Looking at how I go about my life, but in particular, my relationships, I do see how I tend to try to control the outcome of things as much as possible, without always realizing it. I have a particular outcome in mind--mostly keeping things running smoothly--and I try to optimize for that. But in doing that, I'm unconsciously/subconsciously/consciously making other people into puppets in my play. I'm not giving them any real say because I'm always working towards the outcome I want--not wanting to deal with the messiness of real life, or real people. Not taking into consideration that others might enjoy dealing with the messiness.
And before anyone starts with the "yeah, but's", I'm not saying that I shouldn't ever do things my way. Sometimes my way works pretty well.* It's just that when I'm not aware that I'm doing this, I'm not open to even CONSIDERING that there might be another way and that that way has just as much merit and validity as mine does. Also, I need to own the fact that I can be controlling in this way, so that if other people try to tell me that I'm doing something they consider controlling, I can at least see how that can be. Then, if I go ahead with doing it my way, it's my choice and not their fault.
ETA: *And I find, that my way in CONJUNCTION with other ways, actually ends up working much better than my way alone.
Here's the thing (from my angle): I agree with this completely.
But I tend to mirror people. I only really ever end up feeling the need to 'control' where someone else is already ahead of me in that regard. Around people who are judgmental and controlling- even if their self image is that of a totally laid back, nonjudgmental person who
thinks they live by 'each to his own' precepts....I don't mirror how people prefer others see them, I generally really do mirror what people actually
are. And the first paragraph up there^ about clamping down and leaving no room for someone else to have any real say- that's totally how I get around people who have some need to control the shared reality between us. This is true to the extent that I have to actually avoid/write off certain people because interacting with them turns me into something I don't like.
But people who
are laid back and who actually
are fair-minded and easy going (and who don't need to control any single thing about my perception or my judgment, who genuinely ARE laid back and nonjudgmental)....I mirror that too. For me, experiential data collects about people- not of the image they want me to have of them, but of how they ACTUALLY treat people- and that's what I hand back. People who want to control anything about my judgment/perception get locked out; people who let me have my judgment (which is to say,
even if I'm wrong- no skin off their nose, they just let me experience *wrongness* without feeling threatened by it- the truth always eventually surfaces so there's no need to control it) are almost never perceived as a threat.
There's something about this "INFJs lock people out where there's a truth they don't want to see" business is.....being strangely emphasized right now. Yeah, sometimes it's true. Is it- statistically speaking- true more often than when INFJs lock people out because those people are being controlling (usually without beginning to realize it)? I have no idea. I do know that I actually
like getting constructive criticism-
and I can't help that I notice when it looks like criticism *might be* actually serving some other (ego/defense mechanism) function for the person offering it (again, often without them knowing it). The strange, almost desperate need in this thread for INFJs to 'get it' is making the whole thing smell bad. If it's the truth, then it'll still be true later right?
tl;dr: I agree with what you've said, I just find it nearly impossible to give this kind of leeway to people who demonstrate any need to be the 'puppetmaster' themselves. I just don't see "growth" on the other side of that. It looks more like 'enabling' to me than 'growth'.