5-12-2006:
I'm so worried now. Life is creeping up on me. Soon, I'll be out of college, and into the workplace. I'm at a loss for motivation. Everything thing I see, hear, touch, feel within myself, and think tells me that this world, Corporate America, is not the place for me. I mean, just going to a popular website like forbes.com, or making an attempt to bring myself up-to-date with technology, and the trends in the world just exhausts me. I'm not exhausted in the sense that the act of going around and gathering information is tiring, but in the sense that seeing what is going on out there, in the real world, and seeing what I'm in for is like a silent inner death. I don't have the strength to move forward, I don't have the ambition, I don't have any drive, and I really would prefer not to. I am oh so overtly kicking myself in the ass for putting on my shoulder as much debt as I have. How stupid I've been. I have a brain, but I have not been using it. I had a brain when I started college, but at that point I was so much worse than I am now, that I set it to run on auto-pilot. Talk about the choices you make in life coming back to eat you away.
I'm sullen about people. Just looking around, they get me so down. WTF? Like, I'm talking about women. Beautiful women. I watch them walk around, and on their faces are such plastic smiles. They are reaching out, and one of their pings for help get to me everytime I look at them. I see so much sadness, so much loneliness, so much of a disgust for the world they live in. And yet they carry-on, wasting away with each additional step they take through life. I don't know what I feel, but I want to say its pity. I don't know what to do. I want to go over and comfort them, but surely I'll just add to the hell of their life. I want to make a motion to yell at them, to tell them to stop killing themselves, but as I have no solution for myself, my yelling will surely disconnect them more from something meaningful, and sink them further into that seemingly inescapable duldrum of an existance. I don't know what to do. I don't have reason to show that I care. I'm in such a shitty state right now. God.
I worry. I worry about alot. I'm screwing up. I've screwed up alot. I'm worried about being introverted. I'm worried SO VERY MUCH about being introverted. I wish it would go away. I wish I could develop better social skills. I wish I could have a more maintainable energy level, and an interest in dealing with people. I wish I could be around a lot of people without collapsing into myself. I wish three IM windows on AIM while doing homework didn't PHYSICALLY exhaust me. I envy extroverts. I hate extraverts. They annoy me, but I wish so eagerly to have their base. All these people I keep offending by being me makes me hate myself. I shoot down insecures, those with weak hearts, those who really want to know me, those who need everyone to be polite, those who want attention, those who love me, those who envy me, those who want to learn from me, those who want to be around me, those who care, those who want to care, those who want to be with me, those who admire me, those who'd ALWAYS look out for me, and now, I'm at arms with the world. They all hate me, because of my attitude. What is wrong with me? I can't even go outside now, without being a nuisance.. why? Because my face exudes the "vibe" of someone who's stuck-up, or someone who's a prick, or someone who will willingly make you uneasy. So clear to me that I don't know what to do. And shit, no one knows how to help me, I've gotten here by running away from pity, I'm staying here because I'm afraid to go back to reality, and here, where I am, is as lost as I see it clear that I'm meant to be.
I think I'm no different from those beautiful women I see, who walk around with their lives having no meaning. I carry deep in my heart a burden, and what's weighting me down, though I can talk about it, is completely unclear to me. I'm hoping for a better life, I'm hoping for better days, I'm hoping for an awakening, a revitalizing stroke from the heavens.. maybe I need religion. No, maybe I need religion more. I've never been afraid to talk about my belief in God. I've never been afraid to say that I believe in God, but will all my silence, I think I have forgotten that I do think he's out there, somewhere, watching. In all this redundant, trivial bullshit, I think I've lost the look of a righteous man. I need to find wholeness again.
My emotions are NOT non-existant, though they don't drive me, or maintain a dominant role in my "psyche," but there are there. We are all humans, aren't we? But now, I feel like a fool, because I don't know how to deal with all this shit. I never bothered to pay my feelings any attention. Throughout these years they have gone unparented, unchecked, unguided, unorganized, and unneeded. I neglected them just like I did everything else. And now all I can do is mentally shake, like I'm having a seizure, or gasp for air, manically, like I'm going into shock, from drowning. I want to kick my ass.
I've never had much to write about, and as I'm writing now, its just to write.. in my head its unclear what I'm saying, or what I'm thinking, or what I'm realizing, but I figure writing is the medium at my fingertips, at this point.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?
I don't go to class.
I'm failing school.
I don't go to church.
I don't maintain relationships with my family.
I don't even fucking shower, unless I'm going outside.. which now is rare.
I don't think.
I don't program.
I don't do ANYTHING, but somehow I'm ALWAYS tired.
I don't eat well.
I don't act politely around people.
I don't meet any deadlines.
I'm so disgusted. Everything I've judged and rebuked in other people.. every thing that has repulsed me about other people.. EVERYTHING... is coming together, and targetting itself at me, in one small instant.
I should be so stupid.