Why is love not high up on my agenda?

[CzeCze]

I do, too. And it can be very dangerous for someone who attracts/is attracted to women who often have emotional problems, substance abuse problems, are younger and more immature, etc.

Wow, I've said it before and I'll say it again (and again if you keep posting like this!) -- you were soooo made for Hollywood, dood. Hahahaha.

Because love is a waste of resources, and you intuit that.

Noooo, don't say that my IX brethren!

Take it from the EF's romantic love pursuits can be gooey and light and fun or all consuming and drive you mad -- but I don't think they're necessarily a waste of resources.

I guess it depends on if you see romantic relationships and connections as worthwhile and meaningful in themselves or they are a means to an end or need to achieve X, Y, Z to be 'successful'. Or if there is some kind of 'pay off' buried within the other person and the relationship that you need to find.

I mean, the reality is that most romantic relationships end before the death of one of the partners, lots of relationships last several months to a few years if that. I don't think they're necessarily failures though if they end.

It's about the journey, Dana! The journey! And don't you like harelquin romance novels? Ha, no neither do I.

There are lots of kinds of love, and lots of ways to characterize and understand romantic love. At it's best, love is healing and transformational and about actualizing indviduals (like Sub mentioned) and creating something bigger than the sum of the parts.

As for resources -- yeah it does take a considerable investment and commitment to someone and the relationship for a you know 'serious long term relationship' and that is more taxing and confusing for some people than others. Some people are serial monogamists, being partnered is very natural and easy for them. For others, it just seems like a lot of trouble.

But even if in theory it sounds like too much trouble, when you meet a particular someone, you will naturally expend the energy and start making commitments because it's what you really desire. Basically, you want to.

 

[redacted]

for me, love is (subconsciously) about filling a void. (my first GF died while we were together, so it makes sense, yeah?)

i think about it all the time, but thinking about it doesn't make it more likely to happen. i'd much rather invest my mental resources in something else; it would be much more efficient. but i can't seem to help myself.

you're lucky, man. if you're content where you are, you're better off than 95% of people.

 

[disregard]

Noooo, don't say that my IX brethren!

Take it from the EF's romantic love pursuits can be gooey and light and fun or all consuming and drive you mad -- but I don't think they're necessarily a waste of resources.

I guess it depends on if you see romantic relationships and connections as worthwhile and meaningful in themselves or they are a means to an end or need to achieve X, Y, Z to be 'successful'. Or if there is some kind of 'pay off' buried within the other person and the relationship that you need to find.

I mean, the reality is that most romantic relationships end before the death of one of the partners, lots of relationships last several months to a few years if that. I don't think they're necessarily failures though if they end.

It's about the journey, Dana! The journey! And don't you like harelquin romance novels? Ha, no neither do I.

There are lots of kinds of love, and lots of ways to characterize and understand romantic love. At it's best, love is healing and transformational and about actualizing indviduals (like Sub mentioned) and creating something bigger than the sum of the parts.

As for resources -- yeah it does take a considerable investment and commitment to someone and the relationship for a you know 'serious long term relationship' and that is more taxing and confusing for some people than others. Some people are serial monogamists, being partnered is very natural and easy for them. For others, it just seems like a lot of trouble.

But even if in theory it sounds like too much trouble, when you meet a particular someone, you will naturally expend the energy and start making commitments because it's what you really desire. Basically, you want to.

I know, without love, I would not be who I am today, for I have learned so much being put through the proverbial love washer with a handful of rocks to boot.

I would never deprive myself of love, but alas... in this very moment I am not in love and I am happy. Not the intoxicated type of happiness that comes from love, but a stable, self-sufficient happy.

Nevertheless, I look forward to my next adventure in love.

Cheers to you CzeCze for seeing through my bs! Those who denounce love only do so because it turns their world upside down.

 

[sriv]

Love is insane. Too bad I am sane. I am missing out. Dana: Uberfuhrer says hi.

 

[Ezra]

Romantic relationships are not the only source and definition of "love". Romantic relationship are a very specific aspect of "love".

I know, but I'm referring primarily to "getting a girlfriend". I mean, I'm starting something with this girl at the moment, but I'm not sure I'm interested in her enough to get anything serious going. And this in turn makes me question; "do I actually care about romantic love?" I feel like I have the other kinds of love; my two best friends provide me with brotherly love, my family familial love, and some good friends of mine who are girls give me platonic love. What I'm missing is platonic love, but I feel as if it isn't really an issue.

 

[Butterfly]

I know, but I'm referring primarily to "getting a girlfriend". I mean, I'm starting something with this girl at the moment, but I'm not sure I'm interested in her enough to get anything serious going. And this in turn makes me question; "do I actually care about romantic love?" I feel like I have the other kinds of love; my two best friends provide me with brotherly love, my family familial love, and some good friends of mine who are girls give me platonic love. What I'm missing is platonic love, but I feel as if it isn't really an issue.

Youre just not that into her!!!

 

[Nocapszy]

for me, love is (subconsciously) about filling a void. (my first GF died while we were together, so it makes sense, yeah?)

You didn't tell me that was your first.


Ezra -- you probably have more important things you'd like to take care of. Not that love isn't important, just that you prioritize. It's not important right now which is, assuming you're as old as I think you are, reasonable.

I'm not all that motivated for love either.

 

[sriv]

Love could just be overrated.

 

[umop_3pisdn]

I'm interested in romantic love, I just think it's kind of common of our culture to make it seem like the end-all-be-all as far as the attainment of happiness goes. I view it as a supplementary thing. If it's all I have I'll always be chasing that high, because the thought of not having it would make me feel "empty," and then maybe I'd maybe get into flawed relationships, in the pursuit of that feeling, and end up in the same bad situations over and over like some people I know. It almost seems like you find love more easily if you don't actually care.

I'm alright with being my somewhat overly picky self. Sex is easy enough to get outside of relationships, and not just one night stands. My friends are all pretty open about sex, and often enough we begin... "exploring the boundaries of our friendship." In my case (I'm gay), in general, there hasn't been too much difficulty drawing the line between sex and love.

I don't mind this sort of arrangement, as opposed to one night stands, which strike me as purely mechanical and lacking that more cerebral element, most times. There's affection and a level of personal interest, since we're friends and we respect each other, and we can push each other's buttons psychologically (due to familiarity), but it's also bit more impersonal, since neither of us is getting too attached.

It's hard for me to imagine maintaining contact with someone on the level that I would probably have to, in a romantic relationship. It's just hard for me to imagine wanting to spend that much time with anyone. It's nothing personal, it's just 90% of my hobbies and world view are ridiculously individualistic. I'd also sort of like to pursue a spiritual path someday, and I think it would be hard to find someone compatible with my values and plans for the future.

So, it basically boils down to... I'd love it if I found someone who I could fall head over heels for. But that's essentially the problem. Either I'm overlooking someone due to being too selective or walled up, or I'm not too selective and they just haven't made themselves known to me. On some level, I don't really expect it to happen.

edit: Also, on the whole of love, and not just romantic love... I really enjoy feeling pure compassion for my fellow human beings. It really makes life way happier and more burden-free. Having friends you are able to respect on a level similar to yourself is just so awesome. Fraternal/Platonic love is amazing and magical, I could easily live on that alone. But I'd definitely need something. Without love I'd probably be some neurotic, malevolent freak.

edit2: Excuse the nature of my post... I kind of spaced and thought I was posting in the relationships subforum...

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

I dunno why, but romantic relationships simply aren't important to me. I don't feel deficient in any way; I'm just interested to know the cause, and whether anyone else feels like this (and maybe if it's type related too).

I think there are some people who can understand their needs and even make progress in eliminating them by confronting them. To be honest, I haven't read too too many of your posts yet, but you don't strike me as one of these people.

My ultimate best guess is that like many INTJs that I've met, your defense mechanism of choice is intellectualization, and you're avoiding some fear. I hope not, because life is more pleasant when people confront their fears, but still, that's my best guess.

I know, but I'm referring primarily to "getting a girlfriend". I mean, I'm starting something with this girl at the moment, but I'm not sure I'm interested in her enough to get anything serious going. And this in turn makes me question; "do I actually care about romantic love?" I feel like I have the other kinds of love; my two best friends provide me with brotherly love, my family familial love, and some good friends of mine who are girls give me platonic love. What I'm missing is platonic love, but I feel as if it isn't really an issue.

...and your fear would be sadness, maybe from going through the process of breaking up with someone. Never pleasant.