Meow! 4w3.
I was in drama class in high school, but I'm not a "drama queen," you know what I mean? I don't like to be all bitchy and start drama just to watch everybody burn. Those kinds of people you usually only see in movies. I hate people like that.
I agree with ayoitsStepho...
...we can put on masks to fit in. If anything, we're probably really good at it. Which is suckish for me in identifying myself. If you've spent your whole life being different people so you can fit into different situations, you don't know WHO you are. Thats how it is for me.
And its not because we want to screw people over and be fake. Its because we need the closeness to people and if they see we're actually not like them, we feel we could be dismissed and maybe even scoffed at. I've never felt like I relate to people and at my inner core, that is what I deeply desire.
Its weird too because I feel like I need others to tell me who I am because I dont know...and yet I'm putting on different personalities so they really dont see me.
And yet, I fear that if I do share my soul and heart with someone....they wont want me. I suppose that is why I tend to put a smile on and just go with it, but alone I'm one of the saddest people.
...wholeheartedly.
And it's not like I put on amazing, super flamboyant masks to be viewed as a goddess or anything. I just want to be seen as normal, NOT A FREAK, even though inside totally I am. There's the dichotomy, paradox, whatever again.
I see the good parts in other people, admirable parts, and try to assimilate those qualities. I see the best in others and compare it to the worst in myself. Makes for an unfair comparison, I know. I'm trying to be more positive about it, not let it get me down too much. It's just part of my quest to get all the yuckiness out of me.
Other than that, the thing that Blackcat posted is spot on.
I've noticed I personalize everything for my friends, the people around me, whoever. By that I don't mean making personalized gift items (although that is fun.) I mean personalizing myself, in the things I say, the way I treat people, even down to my tone of voice and body language, tailored to what I think these people want from me. I feel like such a puppet sometimes, and I bring it on myself. :crazy: