[INFJ] INFJ: the one that got away?

[Sniffles]

You're not alone lorkan, I keep kicking myself to this day over my shitty treatment for the one girl who ever loved me. I was only 16 at the time, and this was unusual territory for me. For one thing, I did have another girl on my mind - which complicated matters more. Plus she freaked me out when she seem obsessive about being with me all the time.

I was fond of her, but not deeply in love with her. So I kinda panicked under the circumstances.

I can only hope she's forgiven me for the way I acted.

 

[Tiltyred]

Good thread, Penelope! It certainly resonates with me. It's been a theme in my life as well.

Sanveane said

I have thought about what part I might play in this dynamic too. imo INFJ can be very accepting of others in a relationship, however they want to be is just fine by me. I can't bring myself to demand things that others don't want to give freely. I think unless the person you are with is very conscientious that can foster a certain kind of dynamic. There is such a thing as being too non-demanding. ...

This is really good. For me, it's been that I don't want to have to set the limits on someone else's behavior. I want someone who can set his own limits. I want someone who has his own standards. If I keep having to set limits, it means to me that I have someone who has no limits -- he will do whatever he thinks he can get away with. I have been in "relationships" where I realized too late for my own sake that I was with someone who would just go till you stop them, and in one, I actually removed myself emotionally from it and let him think I didn't see while I watched him again and again delight in getting away with stuff, just to see how far he would go. About six months after I finally had seen enough and broke up with him, he called me and asked me out, and again, i went just out of curiousity, and I said what did you think would come of this? and he said he thought I'd get over it and we would go on as before. I was like, are you out of your mind?? but I realized if you don't speak up, they never know ... we're like Carson McCuller's Clock With No Hands sometimes. Impossible to read, and because we don't say anything, they think we don't see.

On the other hand ...

It's kind of like fishing -- you have to keep some tension in the line or it just all falls apart. And it's true, sometimes we're too passive, or appear to be, and our partner loses interest or loses respect for us, I think. Or, yeah, goes for someone more flashy, that's certainly happened to me. Again, if I have to be flashy to get your attention, I don't want it.

But yeah, they always come back. Or they write after a couple of years and say they wished they'd done better or they wished they'd known what they had.

 

[karenk]

Or, yeah, goes for someone more flashy, that's certainly happened to me. Again, if I have to be flashy to get your attention, I don't want it.

I relate to this too.

 

[Lady_X]

My ENFP sister's INFJ bf walked out on her. And I spent 2 1/2 years wanting to wring his neck every time I heard my sister crying. I have zero understanding for jackasses, particularly badly-behaved INFJs because I know what they're thinking and I know "where they live".

INFJs, on the whole, are lovely people. But I hate them with perhaps 20 times more contempt than other types when they're out for themselves. They're the worst kind of mercenaries because you can't punch Jesus in the arm, now can you. NO.

Having said that, I wish for my sister to marry Marty McFly. Having an INFJ BIL would rock my socks.

And from what I hear from my INFP friends, they get ditched for "whiz bang" a lot too.

Bottom line: If he/she wants to leave, they'll leave. You're mysterious/too opaque. You're smart/too bookish. You're tall/an Amazon. You smell like lavender sugar kittens rolled in sexy/stop trying to control me!!one!1!!1one!!1

aww...pink i got mad love for you girl! you are so funny!

 

[quietmusician]

I recently got asked out by an INFJ girl, then I turned her down (we talk online). I am in no position for a real relationship right now because of my 'me' issues. I am flattered, but the thought of committing when my heart isn't in it 100%? I don't think that would be fair for her. I'd rather her not experience the pain of me not fitting her needs in some way. I just couldn't do that to someone, especially a possible partner. So, I still regret the fact that I turned her down. For the past few weeks I have been thinking about what she was offering me and I guess I blew it. In the end I know what's best for the both of us. And yes I see her as the one who got away.

 

[violaine]

This is really good. For me, it's been that I don't want to have to set the limits on someone else's behavior. I want someone who can set his own limits. I want someone who has his own standards. If I keep having to set limits, it means to me that I have someone who has no limits -- he will do whatever he thinks he can get away with.

Exactly! I refuse to expend energy 'parenting' someone.... I shouldn't have to teach a person how to treat another person well. Lol, I particularly hate when people mistake kindness for weakness. It's really hard for me to respect someone like that. Plus there are too many other things in life to be interested in to have to keep stopping to check in on your partner. That's not to say I cut and run. I do let someone know what I need but if they keep acting like they need me to 'police' them I will tend to want out.

 

[iwakar]

I can relate to so much in this thread from the INFJs I hardly know where to start, so I'll include snippets from my life that seem pertinent.

I once had a guy (who was infatuated with me for YEARS) tattoo my initials on his arm in the hope that I'd date/marry him. Thankfully, his brother later told me that he had a cover-up done. (Whew.)

I had another guy obsessed with me break into my house while I was at school (and my little brother was home sick) so he could rummage for souvenirs in my underwear drawer. sigh: ) My brother called the police who then stormed the house and yelled at him to freeze before they figured out he wasn't the burglar. (They never did catch the punk because my brother only saw the back of his head as he bolted down the street.) My father had all the locks changed and was a paranoid mess for awhile. My little brother still tells that story.

I've been contacted more than once, up to years later, by men from my past professing regret, love, and remorse via e-mail, telephone, or letter. The first time it happened, I felt a great deal of empathy and compassion for them. The second and third time it happened, I was in shock. The few times after that just left me confused and angry, and trying to connect the dots between my behavior in the relationship to its failure to their years-long regret. (I'm actually glad to know this is not a "me" trend, so much as a type trend.)

I've gotten several lines on repeat: "You're the best I ever had." "You're too good for me." "Losing you was the biggest mistake I ever made." "I'll never find anyone else like you." or "I never told you, but I was in love with you for the longest time." Etc. etc. I'm not sure how I feel about all that other than sad for them because it seemed sincere, but did not change my feelings.
I think it has been said many times before, but I'll say it again for emphasis --once an INFJ has decided they are done with you, you have entered a void from which there is virtually no chance of return. I think other types, particularly the ExxPs we gravitate towards do not relate to or comprehend the finality of this proclamation until the moment of truth has passed. (Rabbit trail: Perhaps our ability to yank up the drawbridge permanently comes as a surprise to others because of our ability to give so much for so long before retracting that they don't think we're capable? I'm not sure about this. Another possibility is that we vaporize bridges rather than carpet bomb them, so without the flash and whizz bang! that E types are capable of, the process isn't recognized or respected?)

While I think romantic/tragic circumstances can occur to anyone, I'd say that it's arguable INFJs are the epitomal "one that got away." I also think that INFPs often go unappreciated as well. I also think that the exhilaration of dating ENFx types can produce the same euphoria then subsequent regret if it fails.

As for Kestrel's remark, in general I think ALL INFJs are "too much, too fast" for every other type --most of 'em just end up loving the rollercoaster anyway, even if it turns out they're not big enough to ride yet. For good or ill, we dominate the "relationship intensity" department, if there is such a one. This can result in a variety of reactions from others ranging from thrilling to terrifying to unfathomable, the latter explaining some of the confusion and incredulity from other types in this thread.

 

[Synarch]

Some of the above sounds like a failure to maintain boundaries; to be too welcoming to potentially unhealthy individuals. I have noticed that INFJ sometimes find it difficult to cut out completely anyone they sympathize with, even if it is best for both parties and if the other party is a net negative influence.

 

[Kestrel]

(Rabbit trail: Perhaps our ability to yank up the drawbridge permanently comes as a surprise to others because of our ability to give so much for so long before retracting that they don't think we're capable? I'm not sure about this. Another possibility is that we vaporize bridges rather than carpet bomb them, so without the flash and whizz bang! that E types are capable of, the process isn't recognized or respected?)

I'm not sure if this has been emphasized yet. But this is a really excruciating process. I really *wish* I could just casually raise the drawbridge. Like if there was a magic "I don't care about the other person anymore" button, I think most INFJs would totally press it. But it's not that easy. It takes a while to get to the point of being completely done with someone else. I think because it's such a slow and painful process, that the chances of it repeating itself becomes close to zero.

Exactly! I refuse to expend energy 'parenting' someone.... I shouldn't have to teach a person how to treat another person well. Lol, I particularly hate when people mistake kindness for weakness. It's really hard for me to respect someone like that. Plus there are too many other things in life to be interested in to have to keep stopping to check in on your partner. That's not to say I cut and run. I do let someone know what I need but if they keep acting like they need me to 'police' them I will tend to want out.

This gets on my nerves too. When I get the sense that someone is doing this, the "flow of kindness" slows down to a trickle. It feels like the other person stops seeing my intentions and ultimately stops seeing me at all. In order to be appreciated, I need the other person to see that I don't do things for reasons like guilt, obligation, fear.. but because I actually, authentically like giving. How hard is this to understand?

 

[penelope]

Hooray INFJs! I'm so glad you guys are coming around. It really further proves that only INFJs get other INFJs... whew.

 

[karenk]

....

This was a great post. People often mistake kindness for weakness and when a moment comes they see it's not true they seem unable to grasp the concept and perpetually confused.

Also, our type is the most intense in relationships and this often makes our type misconstrued imo.

I'm not sure if this has been emphasized yet. But this is a really excruciating process. I really *wish* I could just casually raise the drawbridge.

I read in a description online that the process of withdrawing for an INFJ can leave scars. (Accurate description imo.) At the same time we're able to truly move on despite this effect created from the process. Yea, we're complex. lol

I didn't really add anything new to this thread. Just saying I relate to what's been said.

 

[Lady_X]

really? the most intense? interesting...can you elaborate on that?

 

[Synarch]

really? the most intense? interesting...can you elaborate on that?

Speaking from my own experience, INFJ seem to have more depth of feeling, not necessarily more feeling.

 

[Lady_X]

aww...sweet lil creatures.

and i think nf's in general can be that way but just express it differently maybe...interesting though i wish i could read more about it.

 

[Wyst]

Speaking from my own experience, INFJ seem to have more depth of feeling, not necessarily more feeling.

I think Synbo has a point. In general we have a deep capacity for feeling - but we don't necessarily tap into it or be heed to it.

On the other hand we can make extremely rash decisions because of our depth of feeling (which can be quite self-centered) and is ironic since we're perceived to be so concientious of other's feelings.

I, have made some rash decisions where based on my depth of feeling (self-centeredly) I pulled away from people leaving them hurt.

So in the end, I wasn't all that 'feeling' in the sense of sympathy but feeling in the emotional (snap decision) kind of sense.

I'm not always like that (thank God) but perhaps I'm not a normal INFJ in that sense.

 

[Wyst]

aww...sweet lil creatures.

We feel the same way about you too

 

[penelope]

Speaking from my own experience, INFJ seem to have more depth of feeling, not necessarily more feeling.

True. The best way to describe that is... some people recognize color as the primaries (red, yellow, blue) and the secondaries (green, violet, orange), and sometimes even the tertiaries (the colors in between). But the INFJ understand this even further... the shades and tints, the subtle changes in value defining a color, and even how to build that color from the primaries. But, that doesn't mean we actually do. We just understand it.

 

[Domino]

aww...pink i got mad love for you girl! you are so funny!

You're at least THREE good solid rolls in the sparkle lavender kitten happy sugar! Mrowl!

Hooray INFJs! I'm so glad you guys are coming around. It really further proves that only INFJs get other INFJs... whew.

Ok. No.

That's an insupportable statement and one that seems to indicate that you will ALWAYS end up misunderstood except when in the presence of The Other 2% of the population. I understand my INFJ father just fine, and the score of other INFJs I know. Ni-primary doesn't make you a mystery. It makes you Ni-primary.

You know what they say about a man with big feet. Big shoes.

 

[proteanmix]

Ok. No.

That's an insupportable statement and one that seems to indicate that you will ALWAYS end up misunderstood except when in the presence of The Other 2% of the population. I understand my INFJ father just fine, and the score of other INFJs I know. Ni-primary doesn't make you a mystery. It makes you Ni-primary.

You know what they say about a man with big feet. Big shoes.

I think INJs like to believe that people don't get them or understand them or purposely try to shroud themselves in a mysterious aura so they can then later claim that they weren't understood and absolve themselves of any role they played in the lack of understanding.

I don't know if I want to have sustained contact with a person who is or believes themselves to be complex, because you know, they complicate things. They have a tendency to make things harder than what they have to be. That seems like something that should only be reserved in describing the universe which is requisitely complex. Complex people come with a rather tedious user's manual that needs to be taken to expensive specialty shops when they break. When people describe themselves as complex it's usually a euphemism for troubled and difficult to deal with. Can you be both complex and simple at the same time?

10^1 I can wrap my head around but when you get to 10^100 I just can't do that in my head. It's too big. Are you INFJs saying you're 10^100? You've got so many zero's behind you that you defy understanding? OK I'm confusing myself.

 

[karenk]

On the other hand we can make extremely rash decisions because of our depth of feeling (which can be quite self-centered) and is ironic since we're perceived to be so concientious of other's feelings.

I read that under stress our type makes impulsive decisions. It's the shadow side.