uncertain about. I have reached a point in my life, however, where I feel that I need to be making choices in order to get anywhere in life. I've done a lot of research and exploration to try to make choices that at least seem like safe bets or provide me with enough breathing room to escape.
D) Testing the people in their lives--I am not necessarily slow to trust people with personal information about myself, but I am slow to trust that people are there for the long haul, that they really like me and want to be there long-term. This comes out most often in intimate relationships where I feel the need to be very honest about my flaws in order to get a sense of how the other person would react/what they think. I also do a lot of early-relationship fear-based problem forecasting, pointing out the giant differences between myself and the other person if I see them rather than waiting for them to become a problem. Coming up explanations of how these differences could lead to disappointment or conflict. I tend to give the other person ample opportunities to opt out (even though it would hurt if they did) before I will relax and begin relying on them.
E) Preoccupation with security. I do feel that I am very much security and stability-seeking. One of the big reasons that I am going back to school is that I fear for my ability to provide for myself in the future unless I increase my earnings. I strongly desire a high-earning, secure, and stable job so that I don't have to worry about money. I also look for security in intimate relationships although I do not yet feel like i've been in a relationship where I could really fully rely on the other person.
Type 9:
A) The biggest reason is how often I choose to numb out stressful things. The best example of this is probably my work environment where I have been struggling to deal with incredible anger and frustration over the past year or so. I feel that my exemplary work has been overlooked by the people who matter, and that I am often forced to do the work of others because of a broken system. Now I, as well as several other coworkers, have expressed our frustration on numerous occasions in numerous ways. But things have not changed. To preserve my sanity, I have withdrawn probably to an extreme extent. I prefer to keep to myself and do my work, but avoid interacting with other people who are sources of anger/frustration for me. I tend to pop in my headphones and take frequent breaks between the BS to browse the internet/pinterest/other mindless pleasurable things that help me get through the day.
I also tend to ignore stressful things as much as I possibly can. When I get home, I typically need extensive periods of time to zone out with tv/books/the internet/video games to recharge and decompress. That can mean that I often put off regular chores, or fail to keep on top of important things that I know won't have catastrophic consequences. Bills are often paid late because there is typically no penalty, or an acceptable penalty I can pay to preserve the peace by not thinking about it. I manage to stay mostly on top of schoolwork and other extremely important priorities/concerns (things related to my dog's health, grades, etc), but I'll avoid mentally taxing things related to goals I am pursuing (that thing I should have done early in preparation for applying to grad programs, healthcare appointments, etc) so long as they are not "urgent."
I will also try to distract myself as much as possible from experiencing intensely negative emotions that stem from circumstances in my own life. For example, after my most recent break-up, I alternated between periods of intense crying/emotional wallowing and actively distracting myself by cleaning my apartment, grocery shopping, playing a game with a friend. Anything that served to level me out emotionally without requiring a lot of mental effort. I do not like to remain in a state of despair, pain, or self-loathing. I try to manage those emotions and keep moving forward. I do occasionally allow myself periods of wallowing, but they are not prolonged or crippling like they might have been in the past.
B) Sloth. I feel that I have been a victim of my own sloth in the past. During college, I felt very motivated by my goals at the time and I performed to a high level. After college, I became overwhelmed by responsibility and the burden of making some important decisions in life, and I wasted quite a bit of time being completely inert in life. My days were spent working a dead-end job that required little of me while living at my parents' home and spending all of my free time on video games. I avoided making any decisions or taking any risks and just lived for the daily pleasures I could get for probably 2 years before I was given an ultimatum that kicked my life in gear again.
C) I am uncertain whether fear or anger is the bigger fixation for me. I have a great deal of suppressed anger and resentment, but I do not feel that I am asleep to that anger. I feel that I often express that anger, though I try to express it in a way that masks the real degree of my anger unless I am pushed to the point of explosion. I have been told that I can come across as silently seething and simmering when I am angry. I usually try to reign it in at work, but I rarely have a problem with expressing it to intimates. I know that I often give the impression of being friendly, and have been told that my anger comes as an intense surprise for others as a result. One acquaintance made a point to say that she thought it was "scary" when I was angry, even without me verbally or physically expressing that anger directly.
A random mish-mash of additional thoughts:
I sometimes struggle to identify with Type 9 descriptions because I do not see myself as being as compliant or self-sacrificing as 9's are often described. I tend to go along until someone butts up against my hard limits or I withdraw or hold myself at a distance to avoid dealing with the expectations of others. I would say that I do look for silver linings but it's less trying to turn every specific situation into a positive situation, and moreso a deeply held belief that I will figure something out; some way of coping with or responding to a situation, and that I will persevere. I do not really struggle with conflict. At work, for example, I don't have a problem with expressing my opinion or problems that I foresee. In fact, I have done so in the past to the point where I cultivated a reputation for being a difficult and malcontent individual. At that point I started to experience fear and responded by withdrawing from my coworkers and contributing less negative feedback in order to avoid burning bridges. I am very comfortable with conflict between intimate friends and relationships. In fact, I find it very hard to let something painful or bad linger between us and often attack it even if that means there is conflict as a result. I am very patient and long-suffering with the people I love in the hopes that they will recognize this, feel safe, and offer me safety in return. If I can trust that to be the case, conflict is not an issue for me. I have also often taken stands in certain groups in the past that have led to the loss of those friendships. It was painful and uncomfortable for me, but I won't go along at all costs. In general I try to avoid ruffling feathers or offending anyone to get by. I think I present a generally friendly but reserved front to people in 90% of social situations.
Reactivity: I am not sure I understand reactivity. I read a thread earlier where someone described reactivity as being easily affected by one's environment, and they provided some examples I really related to. I would say that I am easily emotionally affected. I am very emotionally affected by the people around me. If someone I am close to is in a bad mood, it gives me a great sense of anxiety and really throws me off. If I am around them for a prolonged period of time, i will start to feel drained and depressed by their mood. I am guilty of constantly checking in with people about perceived changes in their mood out of my own nervousness. A single thing my boss says can send me into a tailspin of doubt about whether they value me or recognize my efforts, which can leave a lasting negative impression on my day. Feeling that I said or did the wrong thing can send me into a small panic where I feel the need to immediately address the issue, apologize, or somehow gain reassurance. If something has an extremely negative emotional impact on me, I will usually try to soothe myself through distraction, talking myself down, or seeking reassurance from others. Seeking reassurance from others can come in the form of going directly to the other person involved and apologizing, or looking for some kind of sign that they aren't concerned with whatever I am stressing about. Or it can come in the form of going to someone uninvolved for a reality check or comfort.
I started by responding to one of the questionnaires, but I feel like they don't touch on or help clarify my real sources of confusion in the end. So please enjoy (hah) the following wall of text in which I attempt to lay out some of the reasons for why I am considering each type! Thanks ahead of time to anyone who is willing to wade into this and provide me with feedback.
Disclaimer: I'm sure I have many misconceptions about Enneagram types so please be patient and feel free to ask me any questions you think would help clarify things!
Type 4:
I've considered myself a 4 for many years now and only started to question it as an adult because I view myself as being much more practical and emotionally level than most portraits of 4 lead me to believe.
A) In the past, I would have strongly identified with the need to believe and be seen as unique, especially as a way to preserve a sense of self-worth when I felt rejected and bullied by peers. I was practically a loner in high school from my point of view, but that was okay because I had qualities that just weren't valued by the peer groups I was rejected by. I felt disdain for others.
B) A desire to wallow in emotional intensity, usually via intense daydreaming and fantasizing (primarily as a kid through mid-20s); I used to lay around daydreaming and spent quite a lot of time journaling about my emotions and drawing my fantasies. I enjoy melancholic/sad things and don't find it at all upsetting to consume music/stories that are steeped in it. Most of my favorite pieces of music of tinged with a sense of longing or sadness.
C) Struggling with envy for the qualities of others that (in my mind) made them 1000 times more likeable/acceptable/attractive than myself. I've often felt like I lacked something that would enable me to participate in the world and relationships as easily as everyone else. In the past, the people I've been most envious of are often the people i've been closest to/merged with. This is mostly true of female friends (I am female). While I still experience envy, I don't feel worthless or self-hating by comparison to others as an adult.
D) I place a lot of value in my feelings. I pay attention to and listen to how I feel for the most part. When I've done something and had to explain myself to someone else, I feel that the way I "felt" was a legitimate explanation for doing that thing regardless of whether it was right or not. And I usually allow myself to indulge in whatever emotional state occurs as long as it doesn't strike me as unhealthy.
E) I also have a strong need to be authentically "me," and for that core of "me" to be recognized, though I feel that most people don't really have a pulse on "me." Nothing upsets me like feeling that I am fundamentally misunderstood by someone. I feel a sense of anger when I feel like I am being misrepresented in someone else's description of me. It doesn't even have to be negative to be bothersome.
I've started to move away from considering 4 lately because I do not find myself wallowing in extreme emotional states frequently anymore, I don't struggle with envy nearly as often. Even if I do struggle with it occasionally, it's easy to avoid the emotional sting of being lesser by comparison and resenting/worshiping that other person as a result.
Type 6:
A) I've never been diagnosed with anything like generalized anxiety disorder, but I have noticed a pretty constant buzz of fear in the background of my life. That fear is not necessarily of anything specific, although I do find plenty of things to worry about and am often keeping a running tally of things I need to do/think about/be concerned about. I often think about something that has been on my to-do list with a sudden jolt of fear, even if taking care of that thing is 100% on schedule and it will probably all work out. I am still nervous about its existence, and its importance, and the potential threat that messing it up or forgetting it presents. Those little jolts of fear keep me motivated to handle the urgent things that I need to (but only up to a point).
B) I identify with the fear of losing support, though I cannot figure out if what I experience is the 6's fear of losing support, or the 9's fear of separation/loss. I often worry about what I will do when I lose my mom. I think "who will love me then? Who can I rely on to be in my corner? Who else will be there to unconditionally love me and keep an eye on my well-being?" Breakups are hard for me, I often feel adrift after losing a partner, even if they are still in my life somehow. After a breakup, I know I will never have the same value that I had to that person so I can no longer rely on them to look out for me. I think I would feel very untethered to life if I didn't have the surety that someone out there is invested in me.
C) I've also encountered the idea that 6's have a hard time making decisions or reaching conclusions that they feel confident about. I strongly identify with that. I often doubt my decisions and feel a sense of fear after making decisions because I regret being locked into something I am uncertain about. I have reached a point in my life, however, where I feel that I need to be making choices in order to get anywhere in life. I've done a lot of research and exploration to try to make choices that at least seem like safe bets or provide me with enough breathing room to escape.
D) Testing the people in their lives--I am not necessarily slow to trust people with personal information about myself, but I am slow to trust that people are there for the long haul, that they really like me and want to be there long-term. This comes out most often in intimate relationships where I feel the need to be very honest about my flaws in order to get a sense of how the other person would react/what they think. I also do a lot of early-relationship fear-based problem forecasting, pointing out the giant differences between myself and the other person if I see them rather than waiting for them to become a problem. Coming up explanations of how these differences could lead to disappointment or conflict. I tend to give the other person ample opportunities to opt out (even though it would hurt if they did) before I will relax and begin relying on them.
E) Preoccupation with security. I do feel that I am very much security and stability-seeking. One of the big reasons that I am going back to school is that I fear for my ability to provide for myself in the future unless I increase my earnings. I strongly desire a high-earning, secure, and stable job so that I don't have to worry about money. I also look for security in intimate relationships although I do not yet feel like i've been in a relationship where I could really fully rely on the other person.
Type 9:
A) The biggest reason is how often I choose to numb out stressful things. The best example of this is probably my work environment where I have been struggling to deal with incredible anger and frustration over the past year or so. I feel that my exemplary work has been overlooked by the people who matter, and that I am often forced to do the work of others because of a broken system. Now I, as well as several other coworkers, have expressed our frustration on numerous occasions in numerous ways. But things have not changed. To preserve my sanity, I have withdrawn probably to an extreme extent. I prefer to keep to myself and do my work, but avoid interacting with other people who are sources of anger/frustration for me. I tend to pop in my headphones and take frequent breaks between the BS to browse the internet/pinterest/other mindless pleasurable things that help me get through the day.
I also tend to ignore stressful things as much as I possibly can. When I get home, I typically need extensive periods of time to zone out with tv/books/the internet/video games to recharge and decompress. That can mean that I often put off regular chores, or fail to keep on top of important things that I know won't have catastrophic consequences. Bills are often paid late because there is typically no penalty, or an acceptable penalty I can pay to preserve the peace by not thinking about it. I manage to stay mostly on top of schoolwork and other extremely important priorities/concerns (things related to my dog's health, grades, etc), but I'll avoid mentally taxing things related to goals I am pursuing (that thing I should have done early in preparation for applying to grad programs, healthcare appointments, etc) so long as they are not "urgent."
I will also try to distract myself as much as possible from experiencing intensely negative emotions that stem from circumstances in my own life. For example, after my most recent break-up, I alternated between periods of intense crying/emotional wallowing and actively distracting myself by cleaning my apartment, grocery shopping, playing a game with a friend. Anything that served to level me out emotionally without requiring a lot of mental effort. I do not like to remain in a state of despair, pain, or self-loathing. I try to manage those emotions and keep moving forward. I do occasionally allow myself periods of wallowing, but they are not prolonged or crippling like they might have been in the past.
B) Sloth. I feel that I have been a victim of my own sloth in the past. During college, I felt very motivated by my goals at the time and I performed to a high level. After college, I became overwhelmed by responsibility and the burden of making some important decisions in life, and I wasted quite a bit of time being completely inert in life. My days were spent working a dead-end job that required little of me while living at my parents' home and spending all of my free time on video games. I avoided making any decisions or taking any risks and just lived for the daily pleasures I could get for probably 2 years before I was given an ultimatum that kicked my life in gear again.
C) I am uncertain whether fear or anger is the bigger fixation for me. I have a great deal of suppressed anger and resentment, but I do not feel that I am asleep to that anger. I feel that I often express that anger, though I try to express it in a way that masks the real degree of my anger unless I am pushed to the point of explosion. I have been told that I can come across as silently seething and simmering when I am angry. I usually try to reign it in at work, but I rarely have a problem with expressing it to intimates. I know that I often give the impression of being friendly, and have been told that my anger comes as an intense surprise for others as a result. One acquaintance made a point to say that she thought it was "scary" when I was angry, even without me verbally or physically expressing that anger directly.
A random mish-mash of additional thoughts:
I sometimes struggle to identify with Type 9 descriptions because I do not see myself as being as compliant or self-sacrificing as 9's are often described. I tend to go along until someone butts up against my hard limits or I withdraw or hold myself at a distance to avoid dealing with the expectations of others. I would say that I do look for silver linings but it's less trying to turn every specific situation into a positive situation, and moreso a deeply held belief that I will figure something out; some way of coping with or responding to a situation, and that I will persevere. I do not really struggle with conflict. At work, for example, I don't have a problem with expressing my opinion or problems that I foresee. In fact, I have done so in the past to the point where I cultivated a reputation for being a difficult and malcontent individual. At that point I started to experience fear and responded by withdrawing from my coworkers and contributing less negative feedback in order to avoid burning bridges. I am very comfortable with conflict between intimate friends and relationships. In fact, I find it very hard to let something painful or bad linger between us and often attack it even if that means there is conflict as a result. I am very patient and long-suffering with the people I love in the hopes that they will recognize this, feel safe, and offer me safety in return. If I can trust that to be the case, conflict is not an issue for me. I have also often taken stands in certain groups in the past that have led to the loss of those friendships. It was painful and uncomfortable for me, but I won't go along at all costs. In general I try to avoid ruffling feathers or offending anyone to get by. I think I present a generally friendly but reserved front to people in 90% of social situations.
Reactivity: I am not sure I understand reactivity. I read a thread earlier where someone described reactivity as being easily affected by one's environment, and they provided some examples I really related to. I would say that I am easily emotionally affected. I am very emotionally affected by the people around me. If someone I am close to is in a bad mood, it gives me a great sense of anxiety and really throws me off. If I am around them for a prolonged period of time, i will start to feel drained and depressed by their mood. I am guilty of constantly checking in with people about perceived changes in their mood out of my own nervousness. A single thing my boss says can send me into a tailspin of doubt about whether they value me or recognize my efforts, which can leave a lasting negative impression on my day. Feeling that I said or did the wrong thing can send me into a small panic where I feel the need to immediately address the issue, apologize, or somehow gain reassurance. If something has an extremely negative emotional impact on me, I will usually try to soothe myself through distraction, talking myself down, or seeking reassurance from others. Seeking reassurance from others can come in the form of going directly to the other person involved and apologizing, or looking for some kind of sign that they aren't concerned with whatever I am stressing about. Or it can come in the form of going to someone uninvolved for a reality check or comfort.