[NT] NTs: How do you show appreciation?

[ajblaise]

I have a hard time giving the standard "ooohhh thank you so much, ................" when I appreciate what someone has done for me. I'll simply say thank you and maybe tell them why I appreciated what they did. A true showing of appreciation isn't in how good you are able to say Thank You but how the appreciation effects your future actions with that person.

 

[Thursday]

i recall the INTJ i had would insist on buying me things
and then go hell hunting for it-she is solely responsible for my sade coollection
she wrote a book of poetry for me
and would call me after school everyday-get possessive
we'd talk for hours on end

 

[ajblaise]

i recall the INTJ i had would insist on buying me things
and then go hell hunting for it-she is solely responsible for my sade coollection
she wrote a book of poetry for me
and would call me after school everyday-get possessive
we'd talk for hours on end

a possessive INTJ... ouch that sounds bad.

 

[INA]

I have a hard time giving the standard "ooohhh thank you so much, ................" when I appreciate what someone has done for me. I'll simply say thank you and maybe tell them why I appreciated what they did. A true showing of appreciation isn't in how good you are able to say Thank You but how the appreciation effects your future actions with that person.

Conceive of appreciation in broader terms . . . not just for something they did for you but appreciating them as a person. What now?

 

[ajblaise]

Conceive of appreciation in broader terms . . . not just for something they did for you but appreciating them as a person. What now?

Yeah I'll view that as a separate kind of a more general appreciation. There's appreciation for someone being a loyal friend and for specific acts.

 

[Salomé]

I do stuff. I fix stuff. I solve problems. I entertain (not like song-and-dance/juggling acts but I provide nibbles and beverages). I pay for stuff. I never make demands.

If they want touchy-feely, I advise them to get a cat - see, still solving problems.

Is this why I have no girlfriends?

 

[substitute]

I tell the person that I appreciate what they did, might add a note about why I appreciate it if I think they need the affirmation.

Sometimes, depending on the situation and what it is I'm appreciating them for - if it's just something they did for me that I appreciate - then I'm likely to get them a gift or render some service in return that makes us even. Keep the slate clean, so to speak until I know if they're a slate-watcher

But if we're talking about appreciating someone on a more personal level rather than just stuff they do for me, basically, I invite them to join me in my leisure time.

It has been noticed in the past that simply not turning someone away when they come to me is not necessarily a great sign that I appreciate their company or even like them at all - it could very well simply be my sense of duty to humanity in general that makes me unwilling to turn away a person in any kind of need even if it's my least favourite person. But if I actually take the intiative myself and invite them, then that is a really big deal, that's me saying: I officially want you to be my friend because I totally appreciate the rockin' person you are. You have been headhunted! I hope that people would notice the significance of this and not keep fishing around for verbal compliments and expressions of appreciation... I will toss them out if I sense a person needs one, but it won't take many times of having to do that before I start to go cold on them.

I wouldn't invite someone I didn't truly appreciate just to avoid being bored and alone, cos I know that whether I invite people or not, there's an above even chance that someone or other will turn up any damned way.

 

[Uytuun]

Ts: thank you

Fs: I try hugs, cause the words they are looking for usually feel false to me

 

[MacGuffin]

You an F now?

Makes sense.

 

[FDG]

Depends a lot on how close I am with the person. If I'm very close (say, a girlfriend) then I have no problem explicitly thanking both in verbal and touch form. If I'm not very close, I'll just say "thank you" or something like that.

 

[raindancing]

I've learned to be direct with my INTP husband. If I want acknowledgment or appreciation for something I make sure to tell him (cause I've learned that hints do not work ).

Normally though, I can tell if he appreciates something, little differences in body language and vocal tone I guess. Occasionally he'll say something, probably more likely to be physically affectionate though.

I really like the physical affection, but only from him.
A hug from anyone else is weird weird weird.
(online hugs are good though! I wish real life hugs were more like that.)

 

[Fiver]

You have been headhunted!

That's awesome. Sub, if you were here I'd give you a giant hug.

I'm frequently hesitant to reach out to people; but if I think of it as showing them how much I appreciate them, then it would make going out on that limb easier.

 

[Mitzy]

im just myself and my friends & family know how i am and how i act
so i dont ever have to show my appreciation cuz they already know anyway

when it comes to strangers, i do the same as spirilis and just say thanks.

 

[INTJMom]

I'm not the best with words though that's more out of introversion than anything. I could handle a girl that didn't express verbally all the time though, my love language is more physical and action oriented.

If you think of your relationships as systems (which can come naturally to an NT), then showing appreciation is a way to make the system work better and with less effort.

However, if you truly appreciate someone and want them to know it, it must be in a form that means something to them. Otherwise, it will not be effective. And why go through the effort if it's not going to be effective?

If I'm focusing on my own personality, gifts, limitations, etc to package my appreciation, it's really just about me. Isn't it? For example, if I show my appreciation by giving you a big, fat comfy hug and you hate to be touched? Errrrr...you are not going to feel appreciated.

Love language is definitely an important factor in the question posed by the OP.
A person tends to use the love language they prefer themselves, to express their love and/or appreciation for other people.

I'm bi-lingual. My love languages are quality time and encouraging words. My husband's is acts of service. If he wants to show his love for me, he'll do the dishes. If only that felt like love to me, I'd be all set. I have one son who if I want to express my love for him, I should buy him a present. It can even be a candy bar. That reminds me. I don't know the love languages of my two other kids! I must find out!

Generally, I try to use physical touch and words of encouragement on all my kids because the psychologists say that's what they need.

For non-family members, I tend to use encouraging words, and if I sense that it would not make the person feel uncomfortable, my words are sometimes accompanied by a pat on the shoulder or a gentle squeeze on the arm.

When I was a teen and I wanted to express my feelings for someone, I would buy them a trinket that showed them that I had been thinking of them, or give them a card that expressed my feelings.

 

[PurpleCloud]

I used to think a mere thanks was enough. But as it turns out, lots of people don't seem to take it into account all that well, thus requiring of me to show my appreciation in some other form. I was introduced to what is usually called "the hug". Hugging friends, relatives is most effective. Since I've mastered this "hugging" thing, I've been considered a "warmer" person, whereas before people always viewed me as distant and cold.
And, based on the fact that I live in a latin area people usually enjoy a kiss on the cheek. But, as a form of appreciation, it is only used with people I'm close to. Needless to say, latin people are physical people =).

 

[Uytuun]

Cool test INTJmom. I got:

Score Love Language
2 Words of Affirmation
6 Quality Time
1 Receiving of Gifts
11 Acts of Service
10 Physical Touch

 

[MacGuffin]

Cool test INTJmom. I got:

Score Love Language
2 Words of Affirmation
6 Quality Time
1 Receiving of Gifts
11 Acts of Service
10 Physical Touch

Really? Acts of Service? Seems pretty SJ-ish.

I'm Physical Touch and Quality Time.

 

[INTJMom]

Really? Acts of Service? Seems pretty SJ-ish.
...

I know, right? Or at least S. My husband is an ISTP.
Maybe the questions are not framed well enough.
I haven't known enough people's love language to know if there was a correlation or not.

 

[Uytuun]

You call it SJ, I call it lazy.

They kept contrasting presents with acts of service, and yes, it means more to me when you do chores I hate to do than whack me with roses.

I thought I'd be physical touch based on the answers I chose and I'd say that is my primary love language.

 

[MacGuffin]

You call it SJ, I call it lazy.

They kept contrasting presents with acts of service, and yes, it means more to me when you do chores I hate to do than whack me with roses.

I thought I'd be physical touch based on the answers I chose and I'd say that is my primary love language.

Yeah, but that's how you feel loved? What about chores you don't even care about? "I fixed the ceiling fan you never use!"

What about quality time? Just being together, even if you're not doing anything other than reading in bed.