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  1. #11
    That's my name biotch! JoSunshine's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009


    It sounds like you are objectifying people based on their "usefulness" to you. Friendships ebb and flow and people are sometimes the needed and sometimes the needy (in a balanced relationship). The friendships that are lasting, IMO, are based on emotional connection, commitment and acceptance of each others differences (all differences are not "flaws"). Otherwise you end up treating people (and being treated) like a piece of furniture that can be disposed of when it's usefulness has passed.
    "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. " - Dr. Seuss
    I can't spell...get over it

    Slightly ENFJ, totally JoSunshine
    Extroverted (E) 52.5%........Introverted (I) 47.5%
    Intuitive (N) 65.63%..........Sensing (S) 34.38%
    Feeling (F) 55.56%............Thinking (T) 44.44%
    Judging (J) 51.43%............Perceiving (P) 48.57%

  2. #12


    Quote Originally Posted by Kai View Post

    Yeah. It's definitely a fine balance. You don't want to end up feeling like it's just a one-sided friendship as that just develops resentment. Might be a little unfair asking NFs who are meant to be 'idealistic' but I've found the best method is just to have little expectation and do things for others without expecting anything back.

    It reminds me of my cousin. "Oh... I'll lend 100 to friends without expecting it back. If I receive it back then it's all good. If not, then I won't hold it against them." Suppose he was a good judge of character though so people usually returned back the money. But my initial look:
    Yes, that's actually a good method. And it does work, but it also takes some work to get to that place where you can really feel willing to have little expectations. It's kind of liberating once you get there. I haven't really gotten there myself, yet, but I like to think that I am moving towards it. It's like accepting the best from the situation and discarding everything else that might start holding you back.

  3. #13
    mrs disregard's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007


    First of all, it takes two to drift apart.

    Secondly, what is so reliable about maintaining friendships so long as the other person is of use to you?

    Things that are truly worthwhile require effort. If you do not want to be disappointed you must push your relationships to the standards you set.

  4. #14
    One day and the next Rainne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010


    It's important to see the good in people, not the flaws.

  5. #15
    heart on fire
    Join Date
    May 2007


    Quote Originally Posted by sketchymcsketcherson View Post
    Sometimes this situation manifests itself after a few months of friendship, when I realize I am more intelligent than the person and find him or her to be almost like a leech sucking the life out of me. Now, I realize this might sound really arrogant or heartless, but it's the truth. If I could fix these thoughts I would, but I can't. It's just the way I feel.
    Is this the sole reason for friendships? Mental stimulation? If mental stimulation were the guiding force in seeking and maintaining friendships, it is not surprising then that they would fall apart eventually. The two people learn all they can about each other, they know each other's M.O., they've heard it all. They move on.

    My opinion? You're avoiding emotional intimacy and the cycle won't end until you learn why.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Chloe's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009


    I understand many things from OP.

    I think it's subconsciously codependency issue... searching perfection in others etc..wanting all in some relationship... though i cant even begin to understand why is more common in INFs..

  7. #17
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009


    I'm going to focus most on Situation 3 because it's exactly what I'm going through now and I'll hopefully be able to help you.

    My issue with my friend was this: she was my best friend, thus, I possessed the compulsion to be completly open with her. [I'm extremely all or nothing in relationships; it's hard to fragment myself around someone I'm close to.] The problem was, she /hated/ everything I was passionate about (poetry, literature, plays, music, etc). Whenever I did share these said topics with her, she had no input. At all. A "wow" or a "lol" or an "okay" perhaps, but that was it. If I invited her to one of my plays or tried to get her to read one of my poems, she would oppose it to the death, even if she knew that it was important to me. [Then, even if she did 'tolerate' it, I would recieve no input.] It was absolutely maddening and I felt extreme discontentment in our relationship.

    So... I vehemently concur that intellectual stimulation is important.

    1. Don't expect one friend to fulfill you completely. It's impossible. You'll always need to express different sides of yourself around different people. Make new friends and it will take a LOT of the pressure off of the other friend. But, again, I concur that it's hard to fragment yourself.
    2. Find someone you have a lot in common with from the beginning. It's hard to see the importance of commanalities at the start of a relationship, but your friendship will NOT thrive without a shared passion. Find someone who is as passionate about your ideas as you are.
    Everybody needs love.

  8. #18


    Timely thread. I'm going through friendship issues in a major way with two people at the moment.

    I think disregard's comment about something being worth it requiring effort is very true. This is why I've chosen to point out the issues to these two friends that I considered "best/close" friends up until a month ago when their behavior changed drastically.

    It's going to take a lot of conscious effort on both ends for the friendship to survive, and I've done enough with one of them. I'm waiting for results from him. With the other person, I'm going to confront her soon with my concerns for our friendship. I think both of them are worth preserving, so I'm willing to stress out about this.

    Other friendships are come and go, and I like getting to that level where you can see someone after many years and pick up where you left off, but that kind of intimacy and connection cannot be developed without some effort (natural or otherwise).

    Quote Originally Posted by No Exit
    I once read that over the course of an average lifetime, we will personally interact with around 20000 people. We will however on average, form a life-lasting bond with around 2-8 people(not including family) over the same course of our existence and that most of those bonds will be formed over the age of 25.

    People change, their needs change, their values change and the roads we travel change.
    I can see how this would be the case in many situations.

  9. #19
    Senior Member Eckhart's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010


    Hm. I am right now thinking what to answer. Apologise if my post doesn't look very structured.

    I know what it means to feel disappointed by friendships, because my friendships disappointed me all too. I can certainly relate to scenario 1, because most of them went like that for me.

    I cannot however relate to scenario 2 and 3. It doesn't work like that for me. Yes, I cancelled friends out of my life because they just disappointed me too often in a way that they play wrong with me and don't treat me like friendships should look like. But I did not do that for people who aren't flawless, because no one is, neither am I.

    I don't even think I demand too much from a friendship. It is just, none of my so called friends seemed to treat me like any of their other friends, and I see that friendships can be very uncomplicated, yet people won't just leave you alone all the time and favour other people over you every time, if they at least take any worth in you. That they show some bit of loyalty. I cannot say that I ever had such a friendship in my life yet.

  10. #20
    A passer by yvonne's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010


    wow... i agree with JoSunshine. you expect wayyyyy too much from friendships, if they become a problem, rather than something positive in your life.

    step 1. accept your loneliness
    step 2. realize that even though you are alone, you're not... everyone's alone and no one is
    step 3. see where you can connect, maybe you both like sushi?
    step 4. no one is perfect!
    step 5. it's not the point
    step 6. balance
    step 7. honesty, first with yourself and then with others
    step 8. concentrate on the positive
    step 9. take pleasure in other people's happiness

    i've always thought that positivity creates positivity. give people a chance. they're just like you, even though they aren't. lower your standards, because if you don't, you'll be lonely, depressed and paralyzed. ease it up.

    listen to yourself, know that enough is enough. take care of yourself, because that's your first priority. if you're lonely, maybe get a dog?

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