She has nothing to apologise for. She asked you to do something for her. You did it. Then you threw a tantrum. She's probably waiting for you to apologise/grow up.
This about sums up the situation. All the rest is presumptive smoke and mirrors. Not sure she is really waiting for (i.e. expecting) anything from DJ now; she may simply have moved on.
People who content themselves with apologies are too easily appeased. Whether or not someone is sorry for something they've done carries little weight with me. The best guide to future behaviour is past behaviour.
Yes, an apology is just words. I don't necessarily hold people's past behavior against them, but they have to show the intent and the means to change. I will then watch to see whether they make good on this. The important part of an apology for me, then, is where the person shows an understanding of how and why the event occurred, and how they plan to avoid it in future.
This is something that came up indirectly in one of those epic Fe/Fi battle threads (that always provide the best insights). I think there is an element of truth to it: Fi users aren't terribly good at apologising*. This doesn't mean we're not sorry or that we wouldn't apologise if we knew it was seen as hurtful or selfish not to. We're just not as good at the whole, "social courtesies for the sake of social courtesy" thing. We don't always know when we're meant to do and say certain things. We don't always get (or agree) that there are universal rules about human interaction because it seems so contextual to Fi. Fe way can seem like going through the motions; like reading empty words from a script that someone else has written and that we don't entirely understand the need for (or perhaps even what lines we're meant to say). I say my lines and you say yours and somehow that makes things better? It can feel so forced and hollow; we would rather find some other way to remedy things that feels more genuine and real - to speak from the heart. This is not just for ourselves but for others too, because the scripted way can seem like we're being disingenuous to them.
This is my view entirely, especially the highlighted. I learned plenty of these scripts as a child, and still feel like a complete fake when I use them. It is very hard for me to say something I don't mean, or that I don't even understand (how can I mean it if I don't understand it?) On the other hand, I don't want to insult people or hurt their feelings for no reason, so I will sometimes just say my lines and be done with it. You are right, though, that the best course of action is to find a more genuine response. With only tert-Fi, though, that can be difficult, though the type of explanation Nicodemus describes is usually straightforward and comfortable.
Yeah, but this is part of the problem, though. If one explains too much it can sound like justification. So I've learned, anyway.
Then it is has not been explained correctly. An explanation is exactly that: here is what happened, just the facts. A justification adds a value judgment: it is OK that it happened; I am not wrong. I will often preface such an explanation by saying it is not meant to justify or excuse, just to help the other person understand the situation, and show them that I now know how to avoid doing the same thing in future.
Justifying the intention is fine, but you can't really justify causing the reaction (even if it was accidental). Sometimes the apology is for the result, not the motive.
Yes, I am always willing to apologise for the negative effects of my actions on others, since that is never my intent. Even when I do something that I know will hurt or inconvenience someone else, I regret that aspect of it, and wish it could be otherwise. I make such choices only when there isn't another way to get the result, much as the dentist sometimes causes pain in repairing problem teeth. It needs to be done, but he apologises for any attendant discomfort. I also will apologise when I hurt someone out of ignorance, not realizing how my actions would impact them. In such cases, it helps if they can explain their side of the situation. Then my ignorance is corrected, and I am much less likely to hurt or offend them this way again.
They feel bad because they made the other person feel bad- due to some unintentional slight or such. "I shot the arrow o'er the house." Thus to apologise is to convey that the consequences were unintentional (rather than malicious). This isn't necessarily a selfish act, unless you believe the preservation of good relations is always selfishly motivated (and I'm not suggested an argument couldn't be made for that).
The preservation of good relations often does arise from self-interest, which is not necessarily bad. Apologies are thus both for the "guilty" party and the wronged party, just as forgiveness is for both as well. Both are ways of repairing the connections between people, after they have been disrupted in some manner.