Introverts! How have you developed your social skills overtime?

[Maou]

This might come as a weird question to ask, as introverts usually do not socialize well enough or are selective about their socialization. But, what would happen if an introvert needed to get good at socializing, or simply by choice of not wanting to be terrible at it? If an introvert accepts that they need to develop their people skills, how would they go about it? What do they think is the best approach? What was the best approach? Introverts, lets hear your answer.

I personally, was socially isolated through most of my life. Literally. I was like someone locked up in a dungeon through most of their life, but that is a story for another day. I eventually was trust into the outside world with little knowledge of these beings we call humans, via the internet and eventually reality. I know what you are thinking "The internet? But that is like the WORST place to somehow end up to learn to socialize?" But to my starving mind, and need for stimulus I easily embraced it. I was a raw, unfiltered force set upon the world in the digital age. Looking back now, I can see how far I have come in this "Socializing" skill. When I first used the internet, I didn't really register the people on the other end as emotional living creatures. It was like playing a video game, and I just needed to say what I needed to get through a situation without really thinking about the consequences. Because in my mind, I could simply turn it off, if I got frustrated in any way. So I spent a good few years going through my internet and real life life like it was an elaborate RP Anime video game (as it was my only source of entertainment other than books at the time). Long story short, I was awesome but at the same time a HUGE asshole and I made people cry. A LOT. In real life, I had also started working, and I did not get along with anyone. Everyone hated my guts, and I never figured out why until much later. I simply didn't really develop empathy. While you might be thinking "Oh shit, they are a psychopath", I assure you I am not. I just didn't really register the thought that maybe I should be polite, and nice to people. I saw no merit in it, because I thought most people were just selfish monsters trying to trick me. I spent a lot of my time thinking being emotional was stupid, and pointless. Emotion was weakness, but at the same time I found myself often steeped in it. Depression, resentment, loneliness, isolation, and psychosis. I thought many times, "What am I doing with my life" and those introspective moments lead me to realize that I needed to try something new. So I overlooked myself, and realized that I was lacking an important factor in my life. I have read many things on human psychology, religion, nature, and I came to the conclusion that humans NEED other humans. While part of my didn't want to admit that, I set out on my journey to learn to be acquainted with people. It was around then, my socially crippled ass signed up for World of Warcraft.

In this MMO, I tried for the first time to "engage" people of my own volition. Even though I though the entirety of what I was doing, and felt like it was exactly the same as role playing. I learned that different people respond to different things. Being authentic, and honest were huge factors. Being kind, and listening to what they have to say isn't always boring. I began to reflect, on how I felt, and how I did these things myself. I realized that I had never relied on anyone ever. No matter what age I could think back on, I was always alone and had no one to talk to. I had gotten to adulthood without having confided or trusted anyone. While I didn't see it as a bad thing, I saw it as my next hurdle to overcome. So even though I wasn't emotionally engaged, I engaged others around me. Most of the time, it was stupid simple fun and learning humor. Other times, it was dealing with drama I didn't want anything to deal with. But stoically I listened, and reflected as people poured their souls into mine and I tried to be an ear and the voice of reason. But quickly I realized that people didn't like my "advice", which was pretty much stop being a pussy and get your shit together 9/10 times. So realized overtime, that you don't want to do certain things unless you are sure they can do some good. I began to notice different types of people.

Soon, socializing became trial and error. Pattern recognition in personality types. I was soon able to tell apart people based on how they handled emotions. I then came to a cross roads. I eventually had to choose to give up my own personality to appease people, or stick to being myself. While I did the first thing for such a long time, I eventually shifted to moderating my raw unfiltered personality. Which, even controlled is still rather untamable. Fast forward a few years, I became "Me". I like to call this my reawakening or something stupid like that. I believe it is when my repressed personality traits began to surface after I had left my repressed childhood and early adulthood behind. This time, I was stepping into the real world. Years of having refined my social skills online, in the most brash and most sensitive communities I refined my social skills. Enduring bans, and open humiliation I pushed through. I eventually got to the point I was satisfied with all my hard work, and settled into the person I wanted to be for the most part. Though rough around the edges. So here I am today, and its good to be here.

 

[Coriolis]

I have always approached socializing from almost a professional perspective, even when I was still growing up and in school. By this I mean that, when engaging with someone, I always had a clear idea of what I wanted out of the interaction, and it was usually something like information, help with a project, for them to show me how to do something, etc. Or, I could be offering to help them or share what I know. In any case, focusing on this made me more comfortable and confident in the exchange, and reassured me that I wouldn't be wasting their time, or mine. Sure - now and then the person didn't have what I was looking for, but sometimes we ended up chatting anyway, and they might point me toward someone who did. I guess the bottom line is that most of my socializing looks like professional networking or collaboration. Occasionally it does lead to more informal interactions and even friendships.

 

[Earl Grey]

Professionally: Literally learnt like I was reading from a manual. This is honestly the easiest unless you are in sales, because you already know what to ask the customer. I'm a good listener though, so I use that to my advantage in conversation. Basically, a conversation still happens, I just don't have to talk too much.

With friends: Find what you like, find what they like, exchange opinions. BOOM

With strangers: WING IT. Literally, just wing it. Don't think about being shy, don't think about shame. Most of the time, people will just start talking on their own if you open properly. W5 1H (Who, Why, What, When, Where, How) questions are my go-to if I have no idea what to say, and I need to make small talk for some reason.

If you want to go a step ahead, master small talk (I honestly hate this though). If you have the guts to talk to strangers, you'd have even more guts talking to friends.
Focus on who they might be, and ask.

See a mom at the school? Ask about their son. See a guy in an office? Ask if he works there, how's the job? The cashier in starbucks? What's your favourite coffee? You'll get better at knowing what to ask beyond "How's the weather?" questions the more you do this, which makes people feel like you're genuinely interested and will be more open to talking. A very umbrella question that generally works for all: "What's your favourite ___?"

If they don't speak much, then congratulations! They're an introvert like you! Now chacha real smooth away and enjoy both your alone time in mutual understanding.

---

A lot of the time, if you're still starting out, you might see yourself getting talked over. You might not know how to join a conversation that is already going on. These are what I see are the biggest problems introverts face; the solution is to take it one step at a time.

1) Say hello: I began by simply saying hello to everyone I see. People remember that, and would be more likely to notice your presence the next time you are there.
2) You're not on stage: There is no right or wrong thing to say. If they shit on you real fast, then you know it's bad company. Look elsewhere.
3) Voice: Make sure you're speaking loudly enough. Trick: Pretend you're talking out loud to yourself.
4) Keep trying: This is a skill that needs practice. Good luck.

 

[Earl Grey]

To add: I missed your spoiler. How did I miss it IX, please go to bed

If you want to maintain your authenticity and integrity though, then, you can do so with friends.
People who have been with you long enough to notice your patterns, to understand what you are saying.

Here's the key: You don't have to please anyone, but it remains that you have to stand by the consequences of whatever you do or say.
At least, that's my consideration when I think about whether I should 'be myself' or 'be authentic', and I think is a sensible one.

If your 'authentic' self causes damage and bites back at you, then maybe you want to consider improving yourself, not just for others, but your own well being; so you can healthily relate to others and forge genuine bonds. That, or accept that your type of personality is a type that is difficult to get along with.

Which outcome do you desire more? Go for that.

You're still young, and there's still room for a lot of trial and error. Again, good luck.

 

[mgbradsh]

Two things happened in university: the first was that I was forced to get a job in retail. I almost threw up when I had to talk to my first customer, but after a while my confidence grew and I was able to work with people and read them and become pretty effective at sales.

The second was having group of friends that were way less introverted than I was. When we were all together I had to fight to get a word in edgewise, so I became a lot more aggressive conversationally. I learned to advocate for my ideas and be heard, which was really difficult for me to do. As I’ve gotten older the resoluteness of my ideas have solidified and it’s gotten easier to speak with more confidence.

I guess the trick, as an introvert, is lots of practice. Thoughts don’t always flow as easily out of our mouths as they do for extroverts so by talking things through in an environment that forces it you learn to process things a bit faster.

 

[Lady Lazarus]

I'm a 9 so I believe my value is earned and I have always been almost too eager to do things like destroy myself in order to improve or change. Thus, pushing myself and making myself uncomfortable has come easily for most of my life. Although it seems you can't tell at all online. But that is in all likelihood a product of how little time I can invest here at this point in my life. That said, I am still not perfect in terms of being quite withdrawn and solitary in inclinations. But I am very confident and unafraid when speaking to or engaging with others. I am not afraid to initiate either. Which is extremely different from the way my sensitive and overwhelmed childhood self was. Sure, I was agressive, but I wasn't confident the way I am now. I am certain that I can handle anything and bear just as much. When something hurts or is uncomfortable, I struggle and I fight because I hate weakness. It is just the same with people, the real difficulty has been seeing others not as enemies but as friends. I am still working on that.

 

[highlander]

I read a book called how to win friends and influence people when I was a teenager and basically tried to do the things in the book. I don't really treat work vs personal functions any different. An example was this last week. I had a four hour long client dinner. I really only knew one of the fourteen people in attendance. I spent a half hour talking to one guy. Then after we sat down I spent an hour talking to the woman on my right. Then I spent two hours taking to the two women on my left. I don't approach these things with any kind of objective in mind. I have found the best thing is to be truly interested in other people and get them talking about themselves. I left the evening having thoroughly enjoyed the conversations and having learned some new things. I found out a couple days later that one of the people I talked to is the buyer and it's good to make a connection with her. People buy from people after all. If nothing happens from a business perspective, that's fine. I had the enjoyment of speaking to this really interesting person for two hours.

 

[ceecee]

I read a book called how to win friends and influence people when I was a teenager and basically tried to do the things in the book. I don't really treat work vs personal functions any different. An example was this last week. I had a four hour long client dinner. I really only knew one of the fourteen people in attendance. I spent a half hour talking to one guy. Then after we sat down I spent an hour talking to the woman on my right. Then I spent two hours taking to the two women on my left. I don't approach these things with any kind of objective in mind. I have found the best thing is to be truly interested in other people and get them talking about themselves. I left the evening having thoroughly enjoyed the conversations and having learned some new things. I found out a couple days later that one of the people I talked to is the buyer and it's good to make a connection with her. People buy from people after all. If nothing happens from a business perspective, that's fine. I had the enjoyment of speaking to this really interesting person for two hours.

This. It's the easiest and best way I know to socialize and I usually end up enjoying one on one or small groups like what you described. Being married to a ENFJ 9 likely helped too.

 

[Coriolis]

If you want to go a step ahead, master small talk (I honestly hate this though). If you have the guts to talk to strangers, you'd have even more guts talking to friends.
Focus on who they might be, and ask.

See a mom at the school? Ask about their son. See a guy in an office? Ask if he works there, how's the job? The cashier in starbucks? What's your favourite coffee? You'll get better at knowing what to ask beyond "How's the weather?" questions the more you do this, which makes people feel like you're genuinely interested and will be more open to talking. A very umbrella question that generally works for all: "What's your favourite ___?"

I have found the best thing is to be truly interested in other people and get them talking about themselves.

That's the problem, though, if it's even fair to call it that. I don't have an interest in most people, most of the time. I don't care about their son, or their job, or what kind of coffee they like. Sure, I can fake it, but it feels fake and is fake. I am pretending to be someone I am not.

When I do take an interest in someone, it is because I think they can help me somehow, or I can help them. There is a purpose to it, and an obvious way one or both of us might benefit. This can include learning about a topic I don't know much about, getting (or giving) advice about something, offering to pitch in when there is something I can do, etc. The rest is idle chatter with little benefit to anyone.

 

[Luminous]

That's the problem, though, if it's even fair to call it that. I don't have an interest in most people, most of the time. I don't care about their son, or their job, or what kind of coffee they like. Sure, I can fake it, but it feels fake and is fake. I am pretending to be someone I am not.

When I do take an interest in someone, it is because I think they can help me somehow, or I can help them. There is a purpose to it, and an obvious way one or both of us might benefit. This can include learning about a topic I don't know much about, getting (or giving) advice about something, offering to pitch in when there is something I can do, etc. The rest is idle chatter with little benefit to anyone.

It may be so, for you, and for some others. But for others, it may benefit them, even if it doesn't benefit you.

 

[Forever]

What do you do when the person expects you to talk about yourself? s_s

 

[highlander]

That's the problem, though, if it's even fair to call it that. I don't have an interest in most people, most of the time. I don't care about their son, or their job, or what kind of coffee they like. Sure, I can fake it, but it feels fake and is fake. I am pretending to be someone I am not. When I do take an interest in someone, it is because I think they can help me somehow, or I can help them. There is a purpose to it, and an obvious way one or both of us might benefit. This can include learning about a topic I don't know much about, getting (or giving) advice about something, offering to pitch in when there is something I can do, etc. The rest is idle chatter with little benefit to anyone.

Sure sometimes that does happen Its about chemistry. Perhaps I am more easily entertained . I like making one on one connections with people and open dialogue. Most people are passionate about some things in their life and it's easy to get them to talk about those things. As an SX, I crave the intensity of connection. If there is no depth or someone stays closed off, I can get bored.

I try to find areas of common interest and ask them questions about things I'm curious about. As the listener, you can direct the conversation. One person the other night started talking about personality type . I latched onto that because I had been guessing she was an INTP or INFP and she confirmed she tested as both and wasn't sure.

 

[highlander]

What do you do when the person expects you to talk about yourself? s_s

That's easy. You just do it. Don't you like talking about yourself? I do. I enjoy it more when it's two way. Most people probably do. I think in general, people like stories.

 

[Earl Grey]

That's the problem, though, if it's even fair to call it that. I don't have an interest in most people, most of the time. I don't care about their son, or their job, or what kind of coffee they like. Sure, I can fake it, but it feels fake and is fake. I am pretending to be someone I am not.

When I do take an interest in someone, it is because I think they can help me somehow, or I can help them. There is a purpose to it, and an obvious way one or both of us might benefit. This can include learning about a topic I don't know much about, getting (or giving) advice about something, offering to pitch in when there is something I can do, etc. The rest is idle chatter with little benefit to anyone.

Neither do I, but I had to learn, so I learnt enough to know how to do it, so at least if I needed that skill I could use it.

I tend to need a reason to talk, but I also have moments I purely just want to socialize.

That's easy. You just do it. Don't you like talking about yourself? I do. I enjoy it more when it's two way. Most people probably do. I think in general, people like stories.

I find it easier to talk about myself when there is some use. Usually when I enter a conversation I have an idea of what I want, sometimes idle chatter just paves the way to it. But otherwise I tend to not say much about myself and remain distant (a habit I'm trying to break).

 

[Coriolis]

That's easy. You just do it. Don't you like talking about yourself? I do. I enjoy it more when it's two way. Most people probably do. I think in general, people like stories.

I do not enjoy telling random strangers much about myself. It is none of their business. I keep my cards close to the chest, and give out information generally on a need to know basis. I can be quite good at deflecting such inquiries in ways that appear innocuous.

Neither do I, but I had to learn, so I learnt enough to know how to do it, so at least if I needed that skill I could use it.

Why did you have to learn?

 

[highlander]

I do not enjoy telling random strangers much about myself. It is none of their business. I keep my cards close to the chest, and give out information generally on a need to know basis. I can be quite good at deflecting such inquiries in ways that appear innocuous.

I understand. Why be so secretive though? What's the point?

 

[Forever]

That's easy. You just do it. Don't you like talking about yourself? I do. I enjoy it more when it's two way. Most people probably do. I think in general, people like stories.

I mean I can talk about myself following patterns, what advice works for me, or general attitudes about things pretty well. But most people expect who want me to talk about myself expect more concrete objects and since I really don’t focus on specific things to identify with.

Examples with my thought processes to go along with it:

What’s your favorite color? It changes from day to day, and I haven’t really thought today what my favorite color was. But here’s a color that intrigued me recently.

What’s your favorite movie: I guess to go with a mainstream and recognizable movie: Lord of the Rings, but you probably love Star Wars more so because I’m not that interested in Star Wars and I don’t want to offend you by listing my favorite trilogy that has been popularized and listed by many as boring, I’ll just say some random Netflix movie to hopefully convince you I sound cool and original while it may have only resonated with my feelings at the time, but I mean it could go up there, only you never heard of it and will probably forget when you get home.

What’s your favorite music? Well my life has actually been defined by genres within a specific time period and... (I think you already get the point by my first two)

Odd thing is when I’m actually straightforward, everyone I meet seems to go “oh.” And the conversation is dead.

I find that I can’t satisfy many strangers well by talking about myself so I avoid it if I can. Which with some people you can’t.

 

[Earl Grey]

Why did you have to learn?

I was too much of a recluse, to the point I actually hated speaking to people in entirely.
It was really bad, as in, 'not participating or taking interest in your surroundings'-bad.
Being too quiet gave me more trouble than learning how to speak.
Also, I figure it is a useful skill.

 

[Pionart]

I have always approached socializing from almost a professional perspective, even when I was still growing up and in school. By this I mean that, when engaging with someone, I always had a clear idea of what I wanted out of the interaction, and it was usually something like information, help with a project, for them to show me how to do something, etc. Or, I could be offering to help them or share what I know. In any case, focusing on this made me more comfortable and confident in the exchange, and reassured me that I wouldn't be wasting their time, or mine. Sure - now and then the person didn't have what I was looking for, but sometimes we ended up chatting anyway, and they might point me toward someone who did. I guess the bottom line is that most of my socializing looks like professional networking or collaboration. Occasionally it does lead to more informal interactions and even friendships.

Hmm, this does sound like a very IxxJ way to go about things, so I should get it, but I don't. I don't know what sort of thing I would want to get from someone that would drive me to pursue an interaction. I've mostly been the passive recipient of friendships (I think) and the focus is just on being friends. With people I'm not already friends with I don't really talk to them. (internet socialising is a whole other thing though, and I just talk when I have something relevant to chime in with, or I talk in chats out of boredom or an interesting topic, or whatever else (including wanting something, I s'pose))

So I gotta like... think of things I want from people, or something?

 

[wolfnara]

This might surprise you, but I improved my social skills by talking to people!

Sarcasm aside, I just got better overtime because I had to make those phone calls and approach people when I had to. No one else was going to do it for me. Experience is basically it. You can improve on anything really. I've been living by myself for a year now and phone calls don't bother me anymore, and I easily get it out the way. Small talk is still a tough one, probably the thing I need to improve on the most, but the best thing to do is ask the other person questions, and keep doing until it seems natural (or comes naturally to you even)