The Parent, The Child, And Enneagram

[KLessard]

This mostly fits, but not the bolded part even remotely. I would never describe my parents as "demanding" or "dominating" - I mean, come on, they're INTP and INFJ! I'm bossier than both of them put together! It just doesn't really work.

What happened was this: my parents considered me to be an unusually intelligent and capable kid, so they encouraged me to achieve and they gave me more responsibility than other kids might have. Because I aimed to please, I took on that responsibility right away, and have kept it ever since. There was no dominating involved.

So... I guess this is just me being picky about phrasing? I'm curious as to what the other type Ones think...

I'm a Responsive One.
I can relate to the bolded part, but my Active ESTJ (type 8 Challenger) mother was critical and domineering about it, somewhat expecting me to accomplish what was in her exacting personal agenda and thinking she was really doing the right thing by punishing me constantly when I failed or complained. I relate perfectly to the demanding part. I felt burdened all my childhood, often wishing my life were easier and carefree like many other children's lives. Once, my big ISTJ brother told her: "Hey, she's a kid, this isn't the army!"

The expectations and responsibilities your parents put on your shoulders perhaps produced the self-controlled, hard on yourself type One attitude, even though they were nice about it. You are possibly a healthier One than I am, too. I've had depressive phases.

 

[EJCC]

"Hey, she's a kid, this isn't the army!"

That last statement is actually similar to something that I heard from a friend once, when my mom had a bossy moment with me over the phone. The friend said something along the lines of "You're one of the most responsible people I've ever met, and I don't know why anyone wouldn't trust you to get things done when they should be done." Which gave me warm fuzzies

And I guess that's dominating behavior, that I just described, from my mom. But I've actually had more experiences from the other side, than like that. For example, I've had a lot of interchanges with my parents that went like this:

Me= "Oh my god I'm so sorry I got home late I forgot what time it was and it was just so much fun to spend time with friends and we didn't do anything shady I promise we didn't and I hope you didn't worry nonstop and and and -"
Parents= "Oh no, we didn't care. No big deal. You're good."
Me= "... wait, what??"

But I think I was freaking out about that because there had been ONE time a while before when I'd gotten home late and my mom was there and got irrationally mad at me because she had been worrying herself into a motherly downward spiral ("What if she's in danger? What if she got raped?? What if she's dead???!?") when she should have just gotten to bed early. So that wasn't being dominant at all, on her part, but when you're a "good kid" and you just want your parents to be happy, that can be traumatizing.

The expectations and responsibilities your parents put on your shoulders perhaps produced the self-controlled, hard on yourself type One attitude, even though they were nice about it. You are possibly a healthier One than I am, too. I've had depressive phases.

Sounds fair to me. It seems like NFs raised by unhealthy SJs have one of the more upsetting family dynamics out there. I just wish the phrasing was more fitting towards nice parents, and not just scary parents.

 

[mrcockburn]

My mom: 6w7 (VERY low 7, but non-existent 5, she's really a pure 6)
Dad: 4w5 (died while I was young)
Stepdad (raised me predominantly): 1w2

If my mother could choose, I'd be a 6w5.
If my stepfather could choose - 5w6

But I'm a 3w4. *shrug* I also test frequently as 8w7. Too bad for them!

 

[Stansmith]

I was definitely an active child, and my parents alternated between responsive and neutral at certain points in my childhood.

On one side I can remember being a spoiled kid who'd get his mom to buy him whatever toy/video game he wanted and my mom really tried her best while raising me. On the other end, there were many times where I had to be on my own, or felt like I wasn't getting sufficient attention from my parents due to work. I spent sh-tloads of my time outside with friends.

 

[thoughtlost]

Oh... Maybe I don't know how to use this article to analyze my childhood; I'm confused =/

From what I can understand from it, though, is that I should have turned out to be E1? I don't have perfect memory of my childhood, but I think my father influenced me the most. I assume this because even my mom would worry doing something that would get her in trouble with my dad. My dad used to give me summer homework (and no I am not asian, lol) and he would yell at me. I don't recall what his words were too well, but he'd just keep on focusing on how "wrong" I was. I don't think he paid too much attention to my successes. I remember one time I got all As for the first time ever and I was excited. I told him and he'd smile and be okay with it, but there wasn't nearly as much energy into congratulating me compared to when he was yelling at me. I worry more about doing the wrong thing when I was younger, so I'd hide my bad grades. Lol, I remember the time I got put into summer school and when I found out I cried like there was no tomorrow; I thought it meant that I was the worst thing in the universe.

But other than that, I was quietly friendly at home. I never made much of a scene and I tended to follow my sisters' lead since they always seem to do the right thing.

At the same time, my father's presence was not consistent so I "got away" with indulging myself (...my favorite activity as a kid was to just sit on the couch and stare out of windows...) and reading and getting lost inside my mind. I watched a shit ton of television, though. The only responsibility I ever had was just not getting Cs. ...I never strived to do the correct thing or to make them notice me.

And now... I sound like a 9, haha. I'm starting to think that I don't exist as a human (jkjkjk).

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

I've seen this one before--it's an interesting and fresh take on the idea of each type having a childhood pattern. It gets us out of the Frustration-Rejection-Attachment way of looking at how we are formed.

It kinda works in my case, too. Kinda. I'd say I was an "Active" child, and my mother was "Neutral", which I think is the formula for 4-creation. But she was far more "Responsive" before she got married to my step-father, so we're looking at different patterns at different times. My earliest (and perhaps most formative) years were formed by Active child + Responsive parent, most likely.

I personally am strongly of the belief that the personality is set before we're born, and your perspective of your childhood is caused by your type rather than the type causing your childhood. I feel like my childhood set latent 4ish things into motion, but most of this happened at the hands of my peers rather than that of my family. If I ever see a "childhood scenario" that takes peers into account, I'll reconsider my stance.

 

[five sounds]

Interesting ideas for sure. I'd say my parents were pretty Active and I was pretty Responsive. I don't have a 1-fix at all, but the dynamics changed as I grew up. I still stayed responsive in nature to some extent [super invested in my relationships with my family, relentlessly working for peace and understanding, and trying to cooperate whenever I could], but my parents didn't want me to have as active of a social life as I felt I needed, and there was a lot of friction because of that. I wound up doing what I wanted despite their disapproval, and trying to get them to see my side or come to some sort of mutual understanding when they came down on me. So while I still have a responsive attitude towards my parents, I've always held on to doing it my way, not the way they think I should be. So now I'm a 7, and my parents respect my style of living a lot more than they used to since I've proven to be a well functioning adult despite our different priorities and modes of operating.

 

[011235813]

Hmm. My mom is a blend of active and responsive (I perceived her as more active growing up, basically the way a 2 can be active) and I'm neutral/responsive but more neutral. My dad is definitely neutral (e5) but I grew up in a single parent household so he wasn't a very big presence.

The 9 description fits how I felt growing up quite well except that it makes my childhood sound terrible, which it really wasn't.

Neutral child vs. Active parent
This scenario is thought to produce Enneagram type 9

The Neutral child is often overwhelmed and frightened by the controlling, domineering Active parent. Lacking self-assertion skills, he prefers to withdraw and stay out of the way, minimizing his own needs and avoiding the parent as much as possible. On the few occasions the child reaches out to the caretaker, he ends up feeling rejected and bullied around for no apparent reason, which causes him to withdraw again. The loneliness, however, also feels like rejection and soon enough the youngster will be ambivalent towards both being alone and being with others.

Most of the time, a compromise will be made. This type will seek out company but will not invest themselves in it, preferring to keep in the background and go with the flow, partly removed from their actual situation. When alone, they will avoid introspection, which will bring about old feelings of depression and rejection, instead they'd rather numb themselves out with food, TV or other unimportant routines to avoid emotional pain.

 

[Avocado]

Interesting ideas for sure. I'd say my parents were pretty Active and I was pretty Responsive. I don't have a 1-fix at all, but the dynamics changed as I grew up. I still stayed responsive in nature to some extent [super invested in my relationships with my family, relentlessly working for peace and understanding, and trying to cooperate whenever I could], but my parents didn't want me to have as active of a social life as I felt I needed, and there was a lot of friction because of that. I wound up doing what I wanted despite their disapproval, and trying to get them to see my side or come to some sort of mutual understanding when they came down on me. So while I still have a responsive attitude towards my parents, I've always held on to doing it my way, not the way they think I should be. So now I'm a 7, and my parents respect my style of living a lot more than they used to since I've proven to be a well functioning adult despite our different priorities and modes of operating.

It's been similar with me, but I ended up with somewhat strong 9w1 and 4w3 fixes, too.

 

[Avocado]

It's been similar with me, but I ended up with somewhat strong 9w1 and 4w3 fixes, too.

I have wondered about 2w3, 2w1, and 4w5, though, too. My heart fix has been hardest to pin.

 

[small.wonder]

Yep, I think this theory does make sense, but I do have a question: Do any of you find that your type and the types of your siblings don't have the same parent type (though you do have the same parents? If so, might you explain it with events that shaped your parents' behavior? Or by factoring in your wing?

Before I even saw what the recipe for 4 was, I knew that as a child I was Active. But to reflect on my own aforementioned question, my parent type should've been Neutral while my e6 brother's should have been Responsive-- yet we have the same parents. As much as that seems like a problem, I think it makes sense. My Dad was kind of MIA somewhere in the corporate world in my growing up years. Because of that, my brother acted out (can't really blame him) and became a giant handful for my Mom. So while she was Responding to him, I felt Nutrality from both my parents. In reality my Mom didn't neglect me, but all the energy my brother's behavior required made me feel overlooked. Thus, siblings can experience different "parent types" while having the same parents.

To take it even further: by incorporating our wings my brother was a Responsive-Active child, and I was an Active-Neutral child. Our parent types were Responsive-Responsive (his) and Neutral-Responsive (mine), which I think makes sense. He's older than me, and my parents were both more Responsive earlier in the game.

I've seen this link before, but still find it very interesting! Any other sibling comparisons that you guys have made sense of?