Hm.
Honestly the whole situation is kind of strange to me... it seems like quite a bit of drama over essentially very little exchange. You hit on her... she kind of rudely asked you to throw something away (could have even be goofy/haughty flirting)... you said something snappy and then doorslammed her for a month... then she was super nice afterwards. It kind of sounds like back-and-forth overreaction on both of your parts.
Am I wrong to attribute this to Fi/Fe difference? or am I just dealing with people who don't care about what I think?
I don't think it's really either of those... If anything, it makes me think of how from the female perspective, sometimes it can get kind of old being hit on by guys - being hit on is somewhat of an intrusion, after all, even if a flattering one - and one reaction to that is to become snooty when you're hit on, both to discourage "suitors" and also to test how interested they actually are. I don't know at all if she was doing that, but I've reacted like that before, and not out of any malice.
And following that, I think it's surprising that you threw it away from her and got mad afterwards. Not that it's necessarily a "wrong"/bad reaction, but it's not really logically consistent, either. You seemed to have felt like it was an inappropriate request, but you honored it anyway.
As for the theoretical question about Fe/Fi, internal states, and apology -
I think Fi tries to
read internal states. Fi is acutely aware of one's own internal state and learns the signs of internal states in others. I think Fi users tend to possess the assumption that most people would rather express their feelings when they decide to, not when someone outside pressures them to, so they try to get an idea of each others' states and act accordingly, so as not to have to pressure others to share their personal feelings before they're ready. Whereas I think Fe relies more on the assumption that it's polite and preferred to ask and directly inform one another, especially since Fe feeling states are generally much more clear and readily expressed than Fi feeling states.
Relatedly, for apology, I think Fe/Ti people are more likely to think in terms of the cause-effect of "how I caused hurt" and to apologize for seeing their responsibility in the pattern as being a broken link in the chain. I think Fi users are more likely to note others expressing pain and to feel sad that they're feeling pain, and then apologize as a result. So I imagine the Fe apology may come sooner, as soon as they realize damage was enacted, while the Fi apology may take longer, after they realize how they've caused another to feel pain. Theoretically.
But a lot of low-key Fi users I personally know are pretty apologize-y all the time, so I don't know that I'd really cement this one as a Fe/Fi thing. I think being apologizey also goes along with the territory of lower self-esteem and being less apologizey goes along with the territory of being very self-assured. In this case the ESFP sounds very self-assured, so I wouldn't really expect much apology.
That all said - If you didn't talk to her for a month, I understand why she wouldn't apologize. There wouldn't really be a point during non-communication, and then later it would be uncomfortable and confusing to try to know whether you would want it brought up or if you would prefer to not have to think about it again.
Coriolis said:
I will often preface such an explanation by saying it is not meant to justify or excuse, just to help the other person understand the situation, and show them that I now know how to avoid doing the same thing in future
This is very useful, Coriolis, thank you. I've had two bosses - both ExTJs - tell me that I excuse/justify myself or my actions, but in my mind, it's clear that damage has been done and I'm trying to explain what led to the situation - why I made the decisions that I did. I'm not trying to get out of being in trouble, just trying to make it clear what I
am responsible for and what I'm not. I'm going to use this sort of preface in the future to avoid creating that impression.