Wanting people to like you (need advice)

[disregard]

What's the point of being liked if you aren't liked for your authentic self?

 

[SillySapienne]

What's the point of being liked if you aren't liked for your authentic self?

WORD.

 

[disregard]

I know the point: power, admiration, praise, attention, envy....

But that's such a hollow and fleeting satisfaction, isn't it?

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

All I see when I read this is someone who fears themself, their true being and intentions, someone who has an intense fear of being "found out", i.e. "what if the world knew, what if he or she knew, what I *really* thought or felt, how things *really* are?" Perhaps your *nature* is not a light or friendly one, perhaps you have a natural propensity to be mean, and you are hyper-conscious of this fact. Perhaps you are so afraid or ashamed of this fact that you try your hardest to conceal its existence, negate it by acting in opposition to it.

I dunno, just my thoughts.

:/

I can say with confidence that my true nature is to be accepting and empathic. I'm sure there are times when I naturally don't feel that, but the meanness is, like Ivy said, a reaction to something else. It's possible that I'm intolerant of that meanness in front of certain people (whereas here on a forum, it's easier to express because there's --

Hm. Maybe it's that I don't want to be rejected once people know me. On a internet forum it's easier because there's no less intimacy. If people reject me on a site that I have 4 posts at, I couldn't give a shit because they're not really rejecting me; they don't know me. But in RL, or even on this site where I've put in a lot of time, it's a little bit more serious and personal. Still though, I don't see why I wouldn't let myself think certain thoughts about those people. Why's it bad?

The lack of authenticity is accurate, CC, but it goes deeper than that, I think.

Edahn- would you characterize yourself as a child as a "pleaser?" Meaning, did you really do your best to make authority figures proud of you? I did- not because they put undue pressure on me, because they didn't, but because I admired them and wanted them to admire me back.

Yeah, I would probably say I was with school and grades. I was always liked by my teachers too.

 

[bluebell]

What's the underlying fear? Rejection-depression?

No, fear of being harmed/fear of death. I know where it comes from and I know it's irrational, so I try not to give into it. Fear of rejection seems easier to overcome than fear of death, from my perspective. Is there anything underneath the fear of rejection for you?

This reaction is strongest for me when people I like and admire and respect dislike me. If I don't like someone, I don't really mind if they don't like me in return (although, if I'm going to be honest, that does sometimes sting a bit - again, irrational).

What's the point of being liked if you aren't liked for your authentic self?

I twist myself up in knots with that quite often. The fear of being disliked is quite strong for me because it's tied up with fear of death. Survival >> being authentic (have a look at Maslow's list of needs for example).

 

[The Ü™]

What's the point of being liked if you aren't liked for your authentic self?

Most people are uninteresting and know that about themselves, so they have no choice but to put on a facade.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

No, fear of being harmed/fear of death. I know where it comes from and I know it's irrational, so I try not to give into it. Fear of rejection seems easier to overcome than fear of death, from my perspective. Is there anything underneath the fear of rejection for you?

I'm not 100% sure. It might just be a fear that I'm worthless, or a fear of feeling worthless and being sad. Again, not sure. I wonder if people who don't have this problem are less sensitive, or know deep down that they are valuable, or both. Or something else.

It's easy to justify why people are valuable intellectually (or never valuable), but to let it sink deep down is trickier. I think I've always felt value only vicariously through others. Like Ivy was saying about pleasing others.

 

[bluebell]

I'm not 100% sure. It might just be a fear that I'm worthless, or a fear of feeling worthless and being sad. Again, not sure. I wonder if people who don't have this problem are less sensitive, or know deep down that they are valuable, or both. Or something else.

This is one way I've looked at it for me. If someone important to you disliked you and rejected you - what does that mean/imply for you? (hope I've articulated it well enough, I are not artikulate today)

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

This is one way I've looked at it for me. If someone important to you disliked you and rejected you - what does that mean/imply for you? (hope I've articulated it well enough, I are not artikulate today)

I would feel crushed. I can't say what I'd be thinking at that moment, but I'd feel an overwhelming feeling of aloneness and deep hurt.

 

[disregard]

I twist myself up in knots with that quite often. The fear of being disliked is quite strong for me because it's tied up with fear of death. Survival >> being authentic (have a look at Maslow's list of needs for example).

Ah... yes. I suppose it is very necessary to put on a face if you want to survive. I'm young and without responsibilities, so I forget.. but Edahn is at the age where he has a career, needs to establish and keep a network of contacts, needs to marry, etc, so he cannot simply risk being himself, as I can. He has to "be acceptable" in order to secure the future he desires.

Although, there must be a happy medium.

The question is, is he being too inauthentic to be content with himself? Seems that would be the case.

 

[digesthisickness]

But in RL, or even on this site where I've put in a lot of time, it's a little bit more serious and personal. Still though, I don't see why I wouldn't let myself think certain thoughts about those people. Why's it bad?

maybe because if you have to admit that you were wrong about them then that would negate the feedback you'd felt you'd gotten from them?

maybe because if you're wrong about them, then you may have read them wrong regarding other things too, like how they see you, and/or would have to admit you may not really know how they feel about you?

 

[disregard]

I would feel crushed. I can't say what I'd be thinking at that moment, but I'd feel an overwhelming feeling of aloneness and deep hurt.

I've recently been there, and let me be living proof that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

[Ivy]

Do you think this is why you get skittish when relationships get a bit more serious? Like you don't want to let yourself admire someone enough romantically that they have your reigns and could make you feel that aloneness and deep hurt at their whim?

 

[bluebell]

I would feel crushed. I can't say what I'd be thinking at that moment, but I'd feel an overwhelming feeling of aloneness and deep hurt.

And do you know what's under that? Like, why it makes you feel alone? I've found a bunch of irrational beliefs under my various phobias. Once I named them and saw how irrational they were, I made more progress. Dunno if it's the same for you or not.

 

[SillySapienne]

I know the point: power, admiration, praise, attention, envy....

But that's such a hollow and fleeting satisfaction, isn't it?

Can I get a witness?!?!?



Amen to that.

I can say with confidence that my true nature is to be accepting and empathic. I'm sure there are times when I naturally don't feel that, but the meanness is, like Ivy said, a reaction to something else. It's possible that I'm intolerant of that meanness in front of certain people (whereas here on a forum, it's easier to express because there's --

Those with truly accepting and empathic natures do not feel the need to please by putting on a show, those with truly accepting and empathic natures accept themselves, fully and wholly as imperfect "perfect" human beings, and they accept others as imperfect "perfect" human beings as well.

I think that being accepting and empathic, is *part* of your true nature, a *part* that given enough time, self-awareness, acceptance can/will eventually grow.

Being intolerant is *not* being accepting, and it is *not* being empathic. When we are being accepting and empathic, we are being *understanding* of another person, of why they are who they are, and why they do what they do.

Hm. Maybe it's that I don't want to be rejected once people know me. On a internet forum it's easier because there's no less intimacy. If people reject me on a site that I have 4 posts at, I couldn't give a shit because they're not really rejecting me; they don't know me. But in RL, or even on this site where I've put in a lot of time, it's a little bit more serious and personal.

This is quite common. Being dumped after a month, hurts, but being dumped after a year, really leaves a lasting sting. People should not take things sooooo personally, (yeah, easier said than done, I know), but really. When a relationship doesn't work out between two people all that means is that these two particular people don't work well together, that's it, nothing more, no one is at "fault", the two puzzle pieces just *don't* naturally fit together.

Still though, I don't see why I wouldn't let myself think certain thoughts about those people. Why's it bad?

It sounds like you are restricting yourself, and restricting your true nature.

The lack of authenticity is accurate, CC, but it goes deeper than that, I think.

First you must find your authentic self, the more authentic you become, the less pretense you will be willing or able to show.

Yeah, I would probably say I was with school and grades. I was always liked by my teachers too.

I was like this too.

How many siblings do you have? Did your parents give you enough positive attention/affection/affirmation?

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

maybe because if you have to admit that you were wrong about them then that would negate the feedback you'd felt you'd gotten from them?

maybe because if you're wrong about them, then you may have read them wrong regarding other things too, like how they see you, and/or would have to admit you may not really know how they feel about you?

No, but the last line is correct and made me think that maybe this is what's happening:

Everything's going smooth.
I start to feel like something is wrong.
Instead of trusting that it's the other person, I blame myself for not being easy-going or in the moment, or calm.
I try to hide that feeling to get back into smooth sailing, but ultimately can't because I've already started playing the suppression game.

HMMMMMMMM.

Do you think this is why you get skittish when relationships get a bit more serious? Like you don't want to let yourself admire someone enough romantically that they have your reigns and could make you feel that aloneness and deep hurt at their whim?

Almost. I think they're connected, but in the way I said above... that once I get really into someone..

Fuck. I gotta think about this stuff a little bit. I think what I said above is what's happening. I always blame myself and think something's wrong with me. So I try to suppress it all. Because I identify it as unnatural and inferior. So when I'm in a relationship, same shit happens. I got self-conscious, and then turn on myself, thinking I'm fucked up and need to fix something. That's anxiety, and it makes me CRAZY. That doesn't happen outside of a close relationship. Why. Because.... BECAUSE... because I don't have this story that I do this over and over...

bb, that answers your question too, I think. I need to think about this a little more, but I think there's something there. The last part I'm not 100% sure about, but I think it's true. I have this story that "I get nervous around these people" so any discomfort is turned against ME, rather that looking outward to see what in my environment is making me feel that way.

And do you know what's under that? Like, why it makes you feel alone? I've found a bunch of irrational beliefs under my various phobias. Once I named them and saw how irrational they were, I made more progress. Dunno if it's the same for you or not.

 

[INTJMom]

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

There's a lot of different things that could be the cause for your behavior.
I would think most of it is - habits you learned as you were growing up,
for whatever reasons.

I don't know if you feel like you've already put your finger on the trouble,
but one thing you might want to check out is co-dependency.

CoDA World Fellowship welcomes you

Codependency & Recovery from codependent relationships

 

[Geoff]

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

It's a little oblique, but it might help to remember that people will like you for who you are if you relax and are yourself. I can't say I have a cure for you - as with everything psyche related it has to come from yourself - but perhaps you need not try so hard. So, just be yourself. You'd be surprised.

I don't suffer with this, but I've seen it. Validation through others as a means of coping with the enormity.

 

[redacted]

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

i could literally say every word of your first paragraph and be telling the truth.

it probably has to do with something in your childhood -- for me, i overcompensate for not getting enough positive reinforcement as a child. i learned to navigate my relationships in a strategic way (with the goal of avoiding disappointing others) very early on.

i don't know if it's something i'll ever be able to fully turn off.

i think it actually boils down to a feeling that everyone is more fragile than you are -- which maybe suggests something about your childhood? you accept the emotional reactions of others but don't accept your own. you think of yourself as separate from everyone -- they're allowed to have feelings and you aren't.

it's at least that way for me, and all i know is that i have to learn to value my own feelings more and stop thinking of myself as such a robot.

anyway, i'm sure you've thought of all this.

 

[heart]

To be rejected or hurt is to be in the game of life.