Why do you have deficit of self-esteem?

[Lady_X]

i'm uncomfortable feeling like i have low self esteem but i will say that i'm aware of both my strengths and my weaknesses and the weaknesses don't make me feel great.

 

[Moiety]

Low self esteem only applies to stuff I can't really change about me. Not being able to be really evil once in a while pisses me off sometimes.

 

[Jeffster]

I don't anymore. When I was younger I had low self-esteem because I thought of myself as cowardly based on my inaction at times of opportunity.

 

[tibby]

So, why people have problems with low self-esteem?

during child's development, is linked to e.g.: the quality of child's attachment to his/her primary nurturer and to their social competency when they get to interact with their peers. The basis of self-esteem is in the child's relationship with his/her caregivers.

How it develops, how does it show itself, what are the child's strategies / temperament / personality and how those affect, how does the environment support the child (what does low self-esteem estimate? will it influence the child's behaviour with her/his peers? -> more withdrawing -> getting bullied more probable?)

The first sensations of another human being and how that person perceives you, do they pamper/dismiss etc? the body language etc (mirroring of the emotions of the caregiver)

Another crucial developmental stage in puberty.


I read about an interesting theory on how narcissism develops and how there are actually two kinds of it: thick-skinned narcissim and thin-skinned narcissism (latter meaning a very low self-esteem and behaviour, that is very submissive). But that's another subject already

 

[Mole]

Self esteem is the mirror of the perception of the other.

This is precisely what self esteem is.

So self esteem is the ideology of conformity, of the taken for granted, of what others think of me.

The ideology of self esteem is designed to weaken us and break us in for society.

Self esteem makes narcissism respectable.

While the antidote for self esteem is self respect.

Self respect must be earned yourself, while self esteem is given to you by others.

Self esteem is simply a trap to get you to do as society wants.

In fact self esteem has become a State Ideology as the State of California has instituted a Commission for Self Esteem.

Those whom the Gods want to destroy are first made mad with self esteem.

 

[Totenkindly]

during child's development, is linked to e.g.: the quality of child's attachment to his/her primary nurturer and to their social competency when they get to interact with their peers. The basis of self-esteem is in the child's relationship with his/her caregivers.

Object Relations.

I'm not sure it's all that, though, unless you also include the child's relationship with herself.

For some reason, some people maintain quite a high level of self-confidence and certainty of themselves even when their caregivers inadvertently undermine it; instead of trusting the caregivers opinion, they trust their own. (So they respond to their own faith within themselves.)

People who are impacted negatively by the caregiver's opinion are impacted only because they permit it and because the opinion matters to them so some inexplicable reason.

 

[NewEra]

I have high self-esteem, and I'm proud of who I am.

 

[ZiL]

I don't anymore. When I was younger I had low self-esteem because I thought of myself as cowardly based on my inaction at times of opportunity.

I agree with this for myself right now. It's not as much feeling cowardly for me though, more just feeling in some way incompetent. If other people can take on opportunties, why shouldn't I? I'm really trying to fight this now.

Mostly because I have such high standards that I set for myself and myself only, and I can't always fill them. Also, peoples' reactions can really effect me. Not as bad as I was, though.

 

[tibby]

For some reason, some people maintain quite a high level of self-confidence and certainty of themselves even when their caregivers inadvertently undermine it; instead of trusting the caregivers opinion, they trust their own. (So they respond to their own faith within themselves.)

People who are impacted negatively by the caregiver's opinion are impacted only because they permit it and because the opinion matters to them so some inexplicable reason.

Yeah, true.

But I was actually referring to infants and very young children, as they completely lack perspective and coping strategies to govern their own self-esteem, which is first and foremost influenced in the first relationship humans have. That relationship, sadly, influences and leaves a mark to later interaction and relationships we have, as well as to the basis of our self-esteem. (But I don't mean we couldn't later on affect to it in any way )

I do understand how it works for older children, that they're able to for instance maintain their own self-esteem despite the negative feedback they get of themselves, but self-esteem is not being born by itself.

When the child grows up and develops perspective and begins to understand not everything they encounter from their parents/peers is a face-value, they can start objectively reassessing their perceptions and change their view about themselves and take in new information as well And children have remarkable talent to find positive feedback (mirroring relationship, where they get positive mirror for themselves) ; if it's not from their parent, they'll search for it wherever they can, from their teacher, friend's parent etc.

 

[A Schnitzel]

When the child grows up and develops perspective and begins to understand not everything they encounter from their parents/peers is a face-value, they can start objectively reassessing their perceptions and change their view about themselves and take in new information as well

It can go the other way too. Sometimes the objective feedback is a shock and hurts the persons self esteem. The parents may have always told the kid positive things, but he/she may have been overpraised.

Are you in psychology?

 

[miss fortune]

I don't have a deficit of self esteem- I'm a complete and total egomaniac, but at least I'm honest enough to admit my flaws, I just think my good qualities outweigh them

*I was actually CALLED an egomaniac a few days ago by a good friend! in the phrase "you don't need an ego boost- you're ego seems to be in excellent working condition as it is!"

 

[sade]

I don't have a deficit of self-esteem, instead I have distorded thinking (yea, I'm fixing it.. trying to).
Which is worse I believe.

 

[BerberElla]

Why so many people on this forum have this problem?
There are many threads about things that are in the end linked to
self-esteem. In the personal DNA thread I have seen that many people have this problem and I just want to understand way?

In the real life I have seen plenty of people which on purpose are trying to take the role of the person with low self-esteem.

I am not saying that people should be ego-maniacs but I simply do not see the side of this people.
I have noticed that this usually manifest itself in social environment.


So, why people have problems with low self-esteem?

Really? what makes you think they are only taking on the role of a person with a lack of self esteem, rather than actually being a person with low self esteem?

Because in my eyes if you need to take on the role of anyone in real life, and not for the stage, then you are already lacking self esteem, which means they aren't pretending.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Really? what makes you think they are only taking on the role of a person with a lack of self esteem, rather than actually being a person with low self esteem?

Because in my eyes if you need to take on the role of anyone in real life, and not for the stage, then you are already lacking self esteem, which means they aren't pretending.

I wasn't clear enough.

I am not saying that they turn to the exact opposite but soften their methods.


In my culture when you are reserved you are seen as someone who has this problem. Unless people know you very well.
So when you act as calm and reserved people are easier on you since you dont appear to be a threat.
It look to me that some introverts that are clearly a minority here use this as a tactic. I am using this as well.


When I was a kid it was easier and better for me to convince my NF mother that I have problems with confidance about something then saying that I don't give a damn about it. Because of this she was much more accepting then she would be in other scenario.

 

[BerberElla]

When I was a kid it was easier and better for me to convince my NF mother that I have problems with confidance about something then saying that I don't give a damn about it. Because of this she was much more accepting then she would be in other scenario.

Ah, that's interesting and painful to me since I can see myself reacting the same to one of my kids, and that must have been tough for you to some extent, to have to mask how you really felt about certain things ie not really caring at all. (good pointer to me as an NF mum )

However I must be a sucker for it, because I honestly haven't seen it that much.

 

[Virtual ghost]

Ah, that's interesting and painful to me since I can see myself reacting the same to one of my kids, and that must have been tough for you to some extent, to have to mask how you really felt about certain things ie not really caring at all. (good pointer to me as an NF mum )

However I must be a sucker for it, because I honestly haven't seen it that much.

It wasn't hard do to it, which is because my logic has always been "The end justifies the means".


For example it was easier to convince her that I am afraid/uncomfortabe around people then that I am not interested at all in what those people talk and think/feel.

Since she is (probably) an INFP she has that kinds of fears herself so it was not that hard to convince her.

 

[tibby]

It can go the other way too. Sometimes the objective feedback is a shock and hurts the persons self esteem. The parents may have always told the kid positive things, but he/she may have been overpraised.

Good point.

Are you in psychology?

Nope

 

[AOA]

I have a pretty strong self-image, and I have gotton involved in people's affairs quite alot of times - and, seen as sufficiently well self-esteemed.

... I guess my problem is that that makes me stick to a general principle or goal quite strongly, too - so that when I fail on something, and eventually realize I can't be bothered to keep the effort on it, I dismiss it, and start doing others that are more worthy... pretty much choose to ignore the possibility of failure, than face it... or face it again.

I'm on this forum because I like it.

 

[Shaula]

In my opinion, there seems to be four types of self-esteem:

1. Healthy Self-Esteem.
2. Low Self-Esteem.
3. High Self-Esteem.
4. Alternating Low and High Self-Esteem.

I consider myself to have the fourth type. This can be potentially the most dangerous. Low self-esteem can lead to destruction of the self but high self-esteem can lead to the destruction of others. As one can imagine the alternating type both directs destruction towards the self and at others.

I recommend the book, Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty, where author Roy F. Baumeister PhD. rejects the popular idea that violence is caused by people with low self esteem and tries to dispell the "Myth of Pure Evil".

my logic has always been "The end justifies the means".

There is a chapter on the roots of evil which cleary states one of them being "the end justifies the means". You might find it an interesting read.

 

[entropie]

I go with no.3