[ISTJ] ISTJ & Marriage

[2XtremeENFP]

When deciding to get married, what does the ISTJ check-list look like?
What could make them unsure of their potential mate?
Will they ever be 100% confident in their choice of partner? (seems like Ne-inferior would get in the way, asking too many improbable 'what-if' questions)
Does it take a long time to make your decision? Seeing as how you are the ultimate planner...

 

[SubjectA]

I imagine sharing the same core values is important.

 

[d@v3]

1)When deciding to get married, what does the ISTJ check-list look like?

2)What could make them unsure of their potential mate?

3)Will they ever be 100% confident in their choice of partner? (seems like Ne-inferior would get in the way, asking too many improbable 'what-if' questions)

4)Does it take a long time to make your decision? Seeing as how you are the ultimate planner...

1) Marriage Checklist?
Probably something like this-
For her:
-Does she have a job?
-Is it a good paying job?
-Permanent or part time?
-Is she able to support herself?
-Is she good with money?
-Does she enjoy my activities/hobbies or at least hearing about them?
-How much debt does she have, if any?
-What is her family like?
-What is her background like?
-Religion?
-Is she mature enough and capable of being a good mother?
-Does she have a sweet/loving personality and is she attractive?
-Is she fun to be with?
-Could I see myself with her in the distant future?

For me:
-Do I have a job to support two people?
-Would my job be able to provide for her needs?
-Am I able to provide adequate safety and security for her at all times?
-Can I provide a home for both of us?
-Do I enjoy being with her?
-Does she understand my humor?
-Does she like my playful banter?
-Do I enjoy her activities or at least hearing about them?
-Am I able to be a good father?
-How much debt do I have?
-Do I appreciate her for who she is, not who I want her to be?
-Do we share the same values?
-Same religion?
-Do our families get along?
-Have I seen her through "all the seasons"?
-In other words, have I dated her for at least one full year and enjoyed it?

I could probably go on but it's a start....

2) Hmm... what would make me unsure?
Her background...
If she had a history of family issues, for instance, if she grew up in a broken home with substance abuse, instability, physical abuse, divorced/separated parents, and if she moved around a lot, that probably would worry me a little. It would especially worry me if she didn't have a good, stable father figure.

3) Will I ever be 100% sure of the person? Yes, I will.

4) A long time? It depends, I would take a minimum of 1 full year (from when we first started dating) to make my decision, but probably not more than 2.

 

[sLiPpY]

What about f* cking?

 

[Saslou]

For me:
-Do I have a job to support two people?
-Would my job be able to provide for her needs?
-Am I able to provide adequate safety and security for her at all times?
-Can I provide a home for both of us?
-Do I enjoy being with her?
-Does she understand my humor?
-Does she like my playful banter?
-Do I enjoy her activities or at least hearing about them?
-Am I able to be a good father?
-How much debt do I have?
-Do I appreciate her for who she is, not who I want her to be?
-Do we share the same values?
-Same religion?
-Do our families get along?
-Have I seen her through "all the seasons"?
-In other words, have I dated her for at least one full year and enjoyed it?

Babe .. Lets throw caution to the wind and just do it .. I am still fertile so i can kick out a kid or two .. What do you say? Say Yes

OK seriously .. Is this a list you have just come up with or have you known all these answers for some time????

 

[nozflubber]

OK seriously .. Is this a list you have just come up with or have you known all these answers for some time????

would either surprise you? He's ISTJ FFS!

 

[d@v3]

Babe .. Lets throw caution to the wind and just do it .. I am still fertile so i can kick out a kid or two .. What do you say? Say Yes

OK seriously .. Is this a list you have just come up with or have you known all these answers for some time????

I don't understand your question.....
Well, I guess I have known them for some time because it is basically what I look for. But I am just now putting them in list form.

would either surprise you? He's ISTJ FFS!

Don't hate.
:rolli:

 

[2XtremeENFP]

So do ISTJs assume that if their partner comes from a broken home/dysfunctional family, that their partner will ultimately carry on in their parents footsteps?

 

[Saslou]

I don't understand your question.....
Well, I guess I have known them for some time because it is basically what I look for. But I am just now putting them in list form.

Don't hate.
:rolli:

Shush .. You love it

I get ya, cool .. What if someone comes along but differs from the list slightly .. Say you practice different religions, but it is still workable, would you walk away or give it a try?? Would you turn someone away because they had some huge debt from being in uni? I suppose what i am asking you is .. Is this list concrete and rigid or is there some room for maneuver??

(i think we have talked about this before)

 

[d@v3]

So do ISTJs assume that if their partner comes from a broken home/dysfunctional family, that their partner will ultimately carry on in their parents footsteps?

No, everyone deserves a chance. I would just be more cautious I guess.

Shush .. You love it

I get ya, cool .. What if someone comes along but differs from the list slightly .. Say you practice different religions, but it is still workable, would you walk away or give it a try?? Would you turn someone away because they had some huge debt from being in uni? I suppose what i am asking you is .. Is this list concrete and rigid or is there some room for maneuver??

(i think we have talked about this before)

The list is flexible except for the religion part.
Even if our moral values differ a little bit, it would make for more interesting conversations.
Debt? I'm not so much worried about it, I just want to know ahead of time before we start paying bills and I find out that there is a $250,000 student loan to pay off! But if that happened, I would probably be like "oh well", and start paying it. Granted, I would be a little upset that she was not upfront about having it.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

No, everyone deserves a chance. I would just be more cautious I guess.

makes sense. When being cautious, are you just watching behavior to see if is passed down? Or do you see what your partner has to say about their family life?

 

[d@v3]

makes sense. When being cautious, are you just watching behavior to see if is passed down? Or do you see what your partner has to say about their family life?

I look at the negative attitude her family has, then I look at her personality and look for similarities... even if they're subtle. But even if I do find similarities, they are not all deal breakers. Let's face it, we are all like our parents in some way,shape or form.

 

[sculpting]

My ISTJ friend has these very strict timelines about which date should have which base attached to it. He also has odd rules and recently had to dump "emo girl" as she had breakdowns once a week.

I had him talked into an emo breakdown once a month-a PMS breakdown at least and he seemed okay with that. I had also talked him a certain number of "I love you"s a week and explained he should schedule physical attention like hugs and stuff on a daily basis-freaked him out a little, but he was doing well. He did comment he couldnt bring himself to spoon all night-it was just too much.

But them emo breakdowns were just too frequent for him...He did good ending it though-he met her, ended it, explained and then held fast and didnt return the drama calls or would firmly explain why he felt it was for the best.

I was proud of him... I think he was dating an EXFP of some sort.

 

[d@v3]

Well, once a week I wouldn't want to deal with. But a PMS girl is something all us straight guys will have to deal with at some point in our life so I don't know how that could have been too frequent for him...

 

[Fidelia]

People certainly deserve chances. However, I can say from very close up that when one person is close to their family which operates relatively healthily and the other person has not resolved their disappointments or the outcomes of growing up with poor role models or dysfunction in their family, it creates huge (tsunami sized) problems.

The insecurities of the person who grew up in bad conditions prevents the other person from spending time with their family because the spouse feels that their affections will be divided. Often the stronger family is not allowed to be involved with and a support to the couple and their children because it reminds the spouse that their own is not there for them in the way they hope. This creates isolation and a lack of perspective. The person who has less obstacles to overcome often ends up shouldering the majority of the responsibility with the least amount of decision making power. To cope with the situation, they also have to change their view of the world so that some of the unhealthy perspectives that are carried over, as well as the insecure behaviour can be declared normal. This in turn changes how the couple deals with their children and how well their children are prepared for adult life.

I believe that a person who has grown up in difficult circumstances most certainly is not sentenced to becoming like their parents, if they are reflective and consciously make other choices. However, because they do not automatically have strong support around them, they need the time to overcome the insecurities that were produced during their growing up years. It takes time to gather people who can act as a surrogate family/source of advice/people to be involved with in addition to their own family. Without that, there is a very great imbalance between the two people getting married, which always causes trouble. They also need time to have put the past to rest and see their parents in a more realistic light - as people who have both good and bad qualities.

I think anyone marrying someone from a dysfunctional background needs enough time with the person in a variety of situations over a period of time to understand how that may affect their lives together day to day and to see to what extent they have dealt with the past.

Often the person who came from more strength has insecurities of their own if they are wanting to be the white knight. I think it is important not to marry someone because you wish to "fix" them, rescue them, because they are less threatening to approach or because you think they will look to you as their saviour. A person who is secure can find happiness in whatever circumstances they find themselves to be in. Many people go into marriage believing that they either will no longer be lonely, or that someone will solve all of their problems. In both cases, they are setting themselves up for huge disappointment!

Sorry for the long post, but I have seen this happen over and over to many of the people close to me (coming from healthy backgrounds or unhealthy ones) and it is heartbreaking for everyone involved. I just wish I could save people some of the pain that touches everyone who is in this situation while they still are in a position to make choices.

 

[bcvcdc]

what is marriage in mbti terms? is it when a person "marries" or brings together the male and female parts of themselves to become whole? i really don't understand what you mean by marriage.

 

[d@v3]

I kind of feel the same way, I've never actually felt like I should date someone to save them, but I have wanted to help people (friends). Once I try my best to help someone though, and they keep doing the same stupid things over again, trying to help them gets old. Sadly, I have seen this happen many a times and as our lovely Fidelia has stated, it ends up a disaster.

To all who think they can change someone while you date them: You can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves!

 

[d@v3]

what is marriage in mbti terms? is it when a person "marries" or brings together the male and female parts of themselves to become whole? i really don't understand what you mean by marriage.

When the ring goes on my finger (and hers) and we say "I do"... then I will consider myself married.

 

[Ozz]

I kind of feel the same way, I've never actually felt like I should date someone to save them, but I have wanted to help people (friends). Once I try my best to help someone though, and they keep doing the same stupid things over again, trying to help them gets old. Sadly, I have seen this happen many a times and as our lovely Fidelia has stated, it ends up a disaster.

To all who think they can change someone while you date them: You can't help someone if they don't want to help themselves!

I had the same experience with trying to help people. I only help when I know they'll respond positively. For others, I restrict myself to only give out advice so that I could have a clear conscience.

Recently through, I wonder if people are not responding to my advice or my offer of help because I am not using the right persuasive techniques.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Recently through, I wonder if people are not responding to my advice or my offer of help because I am not using the right persuasive techniques.

I hear ya on that one... learning more about MBTI, i try and use persuasive techniques based on their personality, ya know.. how can i get X across to an ESFP... how will they understand this consequence...