[NF] Values in Relationships

[disregard]

I want to know what you guys value in your romantic relationships. Feel free to answer however you wish.. A list, detailed paragraphs, whatever.

I'm just curious..

Thanks.

 

[PinkIceTD]

I want to know what you guys value in your romantic relationships. Feel free to answer however you wish.. A list, detailed paragraphs, whatever.

I'm just curious..

Thanks.

top 5 in order of importance:

honesty/trustworthiness
faithfulness (kinda the same as the above)
good hygiene
humor
openess


then in no particular order:
attentiveness
passion/romance
physical attractiveness
common interests
theres more but i cant think of them now

 

[Desperado44]

Great question.

LOYALTY
Affection
Touch
Passion

I've found it very, very difficult to find a woman I'm both attracted to physically and has these qualities.

 

[kyuuei]

top 5 in order of importance:

honesty/trustworthiness
faithfulness (kinda the same as the above)
good hygiene
humor
openess


then in no particular order:
attentiveness
passion/romance
physical attractiveness
common interests
theres more but i cant think of them now

Good list!!

I also am a big hater on arrogance in a relationship. If I'm someone equal and special to you at the same time.. I better be that way ALL the time. No when we're alone it's "I love you, we're awesome, gimme my insulin sweetie.." and when we're around the guys or something it's some lame power struggle in a joke.. "Hey toots go get me a coke because I wanna look cool infront of my cool friends..cool." Or even worse, when a girl says a joke and the guy's all "NO BCUZYOUCOULDNTHURTMEIM LEHPOWERZ!!" It makes for SUCH an unattractive way of being. Like you're so paranoid about being weak that you end up being weak in an entirely different way. no Alpha male persona kthnx.

From experience, hygiene = a must.

NO LYING. I know everyone lies.. but seriously, if you don't like fruit, just say so. Don't say you're allergic to ALL FRUIT ALL THE TIME.

 

[disregard]

I value in my relationships (friendships too):

• Punctuality
• Being down-to-earth
• The motivation to discuss and share things with me
• The desire to work through problems
• An active lifestyle
• A respectful demeanor
• Self-motivation
• Appreciation for adventure
• Having their sh*t together (financially, mentally, emotionally)
• Reliability (as opposed to being disposed to changing their mind last minute)
• Being "real" (not disposed to embellishing their sentiments)
• Responsibility
• Self-discipline
• Accountability

 

[kyuuei]

Awesome list, Dis. I also value dependability. They don't need to be rich.. but they don't need to always take and take and never give back either. I'm a big one on always bringing your share to the table, so that there's never shame when the time comes you fall short and need help.

I'm also a big one on people who aren't paranoid and scared. The desire to work out problems would help me know that even if we were to argue and disagree, it doesn't mean my potential date and I would need to worry about it all ending so quickly and superficially (of course there ARE dealbreakers..) that we end up paranoid and jealous. It makes for a relaxed, real evironment.. where I can be myself, he can be himself, and I don't need to worry on either fence on holding back.

 

[disregard]

Also, I wanted to add: responsibility, self-discipline, and accountability.

 

[nolla]

For me the openness is a big thing. Spontaneous, fun, etc. After that I would appreciate if she doesn't need to be doing something all the time...

 

[Dwigie]

Here's my list:
- Laughter, happiness? ( I am too serious for my age, someone ought to shake me up a bit, in a good way of course.)
- sincerity (not to the point of the painfully honest or falling into rudeness but don't pretend to have feelings you don't or vice-versa.)
- mutual support emotionally.(I'll tap you in the back when you're having a bad day, better rub mine too )
- "Growth"= teach me what you know and I'll do the same in return.(What do I bring you?What do you bring me? How am I different now that I know you? What did I learn from you?)
- Acceptance, appreciate me for who I am without admiring me, don't be blind to my flaws but don't poke at me every ten seconds. I'll do the same for you
- Affection (Rawr!)
- Independence and Privacy?(Don't smother me for the love of god, and I won't get in your business 24/7. A couple is not a person, some things should be kept separate or else we fall into co-dependence and are left dumb struck once the relationship ends, sometimes incapable to pick up where we left off. ex: divorces and money problems.)

 

[scantilyclad]

honesty-i hate being lied to.
loyalty-i want relationships with people who will stand by me no matter what.
respect-its a given.
affection-this doesn't really count as far as friends go, because i dont like being affectionate towards my friends, but affection is really important to me in a romantic relationship.
good times-lots of laughs and good memories. i don't want anyone who takes life too seriously.
accepting me for who i am- i can't be changed.

 

[BerberElla]

honesty-i hate being lied to.
loyalty-i want relationships with people who will stand by me no matter what.
respect-its a given.
affection-this doesn't really count as far as friends go, because i dont like being affectionate towards my friends, but affection is really important to me in a romantic relationship.
good times-lots of laughs and good memories. i don't want anyone who takes life too seriously.
accepting me for who i am- i can't be changed.

+1

That pretty much sums up what I value too.

Except I would add that I most want someone who is stable emotionally and safe. I have enough crazy emotions for the both us lol one of us has to be the sensible one.

 

[cascadeco]

I value in my relationships (friendships too):

• Punctuality
• Being down-to-earth
  [*]The motivation to discuss and share things with me
• The desire to work through problems
  [*]An active lifestyle
• A respectful demeanor
• Self-motivation
  [*]Appreciation for adventure
  [*]Having their sh*t together (financially, mentally, emotionally)
  [*]Reliability (as opposed to being disposed to changing their mind last minute)
  [*]Being "real" (not disposed to embellishing their sentiments)
• Responsibility
  [*]Self-discipline
  [*]Accountability

I like this list quite a lot. I think all listed are very admirable things, and all are important, but I highlighted the ones that really stood out for me (and tie 'responsibility' to accountability, fwiw).

In all of my relationships, platonic and romantic alike, these are also needed:
*A good heart. (vague, yes, but really, just someone who is a genuinely good person. Perhaps a certain innocence. Not angsty and vindictive by nature. A humble strength/solidity?? Respectful and kind to others.*This extends to the animal kingdom as well.
*Someone who thinks for themselves and is perhaps a bit eccentric and walks a unique path (this isn't totally necessary for friends, but my *closest* friends all tend to share this trait).
*A wide lens in viewing life and the world. Desire to travel and to expand their horizons and bring/incorporate the rest of the world into their own views.
* And I think it goes without saying that I value being accepted. ;-)


Romantic:
*Affection. I need it.
*Passion/chemistry. I think the presence of it is what distinguishes it from purely platonic.
*Similar 'place' in life, and heading in a similar direction in life, with similar goals. Otherwise it wouldn't be much of a shared journey, which is another thing that I think would be required in a LTR.
*A good balance/respect for being two individuals, and needing that space and time with self and other friends, but also time together. Balance of independence but desire/choice to be together as well.
*A more optimistic, glass-half-full outlook. I've been with glass-half-empty guys, and too much of that cynicism is downright annoying.

Do you think I am picky enough??

 

[Into It]

Faithfulness above all, I've been burned before and never quite recovered.
Then comes love for the abstract, which goes with trying to understand what I'm saying and me in general. I like to feel like she truly takes an interest in me because I will be fulfilling my half of the agreement. The most attractive thing to me in the world though is intelligence. Unfortunately, I do not base my relationships on what is the most attractive thing to me. I must first know she can be trusted deeply. We have to be working toward similar goals, which in themselves are abstract. Finding ourselves and each other, and not taking the world for granted but trying to uncover all that we can instead.

I know a girl who fits all of these descriptions, she's far smarter than I could ever be, an INFP, and we can shoot philosophy around all day. I have not ever been nor will I ever be attracted to her physically. So I hang out with her nearly everyday reaping all of the benefits of a good relationship without the intimacy. I feel she is getting the short end of the stick. I could probably marry her, or at least live with her forever peacefully, but physical attraction is a factor for me, (though less important than others, it must at least be present to some degree!) regardless of whether or not I like to accept that.

 

[mlittrell]

loyalty, brains...actually i just read disregards list and it pretty much hits every point i was going to say lol so props

 

[kiddykat]

#1.- Quality of his heart- Is he truly a kind person, at heart??

2. The way they treat others? Are they the domineering/condescending types? If so, I step AWAY. Are they they harmonious, laid-back, respectful/all around fun to be around with? If so, that's my kind of person.

3. Are they a leader or a follower? Can they think for themselves? Or are they a crowd-pleaser (the type who will do things to impress the group- even if it's at the expense of endangering themselves, others or making someone else feel bad)?

4. Are they authentic/true to themselves? Especially in their endeavors in life. I don't want a guy who listens to his mommy or daddy just because. I want a guy who knows what really makes him happy in life/goes for it. He's his OWN person.

5. Are they content with being who they are?

Other values for me- family- if they love their family, political (if we're on the same spectrum), social- how they treat others, if they act in accordance to their own values- 'Golden Rule.'

 

[violaine]

I have trouble making lists of things I like... esp in relationships. If someone is interesting to me it will negate things I thought I didn't like. I try to stay away from the 'bad' kind of interesting i.e. crazy. And I don't like high-drama (for drama's sake) or manipulative people. I do very much enjoy someone who:

• is imaginative,
• enjoys abstraction,
• has long timelines or appreciates mine. i.e. someone who isn't going to 'rain on my parade' if I'm working towards something that may not materialize for a while,
• is non-controlling,
• is accepting of me. I can handle criticism but I don't want to be someone's project,
• is affectionate in some way, preferably physically and able to accept affection from me. I like regular hugs and hand-holding more than regularly talking about my deepest feelings for them,
• is only into me. I won't jump through hoops or compete for someone, neither would I do that to anyone,
• is sexually compatible, yes very important.

 

[nolla]

You people have long lists... Don't you think that maybe it makes you very critical or narrow-minded?

This is not directed to anyone, just something that popped in my mind. I dunno, it's just that I guess I wouldn't want to think that when I meet someone they're seeing if I match all of their list or not. You know, people are different and sometimes even the imperfect folks are great

 

[kyuuei]

You people have long lists... Don't you think that maybe it makes you very critical or narrow-minded?

This is not directed to anyone, just something that popped in my mind. I dunno, it's just that I guess I wouldn't want to think that when I meet someone they're seeing if I match all of their list or not. You know, people are different and sometimes even the imperfect folks are great

No.

..
>.o Okay, silly aside.. I don't think it makes someone narrow-minded to identify what made them unhappy in previous relationships, and look for those tell-tale signs in future ones. While I don't approach ANY relationship list in hand, I'm definitely better at seeing what I do like, and ignoring what I don't.. that causes problems later on.. sometimes it's good to have that little list in hand to remind myself of what I really want later on, not just right now.

 

[nolla]

But it is different than shopping grocery.

 

[kyuuei]

But it is different than shopping grocery.

Very much so. .. Groceries, you walk down an aisle of packages, knowing exactly what you're getting, and choose exactly what you want.

I have to approach a guy one at a time, figure him out, decide if this is what I want, and take it or leave it without ever knowing what other products are available.

Grocery shopping is way easier.