I'd be curious what you have to say, since I'm also a 478 ENFP and probably Sx/So, so I'm curious in what ways I would relate.
I actually think you might be sx/sp.
Mainly because, while you have a very similar "sticks out" quality to you, and people like you much like they did her, she really popped out at you from the screen (she was a member here) in a way that you, I dunno, there's a similar way in which you are both fascinating creatures, that stand out, but yours is a little more subdued, a little more calm, a little more withdrawn.
With yours, it's like, you see the fire burning, and you can feel the warmth, but you don't necessarily feel it blasting against your face.
With her, you felt the fucking heat coming straight at you and all around you.
It could be, tho, that she was 4w5 7w? 8w7 (I believe).
[MENTION=17911]Animal[/MENTION], do you think this is a tritype thing? I'm wondering if maybe sexual fours with the counterphobic six head are more like I said, while those with the nine gut are looking more for someone to save them in the Disney princess sort of way.
And I think sexual fours all try and want to be better, like all fours, but sometimes it seems like it's beyond their control. I know I try and want to be better with my problems, but it isn't often the case.
Well, regardless, [MENTION=17911]Animal[/MENTION]... sexual fours are extremely idealistic when it comes to relationships. Also, I doubt anyone would ever call them 'easy' or 'low-maintenance', as I have been called. That would be because 1. I'm not quite as idealistic when it comes to relationships (I still am, but not as much). 2. I keep my frustrations for the most part internalized.
Sooo, yeah...
She was definitely not "easy" or "low maintenance".
She was an awesome girlfriend in many regards, and in many ways was actually easy and low maintenance.
But emotionally, absolutely not. Emotionally, she was, as you say, a tornado.
I was her rock, and was able to withstand most of it, but, eventually, just practically, it no longer made sense.
It's kinda like what you say with the "I'm not a wife"?
I mean, no offense, but how would I possibly explain the hissing to my SJ family?
On her end, it was always a problem of whether she could get herself up to emotionally making it to the family events, and then, if she could, whether she could not act like an absolute emotional idiot (i.e., super selfish, not able to control herself emotionally, etc) when she was there. Y'all's emotionality is just so central to your being, and sometimes that shit needs to be suppressed, if you want to live anything resembling a practical life. Self-control and emotional suppression are kind of hallmarks of my family, and I don't know if there's anything more opposite of that than an sx enneagram 4.
And, don't get me wrong, I'm actually a total fucking weirdo.
I am not like other people.
I am totally the NJ black sheep of my family.
But I do have a career that is much more mainstream than "artist".
And my family are a bunch of SJ guardian pillars of society who judge the shit out of people who don't carry their fair share of the load (and by that, I mean "suck it up, stop whining, and do your job -- you have a responsibility, now do it - no bitching").
So, yeah...
Wrt idealization of relationships: it seemed like nothing would ever be good enough for her. She was addicted to suffering. Literally had stuff about it written on her walls. How are you supposed to be with someone like that? Someone who
wants to be depressed about life/their relationship not living up to what they want it to? Let's just say, the experience kinda burned me out on 4s. Don't get me wrong, I fucking love them. There's an intensity, especially from the 4 sx's, that matches up with my own sx 6 intensity, and the sex and the playing around alone at home time and the going out time... all of it was fucking phenomenal. But life really just did not seem practical in the long run. And it still doesn't. I wish it could. But I just don't think it ever will.
She, like you, had a brilliant (as in genius, not as in good) father. Not of the rock star variety; he was just a doctor. But he was supposedly a genius (and, frankly, from everything I heard, sounds like one [IQ probably in the 160-170 range]). He also sounds like an incredible asshole (and I believe it, as he had 10 different kids with 6 different women), and was a combination of absentee, emotionally distant, and emotionally abusive. This is really the worst of it all, because she really is a brilliant creature, and I think he really did a lot of damage to her. Unfortunately, combined with her 4ness, she uses it as a crutch, and constantly pulls the victim card. As I said before, I come from a hardcore SJ household, where playing the victim is just about the most unacceptable thing one can do, and it was basically ingrained in me to despise any such thing from a very young age. I think I'm pretty fair, actually, when it comes to it, as I never just accepted (and, at one point, completely reevaluated) everything that was taught to me, and I try to be truly understanding to different peoples' circumstances, but there is no question or denying that she simply would not let this go, and that not doing so was doing, and would continue to do, serious damage to her. She had this vision of who she was meant to be, and it was like she constantly was thinking about how she wasn't that person, and was never on the right path to become that person, and it was because she was a victim of an emotionally abusive father. The emotionally abusive father part was correct, but the rest of it she was repeatedly inflicting upon herself.
Fours are very hard on themselves like ones, and with the line to one there is a focus on improvement. I think the one fix will make a four more rigid, like you look at them and there's almost a SJ quality, kind of something fussy or proper. Conversely, an eight fix is just more solid, I think, with an element of 'don't fuck wit me.' - Not in a reactive six way, but in a more nonverbal way.
Well, I knew the above was answering some part of what brainheart wrote.
I keep my frustrations for the most part internalized.
She did some combination of this, which was extremely frustrating (I called it "going into her shell" or "clamming/crabbing up" -- she would get like an f'n hermit crab, and just stop talking -- at all -- it was awful. I would be there, showing myself to be there for her emotionally, asking her to open up, and she would not. Or would do so barely. I associated it with her being swallowed up by a sea of inferior Si.
At other times she'd be the opposite, tho, and throw all kinds of shit at me (emotionally [mostly]). This is where I saw the problem with the 8-wing. Cuz I don't back down. There is literally no making me back down, so it's just absolutely pointless to even try. It's like [MENTION=10082]Starry[/MENTION] said in
this post: it's like I've got an army behind me, and I'm fighting for what's right, not for might. 8s, by contrast, fight for might. And, sorry to burst the 8s' egos, but, one who fights for something bigger, not just themselves, but something they genuinely believe to be universally true, and just, and right, has a tenacity and a willingness that goes above and beyond whatever capabilities 8 egotism believes itself to have. Combine that
with a strong 8-wing, and I've literally never once backed down from anything. My friends know this about me. My family know this about me. One lifelong friend once even told a girlfriend of mine in college, "Just never try to get into a power struggle with him, and everything will be ok." (<-- it should be noted that I believe this friend [an ENTP 9 who always resented me for being the alpha male, as he was always the guy furthest down on the totem pole] grossly misinterprets just about everything about me, and that I'm really not about dominating, or maintaining power, but that, if I see something that I believe is wrong, not only will I absolutely not let it go, but I can pretty much always make an extremely strong case for why it is wrong, and I will not let it go til we have talked through that case, and you either have presented me with information as to why I am not seeing it correctly, in which case, I will adjust my perspective [and this does actually happen; this particular ex was actually pretty successful in this regard], or you will come to admit that what I am saying has merit, and genuinely apologize, at which time, I will pretty much forgive you and let it go on the spot [and I'm actually surprisingly good about this], or you will not, in which case, if you cannot present me with alternative information or an argument that shows that what I am saying is not true, or is not complete, or is missing some important element, and are thus just fighting for fighting's sake, or don't care about right and wrong, and just want to win for winning's sake [might over right], then the issue will remain and be unresolved, and the relationship will be headed for an inevitable conclusion).
Problem is, 8-fixers can't really help but get themselves in power struggles, from what I've seen (previous girlfriend was an ESFP 783; most recent an ENFP 872). At one point, around 6-8 months in, I think, she said something like, "It's just not worth getting into fights with you." It was oddly nice the way she said it, like that she really cared about the relationship, and had enough experience with our fighting to do a cost-benefit analysis, and realize it just wasn't worth it. And I appreciated that. But there was also this weird degree to which I thought it was kinda the beginning of the end. Like, she needed to be able to dominate, or something. And without the ability to do so, the relationship would not work. It wasn't entirely like that. There were times where it seemed like she'd come to grips with it in a healthy way, and things calmed down a lot. But yeah, from what I have seen, y'all 8-fixers like to fight. And if you're not allowed to win, it almost seems to take something from your soul. Like, you become a broken mare. Before, you were free, and could do whatever you want, and no one could stop you, and you had no limitations to place upon yourself. And something gets lost when you finally have to give that up. When your feeling some way was not enough to simply justify any behavior. When reason actually came to have just as much precedence as emotion (or superego over id and ego). And 8s and 4s are actually the same in this regard, as they are one another's mirror (being 4EI and 8IE), so having both of them within the same trifix is just that much more a recipe for a fiery kinda character.
Anyway, that was all kind of all just a long dump.
Hopefully, you got some use out of it.