What if someone you are close to is exhibiting many of these traits? Isn't there value in learning about the disorder and related ones to see if there are strategies to help the relationship? That is completely different from going up to a person and declaring a diagnosis.
There is a significant difference between a diagnosis and a concern. I have family members who are married to people who exhibit these behaviors to a point that they are making everyone around them sick. I've read up on it a lot because the information is practical when applied to situations in my life. Who on earth is going to go up to someone and declare a diagnosis? If you don't suspect it and study, how is anyone going to learn coping mechanisms? Yes, you can go to counseling, but they can't diagnosis someone they don't meet, so the most they could do is direct you to information as well, and support your own emotional wreckage that results from it.
We need to support people who are dealing with dysfunctional people.
Hey fia, No matter how hard I try to keep my notifications in order...each day it seems one or two slip by me and so I'm responding late here.
I sometimes have a difficult time understanding your posts/messages and the above is no exception. I get the sense I'm being criticized for something in someway... but what I'm unable to ascertain is whether or not you understood my message to AzulEyes in the first place. I mean, when you say above
"That is completely different from going up to a person and declaring a diagnosis." <-When I look at my message I don't know where that comes from...and just to be clear that wasn't my concern. It
would be if I got the sense that was what she had in mind to do but I didn't get that vibe from her for whatever reason. Moreover, when you say to me
"We need to support people who are dealing with dysfunctional people." I get the sense you feel I was advising against supporting (sorry I can't bring myself to use the phrase 'dysfunctional people') individuals that are experiencing challenges whatever they may be? The last line from my post actually advises she find an alternative way to help her friend...and while I didn't care to back it up at the time...that advice comes by way of some hard fought personal experience. I don't normally enter into these threads...but because of my INFJ sister...I do enter threads entitled
Borderline Personality Disorder.
Like any ENFP with Attention Deficit Disorder...I lost count of how many times I changed majors. I started out in Psychology though...kicking some serious butt when it came to diagnosis (seriously I should have stuck with it - I was an ENFP idiot after my first major change.) And of course I was thrilled to finally figure out what disorder it was my sister had been struggling with for some time. I never said this to
her though. But I ran right out and purchased 18 copies of the BPD classic "Walking On Eggshells" and distributed it to all other family members. Now, did getting everyone in my family all up to speed on BPD do anything to assist anyone let alone my sister? No. In spite of the best intentions on the part of my family...all it seemed to do was set up this weird dynamic of inequality towards my sister in this "we know what's best for you...we know you better than yourself...we understand what you are doing better than you understand what you are doing..." and in my opinion her behavior became even more combative - not less. And all of this came before the word BPD was ever spoken.
^^This is not uncommon - at all. Families, friends, etc. making their loved one's burdens more difficult to bear in this way. Again, completely unintentionally.
Today, I am once again working as a volunteer counselor/mentor in a state sponsored program for youth in the juvenile corrections system...and from my experience working with a variety of different conditions... get a professional diagnosis first...and then begin your studies alongside the loved one. Prior to that...being a strong individual with a general understanding of the human condition, compassion and healthy boundaries <-that seems to be more helpful in supporting your loved one...and encouraging them to seek out some professional assessment and treatment, etc. than anything you might come across browsing the internet. This is just my advice though. And would be the advice of so many of the people I've met on my journey. Each person will need to make their own decisions though - for themselves.
My sister received her BPD diagnosis maybe 5 years after I noticed it in her... and I can honestly say...learning everything there is/was to know about BPD was completely useless.
*edit: It's also a tricky thing to know what role a friend should take on in another individual's struggle as there are so many varying degrees of closeness, etc. idk. The OP ended her friendship though...so none of this matters anymore.
*edit 2: I was thinking when you say this--->
"We need to support people who are dealing with dysfunctional people." are you suggesting I wasn't supporting AzulEyes? I don't even know what to say...but you don't know what words I have or have not had with her off the forum. Still, the advice I gave her publicly...I'm very comfortable with. And I gave it with her and her friend in mind.