[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

[Esoteric Wench]

I love my INFJ friends. But I've noticed that some of them have a tendency to overly rely on doorslamming people when things get a bit uncomfortable.

For example, one of my INFJ friends unfriended me and blocked me on facebook when I sent her a note asking if she was OK because she had posted a profile picture of a bleeding wrist. (Then out of the blue, eight months later, she sends me a friend request.)

I don't get it. Maybe I'm too extraverted, too perceiving, or too Te (I'm only barely F so my extraverted thinking is pretty darn strong), but this seems like an unproductive, and in the extreme, self-sabotaging behavior. It's also hurt my feelings more than once. The INFJ seems to just need to shut me out while they sort through things on their own.

I was wondering if anyone else had experienced this dynamic with INFJs and if they'd share their perspectives. Also, for those INFJs out there, I'd appreciate you helping me understand what might be going on. I read people very well. I understand where INFJs are coming from intuitively without even trying... except for the doorslamming. I just don't get it. It completely baffles me.

Also, I'd appreciate suggestions on the best way to be a good friend to the doorslamming INFJ, while also taking care of my own needs to not feel abandoned by my INFJ friends.

 

[Fidelia]

I think some young INFJs tend to doorslam as a way of avoiding actually dealing with conflict or dealing with something painful (in this case the bleeding wrist thing and what it might mean). This is terribly unproductive. The friends request several months later probably is a result of her continuing to mull over her behaviour and decide that you actually cared and had her best interests at heart.

I think all you can do is make sure that someone like that knows that you care very much for them and that you will be there without judgement. I think one of the biggest fears of some INFJs is that people will judge them based on insufficient information and they cannot deal with being unfairly rejected. You may have noticed that INFJs often have different levels of disclosure depending on who they are dealing with (and therefore they may appear very differently to people). If they feel they've let someone in too far and the person has either displayed signs of untrustworthiness (or in this case the INFJ is scared that they know too much and it is uncomfortable), they may move them back a couple of notches. I think this is what she did in a much more tangible level, until she could bear to talk about it more with you. If you are able to see right into her emotions and thoughts before she is ready to talk about them, it's possible that she only will want you around in fits and starts. That's not particularly conducive to a friendship, but I think over time as you prove your trustworthiness, that will happen less. Just be there, don't get too upset and make sure she knows you care for her. Then go on with life till she's ready to come back and talk.

That's my 2 cents anyway!

 

[cascadeco]

I can't relate to cutting people out of my life and then bringing them back into it at a later date, but that's just me.

When I cut someone out of my life, it's permanent, the reason being that the relationship isn't mutually beneficial/positive any longer, so it isn't fair to the other person when I'm just not wanting to focus my energies on the relationship anymore (because I don't see it lasting or going anywhere in the long run, it's unhealthy, or other reasons). It's not like this is a common thing for me, though. If it happens, I've put a lot of thought into it, and reflect on everything, before doing something like this.

And...fidelia's post explains some general things about INFJ's/walls/boundaries!

 

[HollyGolightly]

I do this and it's probably the thing I hate most about myself.
I can't really speak for other INFJs, but the reason I do this is because I feel ashamed of the fact that I'm not able to sort out my problems as quickly as I should. Out of my group of friends. I'm the supportive one..the one who helps everyone out and I feel I need to remain strong...or at least look that way..in order to be doing my job properly. But it gets to a point where I have supressed so much that it needs to come out, but I don't wanna bother anyone else so I go off on my own and shut everyone out whilst I sort through my mess. It's not to hurt people, in fact it's the opposite. I'm trying to sort things out so I can come back strong ang play my "role" in the group. When so many people rely on you, it's a lot of pressure. I don't mean to hurt people or worry them, I actually have good intentions. But I just mess up =)

Have you asked your INFJ friends why they do this?

 

[ReadingRainbows]

I love my INFJ friends. But I've noticed that some of them have a tendency to overly rely on doorslamming people when things get a bit uncomfortable.

For example, one of my INFJ friends unfriended me and blocked me on facebook when I sent her a note asking if she was OK because she had posted a profile picture of a bleeding wrist. (Then out of the blue, eight months later, she sends me a friend request.)

I don't get it. Maybe I'm too extraverted, too perceiving, or too Te (I'm only barely F so my extraverted thinking is pretty darn strong), but this seems like an unproductive, and in the extreme, self-sabotaging behavior. It's also hurt my feelings more than once. The INFJ seems to just need to shut me out while they sort through things on their own.

I was wondering if anyone else had experienced this dynamic with INFJs and if they'd share their perspectives. Also, for those INFJs out there, I'd appreciate you helping me understand what might be going on. I read people very well. I understand where INFJs are coming from intuitively without even trying... except for the doorslamming. I just don't get it. It completely baffles me.

Also, I'd appreciate suggestions on the best way to be a good friend to the doorslamming INFJ, while also taking care of my own needs to not feel abandoned by my INFJ friends.

This is classic INFJ immaturity. I used to do this stuff when I was younger (and still do it to a milder extent now) Remember anyone who does something to you, it says something about them - it is not a reflect of you, it is of them. We can only see the world from such a limited standpoint anyways. Doorslamming is really shitty thing to do. I think we do it more out of shame guilt and just being done with situations than anything else. She's probably upset that you where bringing things that where difficult for her to accept at that time up (classic reason I doorslamed and why my ENFP relations in the past are where BAD) Or you flaked out on her plans and she took it personal (young infj take everything personal, only getting better by just a little as an adult)
Anyways - How she treated you was disrespectful and rude no matter how you look at it. But its not about you in her mind - its all about her. INFJ are such inner narcissists. We hate having our dreams stepped on or whatever. May I again say that her reaction was totally inappropriate though. I would totally not be tolerating that behavior at this time in my life. (from another person) I don't believe that you should feel your in the wrong at all. I know I was self sabotaging and out of my mind when I was younger. That behavior is not okay.
/end of rant

I hope that makes sense. Its early and my wits are not as sharp.

 

[1487610420]

I can relate. My Ne Ti also tell me it's immaturity and misconception/misunderstanding of context, behavior, intentions. Too much projecting mainly.

What Rainbows said about steping on the dreams/beliefs. It takes only so much for oneself to grow and realise if own Point of View was biased in any way - again projections.

This is true for everyone, to a bigger or lesser extent. And it may take a lifetime to notice or repair, specially if it were misunderstandings that triggered it. It will depend on personal and interpersonal circunstances to be able to fix anything. If it does happen from their side, like re-initiating contact, then it's a muddy ground and expect to be on probation - yes it's retarted, uncalled for and sucks. If you care, let it go like nothing happened, until things are - if ever - at a point where you can address it or they address it, to bring in some closure, if still needed.

I've had the misconception triggering a doorslam and I believe I helped by not knowing what I know today and adding behavior that further acted like cement on a shaky misconception construct, making it solid and giving it purpose. I've also had a another comeback and was later able to probe and pin-point the causes and get some closure. Two different people, both INFJ.

In the former case I often conceived a surgical approach to set things straight but never did anything as I realised how easily it would be to be perceived biasedly and the amount of energy it was already consuming from me. It still lingers in my mind. The later case it was the other person that ceased to be MIA and decided to return.

Take notice though, that 99% of people are not aware - of themselves or their surrondings - and you can have the later case happening, which would seem to indicate there was some closure on their mind to overcome the past, but it can be false and driven by the wrong reasons. Simply more mind constructs instead of clear realisation of reality - how biased and sabotating their thoughts were.

If anything, all of this will, more often then not, aply to "them" and to "us" in different dosages. Be aware.

 

[wedekit]

We all have different ways of dealing with stress. There are 3 main types of strategies:

1. Moving TO other people: Clinging onto others, becoming dependent on them for emotional support, etc.

2. Moving AWAY from other people: Avoiding other people.

3. Moving AGAINST other people: Aggressiveness, fighting, breaking rules.


INFJs would all most likely have tendency to use #2.

... RA training ftw!

 

[cafe]

Usually if I doorslam it's because I feel like the relationship is way off balance and I don't feel it's likely to become a balanced relationship or I just don't want to invest the energy that conflict to attempt to make it balanced would require of me.

I don't always realize things are off balance until something happens that makes re-evaluate the relationship - usually an act that feels like a slap in the face in some way. It kind of wakes me up and causes me to ask myself why I'm friends with this person. It often comes as a surprise to me because it doesn't seem to be processing in my conscious mind.

As far as telling someone when they bother at the time of the bothering, my process is a lot like others have described and also, I really don't have the energy to be doing that all the time or rather, I'm not willing to spend my energy on that.

I work at my marriage, I work at parenting four children, I keep my dogs in their place in our pack. If the friendship isn't reasonably balanced and largely self-maintaining I just can't do it and I probably don't much want to.

Maybe when my family responsibilities are not so intense I will have more energy to devote to being better at maintaining healthy friendships.

 

[TopherRed]

The problem with me is, I let unhealthy people get too close. As an ENFJ, I attract them, and some arrogant part of me used to assume I could help. Now, I watch for warning signs, and ignore those I want nothing to do with before that happens. It sounds cruel and immature, but actually, doing the contrary is like filling your life with people constantly feigning suicide, and realizing that many of them are just too immature to stand on their own two feet. I call them sympathy vampires. They're looking for an easy way out of their issues, and you are it.

Sympathy vampires look like ordinary people at first, so when I accidentally let one in, I have to door slam them. There's no other way to get them off of you, as they don't want your help, nor advice on how to stand on their own.

 

[firstjudge]

This topic seems to come up often here. We INFJs must be notorious door-slammers.

I do this if I feel manipulated, disrespected, pressured into submitting to the will of others, or not given the space needed to formulate my own conclusions.

Unfortunately, many don't deserve this treatment, but the actions of a few can ruin for all.

I agree that sometimes we do it for immature reasons; however, I believe that it is necessary at times.

 

[Lily Bart]

I used to be so bad about this when I was younger. Being an introvert makes it much easier to deal with things inside myself. Being intuitive makes you think that it's OK to shut someone out because lots of other possibilities will open up elsewhere. Being a feeler makes you not want to alienate other people by putting things out in the open that might make you both uncomfortable. And being a judger makes you act much more quickly and with more finality than you really should have -- and then you realize it's too late. And then you end up feeling even worse! I'm not saying any of this to justify your friend's behavior, because it is immature behavior, but hopefully you'll understand that it's not really a slap in the face to you, but more of a "this got out of control and this is the best way I know of to handle it" message on her part.

 

[Immaculate Cloud]

In my case, I have doorslammed an older person, a relative in fact, and in my cultural context, it is a no-no. Well, that person deserved it. There, I have said it!!! But it used to be that I took too much responsibility for whether a relationship (in the general sense not the romantic sense) worked or not. Now, I'm like, people can be dishonest, manipulative and nasty and sometimes downright invasive and I have had it analyzing where exactly I might have 'contributed' to them being like this towards me! Bah.

 

[cafe]

I may have ambiguous feelings about my part in the events that led to a doorslam, but I don't think I've ever regretted doing it (have only done it a few times). If I doorslam you, you probably deserve it and it was a damn long time in coming.

 

[TopherRed]

^this

 

[Prime]

Doorslamming... hmm. Well, at least you're aware of that INFJ habit. It's a shameful thing which most people don't know about.

In the past, there were usually three different reasons I've done a door slam. And not just to individuals, but to entire situations, too.

a) After a big emotional scene. Like graduating high school. I'm not open about feelings, but when school ended, I told everyone how much I thought of them. That sudden, severe exposure caused me to immediately run away out of vulnerability. Exposing intense emotions (whether it be photos of slit wrists or declarations of love) can lead to a door slam.

b) When a friendship inhibits personal growth. Not saying I can't have lifelong friends, but when a friend is holding me back from growing (or vice versa), I need to let go. Mostly, the people I have door slammed all hang out with the same people from school, gossip about the same people, hold the same beliefs, and haven't really broadened their horizons. It's like perpetual high school. I wish I could be like them, but it's just not my nature.

c) The expiration date. I don't go into friendships thinking they are going to end, but many times in the past, people (often girls) would come into my life in need of a "savior." Someone to listen to their problems and help them sort out sticky emotional situations. The problem with this is, when everything's fixed, I just assume they don't need me anymore and the hinges start squeaking. It's not a malicious thing, but when the friendship was cemented over a common theme (their problems), I feel like it wouldn't be fair for me to hang on as a possible reminder of their unfortunate episode.

 

[wedekit]

Whenever someone does something intentionally wrong to me it just makes more sense to cut them out of my life. To be honest, I usually am not able to see any clear reason why I should ever risk trusting them again. I've definitely slammed the door on some major people (at the time) in my life, and most of them never got to see that door opened again.

I'm also guilty of not sharing with them why I choose not to associate myself with them anymore. If I don't want to let them back in then I don't see a reason to discuss with them why I am angry.

For example, after 5 months my ex broke up with me. He told me he didn't see himself in a relationship when he went to college in the fall (in St. Louis). I told him that made sense, and we agreed to try and be friends. Two days later Facebook informed me he was dating someone else. I unadded him from my friends and haven't spoken to him since. He sent me a message asking why we weren't friends anymore... I didn't reply. We live in the same small town, so I'm bound to run into him eventually. I dread that day.


Edit: I can't believe he doesn't realize why I would be upset. His profile picture when he sent me the message was of him and his new (unattractive) boyfriend. I can't believe I dated a MORON for 5 months!

 

[Phantonym]

Hm. Yes, I do the doorslamming. But it has to be something really serious to take so drastic measures. Mainly if I sense a complete standstill from where there is no development to expect. Or something or somebody has such an influence on my life that I just cannot agree with, something that makes me doubt my very being and self-worth. Doorslamming for me doesn't necessarily mean cutting people permanently off my life, they just don't get close to me again, we are on friendly terms but nothing else, they don't occupy my mind on a daily basis.

I don't use it for avoiding dealing with the people or issues, it just means that I've already resolved things for myself. It takes some effort to maintain and I know how selfish it seems but I get this overwhelming feeling that I need to do this. If I need serious closure then slam, I'm done. Not only with people but with certain places, activities, feelings, thoughts, etc.

 

[1487610420]

INFJ should burn in hell. With a VIP seat and free propcorn. And refreshments. I'm hungry now.

 

[cafe]

Here ya go

 

[PuddleRiver]

I may have ambiguous feelings about my part in the events that led to a doorslam, but I don't think I've ever regretted doing it (have only done it a few times). If I doorslam you, you probably deserve it and it was a damn long time in coming.

^This would be me.