[INFJ] To INFJs - how do you feel after you door slam someone?

[lovefool21]

Hello

Having been on the receiving end of a very final door slam from my ex of a few years recently, I cannot but wonder how she feels about me and the situation - but given the doorslam there is no communication, so I cannot find out.

So I wonder, for INFJs out there: when you slam the door on someone and cut them off, how do you feel in the weeks and months afterwards? Do you become completely emotionally neutral to them, or are you still capable of missing them and caring about them or regretting your actions?

Thanks

 

[Glorfindel]

I am young (18), and was young (11-16) when this happened, so take this with a grain of salt.

I lived overseas for 5 years (ages 9-13) and had a female best friend for basically that entire time. We got along very well and had a great relationship, but, as many of these relationships go, I started to have feelings for her. At least as much feelings an 11 year old can have. Basically I was just a friend who she talked about with other relationships, etc, which I was honestly fine with except I was getting mixed signals. She would say she wanted to get married (yeah kid stuff), and then the next day be obsessed with some other guy. Eventually I moved back to the US and didn't really keep in contact. She got my number somehow and had moved to the US and wanted to talk so we texted, video chatted for a while. I got obsessed with her again and she asked me to visit, flirted with me, and was just generally frustrating. She lied to me several times about family situations as well. It went off and on for 2-3 years and eventually, after 6 months of no texts, I just didn't reply to her new one. I was done with feeling confused and manipulated.

I still feel bad about it. Her family has gone through a lot, but eventually I didn't know who to believe and had to get out of it. It helped me move on as well. I have no idea what I'd do if she showed up. She texted me a few days ago (it's been over a year since the "doorslam") and I still wrestled with replying and decided not to. I do miss her somewhat and that connection to my "past life" and I hope that one day I can explain what was going on, but I'm not there yet.

 

[Fidelia]

I haven't done it much. On one occasion, a former summer bf turned penpal/friend and I carried on a regular correspondence. He ended up dating someone for like a year and a half without mentioning it. I felt it was wrong to her, even if we weren't more than friends and I was upset at him hiding that from me while writing that he missed me etc, as it made me weirdly complicit. Anyway I told him so and quit corresponding. I maybe understand it better now but don't really feel the friendship was sustainable past university anyhow.

In the second case, I met a man twenty years older than me that was a historian in a town where my ancestors came from. He gave me historical info I needed about a manuscript I was editing and we ended up.bevoming friends. He was odd though very bright and we'd gotten the friends talk out of the way quite early on, so I thought it was okay to be friends from across the country. I had a trip planned back there where I wanted to do research, and interview old people in the area, access documents, etc. He promised contacts with people and some leads, and I talked my mom into coming too. After we arrived, it was apparent that he'd been less than truthful a.d just wanted to spend time alone together. I was embarrassed, and mad, because I'd been very up front before and not led him to believe I was interested in anything more than the work I'd come to do. I cut off contact. I wish now I could have returned a book he sent me and wanted back (he's since moved), but other than that, I have no huge regrets.

I dislike dishonesty like that, especially when it affects more than just me. Those are the only two cases I can think of.

 

[lovefool21]

I dislike dishonesty like that, especially when it affects more than just me. Those are the only two cases I can think of.

Thanks. So in those two cases it sounds like both were if you don't mind me saying, not hugely substantial relationships (e.g. partner of several years/spouse, lifelong best friend, sibling) so it was easier to move on and forget them emotionally? Which sounds like you have.

I've noticed with INFJs that everyone not related is 'in danger' of a door slam. I.e. the only people INFJs tend to keep with them throughout their life are parents/siblings/children, and possibly other family (cousins, aunts/uncles, grandparents). Perhaps because they value harmony - and it's hard to be part of a family yet cut certain people off completely?

I get the impression even with marriage, it's being married and having kids that might otherwise prevent a door slam. So if you're not related, or married with kids to the INFJ then watch out!

My INFJ ex of some years, put up with some appalling behaviour from family (far worse than anything between us) - which I always found odd given the door slam side of her personality. This ability to door slam has really made me feel differently about INFJs - a fear of getting close to them you might say from now on.

I just want to understand how an INFJ feels post-doorslam, about a loved one.

 

[Fidelia]

Hmm. I've never gotten to that point with someone unrelated whom I loved. I don't think infjs give up very easily on people they love, particularly if they haven't tried everything they can think of to salvage the relationship or they still have hope in any way. They also don't do well with lack of explanation/resolution.

However they may put a temporary stop on communication if it is causing a constant overload of emotional turmoil that they can't get sufficient distance from, or a more permanent doorslamming if they truly have no hope and have quit being invested anymore to protect themselves. Don't know which it is in your case.

I don't think it's a standard way of dealing with people, although I do admit it's enough of a thing to have become identified with that type. But I and a number of other infjs I know would be hard pressed to think of an instance where that would be a plausible reaction, even under pretty bad circumstances.

I think infjs can be prone to dissatisfaction when they realize that things will not be as they envision, hence maybe your observation about family being their main loyalty. However, I think they are actually more prone to staying in relationships longer than they ought to (not because they are doormats who can't see, but they are stubborn idealists who don't give up easily. They also take awhile to be sure their perceptions are correct and find anything involving their own self/emotions trickier to see at a glance. I'm not saying their perceptions can't be biased, but it does take awhile to arrive at them for sure and it is hard to change those perceptions once they are established.)

Disclaimer - I don't speak for all infjs but am giving you whatever clues I know of based on myself and years on this forum hearing other infj input.

 

[Polaris]

There is always some possibility of getting good out of interaction with a person, so I've never fully doorslammed anyone. I came close to doing it on two occasions, though. On one of the occasions, it was with the most poisonous individual I've ever met, and the decision was mutual. I do have regrets in that case, because the person had a great deal of extraordinary good mixed in with the bad. On the second occasion, the person was someone who made me feel uncomfortable and with whom I had poor chemistry. On one hand, he wasn't a bad person and even had good feelings toward me, and so I wish I didn't have to be so cruel as to put a distance between us. On the other hand, since we had poor chemistry, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything much by not being in contact with him.

 

[lovefool21]

There is always some possibility of getting good out of interaction with a person, so I've never fully doorslammed anyone. I came close to doing it on two occasions, though. On one of the occasions, it was with the most poisonous individual I've ever met, and the decision was mutual. I do have regrets in that case, because the person had a great deal of extraordinary good mixed in with the bad. On the second occasion, the person was someone who made me feel uncomfortable and with whom I had poor chemistry. On one hand, he wasn't a bad person and even had good feelings toward me, and so I wish I didn't have to be so cruel as to put a distance between us. On the other hand, since we had poor chemistry, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything much by not being in contact with him.

thanks for that. With my ex in question, there was a lack of chemistry issue quite often and I worry that hurt her, she felt I was holding back. I guess the pain can build up and that's part of the reason for the door slam: to get away from accumulated pain, that otherwise you feel you can't get rid of?

Though I wonder if holding out for chemistry is the best thing. I've heard many say that chemistry often is not a good indicator of what makes for a good relationship. Infact often chemistry can be down to some quite unhealthy things (e.g. you feel chemistry towards someone because they remind you of another intense relationship in your life, e.g. parent/child, even if it is not a healthy one!)

 

[Forever]

Um... relieved?

 

[lovefool21]

Surely it depends on the depth and length of the relationship you're door slamming?

 

[lovefool21]

Guess what I'm really trying to say, out of wishful thinking (regarding my ex) is that if you have been with an INFJ for a few years, is it really plausible that they could cut you out of their lives and move on emotionally very quickly? In other words that the finality of the door slam also mirrors how they are feeling, i.e. having completely drawn a line under it

 

[Polaris]

I've heard many say that chemistry often is not a good indicator of what makes for a good relationship.

How can you have a good relationship with someone you don't click with? Chemistry is essential to a platonic or romantic relationship.

if you have been with an INFJ for a few years, is it really plausible that they could cut you out of their lives and move on emotionally very quickly?

Yes, it's plausible. Why wouldn't it be?

out of wishful thinking

What is there to be wishful about? If someone has broken up with you, they're not your greatest match. There are better options out there for you.

 

[lovefool21]

How can you have a good relationship with someone you don't click with? Chemistry is essential to a platonic or romantic relationship.

Yes, it's plausible. Why wouldn't it be?

What is there to be wishful about? If someone has broken up with you, they're not your greatest match. There are better options out there for you.

Many would say that chemistry can be a BAD thing as it can blind you to incompatability, so I'm not sure I agree with that. E.g. the cliche of falling in love with the bad boy who you have mad chemistry with, but is a complete love rat and you have little in common with.

Re plausiblity of being emotionally neutral to someone so soon, even after years spent with them: I find that very hard to understand or believe could be realistic given the time and emotional investment over those years?

 

[Fidelia]

I can't speak for other people, and I haven't usually been the one initiating a break up, even when I maybe should have. However, I can say that many INFJs, myself included, invest a lot into relationships and take quite a bit of time to process and move on from them.

 

[Glitter_Pancakes]

Hi. First post so hope I'm doing this properly, especially the "quotes" part.

Unsure about your ages. Since different ages have different life experiences which leads to different advice... I'm mid-thirties.

Originally Posted by lovefool21
I get the impression even with marriage, it's being married and having kids that might otherwise prevent a door slam.

I agree. INFJs use Fe unlike ENFPs who use Fi. Fe focuses on 'other people' and harmony in our social environment. If children are involved, then each child adds more feelings to consider when making a decision that's best for everyone.

I'm married to an ESTP and we have kids, who were a major factor in my decision not to divorce my husband a few years ago when we were struggling. In addition to our children, we had been together 14 years (married 9) at that point. That's a lot of history to throw away.

I probably would have given up if we weren't married and didn't have kids. It took a lot of effort, time and communication for us to work through it. Not everyone wants to put in that level of effort and I think the effort is, in some way, proportional to the time and history involved with the specific relationship.

Originally Posted by lovefool21
I just want to understand how an INFJ feels post-doorslam, about a loved one.

If someone is door slammed, they are no longer considered a 'loved one'.

Basically, we're putting ourselves first. (This isn't always easy for someone with more dominant Fe.) INFJs often bend over backwards for other people trying to maintain the status quo. So whatever happened, the INFJ felt the door slam was a necessary move to protect themselves from pain. This leads me to something I didn't see mentioned in the thread, or I missed it, but...

A door slam is not about the other person. It's a self-defense mechanism used to protect ourselves (INFJ) from someone who hurts us with regularity, even if unintentional, and shows no signs of changing.

It's like getting emotionally hit over and over and over again. If the INFJ is doing everything they can to fix a problem they see and the other party is not changing and still hitting them, there comes a point where enough is enough. We're done getting hit. We're just... done.

In a sense, the other person is no longer considered and we no longer allow those emotions to exist. It's like turning off a faucet.

But it's also important to note that whatever that INFJ is doing to try to fix the problem may not be perceived in the same way from the other party, especially if the cognitive functions stack is very different. It took 7 years for my husband to finally understand what I was trying to do to fix our relationship and why I was so hurt. Not because he didn't want to try, but because I wasn't explaining it in a way he understood.

We had completely different perspectives.

For me (INFJ - Ni Fe Ti Se), our relationship was similar to a building. It had a strong foundation and was built with love, but it required upkeep. So for me, each year we weren't connecting I saw this building start to crumble, need new paint, foundation work, plumbing, whatever. I tried to alert him to this thing needing work and was brushed aside because he didn't see the same thing.

For him (ESTP - Se Ti Fe Ni), 10 years had passed and he saw the same building. He couldn't understand how I thought it was different because in his mind, nothing had changed.



Wow, sorry. Rereading that sounded a bit harsh. I hope the main point I made is that a door slam is less about the individual shut out and more about the person doing the shutting. It's not an easy decision to make and it's not made lightly. I wish you the best of luck in whatever happens.

 

[lovefool21]

Hi. First post so hope I'm doing this properly, especially the "quotes" part.

Wow, sorry. Rereading that sounded a bit harsh. I hope the main point I made is that a door slam is less about the individual shut out and more about the person doing the shutting. It's not an easy decision to make and it's not made lightly. I wish you the best of luck in whatever happens.

Hi and thanks very much. I'm a similar age to you, my INFJ partner I was with for just over 3 years (first relationship ever for her as she was quite a late starter, and by far my longest relationship). I fully relate to the fact that I viewed the relationship as quite solid/established like your ESTP partner, whereas she saw it as something more 'organic' shall we say, and felt I wasn't delivering on that front.

I also think that marriage (and definitely kids, as I have one from a previous relationship but me and my INFJ ex didn't have any together) would have made her far more reluctant to walk away. And she would have seen those things as a sign of my commitment and love to her, which after 3 years I still hadn't give.

What gets me is the difference between ending it, and ending it with absolutely ALL communication cut off for good. Which is what she did. It still feels massively harsh to me, if not for MBTI I would probably have struggled even more with it and tried in vain to change things.

 

[lovefool21]

For him (ESTP - Se Ti Fe Ni), 10 years had passed and he saw the same building. He couldn't understand how I thought it was different because in his mind, nothing had changed.

Also this makes me feel a little envious: I am not excusing ExxP behaviour but to have a partner who would bear with you for so long without leaving, your husband is a lucky man! Perhaps with marriage by this point, and kids later, that my INFJ other half might have similarly stayed.

I did also have issues as I loved her, and was strongly attracted to her at times, but also frequently found her behaviour and mannerisms quite eccentric and (to me) unattractive which led to me feeling distanced and different from her - which she must have picked up on. It was an on-going problem, yet I loved so many other things about her (warm and kind, intelligent, good sense of fun, loyal, pretty, loved people and places like me, similar backgrounds) that I fear I won't find this ever again.

 

[Fidelia]

Still sounds more like you disliked the prospect of being alone than that you were really into her.

 

[vibella]

Personally, quite neutral. I generally "slam the door" when I feel as though the relationship has expired and we're not doing each other any good, so I move on quickly.

 

[Earl Grey]

Hmm. I've never gotten to that point with someone unrelated whom I loved. I don't think infjs give up very easily on people they love, particularly if they haven't tried everything they can think of to salvage the relationship or they still have hope in any way. They also don't do well with lack of explanation/resolution.
[...]

I see so much of myself within these words. Everything you said rings true with me, though there might be a commonality that lies within "not because they are doormats who can't see, but they are stubborn idealists who don't give up easily." between fellow INFJ in general.

At least for me, when I see so much potential in the person it becomes hard to let go, especially when I know I can do something about it, and they're someone within my inner circle. And of course, the more you invest, the more painful it would be to let go. The higher you fly the harder you fall.


Personally, I've had the misfortune of having to doorslam 2 people in the past.

Painful? Of course, very painful. But once it's over, it's over. It's like burning a bridge, once everything's gone, there's just no going back. It's not that you cannot go back, but you just don't feel anything about it any longer. The future is more important to me, and if that's gone, then there's nothing. The past does not matter as much, nor does the length of time spent together. After a while everything is just gone, and admittedly, to the other party, that might be even crueler than anger.

It does shake me a little that such a thing could happen. Being able to untie all strings in such a manner, I mean.


Editing in a small clarification: Though I mentioned the act being 'cruel', I meant in how it's perceived by others. From myself at least, there is no intent for cruelty. There never is.
I would liken it to... Putting away the dishes. You don't feel anything about it. You just put them away.
Once it's done, it's done. I'm clarifying this because it's extremely annoying when people think it's an act of revenge.
No, I'm just no longer investing any energy or attention in that area / person. That is all.

 

[Nico_D]

Well, bad, obviously, because it shouldn't have come to that. It is the last course of action for me after having tried everything else to fix things.