[ENFJ] ENFJ's and emotional needs?

[Neutralpov]

Just curious as to ways you ENFJ's get your own emotional needs met?

I feel stuck since my closest friends are INFP/INTP and the other is ISFJ. I know they care and have been freinds with both for a period of time.

For me I like conversation, openness, honesty, and mutual effort in close friends but they can be naturally more private, non-emotional. So I try to branch out with my Fe but getting these from the many acquaintances feels kinda funny and empty sometimes, and then you cannot expect your closest friend to meet all of your emotional needs all the time especially when they naturally are different that what you want in some areas (mentioned above and to be specific the ISFJ bakes me stuff...and makes curtains??not my love language but I see what she is up to!)?

What are you solutions to meeting your own emotional needs or how have you resolved this issue in your life? Examples and how you have approached the friends to discuss this? (I think my ISFJ would think I am crazy (S people :steam:...) and she has told me I am overly analytical about this stuff)

 

[Domino]

@ the ISFJ and her curtains and baked goods lol How sweet!

You know, good question. I have no idea how my emotional needs get met. *ponders*

 

[Giggly]

the ISFJ bakes me stuff...and makes curtains??not my love language but I see what she is up to!)?

lol we try.

Find me an F that feels completely emotionally fulfilled and I'll bake her 20 cakes! I'd wager to guess that SFs also feel emotionally unfulfilled, but probably less so than NFs because S replaces more of that need with practical tasks or acts.

 

[Domino]

I remember my sister bringing me a Beauty and the Beast nightlight from the Dollar Tree when I was really sick. It's that sort of little surprise that makes me feel thought of and cared for. When someone "knows" me and can find some little thing - an object or phrase or picture - that reflects me to them. I like seeing myself in others (those I love the most), and having them see themselves in me. By that, I mean that they can see pieces of themselves engraved on me, that they're a part of me now, and vice versa. It means you and I have been assimilated into the greater whole of our friendship. It's not something that can be coerced or forced, it's a magical sort of "click" and is special.

It's like NOT buying red roses for your girlfriend, but getting her a mysterious old book from the back of a curious old book store no one knows about.

 

[runvardh]

For me I like conversation, openness, honesty, and mutual effort in close friends but they can be naturally more private, non-emotional.

Strange, I tried this with an ex and I still got called cold. Hell, I've even tried amping up the visibility of my expressions by ten fold and that didn't even help. There has to be more to these requirements than just that.

 

[Neutralpov]

Fi cold

I can't help but feel like Fi people are cold. they tell me they care, but the lack of expressiveness is like inherent. The internal Fi is literally a "black hole" in that it doesn't escape to me. And when I constantly get blank as a register from them with my Fe feelers that is my conclusion subconsciously no matter what they say.

Also I think us Extroverts put others first and look outward and I see Fi as self-first so it feels like I think more of the friendship than they do even though they tell me it isn't so. My radar picks this up though and having to constantly remind yourself what the person said is reality and that is a lot of work.

 

[runvardh]

I can't help but feel like Fi people are cold. they tell me they care, but the lack of expressiveness is like inherent. The internal Fi is literally a "black hole" in that it doesn't escape to me. And when I constantly get blank as a register from them with my Fe feelers that is my conclusion subconsciously no matter what they say.

Also I think us Extroverts put others first and look outward and I see Fi as self-first so it feels like I think more of the friendship than they do even though they tell me it isn't so. My radar picks this up though and having to constantly remind yourself what the person said is reality and that is a lot of work.

So maybe I am better going TJ then... This is gonna hurt.

 

[Neutralpov]

oh man

Have you found something that works at all? Cause I would like to know. You can't help but liking you INFP's. Seriously they are likely the best match if I can figure out how to get my need for expression, and giving met with one? CAn't infp one that can though.

I want it to work...

 

[Scott N Denver]

Have you found something that works at all? Cause I would like to know. You can't help but liking you INFP's. Seriously they are likely the best match if I can figure out how to get my need for expression, and giving met with one? CAn't infp one that can though.

I want it to work...

I have an ENFJ female friend, she's definitely made comments about "lack of projected warmth [ie smiling and body language stuff]" and "you say things, but they seem so unconvincing". Most of the time were great around each other, but if either of us in a deep funk, things really fall apart. They arent bad or fighting, but they fall apart.

Think of the most god awful painful horrible brutal bad experience you've ever had, now limit your facial expression. Thats one expression of Fi, ie that is how a Fi-dom might feel inside AND how much external expression of it you would see.

 

[Scott N Denver]

I know that, for me, any indication of "I don't believe you" from the ENFJ's part will make me MUCH more guarded and non-expressive. I tried being open and expressive, you incorrectly called "bullshit" on it, if thats how your gonna react I'm not gonna waste my time and effort even trying to "project emotion." If my natural expressions can't convince you, I'm not gonna even put effort into trying to emotionally express something.

Things RARELY come to that though. Most of the time both of us were very open and expressive and "exploratory" of what the other was talking about

 

[Mondo]

Strange, I tried this with an ex and I still got called cold. Hell, I've even tried amping up the visibility of my expressions by ten fold and that didn't even help. There has to be more to these requirements than just that.

For Fe-dominant types, it often depends on the style of the openness.. if it seems like you are only doing it to please them.. they'll know since Fe-dominant types are the "people-pleasing" types of our world.. they know their own tricks. Not that you weren't sincere, but you probably didn't do a great job in convincing her you were..

 

[OrangeAppled]

I can't help but feel like Fi people are cold. they tell me they care, but the lack of expressiveness is like inherent. The internal Fi is literally a "black hole" in that it doesn't escape to me. And when I constantly get blank as a register from them with my Fe feelers that is my conclusion subconsciously no matter what they say.

Also I think us Extroverts put others first and look outward and I see Fi as self-first so it feels like I think more of the friendship than they do even though they tell me it isn't so. My radar picks this up though and having to constantly remind yourself what the person said is reality and that is a lot of work.

The expressiveness has to be learned, yes. I actually credit an ENFJ friend of mine for unlocking the complimentary side of me, just by leading by example. I think all kinds of wonderful, fuzzy, warm thoughts about people, but I can forget to verbalize them and let them know. It's a part of being so caught-up in your own head. I admit, I feel a vulnerability in giving verbal praise, but I remind myself that it's not about me, but about making other people feel good. However, my feelings for loved ones runs very deep. I think it is most expressed through my loyalty and support, expressed in my actions. INFPs can be very emotional and open if they feel safe too, and part of that is feeling they are in a judge-free environment.

As for putting other first, arguably, introverts may feel that Es actually impose their group will in Is, and that Is are more considerate of individual desires. It's really just a matter of perspective.

One thing ENFJs could do more to have their emotional needs met is to open up more about themselves. ENFJs are good at making other people feel good and finding out all about them, but they can hold back their inner self. As an INFP, I am best at meeting the needs of people when they open up to me. INFPs are known for having people confide in them and being good listeners and offering a lot of insight and advice, but I swear you ENFJs can be hard nuts. I can prod my ENFJ friends and they just brush everything off with a joke.... On occasion one will dig deeper into their head and pull something out to share, and that's when our bond strengthens and I can bust out my skills.

 

[Scott N Denver]

One thing ENFJs could do more to have their emotional needs met is to open up more about themselves. ENFJs are good at making other people feel good and finding out all about them, but they can hold back their inner self. As an INFP, I am best at meeting the needs of people when they open up to me. INFPs are known for having people confide in them and being good listeners and offering a lot of insight and advice, but I swear you ENFJs can be hard nuts. I can prod my ENFJ friends and they just brush everything off with a joke.... On occasion one will dig deeper into their head and pull something out to share, and that's when our bond strengthens and I can bust out my skills.

"I don't want to talk about it"
"I don't want to depress you"
"I don't want to bring others down"
"I don't feel comfortable talking about this right now"
"I'm SO over that, I don't want to talk about it."

IME ENFJ's are the MASTERS of being not-open. All of the above CAN be legitimate and true statements [2 and 3 still seem kind aiffy to me though], but usually its the feeling that its hiding behind politeness instead of being honest. We INFP's are tough, and insightful, but when you don't let us in, we can't do much for you.

 

[the state i am in]

i've never had any trouble communicating deeply with infps. i get a sense of their values very strongly, and the moments when you really mine each other seem very easy to come by. they know when you are sharing pieces of yourself, the classic nfj self-disclosure. i trust them bc light slips out from underneath the cracks in which i can see who they really are.

yes 4 type infps are more self-absorbed, but have their merits too. i'm a 4 wing, and while i've been more long-term close with 9w1s, the 4w5s i've met have changed my life.

i think part of the problem is that, additionally, we Fe intuitive types tend to expect and rely on others to pump us up and give us clean pure F energy for when we are down. when F is not the only way to get back on track, recognize the value and importance of what you do, who you are, and where you are going, etc. we have to create environmental structures that can regenerate us and in which we can recuperate. this is in our s.o. relationship, but not entirely. a big part of it is up to us. i forget music, and i feel the color slowly leak out of life. yoga helps restore balance and let go of negative energies that start to poison my Ni- stop fixating, and see the whole. there are a million and one things in every little corner that, when open, light us up, that we can connect with, that are potentially full of Fe enthusiasm for us to discover between ourselves and others. so many bright and shining faces. we tend to get so hyperbolic and all-or-nothing. this is a lesson from Fi types we can use. recognizing more shades of warmth and working them in more skillfully.

 

[the state i am in]

one other thing- a lot of the time, the reason i feel like i am not getting what i need emotionally is that i start closing off. this usually happens when i lose faith and start thinking negative thoughts. i stop believing that anyone around me can really connect with me on my level anyway.

this is usually wrong. expecting someone to grasp the whole of you all at once is not necessarily the only answer. it is the most romantic, but we owe it to ourselves to do the best we can with what we've got in front of us.

 

[Neutralpov]

[QUOTE
One thing ENFJs could do more to have their emotional needs met is to open up more about themselves. ENFJs are good at making other people feel good and finding out all about them, but they can hold back their inner self. As an INFP, I am best at meeting the needs of people when they open up to me. INFPs are known for having people confide in them and being good listeners and offering a lot of insight and advice, but I swear you ENFJs can be hard nuts. I can prod my ENFJ friends and they just brush everything off with a joke.... On occasion one will dig deeper into their head and pull something out to share, and that's when our bond strengthens and I can bust out my skills.[/QUOTE]

Yeah but this is exactly what wasn't enough. Just listening and then forgetting to call and initiate..initiate anything...and then I noticed INFP's or this one is reflexive to a stressed phone caller and she will get up to talk with the person needing help.

And I just kinda realized I am just one more distressed person and I can share my inner self with her and like one other person period and she can't even take initiate, have A facial expression, or verbal appreciation. SO I stopped calling and she fell off the face of the planet...way to go INFP's. Share my inner self and all I got was this....

 

[OrangeAppled]

Yeah but this is exactly what wasn't enough. Just listening and then forgetting to call and initiate..initiate anything...and then I noticed INFP's or this one is reflexive to a stressed phone caller and she will get up to talk with the person needing help.

And I just kinda realized I am just one more distressed person and I can share my inner self with her and like one other person period and she can't even take initiate, have A facial expression, or verbal appreciation. SO I stopped calling and she fell off the face of the planet...way to go INFP's. Share my inner self and all I got was this....

Okay, I see, this is about initiating and making effort to maintain a relationship. Well, I'm guilty of sucking at that . I hear a lot of complaints of how INFPs fall off the face of the earth if you don't contact them.
I've heard other INFPs say that when they've unintentionally isolated themselves from their friends and family (by falling into a la-la land time warp), they start to feel like they are the ones who've been abandoned. It makes no sense at all, but I can feel the same way, for reasons I could write another paragraph on (but won't). Our perspective might be distorted on that, and the only fix I can think of is to reassure us you really want us to call, and to give positive reinforcement when we do. Alternate forms of communication can work better: email, text, etc.

I don't know this individual and if she had a lot of people dumping their problems on her or what, but the only time I've gotten annoyed with a friend who did this was because she always vented to me, but had little interest in my life. A mutual support is nice, I don't want to be someone's therapist. That said, I was still always there for her without complaint, because that's just how I am.

I suppose this INFP you dealt with was just very withdrawn. Even though INFPs may need to learn to be outwardly expressive, we are usually compassionate and caring enough to make that effort with those we greatly value.

 

[Scott N Denver]

Just curious as to ways you ENFJ's get your own emotional needs met?

I feel stuck since my closest friends are INFP/INTP and the other is ISFJ. I know they care and have been freinds with both for a period of time.

For me I like conversation, openness, honesty, and mutual effort in close friends but they can be naturally more private, non-emotional. So I try to branch out with my Fe but getting these from the many acquaintances feels kinda funny and empty sometimes, and then you cannot expect your closest friend to meet all of your emotional needs all the time especially when they naturally are different that what you want in some areas (mentioned above and to be specific the ISFJ bakes me stuff...and makes curtains??not my love language but I see what she is up to!)?

What are you solutions to meeting your own emotional needs or how have you resolved this issue in your life? Examples and how you have approached the friends to discuss this? (I think my ISFJ would think I am crazy (S people :steam:...) and she has told me I am overly analytical about this stuff)

My first guess at best advice here: find people who are EF, and/or FJ.

 

[Scott N Denver]

I can't help but feel like Fi people are cold. they tell me they care, but the lack of expressiveness is like inherent. The internal Fi is literally a "black hole" in that it doesn't escape to me. And when I constantly get blank as a register from them with my Fe feelers that is my conclusion subconsciously no matter what they say.

Also I think us Extroverts put others first and look outward and I see Fi as self-first so it feels like I think more of the friendship than they do even though they tell me it isn't so. My radar picks this up though and having to constantly remind yourself what the person said is reality and that is a lot of work.

Fi as a function generally doesn't feel any need to "sunny up someone's day". Nonetheless, personally I do do that. Maybe its more of an Fi+Ne, or maybe its not type related?

Your best bet to "see Fi in action" is to watch an Fi-dom extending to compassion to someone/something that usually doesn't receive such treatment. Comments I've heard about "Fi putting Fe to shame" usually seem to stem from those kind of circumstances. Second best bet of detecting the presence of Fi: I think Fi often tends to be very thoughtful and personal. My ENFJ friend was constantly pointing out how thoughtful I am, and sometimes how she felt "like a fake" [not her words, but best thats coming to me right now] by relative comparison. Perhaps if Fi person just met you they don't know enough about you to know what thoughtful things you'd appreciate.

 

[Scott N Denver]

Have you found something that works at all? Cause I would like to know. You can't help but liking you INFP's. Seriously they are likely the best match if I can figure out how to get my need for expression, and giving met with one? CAn't infp one that can though.

I want it to work...

Those INFP's are out there. EJ and IP are pretty different ways of coming at the world. Be careful of your desire for someone to be demonstrative and declare "this is how its gonna be", thats a TOTALLY EJ perspective. IP just kinda hangs out until it finds the right moment to do something, or something about that moment compels something, and then responds based upon the details of that moment. It can be very heart-warming!
Also, I know that for me, when someone EXPECTS something I often get delivery anxiety, whereas if i was relaxed I'd just naturally and spontaneously do something. So learn to gently nudge and direct, but don't force or overdo. We INFP's tend to respond well to gentle nudging, ESPECIALLY when we really like you. Also, be very clear in pointing out your needs, preferably with explanation and examples. Point out how something is helpful for you, point out cases where we succeeded in meeting your needs and why, and do NOT justify something by saying "everyone knows THIS is how it is done" or "society EXPECTS this", we don't like stuff like that! But point out why its important to you, that you appreciate when we put forth that extra effort, and how much it means to you, and you SHOULD have us bait line and sinker. :rolli: We really aim to please/nurture, and by doing those you let us know exactly how to get there, without any of that "societal expectation" stuff we so dislike.