[SJ] What do SJ's look for in a partner? Crush? You get the drift --

[CzeCze]

Hello folks! So I posted once on 'how to make an ISFP fall in love with me' and well, not only were there not a lot of replies -- that whole venture did NOT WORK OUT. (P.S. when an ISFP tells you 'he's through', he means it! Hahaha...)

And now I am on to the ever respected and sometimes misunderstood SJ's!

So 'Guardians' of the MBTI -- please let the opinions and thoughts roll on this one --What do you look for in a significant other? How to decide when to step it up from casual dating to something else? Are you always scanning for 'the one' or a long term relationship, or do you just play them as they come and enter into casual relationships just as easily as say, an NF? Do you take the lead or do you wait for the other person to indicate they want to make the relationship more serious? If the other person is very forward talks pretty candidly about your 'relationship' is that a turn-off? Are you commitment/family/long-term focused or can you do 'fun and games' and casual dating pretty well?

And this is all assuming that you both are attracted to each other and like each other of course.

Even if you two had great chemistry, are there any deal-breakers?

Yes, lots of questions but all pointing to the basic question: What is your criteria for determing if someone is 'longterm' material and how do you get there?
Thanks in advance! Aside from personal gain I'm very curious to hear all the responses!

 

[JivinJeffJones]

Are you always scanning for 'the one' or a long term relationship, or do you just play them as they come and enter into casual relationships just as easily as say, an NF?

Speak for yourself, ENFP!

As to the rest, I have no significant contribution, apart from bumping this thread back to the top. I don't know many SJs well, but that isn't going to prevent me from avoiding making specific generalizations about them.

 

[Recoleta]

Well, I guess I'll take a swing at these...

What do you look for in a significant other?
This will vary from person to person, but someone who holds the same core values as me, is witty and can take sarcasm (understands my humor...which is a rare find), is reliable and trustworthy. Someone that challenges me as a person and in the way I perceive the world (gives me an alternate perspective). I don't want someone who shows effusive warmth and wants to cuddle all the time b/c I'd feel smothered by that, and I have no need to talk on the phone every couple of hours just to check up. Oh, and if my SO wants to have an entire conversation with me via text message I will want to throw the phone at his head.

How to decide when to step it up from casual dating to something else?
Ummm I don't know. I usually wait for the other person to decide that. I rarely speak up about my feelings.

Are you always scanning for 'the one' or a long term relationship, or do you just play them as they come and enter into casual relationships just as easily as say, an NF?
Yeah, I am much more of a long term person. Casual relationships seem pointless to me. I see no point in getting emotionally or physically attached if you know the relationship is not gonna go anywhere. It seems to me that a lot of girls have trouble being "just friends" with guys. I, on the other hand, really have no problem keeping them as friends and at arm's length. When I date someone I am usually good friends with them first. I am difficult to get to know, so you have to spend time with me before you really see who I am.

Do you take the lead or do you wait for the other person to indicate they want to make the relationship more serious?
I would love to sit back and let the other person make the first move. I feel that I am already naturally direct with people -- If I like you, I spend time with you. If I don't like you, I clam up, don't speak, or avoid you like a plague. However, others are not so easy to read. In my mind, they have a good idea how I feel about them, but often I am clueless as to what they are thinking. Therefore, they can decide.

If the other person is very forward talks pretty candidly about your 'relationship' is that a turn-off?
It's not a turn-off unless they are getting too serious too fast. I like openness and honesty so I probably wouldn't mind.

Are you commitment/family/long-term focused or can you do 'fun and games' and casual dating pretty well?
Ummm I'd say I'm more committment oriented. I can only do "fun and games" for so long. I like depth to my relationships.

Even if you two had great chemistry, are there any deal-breakers?
Cheating = 100% instant deal breaker. If you cheat on me I will lose any and all respect for you. Mutual respect, trust, and honesty are very important to me. Once you have cheated, all 3 of those have been broken. I may eventually forgive you, but there will be no second chance with me. I respect myself more than that.

 

[hotmale]

And this is all assuming that you both are attracted to each other and like each other of course.



Good questions Cze Cze, I'm not sure everyone would answer so honestly!

What do you look for in a significant other? How to decide when to step it up from casual dating to something else? Are you always scanning for 'the one' or a long term relationship, or do you just play them as they come and enter into casual relationships just as easily as say, an NF? Do you take the lead or do you wait for the other person to indicate they want to make the relationship more serious? If the other person is very forward talks pretty candidly about your 'relationship' is that a turn-off?

To be perfectly brutally honest- back when I was a womanizer, I would immediately know from first meeting if she was going to be short-term or long-term. Usually long term is someone I can see myself being committed to- a woman who is confident, has the same values and goals, and a list of personality traits that I find compatible with what I want. Short-term is someone fun, but whom I can't see myself committed to, but we can be in an exclusive relationship for the time being. Usually I find if the woman is extremely unintelligent, then I can't see myself with her in the long run. If she's petty and negative, same thing. I like emotionally generous women who are kind, affectionate, outspoken and diplomatic. Also, she should be very involved in my career, as I should be in hers. We should not be competitors but team players.

Even if you two had great chemistry, are there any deal-breakers?

Most definitely. Women who are passive-aggressive turn me off. I don't want to deal with women who play head-games instead of communicating with you honestly about what they want. I like straightforward women who are confident in what they are saying, and not those women who make you play guessing games as to why they're unhappy and don't want you to talk to anyone except them. To me, insecurity is a turn off, in addition to having no backbone and merely go with popular opinion, even if they don't believe in it. Control-freakish behavior is also something I can't tolerate, especially if she is the type who can't handle you talking to any other woman except for her. I see no long term commitments with that sort of woman.

Are you commitment/family/long-term focused or can you do 'fun and games' and casual dating pretty well?

The woman who can do both is always on my list of commitments. However, I rarely bother with just fun and games, and the thought of one-night stands turn me off as I have nothing to prove. I pretty much know what I want in a woman. My sexuality isn't in question here.

 

[girlnamedbless]

What do you look for in a significant other?
I only look for two things: chemistry and trust. If you have both of these, then the relationship will work.

How to decide when to step it up from casual dating to something else?
I don't. I believe that relationships just sort of happen. I mean, there comes a point in a friendship where both people just sort of know they are together. Labeling yourself "boyfriend/girlfriend" too early in the relationship will sort of kill it. A "boyfriend" is expected to call me every night (huge turn off!) and expected to say "I love you" at some point in the relationship, right? Just because we are "in a relationship." But how would I know that he actually honestly does love me? Therefore, I don't believe in labels or even really dating. I believe more that friendships grow into relationships, naturally.

Are you always scanning for 'the one' or a long term relationship, or do you just play them as they come and enter into casual relationships just as easily as say, an NF?
Wait, wait -- an NF being casual? Are you serious? ALL of the NFs I know jump into relationships WAY too fast and believe they're in love after just a couple weeks.
But anyway, yes, I definitely believe in the whole long-term idea. If something isn't going to work out, then I would rather just end the relationship. I honestly don't see the point in being casual. There's no point in "dating" a few people at once. I NEVER understood that concept.

Do you take the lead or do you wait for the other person to indicate they want to make the relationship more serious?
According to my theory, the whole process should be mutual. Both people just sort of "know" that they're going to be together, and finally one of them has to speak out, but he knows the other will agree. Like I mentioned before, being "boyfriend/girlfriend" too early usually won't work out.

If the other person is very forward talks pretty candidly about your 'relationship' is that a turn-off?
YES!! Nobody else seems to understand this. I hate talking about where the relationship is going, but only because you can't promise someone you will be with them forever.

Are you commitment/family/long-term focused or can you do 'fun and games' and casual dating pretty well?
I'm more long-term focused, but that doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun. I just don't have fun with five guys in one time period.

Even if you two had great chemistry, are there any deal-breakers?
Yeah.. and that's a lack of trust. Relationships aren't anything without trust. Cheating, lying about huge things, etc. are definitely deal-breakers.

What is your criteria for determining if someone is 'longterm' material and how do you get there?
Like I said earlier, the only two things I look for is trust in chemistry. I'll explain these in further detail...
Chemistry: A huge, huge factor. If you don't feel chemistry with someone, then the relationship is not going to work. Chemistry INCLUDES attraction to someone. People that say that they only judge based on personality are liars. You have to be somewhat attracted to the person. BUT: attraction doesn't include JUST looks. Personality can make a guy extremely attractive. For example, take the quarterback of the football team-- muscles all toned, tall, dark, and handsome. Sure, there may be initial attraction for me. But if he's going to be a jerk, then ALL of the attraction fades. Now, let's look at this in the opposite case: someone not so attractive and not many people pay attention to him. I see him and feel no initial attraction. But, if I get to know him and find out that his personality is amazing, then I will probably think he's the most good-looking guy on the planet.
Also, if you have chemistry with someone, you're able to talk to them with no awkwardness or pauses. A person that I feel chemistry with will know to give me the independence and time alone that I desire. Chemistry is just something I can feel from the start-- kind of like a crush that never dies. However, this chemistry has to last.. otherwise there isn't a point. Many things can kill it, including the guy coming on too strong, or too soon.
Trust: This one is pretty self-explanatory. If both of you trust each other, then obviously the biggest factors in a relationship will be eliminated: cheating, jealously, etc. Honestly is truly the best policy.

 

[Luke]

Chemistry: A huge, huge factor. If you don't feel chemistry with someone, then the relationship is not going to work. Chemistry INCLUDES attraction to someone. People that say that they only judge based on personality are liars. You have to be somewhat attracted to the person. BUT: attraction doesn't include JUST looks. Personality can make a guy extremely attractive. For example, take the quarterback of the football team-- muscles all toned, tall, dark, and handsome. Sure, there may be initial attraction for me. But if he's going to be a jerk, then ALL of the attraction fades. Now, let's look at this in the opposite case: someone not so attractive and not many people pay attention to him. I see him and feel no initial attraction. But, if I get to know him and find out that his personality is amazing, then I will probably think he's the most good-looking guy on the planet.
Also, if you have chemistry with someone, you're able to talk to them with no awkwardness or pauses. A person that I feel chemistry with will know to give me the independence and time alone that I desire. Chemistry is just something I can feel from the start-- kind of like a crush that never dies. However, this chemistry has to last.. otherwise there isn't a point. Many things can kill it, including the guy coming on too strong, or too soon.

Have you ever been with an INTP by any chance? A lot of this sounds like stuff my ESFJ girlfriend might say. I have this theory (ok it's an old theory not original to me) that types with all letters different are best suited for each other. Their preferred traits are the same, but such that each one's weaker traits correspond to the other's stronger ones.

Example #1
INTP: Ti Ne Si Fe
ESFJ: Fe Si Ne Ti

Example #2
ENFP: Ne Fi Te Si
ISTJ: Si Te Fi Ne

The 4th trait is one you have the least confidence in, and thus don't mind having someone guide you through each step. The 1st tends to take over, and thus doesn't mind having to guide someone each step of the way. The 3rd is kind of finicky, wanting help sometimes but not others. The 2nd is flexible, and tries to help only "as needed". So while you might have a positive relationship with someone different on only the last three letters (INTP-ISFJ, ENTP-ESFJ, etc.) you will tend to over- or under-estimate each other's need for help in an area you are confident in.

If the last letter is the same, then the middle two being different can be a bad thing... it means they prefer functions that your own psyche associates with unease and guilt. For example, ENTJ-ESFJ is not (supposedly) a good match. INTJ-ESFJ is similarly bad, and may actually be worse because the tertiary-shadow is emphasized.

Because of this, and because most people have a hard time getting the J/P letter right, I don't recommend choosing a relationship based solely on supposed type. Instead, I think it's best to look for an opposite-letter type, but not jump in until you're pretty darned sure their fourth letter is opposite, based on your own comfort level when interacting with them over the long run. Basic rule of thumb: if they make you uncomfortable, GET OUT.