INTJ Female Talks About Being Viewed as Cold and Heartless

[highlander]

• This is how one INTJ gets whens she feels misunderstood. Many times she is using my Te (extroverted thinking) to figure out what to do when someone is struggling emotionally or what have you. Fe is something that does not come naturally, but it is not that she don't care.

 

[Attire]

I get called those names very often! They will call me everything they can think of. I've come to just acknowledge that the particular person doesn't have a full understanding of who i am and is thus not worth my time nor effort in further communication.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

I think it can be a common NT problem, although because of cultural expectations, I could see how it could be more annoying for women.

The other day, the lady said she felt exhausted and drained... and I wasn't sure if I should just ask more questions about what was going on, give her space, or just provide distractions in forms of jokes and musings. I went with a combination of all three. Fortunately, I don't think she's the sort to accuse me of being cold, uncaring, distant, robotic blah blah blah.

 

[Coriolis]

I get called those names very often! They will call me everything they can think of. I've come to just acknowledge that the particular person doesn't have a full understanding of who i am and is thus not worth my time nor effort in further communication.

I can't remember ever being called these sorts of things IRL, just oddly on the rare occasion online.

I think it can be a common NT problem, although because of cultural expectations, I could see how it could be more annoying for women.

Why would it be more annoying for women? It might be more commonplace, but when done to men I suspect they would be just as annoyed.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

I can't remember ever being called these sorts of things IRL, just oddly on the rare occasion online.


Why would it be more annoying for women? It might be more commonplace, but when done to men I suspect they would be just as annoyed.

I suppose that's what I meant. It's more common, I suspect. I know that I find it annoying, so it's not hard for me to imagine other people being annoyed by it.

 

[Chthonic]

I couldn't watch it because video's shit me mostly and I found her talking really tedious. Can anyone summarise? Or if this is a summary....

Many times she is using my Te (extroverted thinking) to figure out what to do when someone is struggling emotionally or what have you.

Yeah I can't help myself with that either. If someone talks to me about a problem my brain just goes into problem solve mode. How you feel about it? Yeah that's the conversation to have with that person over there because I'm useless at just nodding and saying....too bad.

 

[laterlazer]

Happens to me too, more recently than in the past actually, I think secondary school years people were just nicer, or maybe I was... I mean personally I've just accepted that comforting people and responding to emotional needs is not my thing. A lot of the time I don't say anything because I'm trying to decide what the best approach is, I hate saying generic things to people that I don't think actually reflect my true thoughts, then I know that some of the things I want to say are probably not helpful or won't do any good. I think most of the time I'm just silent and saying 'You'll be fine' or something equally useless and if I want to attempt a physical contact thing I pat them on the shoulder/back which is probably more awkward than hugging if I think about it. I think I usually try to help by doing things for the other person to feel comfortable and generally helping them out, since I don't know what to say I go for the action route. My worst nightmare would be to be alone with someone when they found out some shocking news like someone they're close with died, so far there's always been people better at handling this around when that happens.

Last week I had someone tell me I have a heart in there somewhere though so that's good progress

 

[HisKittyKat]

Haha, I can so relate to her Her Fi is blocking her from being able to really describe herself emotionally and how it makes her feel when she can't help people in need. Her Te is trying though, but Fi is such a deep function, words don't come easy. I feel the same way in terms of helping others, not on a day to day kind of way. I can easily help people with things they need, maybe advice, or in ways that don't make my Fi uncomfortable and awkward. I think it shows up in times of consoling others, like if they have a death in the family. I just don't know how to be of any help in the emotional sphere, so I end up saying nothing. I would rather be silent than say the wrong thing and leave that to any Fe in the room. I can picture myself hugging a person who was upset and not letting go for the fear of having to say something that will make them feel better. I leave all this to people I know can deal because I know I'm of no use in these emotional situations.

 

[Jaguar]

There are cold and heartless INFJs.

 

[ceecee]

Tired of this stupid stereotype but I don't try to stop people from thinking it either. My feeling is that my actions carry weight, even if I can't articulate it as well as I want. The Fe users can keep their uppity claim on understanding feelings but when the rubber meets the road - I don't crumple in an overwhelmed heap of emotion when faced with others' pain.

 

[Reborn Relic]

I identify with this but I'm not INTJ, hah. Not sure about the taken advantage of bit though.

I will say it's to some degree an image thing in my case, though. Like, I don't like just saying "yep" or "that sucks", which are the options I have in those situations, hah.

 

[FemMecha]

I can see a lot of sensitivity in her. I also get a very strong sense that her cultural environment is very at odds with her natural self. She appears to be subjected to a great deal of conformity pressures. She has referred multiple times to "now I'm complaining". I don't hear any complaining, so I am assuming that someone in her environment tells her that as well. There is a weird dynamic I have seen socially - if you ever express that you care about being perceived as "nice" or you care about not being perceived as "cold", people will sometimes latch onto that and do exactly that to you. I think it is because people like to feel as though they make an impression, so if they think they can impact you emotionally, they will do it to feel significant or powerful themselves.

I have seen people who feel cold, and in my perception she is very different from that. I suspect she is quiet and non-responsive when encountering an emotion or need in others because she described trying to analyze the situation first. Someone who is actually cold is not going to give it any thought or concern. Cold people are dismissive and dominating in the face of vulnerability.

 

[Edgar]

• This is how one INTJ gets whens she feels misunderstood. Many times she is using my Te (extroverted thinking) to figure out what to do when someone is struggling emotionally or what have you. Fe is something that does not come naturally, but it is not that she don't care.

Couldn't really pay attention to any of her points and arguments because I kept getting distracted by that prominently featured cat shitter in the background.

 

[Coriolis]

I can see a lot of sensitivity in her. I also get a very strong sense that her cultural environment is very at odds with her natural self. She appears to be subjected to a great deal of conformity pressures. She has referred multiple times to "now I'm complaining". I don't hear any complaining, so I am assuming that someone in her environment tells her that as well. There is a weird dynamic I have seen socially - if you ever express that you care about being perceived as "nice" or you care about not being perceived as "cold", people will sometimes latch onto that and do exactly that to you. I think it is because people like to feel as though they make an impression, so if they think they can impact you emotionally, they will do it to feel significant or powerful themselves.

I felt bad for her in this respect. She seems to be letting this get the better of her, catering to these folks sensitivies/manipulations at the expense of being herself. Somehow I managed to avoid that for the most part.

 

[Cellmold]

I felt bad for her in this respect. She seems to be letting this get the better of her, catering to these folks sensitivies/manipulations at the expense of being herself. Somehow I managed to avoid that for the most part.

People who expect reciprocated interactions (that is reciprocation that they approve of & expect, right down to minute body language and movements) are some of the most dangerous to those who pay the least attention to them.

We've had a series of complaints recently about the male staff in our retail store. And the pattern appears to be a kind of whinging (which our manager doesn't take seriously outside of a curiosity about who is sending them due to the same, fake, name being used) around the behaviour of our male staff members. Mainly these appear to be claims of rudeness or bluntness, or "turning their backs to the customers" which didn't make much sense since you have to turn around occasionally to get spirits or cigarettes off the shelf behind us. Otherwise I don't know what they are talking about as I, nor anyone else, has ever witnessed a staff member actively turning their back on a current customer with deliberate intent.

From the pattern I observed the general claim was one of "an element of indifference or rudeness" but never a specific clarification about what that entails.

It gives the impression of the type of person I outlined above, who will take exception to not being treated with some assumed generality of behaviour. Such people are the ones on whom the fullest of my sarcasms are turned.

 

[EcK]

• This is how one INTJ gets whens she feels misunderstood. Many times she is using my Te (extroverted thinking) to figure out what to do when someone is struggling emotionally or what have you. Fe is something that does not come naturally, but it is not that she don't care.

I've always seen INTJs as kind of the "NF" of the NTs. I'm not sure why precisely, I guess I find that while I personally have emotions as well - being of a mammalian persuasion - I find that INTJs seem to me to be more driven and influenced by their emotions than most NTPs I know who rather use emotions as a 'perception' tool more often than a driver of action and one's perspectives.

 

[FemMecha]

I felt bad for her in this respect. She seems to be letting this get the better of her, catering to these folks sensitivies/manipulations at the expense of being herself. Somehow I managed to avoid that for the most part.

She probably is experiencing more emotional vulnerability than the average INTJ, but she also seems rather young, and the people doing this may be quite significant like a mother or boyfriend. She may not be responding to general social pressures, but something more personal and focused.

 

[Despotic Ocelot]

Finally, I get to see how the fabled INTJ talks in real life. That video goes down as being the first INTJ I have ever seen lol. I felt like I finally came face to face with a unicorn hahaha

I was most interested in seeing it because I wanted to know if the perfectly manicured, textbook, scrupulously punctilious manner of speaking utilized most prominently by people such as [MENTION=9811]Coriolis[/MENTION] , would carry over to real life. If it did, then that would really set one aside as markedly different from others haha.

But from what I saw, she sounds just like everyone else, and doesn't seem 'especially different'. Maybe it would be more apparent through knowing her over the course of a more sustained period of time.

 

[FemMecha]

A former brother-in-law of mine was an INTJ and his demeanor was a bit robotic - he was pretty much lost to, and powerful inside, World of Warcraft. He stood very straight, wore button up shirts to work, had a slow, steady gaze, and never experienced anger.

I would say that the girl in the video has a softer vibe than average for INTJ. Some I?TJs can have a strong, harsh vibe like Sheldon Cooper from "The Big Bang Theory" comedy, which is also different from my former brother in law.

INTJs come in all rainbow flavors of blues, greys, and blacks.

 

[Coriolis]

Finally, I get to see how the fabled INTJ talks in real life. That video goes down as being the first INTJ I have ever seen lol. I felt like I finally came face to face with a unicorn hahaha

I was most interested in seeing it because I wanted to know if the perfectly manicured, textbook, scrupulously punctilious manner of speaking utilized most prominently by people such as @<a href="http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/members/9811.html" target="_blank">Coriolis</a> , would carry over to real life. If it did, then that would really set one aside as markedly different from others haha.

But from what I saw, she sounds just like everyone else, and doesn't seem 'especially different'. Maybe it would be more apparent through knowing her over the course of a more sustained period of time.

I find this person to be unusually timid and lacking in confidence for an INTJ. I don't disagree about her type, and think her manner is due to external influences in her personal life, as already discussed, that cause her to second-guess herself more than normal. IME the manner of speaking in the video below is more typical and closer to my own. (On the other hand, I could just be a special snowflake.)

Whether this woman would stand out in a crowd depends strongly on the crowd. There are small clues that can add up, but you have to be looking for them and they are far from conclusive.