[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

[burymecloser]

Thanks, all.

I have no fricking clue what to write at this point, but I'll start working on it.

Vasilisa, your post sort of tears at my heartstrings. You sound so melancholy. One of the reasons I like this forum is that it reminds me how different people are. An INTP who acts like my ex did is usually not being very nice, but it sounds like INFJs are likely beating themselves up about it.

Thanks for sharing and for all the input. This is why you're my favorite type.

 

[ergophobe]

Awesome.


To all the incredibly kind INFJs who have contributed valuable time, mental and emotional energy to this thread - thank you. It is really appreciated. It is very indicative of your kind. All the INFJs I hold dear have always gone above and beyond the call of duty for their loved ones and for the not so loved ones too

Thank you for your words of comfort and for carefully analyzing and explaining your own behavior or views on events shared here.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Doorslam smiley understands us.

 

[HollyGolightly]

I've actually met someone who has helped me with this doorslamming business...and he doesn't even know it

 

[Esoteric Wench]

I've actually met someone who has helped me with this doorslamming business...and he doesn't even know it

HollyGolightly, can you please explain a bit more? I don't understand.

 

[SillySapienne]

I was doorslammed by an "E"NFJ.



He is 35 and still alone, he did me WRONG, and the karma police will do what they will with him.

At this point, I feel bad for him, I do hope he finds the perfect love he seeks so hard to find, but how can you find love if you don't let anyone in?!!?

 

[Esoteric Wench]

I was doorslammed by an "E"NFJ. He is 35 and still alone, he did me WRONG, and the karma police will do what they will with him.

At this point, I feel bad for him, I do hope he finds the perfect love he seeks so hard to find, but how can you find love if you don't let anyone in?!!?

So true. So true.

 

[HollyGolightly]

HollyGolightly, can you please explain a bit more? I don't understand.

Before I couldn't face telling people they had hurt me..I had a real problem expressing my wounded feelings so I would just shut people out. Most of the time thay hadn't even realised that they had upset me and our friendship would end up falling apart because I had failed to communicate properly.
I doorslammed my INTP back in December. We were just friends, hadn't hit it off in that way but I was going through a really rough time. I also doorslam people when I am having problems as I feel too embarrassed to admit I'm not holding it together puls I feel like I am a burden if I ask for help. So I doorslammed himm along with a lot of other people.
I got back in touch with him during the spring and he was really nice to me, and I was shocked because I just left without warning so I was expecting him to shout at me or something. We started talking and I began seeing him in a different way. He told me how much me doorslamming him had hurt him. For him to admit I had hurt him was a big deal for him....and for me. I was absolutely mortified, and I couldn't apologise enough. I told him the reasons and he understood and he started asking a lot of questions. He is of a very curious nature, so he was just being himself. The question mainly centred around why I doorslam, how I feel etc and without knowing it he has really helped me out. He made me realise that if I do reveal that somebody has hurt me, they will more than likely feel upset and say sorry and then we can rebuild our friendship. We've fallen out a couple of time too, and I was tempted to doorslam but he stopped me and insisted that we solve the problem and talk it through. He reminded me that people can't read my mind...which I really needed reminding of because I kinda expect people to know how I'm feeling
So basically thanks to him I deal with conflict a lot better now. And I realise I don't always have to be "strong" and solve my problems all by myself. There are people that care about me and actually want to know what's wrong and dont' see me as a burden at all.

 

[LotsOfHeart]

Well, from my experience, I don't think I've ever really doorslammed anyone.

Doorslamming is basically an avoidance tactic. I have been tempted to do it before, but the only legitimate reason for an INFJ to really do it is, in my opinion, if they feel that the person is destructive, be it physically, emotionally, etc. There are destructive people out there, don't kid yourself, and in those situations if someone is so toxic you can't bear to tolerate them anymore for your own good, it's probably best to avoid them.

There are those people who can just suck the life out of you if you were to spend too much time around them. These people are usually narcissists, petty, sociopaths, psychopaths etc. That said, the touchy INFJs who doorslam a lot of people at the drop of a hat (like Esoteric Wench's original situation) in my opinion are incorrect in their decisions.

Doorslamming is really a last resort tactic. You shouldn't do it unless you really have to, otherwise, before you know it you've alienated all of your friends and you don't have any. Everyone needs friends. Plus, you'll naturally lose touch with a lot of people anyway, so if you aren't particularly wild about a person, nature usually has a way of taking its course.

 

[HollyGolightly]

Doorslamming is really a last resort tactic.

It is. People have stereotyped INFJs a little bit a I feel..thinking we doorslam all the time. You have to really push me before I get to that point.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Just to clarify, and because the point bears reiterating, I do not think that most INFJs doorslam in unhealthy ways.

Nonetheless, I think non-INFJs in general, and ENFP's in particular, have a hard time understanding doorslamming. So please do not confuse non-INFJs struggling with understanding doorslamming (either in a healthy or unhealthy context) as the same as INFJ condemnation.

I think that my pain with unhealthy INFJs did come out in a few of my earlier posts. And, these INFJs were not at their best when they did doorslam me. But I've come to view these as painful, though valuable, learning experiences.

One of the most powerful ways I've grown to understand myself is by understanding my INFJ mirrors. INFJs and ENFPs are such fantastic foils. We have the exact same hierarchy of functions, only the energy direction is reversed.

ENFP — Ne > Fi > Te > Si
INFJ — Ni > Fe > Ti > Se

By better understanding INFJ doorslamming, I have come to know better my own ENFP excesses... such as me not seeking closure in my relationships often enough. I learned that if I let my judgment of people hang open too long, this brings on its own uniquely ENFP hell.

LotsOfHeart was right in saying that there are indeed destructive people out there. Had I sought more of a sense of closure, earlier on in certain of my relationships with unhealthy people, I would have avoided a lot of pain and heartbreak. If only I had kicked these goobers to the curb earlier than I did.

So I don't want to stereotype all INFJs as irresponsible doorslammers. At the same time, overzealous doorslamming does seem to be a predictable weakness in the INFJ's psychological makeup... like failure to set clear boundaries is in mine. Let me quote my own post from earlier in this thread:

Whatever the reason for shutting the door, I’ve come to accept that for INFJs doorslamming is a valid choice... even if it goes against the very essence of my ENFP sensibilities. All INFJs doorslam to some extent. It is a natural choice based on their unique mix of cognitive functions.

But an unhealthy/immature INFJ may engage in doorslamming in maladaptive ways. The real problem comes when the INFJ overindulges in doorslamming. When cutting off contact with another person becomes an easy answer to the complicated process INFJs must undergo to process incoming information and navigate discomfort in their relationships.

I read once that Introverted Intuition is akin to a framework for understanding. Every time new information comes into the INFJ’s psyche, they must reprocess the entire framework to incorporate the new information. This is a very laborious process. Thus, to conserve mental energy, INFJs will sometimes dismiss new information if they judge it’s a rehashing of something they've processed previously. If the INFJ isn’t careful, they will fall into the trap of dismissing outside input too readily.

In other words, some INFJs use Fe to serve the needs of Ni by rejecting new information. A more healthy, balanced approach would be for Fe to judge whether or not the INFJ's framework is still valid given the new information coming in. This takes more mental work, but it is critical for a healthy INFJ.

An INFJ who uses their Fe to serve the needs of their Ni, rather than to check its excesses, will be rigid in their life stance. Such an INFJ may come off as opinionated, dismissive, snobbish, or arrogant. These INFJs see only what they want to see and are sorely lacking in humility.

Thus, these unhealthy INFJs will doorslam people who threaten their framework (aka Ni). (This is just another a way of dismissing outside input isn't it? By killing the messenger?) This is kind of doorslamming is unhealthy, needlessly hurtful, and just plain immature. Not every INFJ does this, but the ones that do need a good kick in the *ss.

 

[HollyGolightly]

Oh I was referring to what people have said to me personally. I've met a lot of people on forums and they say things like: "You must be Queen of the doorslam because your INFJ" or if I show my discomfort at something they have said: "Oh I suppose you're gonna doorslam me now because that what you INFJs do." But I do attract unhealthy and stupid people.

And I didn't read your post, Esoteric Wench. But I totally agree with what you said.

 

[LotsOfHeart]

.

Had I sought more of a sense of closure, earlier on in certain of my relationships with unhealthy people, I would have avoided a lot of pain and heartbreak. If only I had kicked these goobers to the curb earlier than I did. :

LOL goobers

 

[Lightyear]

Whenever I read the thread title I automatically finish it in my head with "you probably deserve it".

Just saying, I personally don't doorslam lightly at all.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Whenever I read the thread title I automatically finish it in my head with "you probably deserve it". Just saying, I personally don't doorslam lightly at all.

Then, I'm sure you don't, Lightyear. But let me ask you to consider these two phrases:

#1
"Disappointing people come in all MBTI flavors." - Marmalade.sunrise <---- One of my favorite kernels of truth that I've read on this forum. In other words, not every INFJ is emotionally healthy. Doorslamming is value neutral. It can be used for good or bad. Just because the door was slammed, doesn't mean the slam-ee deserved it. There are a few unhealthy INFJs roaming the streets out there.

#2
"No one ever got electrocuted on a wire they thought was hot." INFJs (like all NFs) care very much about doing the right thing.* I'm sure that almost every INFJ who has doorslammed someone felt like this was the right call. If they didn't believe the person deserved it / it was the best thing to do, then the door would not have been slammed.

However, that doesn't mean that doorslamming was the only option, or even the best option for the INFJ to pursue. I think that what I've learned is that sometimes it is, and sometimes it's not.... And, that if INFJs err... they are going to err on the side of the overly reactionary doorslam. All personality types have their inherent strengths and weaknesses. For example, ENFPs are going to err on the side of not doorslamming soon enough. <---- I've never done this. No sirree bob.


*I'm not saying other temperaments are more prone to behave unethically than NFs. It's just that NFs have a particular, uniquely NF consciousness about doing the right thing. NFs are all about intentional living. So part of that intentional process is running a value check on what they do... before, during, and after they do it.

 

[Arclight]

My question is this.. Why does it seem almost incomprihensable to INFJs that perhaps it was something in their own behavior that caused a behavioural reaction in the person they ended up doorslamming?

INFJs in this thread seem to be olblivious at times to the effect they have on people. This has already been touched on in a positive light. In that maybe INFJs underestimate their value to others. It stands to reason then, that maybe they underesitmate the effect of their nagative and innapropriate behaviros as well.
An Insecure INFJ can really bring out the insecurities in others. a Conflicted INFJ can end being rather hypocritical as they struggle with their inner conflict, as well as deflective, if others recognize their struggle.
This can be very confusing to those who love them and it brings out some their own self preservative and defensive behaviors in reaction.
Someone telling you they love you, while their behavior says otherwise, will eventually bring out a negative reaction in almost anyone.

 

[milkyway2]

Wow the more I read this forum the more I think I am an infj. But either way, I have done this to multiple friends. Just stopped talking to them and cut them out of my life. And I'm notsure why I did it every time, but a couple was because they were getting too close/ clingy.... I guess I just need a lot of space and when I felt like they were too up in my business I just decided to not be friends with them anymore...

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Wow the more I read this forum the more I think I am an infj. But either way, I have done this to multiple friends. Just stopped talking to them and cut them out of my life. And I'm notsure why I did it every time, but a couple was because they were getting too close/ clingy.... I guess I just need a lot of space and when I felt like they were too up in my business I just decided to not be friends with them anymore...

It might be worth mentioning that a few of us INFJs who've posted in this thread are enneagram type 5, and e5 types are usually INTPs. So it wouldn't surprise me if some INTPs can strongly relate.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

Z Buck McFate, I think you bring up a good point here.

I only recently began to delve into the Enneagram. However, I've already come to respect that knowing someone's enneagram brings to the table another dimension of understanding of that persons behavior that is not forthcoming from MBTI alone.

I'm 7w8 so. (I hope I wrote that correctly.)

 

[Sailboat]

I have cut contact off before as a means to think things over alone and to come to a decision about something, but I returned after coming to a conclusion. A permanent doorslam is my last resort after exhausting other avenues.