[INFP] What to do with an INFP

[tibby]

I don't know what to do with my INFP boyfriend. He's awesome; caring, considerate, loyal, understanding, calm, emphathetic - all the attributes I really hold in a high regard. I feel like we have a connection I've never had with anyone else. Still, I have a few things that I don't understand about him, or that really buzzle me.

I don't always know how to react around him, cause he doesn't manifest his emotions in a way I'm used to seeing (I guess a lot of my friends are extraverted). I'm more like a chameleon - I tend to pick on the "vibes" from the other person and adjust, so sometimes it feels like it's very hard for me to be spontaneous around him, when I get my spontanenous,goofy moments (do I really need another extravert around me to be able to do that? ) I just thought, how would he react if I was to be really goofy and show him even that "crazy" side of me? It's really hard for me to do this if I don't know for sure how the other person takes it.

And... He's told me that he has this one person in his life that he wants to bond and share "himself" with, and only that one. He doesn't feel the need to share his rich inner life with anyone else, so this would mean I'm the most important person to him. He wants love to be eternal - as do I, but no matter how tolerable and understanding I feel I am, it kinda feels like a lot of pressure. I guess he expects the same amount of intimacy from me, but on the contrary I have a lot of close people in my life that I couldn't start rating (I don't a lot, but basically my best friend and my family). Would I be very disappointing partner for him in the long run if I can't provide him what he wants and needs?

I have this side to me that probably is the one that appeals to him (deep, introspective, understanding, intellectual)- but I also have this very out-going, charismatic and spontanenous side, which he doesn't.

On the deeper level I couldn't imagine a better partner - but on the surface, I feel like my interest in interaction, humanitarian missions in general, communicating, having fun, work, are just things he doesn't necessarily "understand". I feel like he's excepting this depth of intimacy I'm never going to be able to provide, although I consider myself a pretty loyal, intimate and extremely caring partner.

Actually now that I wrote this I feel like an idiot, because I'm ashamed of my "extravertness". I don't know what it is, cause I'm truly an introvert, but I'm just sort of naturally drawn to people, "human potential" and spending time with them, to understand. I wish I was like him cause I really like him and I would never want to do anything to hurt him. I'd want to give as much as I could to him - to support him, give him everything he needs, literally give him all those things he craves so deep in the quietness of his soul. But I (this is so weird and silly!) sometimes feel like he doesn't primarily "care" about me, that his priority is just to find "somebody" that will never leave him, and uses me as a tool for this meaning and as an access to his emotions (security?).

I don't know what I'm babbling about If any of you have something to comment (that would make me understand how he might "see" me, cause I know you guys don't easily criticize others and tell if something's bothering you about another person) ,please do, I'd love to hear an "outsiders" thoughts, especially INFP's

 

[BlueScreen]

First thing is to understand what an INFP is. There is a type difference that will leave you pretty blinded to it. There's pretty long argument threads between INFJ and ENFP because of this also.

The thing is we essentially work to the same goal, but our cognitive functions are mirrored. From what I know as INFJ you see feeling out in the world, you feel driven to do things for people, and to show you care. You want to make people comfortable. You also do a lot of deep thinking which you keep to yourself. As ENFP we see feeling in the person, and deep think out in the world. Everything is insanely core and linked. We don't look for comfort or happiness, we look to the soul, where you are, what you are really feeling in it all, where you are being held back from being who you could be. INFP is quite similar but has the feeling function first rather than intuition. The effect is just they seem more caught in feelings. And don't speak as much about their thoughts as ENFPs. But trust me on the fact that you could never be some object to fill a dream. If they love you then you are intricately beautiful to them in ways that you really are. And they see you, maybe sometimes better than you see yourself. Think also of how you idealise love, then make it be at the very core of you. He has probably also shown love in countless ways you miss. If you want to notice them, watch how he helps you develop positively on a personal level. It is subtle, but precise. He'll essentially clear up your thoughts for you. And if you are unsure what to do, love and care and give hugs, and most of all be open and let him see you. They can be slow to start with. But once you know them and they ease up, they are likely to make you feel pretty conservative.

This is not the best description, but might help.
Portrait of an INFP

 

[r0wo1]

I just thought, how would he react if I was to be really goofy and show him even that "crazy" side of me? It's really hard for me to do this if I don't know for sure how the other person takes it.

I think your best bet would just be to try it? You have been together for a while Im guessing after reading your post. And you haven't shown this side of you yet, he wont be expecting it, and he might even like it. It can't hurt to give it a try. Even if he doesn't like it most of us are pretting forgiving

I guess he expects the same amount of intimacy from me, but on the contrary I have a lot of close people in my life that I couldn't start rating (I don't a lot, but basically my best friend and my family). Would I be very disappointing partner for him in the long run if I can't provide him what he wants and needs?

From my standpoint, it can be kind of frustrating when trying to show love and caring for people who do not show the same amount of care and love in return. But for INFPs our level commitment is pretty deep and can be kind of difficult to match. I see this a lot for example with friends and sometimes even family, but the important thing for you to do, is simply to try your best. We know, even subconciously sometimes, that it can be hard to match our level of committment but the sincere effort is what counts a lot of the time.

But I (this is so weird and silly!) sometimes feel like he doesn't primarily "care" about me, that his priority is just to find "somebody" that will never leave him, and uses me as a tool for this meaning and as an access to his emotions (security?).

This is a common misconception, and I've seen it more then once. But what Noigmn said is dead on. We just get to lost in our thoughts or emotions sometimes, and it comes across as though we are disattached and even uncaring at times. But Noigmn nailed it on the head, and if I try to reword it, its not going to come out as well written.

I hope I helped a little bit

 

[runvardh]

Just do what you're wanting to, sorry if we only show passion in extremes.

 

[Anja]

No need to apologize, runvardh.

We all do what we want to do and if it makes us a happier and more well-adjusted person I say, go for it!

If you're happy feeling continuously betrayed and mistrustful I support that for you.

 

[Anja]

'scuse I dumped this post in the wrong spot and thought you were responding to something I posted elsewhere, runvardh. My bad!

Ignore.

 

[runvardh]

Anja, there is a delete function

 

[tibby]

Just do what you're wanting to, sorry if we only show passion in extremes.

Hm, I didn't want to make this sound like I would be complaining about INFP's, you're my favourite type (along with ENFP's) I just want to understand him better - I always want to understand, I can over-analyze and I know it. I wouldn't change him for anything, and I'm not saying INFP's should be more extraverted. I'm sorry if it sounded like that :sad: .

Thank you guys for your answers. I really appreciate it

 

[runvardh]

Hm, I didn't want to make this sound like I would be complaining about INFP's, you're my favourite type (along with ENFP's) I just want to understand him better - I always want to understand, I can over-analyze and I know it. I wouldn't change him for anything, and I'm not saying INFP's should be more extraverted. I'm sorry if it sounded like that :sad: .

Thank you guys for your answers. I really appreciate it

It was a compulsive appology. What I wanted you to take from it was be you; not doing so robs him of what he's fallen for. Actually, that's the intimacy I'd throw bets at - the ability to totally and completely be yourself with him and allowing him to care about that.

 

[tibby]

I get what you mean

 

[Mondo]

I think XXFJs just tend to be more open with emotions in general.

As an XNFP, I am not open about my own emotions at all.

I'm not even sure if I could do that with 'my true love' wherever she might be.
I have a deep and private inner life- one that doesn't stem from introversion- but rather, if anything it stems from Intuition, having a rich imagination and rich fantasies.

It's not necessarily a difference between introversion/extraversion. When I'm extraverting, I don't openly talk about my private life with people. I think that many Extraverts are actually MORE private about their inner life than those Introverts, simply because Extraverts often have a better idea of what to do and what not to do in social situations.

 

[runvardh]

Yeah, I'm just waiting for the right person to show it to. Not holding my breath, but the hope is there.

 

[Udog]

Yeah, I tend to just hide my emotions under a shell vs act like a chameleon. I often appear muted unless something really gets to me.

I'm not sure if your INFP is the healthy variety or not, but the only way to test the long term viability of your relationship is to start showing him your goofy, extroverted side. Do it in that way that you INFJs do, where you slowly start introducing new aspects of your personality, like slowly peeling layers from an onion. You guys are good at that.

I can't predict how he will react, as it depends on what he is looking for and how emotionally secure he is. However, sooner you get a feel for that the better.

For what it's worth, I enjoyed the goofier and more extroverted sides of some of the INFJs I knew.

And... He's told me that he has this one person in his life that he wants to bond and share "himself" with, and only that one. He doesn't feel the need to share his rich inner life with anyone else, so this would mean I'm the most important person to him. He wants love to be eternal - as do I, but no matter how tolerable and understanding I feel I am, it kinda feels like a lot of pressure. I guess he expects the same amount of intimacy from me, but on the contrary I have a lot of close people in my life that I couldn't start rating (I don't a lot, but basically my best friend and my family). Would I be very disappointing partner for him in the long run if I can't provide him what he wants and needs?

This may or may not be as stress inducing as it sounds. I don't really feel the need to deeply share myself with people, so it wouldn't be too much for me to say I only really need one person. However, this doesn't mean I don't need to connect and bond with others, it's just that it isn't as deep or complete.

Also, just because he only needs to connect with one person doesn't necessarily mean he expects the same from you.

I have this side to me that probably is the one that appeals to him (deep, introspective, understanding, intellectual)- but I also have this very out-going, charismatic and spontanenous side, which he doesn't.

An INFP that isn't spontaneous? Hmm.... Not unheard of, but curious. In what ways isn't he spontaneous?

Actually now that I wrote this I feel like an idiot, because I'm ashamed of my "extravertness".

I think your post was a bit hard on yourself. You're asking very smart and relevant questions, so don't beat yourself up too much. Also, please avoid the INFJ trap where you cut yourself down because you aren't a clone of your boyfriend. It's your differences that gives you guys opportunities to learn from each other.

 

[tibby]

Hm, this made me very intrigued What is an unhealthy INFP like? (Not to say he is, but I just got interested)

 

[jtanSis1]

His world goes dark.

 

[Udog]

Essentially, that's not a bad description.

There are lots of threads devoted to the subject here, but it boils down to underdeveloped Fi. They won't share emotions or what they want, yet will hold a grudge and get upset if you fail to read their minds and anticipate their needs. Moody. Insecure. Selfish. Paranoid, reads too much into what someone says, and obsesses and lets it fester instead of just talking about it. Clingy. Uses passive-aggressiveness to avoid direct conflict. Uses Ne to find out how things can fail instead of go right. Misuses Te and has to know everything, obsessing on details while losing sight of the big picture.

Of course, many of those aren't INFP exclusive. An unhealthy INFP may be intimidated by your having connections outside of the relationship though, whereas a healthy one will likely appreciate how easily you relate to others.

 

[Zeldias]

Yes, INFPs are remarkably like what you described. He's saying the classic sort of INFP stuff, I think (or maybe it's just what I've said before). "I want you and me to be two halves of one coin. I want us to share everything, and have a special place for just the two of us that others aren't invited to, where we can share everything and have no secrets." Imagine your INFP's soul as a mountain, and he's the hermit living at the top, painting these crazy paintings. What he's doing is inviting you to live on the mountaintop and paint with him, but don't bring anyone else in, and don't tell them what you're painting with him. At least that's how it sounds to me.

It sounds extremely extreme, but I think that's just INFP Dramatic Syndrome (tendency to state things with earth-shattering weight). Unless I'm misunderstanding, just be yourself around him and let him know that you want to be really intimate with him, but you care about the world to.

But I could be reading this all wrong.

 

[tibby]

Yes, INFPs are remarkably like what you described. He's saying the classic sort of INFP stuff, I think (or maybe it's just what I've said before). "I want you and me to be two halves of one coin. I want us to share everything, and have a special place for just the two of us that others aren't invited to, where we can share everything and have no secrets." Imagine your INFP's soul as a mountain, and he's the hermit living at the top, painting these crazy paintings. What he's doing is inviting you to live on the mountaintop and paint with him, but don't bring anyone else in, and don't tell them what you're painting with him. At least that's how it sounds to me.

It sounds extremely extreme, but I think that's just INFP Dramatic Syndrome (tendency to state things with earth-shattering weight). Unless I'm misunderstanding, just be yourself around him and let him know that you want to be really intimate with him, but you care about the world to.

But I could be reading this all wrong.

Actually that's very well put, cause I feel that's excatly how it is. Although I do value this in him immensely, it's also quite pressuring, cause I don't necessarily have that "need" as strong (well I don't have you guys' inner life ). What probably worries me the most is that I can't give him that, or at least with the depth he's expecting. I'm worried cause as an INFJ I feel like I'm probably one of the few people that have very good capacity to understand and appreciate him with this amount that I do, not only cause I truly want to help him reach his potential, dreams and give everything I can for him. In a way "nurture" his pains (well I do this with others as well).

Do you INFP's usually get disappointed in people (especially to the significant others) ? And if you do ,how do you cope with it? One of the few things I've noticed is that it's so easy to take you as granted because of your humility and I definately don't want to fall into that trap, although he's making it hard sometimes, cause he's so invested in my needs so incredibly unselfishly . What I would like to make him feel like is the most special and appreciated person in the world.

 

[runvardh]

Actually that's very well put, cause I feel that's excatly how it is. Although I do value this in him immensely, it's also quite pressuring, cause I don't necessarily have that "need" as strong (well I don't have you guys' inner life ). What probably worries me the most is that I can't give him that, or at least with the depth he's expecting. I'm worried cause as an INFJ I feel like I'm probably one of the few people that have very good capacity to understand and appreciate him with this amount that I do, not only cause I truly want to help him reach his potential, dreams and give everything I can for him. In a way "nurture" his pains (well I do this with others as well).

Do you INFP's usually get disappointed in people (especially to the significant others) ? And if you do ,how do you cope with it? One of the few things I've noticed is that it's so easy to take you as granted because of your humility and I definately don't want to fall into that trap, although he's making it hard sometimes, cause he's so invested in my needs so incredibly unselfishly . What I would like to make him feel like is the most special and appreciated person in the world.

Recommend a day to just each other, either at his place or yours. Upon entry, grab him by the collar, pull him in, and plant a long hard passionate one on him. After that just let the day unfold. ^_^

 

[Leysing]

Do you INFP's usually get disappointed in people?

(I'm speaking for myself now. Not sure about other INFPs.)

I rarely get disappointed in people. I am far more often fascinated and pleasantly surprised. I'm not demanding (I'm the most demanding toward myself, I think it's introverted Judging) and I can forgive and give others the benefit of the doubt easily... maybe even too easily. The only thing I demand is freedom, but I want to give it to other people equally.

The deepness thing doesn't disappoint or bother me. I know I spend more time inside my own head than many others who just happen to be different. I admire the more extroverted people and their abilities to maneuver in the world outside them. I'm awfully awkward when forced out of my thoughts.