Bringing you out of your shell

[substitute]

I've never gotten those people who can make friends with out trying. I'm like do you have some hypnotic power?

Like Fe people you mean? I figure it's because they actually really attach to people so easily/quickly, they actually really can care about someone and want to see them and miss them and stuff even if they've only known them like a month. Always seems odd to me when I get people like that attaching to me because I just find I'm at a loss as to explain how on earth or why on earth this person keeps asking my opinions on this or that or why they call me to go on a trip with them or something, rather than any of their many other friends that they've known for much longer. I also find it difficult to determine whether/when it's "my place" to start doing stuff like helping, offering help or initiating discussions about personal areas of their life, like at what point do I cease to be the noob in their life and become somebody who's officially a close enough friend to do these things without seeming to be acting out of place or coming on too strong?

I get people doing those things with me sometimes, WAY before I consider them even a friend, let alone a close one... in fact sometimes I barely consider them an acquaintance before they're calling me their best friend... very odd...
(then again I do have attachment issues, i even question sometimes whether I'm actually even attached to my own family )

 

[colmena]

Should you be rollicking with the pygmies or something?

Yes.

 

[INA]

Cute. I just checked out some pygmy art, and I can see why

http://www.whipper-snapper.com/pygmies/images/crane.jpg

 

[Jack Flak]

I can't even tell what's going on there, but I don't think it's my kind of scene.

 

[Mole]

I think life's conventions are my shell. Everything everyone does and is supposed to do feel unnatural to me. It's cyclically suppressing.

Idealism is very claustrophobic when you don't have skills.

This is an extraordinary position to be in.

Just to maintain yourself, just to keep your eyes open, requires an enormous inner strength.

And yet you see quite clearly - your vision is not clouded.

You rest, though, in a very old tradition. That is all around you but remains unseen.

And it is a tradition that welcomes you with delight. Because this tradition can breathe in you.

With every breath you take, you bring the tradition alive; yet you won't tickle it under the ears or take it for a walk. It must trail after you - unacknowledged - eyes downcast - hoping you will give a sign of recognition.

It is almost as though the whole world is holding its breath waiting for you to breathe.

While you, in your ineffable politeness, are waiting for the world to breathe first.

 

[Condor]

I've had people (when I was younger) take me to parties, reunions, etc. with the idea that "You'll have a good time". So much of what is perceived as "the social norm" of the masses is skewed through the eyes of a mass of individuals.

"I'll have a good time...? According to who???"

I often wonder about "social norms" and whether they were created by a bunch of people who were simply not happy with themselves unless they were propped up with compliments about how well they "fit in". The more people try to "bring someone out of their shell" (no matter what the shell is) the more those same people seem to need someone else who is just like them.

I think that if anyone asks me to "come out of my shell" again, I'll say yes, but only if they go inside of it themselves and stay there...

 

[ThatGirl]

can somebody help me come out of my shell?

 

[Jack Flak]

I think that if anyone asks me to "come out of my shell" again, I'll say yes, but only if they go inside of it themselves and stay there...

To be sigged.

 

[Kyrielle]

can somebody help me come out of my shell?

Sure! Hold very still.

 

[Haphazard]

Is it considered being in a shell if one speaks, but nobody listens?

 

[substitute]

Is it considered being in a shell if one speaks, but nobody listens?

Uh no, not really... I think everyone gets that feeling cos I think people, generally, don't fucking listen no matter how outgoing you are lol

 

[Haphazard]

Uh no, not really... I think everyone gets that feeling cos I think people, generally, don't fucking listen no matter how outgoing you are lol

Then what's the POINT of getting out of a shell and saying what fucking needs to be said if it doesn't do a damn thing?!

 

[substitute]

The more people try to "bring someone out of their shell" (no matter what the shell is) the more those same people seem to need someone else who is just like them.

I concur with this. This is also my experience.
When I've had a friend whom I've noticed is quite shy, my first thought is to figure out whether he's happy that way, first off. Then, if it transpires that maybe he is a bit on the lonely side and would like to be a bit more confident socially, the LAST thing I do is say to him "you should come out of your shell" or "just get out there and MEET PEOPLE and it'll come naturally" and that sorta crap.
If someone lacks confidence it's often because they haven't had a big enough sample of people responding to them positively. Accepting them
So my thing that I do is I just accept them. I don't say "I'm accepting you as a PROJECT" but "I accept you as a human being, sane, reasonably intelligent and able to make your own decisions".
Often by simply just having someone around who accepts them for who they are, doesn't judge them, likes to hang out with them and doesn't try to change them, this can cause a person to change from the inside of their own accord, change in the sense of become more confident in themselves, and I've noticed most of the people I've known like this have gradually become more outgoing or at least less anxious.
And many of them have said to me subsequently that it was me simply accepting them as they were that gave them the vote of confidence in their worth as a person being something others could perceive or appreciate.

FFS, just let the guy hang out, let him do what he likes doing. Don't drag him out and try to convert him into a mini-you. If you're doing it for him, rather than for your own gratification, this should make all the difference.

 

[runvardh]

Yeah, I always try to gage how much people are actually listening to what I'm saying and shut off if the listening does not happen. Why waste breath on those who don't care...

 

[substitute]

yeah, and why drag someone out if they're not ready?
I reckon if someone lacks confidence in their own social judgement, telling them that you don't even trust their judgement of their own mental/emotional state of readiness to 'get out there', it only undermines their self-confidence even more... perhaps... lol
If you're gonna challenge someone's self-image you've got to do better than just saying "oh no I think everyone loves you, no don't put yourself down, you're a great person", that's just generic BS that nobody buys. You've got to give them some evidence and a vote of genuine confidence like "well, I thought you handled Bob pretty well earlier today" and give reasons or "Sue said to me she always likes it when you're around, she finds you relaxing because you're not as loudmouthed as me", but it's gotta be genuine, gotta be true.

 

[Haphazard]

yeah, and why drag someone out if they're not ready?
I reckon if someone lacks confidence in their own social judgement, telling them that you don't even trust their judgement of their own mental/emotional state of readiness to 'get out there', it only undermines their self-confidence even more... perhaps... lol
If you're gonna challenge someone's self-image you've got to do better than just saying "oh no I think everyone loves you, no don't put yourself down, you're a great person", that's just generic BS that nobody buys. You've got to give them some evidence and a vote of genuine confidence like "well, I thought you handled Bob pretty well earlier today" and give reasons or "Sue said to me she always likes it when you're around, she finds you relaxing because you're not as loudmouthed as me", but it's gotta be genuine, gotta be true.

...what?

 

[substitute]

...what?

LOL I'm talking about better ways to achieve the end result of someone coming out of their shell, or should I say, of helping them achieve it themselves than the "throw into deep water" techniques discussed earlier. And basically saying that peppering someone with generic buzzwords, empty compliments (i.e. things you have no proof for and are just saying to make them feel better) doesn't help boost people's confidence IME. But raising specific points of specific things they did that contradict their "I'm useless with people" self-image can help more...

 

[Haphazard]

LOL I'm talking about better ways to achieve the end result of someone coming out of their shell, or should I say, of helping them achieve it themselves than the "throw into deep water" techniques discussed earlier. And basically saying that peppering someone with generic buzzwords, empty compliments (i.e. things you have no proof for and are just saying to make them feel better) doesn't help boost people's confidence IME. But raising specific points of specific things they did that contradict their "I'm useless with people" self-image can help more...

Deep water does not work. In fact, with a lot of people, even shallow water does not work. Remember, people can drown in two inches of bathwater. I almost did, and now I'm too afraid to wash my face.

 

[substitute]

Deep water does not work. In fact, with a lot of people, even shallow water does not work. Remember, people can drown in two inches of bathwater. I almost did, and now I'm too afraid to wash my face.

Totally. That was... deep, maaaan.

That's what I mean about letting a person make their own decisions about when they're ready and not insulting their intelligence. They're just shy ffs, they're not retards, they're not fucking stupid. Don't talk to shy people like they're morons. Just cos I might not have the right experience to know certain social conventions doesn't mean you should talk to me like I'm ten years old and treat me like some mental patient who isn't fit to decide things for themselves.

 

[runvardh]

Deep water does not work. In fact, with a lot of people, even shallow water does not work. Remember, people can drown in two inches of bathwater. I almost did, and now I'm too afraid to wash my face.

Probably would help if you had access to better water; sewage is not fun swimming in.