[ESFJ] Ask an ESFJ

[Showbread]

When I hear ESFJ one thing that comes to my mind is "popular girl/boy" (at least the younger ones, say high school). I was wondering what you guys think about this stereotype? Does it hold any truth? Was it always easy (having Fe first in your functions stack) for you to make friends?

It definitely wasn't true for me. I was definitely a dork in high school. I was a well-dressed dork, but still a bit socially inept. I had friends for sure, but they were all in band (nothing wrong with being in band!) and similarly nerdy. The difference was, this bothered me, but not them. I always wanted cooler friends, for lack of a better word. Eventually senior year I ended up kind of merging into the school paper crowd, which was nice. I'm still close with a few of the others though.

It think it's worth mentioning that I tested a pretty strong "T" in high school too. It wasn't until sophomore year of college that I started typing ESFJ.

 

[Frosty]

Do you gossip alot? Are you loud all of the time? Do you ever need time to withdraw? How often do you think you use Ne? Does it help to guide you socially, or do you ignore it in favor of Fe? I mean obviously you use Fe more, but you rely on different functions depending on where you are? If you had to guess, what is your ratio of Fe usage compared to Ne usage?

 

[DreamBeliever]

It definitely wasn't true for me. I was definitely a dork in high school. I was a well-dressed dork, but still a bit socially inept. I had friends for sure, but they were all in band (nothing wrong with being in band!) and similarly nerdy. The difference was, this bothered me, but not them. I always wanted cooler friends, for lack of a better word. Eventually senior year I ended up kind of merging into the school paper crowd, which was nice. I'm still close with a few of the others though.

It think it's worth mentioning that I tested a pretty strong "T" in high school too. It wasn't until sophomore year of college that I started typing ESFJ.

Definitely nothing wrong with being in band! My roomy was in band & choir & I was in choir.

 

[Yama]

When I hear ESFJ one thing that comes to my mind is "popular girl/boy" (at least the younger ones, say high school). I was wondering what you guys think about this stereotype? Does it hold any truth? Was it always easy (having Fe first in your functions stack) for you to make friends?

For reasons unknown to me, I was socially ostracized by my peers in elementary school. I don't know why, but I was picked on a lot, all the way from kindergarten until I entered high school and was able to meet new peers. I had friends, of course--that small handful of students who did not care about "social appearances"--and I love them. I'm still friends with all of them today. I wouldn't say it's easy for me to make friends (I get along with everyone, but because of how I was treated by my peers back then it's really hard for me to establish new lasting relationships), but I'm definitely open to the idea of being friends with pretty much anyone. It's almost kind of sad, I really want more friends but I haven't made any friends since high school.

Do you gossip alot? Are you loud all of the time? Do you ever need time to withdraw? How often do you think you use Ne? Does it help to guide you socially, or do you ignore it in favor of Fe? I mean obviously you use Fe more, but you rely on different functions depending on where you are? If you had to guess, what is your ratio of Fe usage compared to Ne usage?

I try not to gossip, but usually if one of my friends or something brings something up I'll go along with it. I tend to just "go with the flow" of the conversation, even if it makes me kind of uncomfortable. I have noticed that I do talk loudly. I was in theatre in high school and had no problem projecting my voice across the room even without a mic lol. When I get too excited I get really loud and I get really self-conscious about it tbh because I feel like I'm bothering people.

I think everyone needs at least some time to withdraw. After a stressful day, I like to go home and just chill in my room. Although, I do sometimes type as ISFJ just because I don't have a lot of energy, so keep that in mind. Social interaction usually only drains me if it's with strangers. Being with friends is relaxing to me, but even then, I need my down time--mostly because I have a bunch of shows and things to catch up on though lol.

I would say I have a pretty good grasp on my Ne. I have a wide variety of hobbies, but am only really interested in a handful at a time. I'll go on binges of specific video games or shows, do nothing but that for a few days, and then suddenly drop it for something more exciting. I'll get this grand idea for a minecraft city or something, work on it religiously for a week, and then stop playing completely because I want to play a different game. I'll go back to the city one day--I just have a mind that works in "cycles" when it comes to my hobbies Although, occasionally my Ne will freak out on me when I'm super stressed out and cause me to panic over the future, almost like inferior Ne. This only happens when I'm in a really bad place, stress-wise or depression-wise. Most of the time, my Ne just acts as a way to bounce from game to game or show to show.

I would also say that my Fe would override my Ne every time in social situations. Fe comes more naturally to me. Fe is what I am constantly using to view the world and other people. Ne only really comes out during playtime/for fun. Regardless of where I am or what I'm doing, Fe pretty much always comes first. My Fe mostly manifests like this: How is this person feeling, is there anything I can be doing to help them, would they appreciate this joke or should I hold my tongue, do they look like they wouldn't mind chit chat or should I leave them alone, etc. I will do anything I can to make sure the social atmosphere is friendly and positive.

 

[DreamBeliever]

For reasons unknown to me, I was socially ostracized by my peers in elementary school. I don't know why, but I was picked on a lot, all the way from kindergarten until I entered high school and was able to meet new peers. I had friends, of course--that small handful of students who did not care about "social appearances"--and I love them. I'm still friends with all of them today. I wouldn't say it's easy for me to make friends (I get along with everyone, but because of how I was treated by my peers back then it's really hard for me to establish new lasting relationships), but I'm definitely open to the idea of being friends with pretty much anyone. It's almost kind of sad, I really want more friends but I haven't made any friends since high school.



I try not to gossip, but usually if one of my friends or something brings something up I'll go along with it. I tend to just "go with the flow" of the conversation, even if it makes me kind of uncomfortable. I have noticed that I do talk loudly. I was in theatre in high school and had no problem projecting my voice across the room even without a mic lol. When I get too excited I get really loud and I get really self-conscious about it tbh because I feel like I'm bothering people.

I think everyone needs at least some time to withdraw. After a stressful day, I like to go home and just chill in my room. Although, I do sometimes type as ISFJ just because I don't have a lot of energy, so keep that in mind. Social interaction usually only drains me if it's with strangers. Being with friends is relaxing to me, but even then, I need my down time--mostly because I have a bunch of shows and things to catch up on though lol.

I would say I have a pretty good grasp on my Ne. I have a wide variety of hobbies, but am only really interested in a handful at a time. I'll go on binges of specific video games or shows, do nothing but that for a few days, and then suddenly drop it for something more exciting. I'll get this grand idea for a minecraft city or something, work on it religiously for a week, and then stop playing completely because I want to play a different game. I'll go back to the city one day--I just have a mind that works in "cycles" when it comes to my hobbies Although, occasionally my Ne will freak out on me when I'm super stressed out and cause me to panic over the future, almost like inferior Ne. This only happens when I'm in a really bad place, stress-wise or depression-wise. Most of the time, my Ne just acts as a way to bounce from game to game or show to show.

I would also say that my Fe would override my Ne every time in social situations. Fe comes more naturally to me. Fe is what I am constantly using to view the world and other people. Ne only really comes out during playtime/for fun. Regardless of where I am or what I'm doing, Fe pretty much always comes first. My Fe mostly manifests like this: How is this person feeling, is there anything I can be doing to help them, would they appreciate this joke or should I hold my tongue, do they look like they wouldn't mind chit chat or should I leave them alone, etc. I will do anything I can to make sure the social atmosphere is friendly and positive.

I get along easily with most people too, but I got picked on (mostly by kids on the bus) when I started school my first couple of years in preschool/kindergarten, so I relate. Most of the rest of elementary school seemed ok for me, minus a few kids here & there. 6th grade was AWFUL for me with bullied, though. The rest of middle school was better & high school was fine. I've come across some pretty nasty people at college, however. I would of hoped people would be more mature by then, but I've meet some 20 something year olds that act more like 10-14 year olds. lol I just wondered, since it seems I always only have about 2 close friends at any given moment.

 

[Yama]

I get along easily with most people too, but I got picked on (mostly by kids on the bus) when I started school my first couple of years in preschool/kindergarten, so I relate. Most of the rest of elementary school seemed ok for me, minus a few kids here & there. 6th grade was AWFUL for me with bullied, though. The rest of middle school was better & high school was fine. I've come across some pretty nasty people at college, however. I would of hoped people would be more mature by then, but I've meet some 20 something year olds that act more like 10-14 year olds. lol I just wondered, since it seems I always only have about 2 close friends at any given moment.

Yeah, most of elementary school was fine for me too since I wasn't physically bullied at least. High school got better because there were new people who didn't know about the apparent "Riley is weird don't talk to him" conspiracy (lol) and I met a lot of wonderful friends there. For the record, I only went to community college, but I was appalled at how many people could be so immature.

I would also say I only have about 2-3 close friends, but I've got a good handful of others who I care about quite a lot. Most of my friends are ISTJs, there are a couple INTJs, and I have an absolute sweetheart of an ISFJ close friend who is like a literal angel, and I can't wait for her to come back from college for the summer (I'm in Arizona and she went to Washington for school). My closest friend is going to the local in-town university. He's an ISTJ. We get along fabulously.

 

[á´…eparted]

Since I am an ENFJ I tend to get ESFJ's fairly well and we share a lot of common ground. However there is one area I have noticed a difference: flying by the seat of your pants. As such I want to ask about ESFJ's here's prospective on this.

What I mean by "flying by the seat of your pants" is being forced to roll with things. By and large, both ENFJ's and ESFJ's want things to be planned and easily forecasted, but it's impossible to know everything beforehand. Both will start to freak out and pitch a fit as impending uncertainty closes in. However, when I hit it and start entering those moments where you can't plan, I sort of just "roll with it" and start working through it in real time. Effectively, defaulting to Se. I don't desire to do it, but it's like I step outside of myself, and start witnessing myself do actions and go through moments without actually thinking about it. It's like a little man climbs inside of my head and starts running me like a robot, doing all the thinking for me. I'll just sort of "get it" and get this feeling of "it will work out" and in hindsight understand why I did what I did, but never while it's actively happening. Somehow things often do "magically work out".

ESFJ's tend not to like doing that, and are actually bad at doing it when they try. That said, they're also equally fine in "going with it" when they have to, but approach it differently and do it differently (I assume by defaulting to Ne, which is a function I can't relate to even just a little bit). As such, when shit hits the fan, you can't plan, and you just have to "do it", how do you do it? Further, is it any at all like what I describe for myself above. If not, what are the primary differences.

 

[Yama]

Since I am an ENFJ I tend to get ESFJ's fairly well and we share a lot of common ground. However there is one area I have noticed a difference: flying by the seat of your pants. As such I want to ask about ESFJ's here's prospective on this.

What I mean by "flying by the seat of your pants" is being forced to roll with things. By and large, both ENFJ's and ESFJ's want things to be planned and easily forecasted, but it's impossible to know everything beforehand. Both will start to freak out and pitch a fit as impending uncertainty closes in. However, when I hit it and start entering those moments where you can't plan, I sort of just "roll with it" and start working through it in real time. Effectively, defaulting to Se. I don't desire to do it, but it's like I step outside of myself, and start witnessing myself do actions and go through moments without actually thinking about it. It's like a little man climbs inside of my head and starts running me like a robot, doing all the thinking for me. I'll just sort of "get it" and get this feeling of "it will work out" and in hindsight understand why I did what I did, but never while it's actively happening. Somehow things often do "magically work out".

ESFJ's tend not to like doing that, and are actually bad at doing it when they try. That said, they're also equally fine in "going with it" when they have to, but approach it differently and do it differently (I assume by defaulting to Ne, which is a function I can't relate to even just a little bit). As such, when shit hits the fan, you can't plan, and you just have to "do it", how do you do it? Further, is it any at all like what I describe for myself above. If not, what are the primary differences.

I definitely hate situations like these. They stress me out. My thinking during these times basically boils down to me trying to give myself pathetic pep talks like "It's going to be over eventually, you'll get to go home and sleep and tomorrow things might be better," etc. After graduating high school and being thrust into the adult world I experienced this a lot, from starting college to finding my first job etc. Since Si is practically useless in situations like these (that's why they're unknown situations, right? Si has nothing to help me out with), I have to rely on Ne and Ti and both are weaknesses for me in stressful situations. I have to keep careful control of my Ne to prevent myself from going into "here are 500 different ways this can go wrong" panic mode. Basically, if it's a situation I don't know how to handle and Si can't help me... maybe Ne can, by trying to brainstorm as many different ways out of the situation as possible. This can be positive or negative. Come up with a bunch of options, predict their outcomes and where they will lead, try to pick the best one... Being carried through situations like these in real-time with no plan and no past experience to guide me basically feel like rip currents. Desperately trying to get out but there's literally nothing to be done and you HAVE to be dragged along so you have to do something, but completely unwillingly. So tertiary Ne can be a blessing or a curse depending on how it's used. Once I develop and mature it more, I'm sure in situations like these, rather than acting kind of like inferior Ne that sees all that can go wrong, it'll help lift me and clarify the situation and predict what I need to do in order to solve the problem and move on.

Don't know if it's like that for other ESFJs, but that's what I do.

 

[EJCC]

^ That's pretty much how it works for ESTJs too, for the record -- defaulting to Ne, and choosing what makes marginally the most precedent-based sense from all the Ne options.

Not all ESTJs are like this, and I don't know if ESFJs are like this at all, but in brand new situations, my immediate instinct is to either do research, or ask for input. Unless the situation was urgent, or I was embarrassed, I'd probably be more likely to ask for feedback, or do research, than I would be to resort to tertiary Ne. Better to do a little extra work to find out the "right" way, than poorly attempt to "wing it" and screw up. (That is, unless we're talking about a situation in which Ne use would be fun and low risk.)

 

[RandomINTP]

[MENTION=19948]Showbread[/MENTION]
(just to get your attention in case you haven't subscribed to the thread)

Do you laugh with your friends for no particular reason other than to be social?

 

[Kas]

I know that ESFJ are friendly by nature, but do you trust people easily? How long it takes you to consider somebody your friend? (I know it depends on person, situation etc, but is it days, weeks, months, years...)

 

[Haven]

I know that ESFJ are friendly by nature, but do you trust people easily? How long it takes you to consider somebody your friend? (I know it depends on person, situation etc, but is it days, weeks, months, years...)

Time depends on my initial "read" on someone, it can be almost instant if I feel good enough about the other person, or it can take a long time. During this time of uncertainty I watch them and how they treat me and other people. I don't see trust as a binary thing though, everyone can be trusted with something, the important thing to me is to see what someone can and can't be trusted with, a "trust map" if you will. What's also important is a person's intentions, I'd forgive someone for lying if they had good intentions, and I wouldn't appreciate the truth if they had bad intentions. I don't think I'd be a person's friend if they had consistently bad intentions or if they were habitual liars.

 

[Haven]

Do you gossip alot? Are you loud all of the time? Do you ever need time to withdraw? How often do you think you use Ne? Does it help to guide you socially, or do you ignore it in favor of Fe? I mean obviously you use Fe more, but you rely on different functions depending on where you are? If you had to guess, what is your ratio of Fe usage compared to Ne usage?

I gossip a lot for a guy, but I think ESFPs have me beat. I'm rarely loud, I know it can be upsetting to others, so I try to save it for when it's appropriate. I frequently use Ne, I can use it in social situations that I already feel comfortable in, though if I overuse it I get myself into trouble so after some time of fun I'll feel a need to bring myself back into balance. I think it's like a 75/25 ratio on a good day. I think I use Si as a guide through socials situations, I have good and bad feelings about things and I try to react appropriately, unfamiliar people and settings cloud my ability to get the feel of a situation and react appropriately and I can start having doubts.

 

[great_bay]

What are your greatest intellectual accomplishments?

 

[HongDou]

I've noticed this with the ESFJs I know so I wonder if this is a common pattern - are you typically less organized than you'd like to be? It seems like ESFJs appreciate structure and organization in their lives (I mean who doesn't, but moreso than the other GTG types), but can get caught up hanging out with friends or pursuing less practical interests that they can forget their own needs and feel too out of control for their liking. I also wonder if this could contribute to ESFJs mistyping as ENFPs ([MENTION=10082]Starry[/MENTION]).

 

[Frosty]

Hmm... Ill ask what I asked in another one of these things...

What got you interested in MBTI? How did you discover it?

 

[Yama]

I've noticed this with the ESFJs I know so I wonder if this is a common pattern - are you typically less organized than you'd like to be? It seems like ESFJs appreciate structure and organization in their lives (I mean who doesn't, but moreso than the other GTG types), but can get caught up hanging out with friends or pursuing less practical interests that they can forget their own needs and feel too out of control for their liking. I also wonder if this could contribute to ESFJs mistyping as ENFPs ([MENTION=10082]Starry[/MENTION]).

I'm probably not the best person to answer this and could be an outlier because I have OCPD but I'll answer anyway. I'm a very organized person. Sometimes people can distract me, if I have friends over I let them trash the place but as soon as they're gone I clean it up and I try to keep is in organized chaos mode as they go. If things aren't perfectly organized I get really stressed out. But at work I tend to not care because all the other employees treat my area (the customer service desk) like a trash can and every time I clean it up the next day it's trashed so I stopped caring. But, overall--very organized.

Hmm... Ill ask what I asked in another one of these things...

What got you interested in MBTI? How did you discover it?

A friend had me take it once and I didn't know what it was when I got my result so I looked it up and just found it interesting. Then I tried to get my friends interested in it... colossal failure lol. So that's why I'm her eon this forum. I've known about MBTI for a few years now and know a lot more now than I did back then. I like it in a "that's a cool personality test" kind of way and abhor when people use it in a "I won't associate with you because you're x type" kind of way. To me, it's basically a game or a way of narrowing down how a person KIND OF it, but even within types there's so many differences.

 

[DreamBeliever]

In what situations does your inferior Ti show? How would you say it manifests itself?

 

[great_bay]

Are you romantically interested in INFP's?

 

[Yama]

In what situations does your inferior Ti show? How would you say it manifests itself?

Mine is not developed very well, so really only when I'm very stressed out. I'm not sure how to explain how it manifests itself. Poor logic that, since subjective, is hard for others to follow?? Being unable to articulate what I mean? Well, to say the least--it is very, very bad. Lol!

Are you romantically interested in INFP's?

I could find myself being romantically interested in any type. However, (and this is where individual sexual preference comes into play, regardless of type) I would only ever date an INFP who I was already close friends with. But that goes for every type for me.