Hey [MENTION=18819]five sounds[/MENTION]! First, I'm so thankful for your bravery in posting this.
I follow Jesus too, and have also wrestled with some of what you are talking about. I do agree with [MENTION=21836]Also[/MENTION] about the Struggle, it's good! That said, I believe true life change comes from heart change (not visa versa). That heart change for me, was when I fully realized how freaking much God loved me-- that nothing I could do or be would ever change that, that he accepted me, even in my mess. Once I digested that, and surrendered my hurt and bitterness (over time) there came this crazy realization that a truly full life was about walking with Jesus, and caring about what he cares for-- extending love and grace to all people in his name. Once I realized, and felt that deeply, stuff that used to temp or distract me no longer did. I think it's because I realized the joy and adventure (risk) God calls us to was so much better then any of that!
Do I still fall down sometimes in trying to control my own life? Um, yes. All of the time. Thankfully, our God is so much bigger than that.
Not to add to the books being recommended to you, but I'm almost done with one that has blown my mind and encouraged me in some of the areas you are mentioning. It's called "Love Does" (and no, it's not about deeds) by this guy named Bob Goff, who is the most flaming 7 ever. Haha, I love him. He even literally put his phone number on the last page, and I know people who have called
and actually spoken with him. And sometimes he even followed up again to see how they were doing! Crazy, the guy is the best kind of crazy possible. Highly recommend it.
I'll be praying for you sister-- and I mean I
really, actually will be saying your user name when I talk to God.