Video: INFJ Door Slam

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

So, anytime someone goes on and on about how giving they are or how much accommodating they do for others- I really can't help suspect they are actually probably blind to how much they actually take from others and blind to how much they expect in exchange for this "giving" they do.

I kind of want to say "case in point". While it's probably not possible to say definitively based on a short description, this does sound like what I'm talking about.

Oh no. No no no, you're absolutely RIGHT. The bolded was exactly how I felt. I felt like I was the one giving and giving, having to go out of my way to explain how things actually are for me; taking all this time to respond to his ideas; sensitive topics being brought up and analyzed when I'd have preferred to change the subject. But if someone says something to me, I have to respond (this is prolly an Fe thing we shared). I can lose focus. And I felt I had poured my soul out to him.

So obviously, in the end, I felt like the INFJ actually took an awful lot from me. Meanwhile throwing lip-quivering fits about how I was overburdening him. Like if you're carrying too many items, a good idea is to stop picking them up in the first place.

Anyway, I saw him later ranting that 5 out of 5 relationships hadn't panned out (for the reasons you mention, lol) and it was always the other person's fault. I just thought, if your fail rate is that uniform over such a short period, maybe it's something YOU'RE doing.

 

[Eric B]

I don't know why INFJs have a tendency to do this more than other types. It seems like irrational/harmful/unproductive behavior. Why not address the issues earlier than wait till they get to some kind of boiling point and then cut the person off.

In my theory of how type fits the five temperaments, INFJ is a Melancholy in Inclusion [INJ], and Supine in Control [NF]. (INFJ's who've taken five temperament tests often do get those as the strongest).

Both the Melancholy and Supine are the low expressives (aka "introverts"), which means they are slow to express their needs, and will hold onto emotions like anger, until it builds up and explodes. So a combintion of the two will be doubly like that, and especially pronounced when Melancholy is the "social" temperament, and Supine is the "leadership" temperament.

Here's another video on the “door slam”: https://youtu.be/TvzD_uwRZAg

What we can hear described in this video is clearly compatible with a Supine. It perfectly fits the descriptions of the Supine’s willingness to “serve” and keep trying to gain the acceptance or ackowledgment he needs, but eventually, if the person doesn’t give it to him, will react, possibly violently. The Melancholy will be less about needing acknowledgment, but has the characteristic “directiveness” of the low responsiveness on the social level, which will aid in the coldness of the reaction, and the person will be kicked out of that temperament’s [low Wanted] “exclusive club”.

In the original FIRO-B system the five temperament system was based on, this score combination (low e and w of I, + low e, high w of C) was dubbed a "Foot-Stomping Dependent". You can see where that would figure in something like a fiery "door slam" when everything goes terminally wrong. The "foot-stomping" is the person's basic approach on a social level (low wI; hence, "directive" in Interaction Style), while the "dependency" is from the high wanted Control (Berens' "motive" focus, which basically yields to others, and Keirsey's last book refers to it as "contagious"). They want to be taken care of, or at least not have to take on responsibilities alone (and there are NF descriptions, especially by a German guy named Riemann, that point to this, and even some evidence of the need of appreciation in Keirsey).

So this is even reflected in these statements:

The first thing to realize is that INFJs are very interested in connecting and getting to know people. When they're younger, especially, they tend to be very trusting. However, in spite of auxiliary Fe, INFJs are Ni-doms and tend to be very naive about human nature. This need to connect with people plus the naivete is the underlying dynamic of the INFJ door slam.

The INFJ gets to know someone and everything is going fine. THEN they realize, "Holy shit!", there's something really wrong/bad about the person. Or the realize that they're just "too close" and the relationship is "imbalanced". Or the relationship doesn't otherwise meet the INFJ's expectations of what it "should be". (This can make it difficult to nail things down, personality-wise, as "should be" is very different from INFJ to INFJ.)

So they panic. They have to cut things off 100%, because they simply have no other good idea on how to handle it. (Remember, we're starting from naivete, here. I'll be discussing how INFJs appear to grow out of it, too.) Sometimes it's personal, because the other person just did something really bad that totally disillusioned the INFJ (it could be "not that bad" from the other person's perspective). Sometimes it's more impersonal, as the INFJ realizes that "this isn't what I want in a friendship/relationship" and that new self knowledge affects all their relationships to some degree. The individual reasons differ, but the unifying feature is that there is no "good way to end it". In most cases, the relationship/friendship has reached the stage where things are "too close" and no matter what happens, both people are going to get hurt - even if it isn't a romantic relationship!

There are several reasons for the the "too close" aspect appearing, too many to go over in detail, but I'd say the main one is that there is kind of a naive optimism that is very common in younger INFJs w/r to human nature: the overall assumption that kindness begets kindness, that most people are good, kind and decent, and a willingness to overlook personal flaws (since the INFJ is all too aware of his/her own personal flaws). This severe lack of skepticism about human nature is what allows INFJs to get "too close", at which point the "door slam" is metaphorically ripping the band aid off instead of slowly peeling it off.

Older INFJs tend to grow out of this by developing a sense of skepticism about human nature, especially as they grow into their ISTP side. While INFJs are idealistic, they are anything but stupid, and after having been hurt several times, they become VERY aware of what kinds of red flags and other danger signs to watch out for. If the INFJ has been hurt/betrayed too often, this skepticism can be extreme and there is kind of a guarded bitterness in their personality. In other cases, the INFJ instead gains an aura of gentle wisdom, and their skepticism is cause for sadness (for the other person whom they dare not let close) and not resentment.

There, we see the Supine's trusting "naiveté", and the Melancholy's quickness to kick someone out of the "Exclusive club" of few people they will deal with. (A pure Supine or INFP, will be less likely to do the door slam, because the high wanted Inclusion will be more likely to give the other person more chances. Functionally, Ne will support this, and Fi will try to put themselves in the other persons shoes. A pure Melancholy or ISTJ will have the low wanted Control, or "structure focus" of the SJ, and be less trusting from the getgo. The Supine Melancholy or ISFJ will be like a softer combination of the two, where the INFJ is the harder combination of the two).

Other examples of the Supine behavior:

The problem for INFJ is that they need the profound and sudden break once they reach that point. They have already accommodated to such a level that they have given up so much, that they just need to be done.

The INFJ is not overreacting to minor issues, blowing up over nothing. Instead, INFJ is finally reacting to a long series of things that violated their boundaries, that they excused. The doorslam is exerting freedom from their own accommodations of the other.

Because here's the thing. It's one thing to speak of it in past tense- and I have had this experience- to have realized that the reason I couldn't handle interacting with someone anymore is because I felt like I was doing all the work. But the whole reason I had to cut interaction off is because I didn't realize that's why it felt so bad to interact- I only knew *something* was off, something felt really bad. It stems from a negative sense of entitlement, and a strong fear of being the one who takes more than they give- so they err in the direction of giving. When someone actually does this to the point where it's draining them, and it feels really bad- it's actually more confusing than not, and they certainly don't realize it enough to whine about how much they 'give and give'. It actually takes years of baby steps of asserting oneself- checking in with others to make sure the sense of entitlement still hasn't gone over to the inflated side for every tiny possible encroachment on their boundaries, to make sure they're still not the person who is expecting 'too much'- in order to feebly defend their boundaries. To this day, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable with actually saying I can't handle interacting with someone because I feel like I'm doing all the work- it's only after bouncing reality off of several people (whose judgement I trust) who tell me it's not an unreasonable perception that I might be able to feel relatively confident this is a reason for a problem I'm having with someone. And even then, I feel reticent to say this to the person directly.

But it's another thing if someone goes on and on about it almost immediately. People who are genuinely caught in the trap of being too accommodating don't realize they're doing it- and they certainly wouldn't assert it by immediately going on and on about how they give and give and give. That is actually a pompous claim, and people with a negative sense of entitlement don't make it. IME, it's usually the people who are actually consistently on the 'taking' end of imbalance who openly claim to be too accommodating. They're likely not being intentionally dishonest- it's very likely they believe they're simply pointing out the truth, and it's likely they completely believe they are being too accommodating. The human mind has a funny way of spinning truth around to protect the ego, and- unfortunately- the "too accommodating" narrative is one of the soul-sucking, parasitic archetypes the human mind comes up with to protect itself. And a relatively common one, at that.

So, anytime someone goes on and on about how giving they are or how much accommodating they do for others- I really can't help suspect they are actually probably blind to how much they actually take from others and blind to how much they expect in exchange for this "giving" they do.

tl;dr: I can see how being too accommodating actually can lead up to a "doorslam"- but I'm incredibly wary of people directly asserting they're "too accommodating." Because people who are too accommodating rarely actually make that claim.

(If the INFJ's NF is Phlegmatic instead of Supine, I imagine that door slam might be more toned down, as they will not be as dependent, or go to as much lengths to gain acknowledgment, nor have as much of the energy to react like that).

 

[GIjade]

I give up. You just hate INFJ's. Period.

 

[Eric B]

 

[GIjade]

Not you personally, all of you collectively.

 

[Ursa]

Not you personally, all of you collectively.

That's quite an assumption, especially considering this thread was started with the intention of seeking understanding and clarification.

 

[Forever]

That's quite an assumption, especially considering this thread was started with the intention of seeking understanding and clarification.

Also that there were legit INFJ's posting in this thread, am I right?

 

[estorm]

I give up. You just hate INFJ's. Period.

Some of us love INFJs.
If you feel inclined, can you clarify what's happening for you?

Possibilities that I can imagine, but have no way to choose from:

1) a joke - a doorslam on a thread about doorslams
2) a line was crossed - a real doorslam because of something (that is as yet unidentified)
3) an expression of emotion - a moment of experience captured in writing, yet not really as global or permanent as it seems
4) not feeling heard - things from others not resonating or reflecting one's experience
5) some combination of the above
6) something else entirely

Thanks.

 

[GIjade]

Some of us love INFJs.
If you feel inclined, can you clarify what's happening for you?

Possibilities that I can imagine, but have no way to choose from:

1) a joke - a doorslam on a thread about doorslams
2) a line was crossed - a real doorslam because of something (that is as yet unidentified)
3) an expression of emotion - a moment of experience captured in writing, yet not really as global or permanent as it seems
4) not feeling heard - things from others not resonating or reflecting one's experience
5) some combination of the above
6) something else entirely

Thanks.

I would say number 4 on your list. Number one is quite funny, though.

 

[estorm]

... what's happening for you?
1) a joke - a doorslam on a thread about doorslams
2) a line was crossed - a real doorslam because of something (that is as yet unidentified)
3) an expression of emotion - a moment of experience captured in writing, yet not really as global or permanent as it seems
4) not feeling heard - things from others not resonating or reflecting one's experience
5) some combination of the above
6) something else entirely

I would say number 4 on your list. Number one is quite funny, though.

Thanks.
[I thought number one was funny too, but only after I started to write it. I started just brainstorming the possibilities.]

It seems that you've had some rather extraordinary experiences that have severely undermined your trust. From what you wrote, that seems like a fairly good/normal reaction, and something that would take many good experiences to counter - if ever.

I also see in this thread a wide variety of experiences being described (which may be part of why much doesn't resonate with you).

I see INFJs talking about various slams and experiences around them - with a fair amount of differences between them.
I see people having been on the receiving end of the doorslam, again with a variety of experiences, reactions, and explanations/assumptions.
I see people scratch their heads trying to understand the mind set (in an unusual situation no less) of another type.

It's all interesting, but I can also see how it might not seem reflective of ones own experience. Less than half matches my experiences and assumptions, which (as an INTJ??) is why I find it interesting.

For the group, I'd be curious (as general feedback on these kinds of thread) to hear what they are finding valuable and or what they see these threads offer the group.

 

[GIjade]

... what's happening for you?
1) a joke - a doorslam on a thread about doorslams
2) a line was crossed - a real doorslam because of something (that is as yet unidentified)
3) an expression of emotion - a moment of experience captured in writing, yet not really as global or permanent as it seems
4) not feeling heard - things from others not resonating or reflecting one's experience
5) some combination of the above
6) something else entirely



Thanks.
[I thought number one was funny too, but only after I started to write it. I started just brainstorming the possibilities.]

It seems that you've had some rather extraordinary experiences that have severely undermined your trust. From what you wrote, that seems like a fairly good/normal reaction, and something that would take many good experiences to counter - if ever.

I also see in this thread a wide variety of experiences being described (which may be part of why much doesn't resonate with you).

I see INFJs talking about various slams and experiences around them - with a fair amount of differences between them.
I see people having been on the receiving end of the doorslam, again with a variety of experiences, reactions, and explanations/assumptions.
I see people scratch their heads trying to understand the mind set (in an unusual situation no less) of another type.

It's all interesting, but I can also see how it might not seem reflective of ones own experience. Less than half matches my experiences and assumptions, which (as an INTJ??) is why I find it interesting.

For the group, I'd be curious (as general feedback on these kinds of thread) to hear what they are finding valuable and or what they see these threads offer the group.

Yeah, the experiences I've had which have undermined my trust in people are quite different from the average dysfunctional family/ bullying etc. that some experience in life. The experiences I've had are just too difficult to even describe - they were, and continue to be quite literally bizarre in nature which is why I feel misunderstood and not heard by other people. They couldn't even begin to imagine what I've been through and I can't really explain most of it, although I have posted throughout the forum on some of it.

Thanks for your posts, they're always nice to read.

 

[Forever]

A quote I'd like to put on that may be of worth to this thread:

“Years ago I began the process of trying to remove myself from an abusive relationship that started when I was a teenager. Over the course of that relationship I was systematically cut off from anyone and everyone that I could truly be close to. I was talked down to, yelled at, locked into rooms and criticized daily about my abilities, my weight, my looks, my intelligence and almost every move I made. When I couldn’t take it anymore and I wanted to end the relationship I was threatened, then I was told I was loved, and the cycle would begin again.

I want young women and young men to understand that this kind of treatment of others can happen where it might be least expected. Even in environments that thrive on creativity and open-mindedness, that advocate artistic and counter-culture ideals. Sometimes people will use these things to camouflage themselves so that their abuse might go unnoticed. So that you wouldn’t think to consider it could be happening right in front of you.

The clarity I’ve gained since getting out of that situation has opened up my life in a way that I didn’t imagine was possible. Although some of the pain and anger still lingers, my life finally feels as though it has value and meaning. I speak out now hoping that I can encourage other young women and young men to affirm their value within their relationships or get out. Abuse isn’t always obvious and it doesn’t have to involve black eyes, blood and broken bones. Emotional and psychological abuse can be just as damaging, and it is extremely difficult to remove yourself from.

Those that have known me throughout my career might be surprised that someone who publicly gave the impression of being fearless and seemed as though they didn’t take shit from anyone could find themselves being severely mistreated and manipulated by someone they were close to. This person nearly stripped me of myself. And for years I felt as though they were waiting for my life to end.”

I suffer from emotional and psychological abuse not too long ago and I doorslammed all those people. Just saying. It's taking a very long time to build myself again. Because consistent and reinforcing abuse isn't just solvable, I believe it goes past your conscious psyche and you have to rewire and build positive things in yourself. I can be apathetic and have no idea why, but I think I know the cause of it.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

For the group, I'd be curious (as general feedback on these kinds of thread) to hear what they are finding valuable and or what they see these threads offer the group.

I'm not sure these threads offer any valuable to "the group". In fact, a past "INFJ doorslam" thread caused a great deal of hostility and more than a couple INFJs left the forum as a result.

What I personally find valuable is hearing other INFJs' accounts of (the internal reasons for) why it happens because it helps me to see/understand my own internal reactions more clearly, among other reasons.

 

[Ursa]

Here are several examples. Mind you, whether you believe it or not, a lot of the people on this forum know each other irl and also know me. Some of them were my friends, so some of them will recognize themselves here in this post. I won't use real names, to protect the guilty.

One of my girlfriends wanted to commit suicide. She told me I couldn't tell anyone that she was feeling that way. Fine. One of my beliefs at the time was when a really good and cherished friend asks you to keep something secret, you do. So, I did. Time went on and I did everything, I mean everything in my power to help hoping she might get better, but there came a point where she actually started planning how to do it. Of course, she told me these things and I then became a nervous wreck. Finally, I made an appointment with the psychiatrist where she was getting therapy (no, she didn't tell her therapist she was feeling this way, only me) and I told the psychiatrist what she was feeling and planning. Then I got out of the relationship. So, I guess I was wrong to try to help her, and according to her in a bitter letter she wrote to me months later, I was also wrong to have broken the bond of friendship that we had. Until her suicidal tendencies started showing up, we were the best of friends, I really loved her. So, you see, I tried to help. But it became too much for to bear. DOOR SLAM.

I had a male friend who was my best friend. We talked everyday on the phone and would also meet once in a while. One day he said he was going to California and I never heard from him again. Later, I found out he was a con-man. I found out that he was an actor and was not only the person I thought he was, but also many other of the friends I had made as well. He used makeup and prosthetics to pretend he was someone else, and let me tell you, when someone is a Holly wood actor, there is no limit to the access they have to makeup and prosthetics they want to either purchase for themselves or borrow for a given role they want to play, irl. IOW, he was at least 3 other people, unrecognizable to me, and so I was telling him about things that he already knew about, since he WAS the person I was telling him about. If you don't think this is possible, think again. DOOR SLAM.

One of my other friends was his twin sister. I didn't know they were even related, until I found out years later. She befriended me and also used the prosthetics and makeup trick. So, I knew her as one person and then again as a few more people, who I though were completely new people in my life, but they weren't. They were, as in her brother's case, not new, but HER altered. Turns out, she had my husband's child (before I met my husband) but it didn't stop there. She had fallen in love with my husband way back when, and continued to stalk him, using disguises, and inevitably, he feel for it. They slept together on several occasions over a span of 40 years, though I didn't know that until recently. DOOR SLAM SHUT!

Now, tell me, if I didn't know what was going on because of the nature of the deception, how was i suppose to "talk to them about my concerns". I had established healthy boundaries early on. I have always had very good boundaries when it comes to the real world. But then, I think the situations I've encountered are not your normal, everyday situations so maybe this has nothing to do with what you're saying.

I want to let you know that I am very sorry that happened to you. It is always a shock to me that a person could treat another in such as a bizzarely vicious and duplicitous manner. How horrible. I think you were absolutely correct to cut these people loose, and I hope you have someone to talk to about what happened to you, and that you are better now.

These extreme behaviors weren't what I had in mind when I posted, but I'm still happy you took the time to share your experiences because they question my assumptions about the INFJ doorslam. This thread may have run its course, but in retrospect (or in case anyone else wants to add to the thread), I think a conclusion on what precisely we mean by INFJ doorslam is necessary or we (the participants in this thread) will only talk past each other.

 

[GIjade]

I want to let you know that I am very sorry that happened to you.

Thank you.

 

[Adfectus]

(Scroll to bottom for TL;DR)


I'm an ENFJ, but I've definitely "door slammed" people in my life over the years. I even went so far as to door slam literally everyone out for a period of time that wasn't my immediate family. I Didn't speak to anyone at school and was practically mute and invisible.

I can't speak much for INFJs, but I think ENFJs are similar enough (even to be mistyped as each other) to offer some insight.

Back in December I ended up door slamming my best friend. I still haven't spoken to her or reached out. (She did try and reach out to me in person but the conversation didn't even last a minute)

We had been friends for about two years, and we were very close. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I'm almost positive she's actually borderline. She would be very controlling as to what friends I had, was always so jealous if I spent time with anyone without her, she even had some animosity towards my sister. She did a lot of things to upset me, and when I'm upset I tend to withdraw so I don't take things out on people. She'd know I was upset by this, and would always buy me an expensive gift to try and make up for it.

I used to excuse her behavior with things like "it's ok, she can't help it she has these issues", "I need to be supportive, she probably doesn't mean the way it's coming out", or "it's ok she's just upset about something and taking it out on me she'll apologize later as usual and doesn't really mean it." Well she did mean everything and it always repeated itself. I had tried several ways to slowly distance the relationship so it would gradually just fall apart without too much drama or complications, but she was hell bent on trying to keep me under her control.

The final straw for me was when we had gone shopping at the mall, and I brought my sister because she wanted to get some gifts. We were Christmas shopping. She didn't know my sister was coming, and was really surprised by it. (I didn't tell her because I wanted to see if her attitude changed when she saw my sister, and it definitely did.) the plan was to.go shopping, and then eat dinner a restaurant afterwards. While we were shopping, she kept running off trying to make me come find her. It was so hard to keep up with where she was along with keeping an eye on my younger sister. I ended up just giving up trying to keep track of her and stuck with my sister. She came and found me, and was like " why are you always with your sister you never wanna go look at stuff with me". This lead to an argument about how she Ws running off and I couldn't keep track etc etc.

Well we leave the mall, and as we're driving To go get dinner,she gets a call from a friend. He "needed to be picked up immediately" because "he's at his boyfriend's house and he's an alcoholic and a lot older who's also in therapy for anger management and he's having an outburst". So of course I'm like Oh my god of course. Her friend was in my English lecture, so I knew who he was and what not. So I drive alllll the way over there to go pick him up, and he's waiting outside for us. It took about an hour to get to where he was at, and my friend (we'll call her Mariah) was completely silent the entire way there.

I figured she was just worried about her friend (we'll call him Jake) and didn't wanna speak. Well I get to his boyfriend's house and it's not even his house. They were at a therapy session with a counselor and completely fine!!! I found this out after Jake got in the car and started talking to Mariah (who btw proceeded to completely disregard anything me or my sister had to say). I didn't wanna put either of them on the spot by being like "Mariah said you were in danger" but I was really irritated on the drive back. I dropped Jake off at his dorm, and Mariah, my sister and I were going to FINALLY get dinner. (It's like 9pm at this point and I'm just over the whole day) We arrive at the restaurant and Mariah says "just take me back to my dorm".

My sister was about to blow up, but I was just like "fine". On the way back to her dorm I was trying trying to rationalize everything that happened and I just figured maybe she was mad I brought my sister because she wanted to tell me something in private, but then what even was the whole ordeal with her friend? Why did he need to be picked up that moment? Why did she feel the need to fabricate some terrible situation to get me to go? So I drop her off, and get out of the car to give her a hug. She dodges my hug, and flicks me off. That was it.

She lied, rejected my affection, and manipulated me so that I would do something. That in addition to all of the past drama she caused in my life was my breaking point. I told her we couldn't be friends and just cut her out completely by blocking her on social media, her phone number, email, etc. It was hard at first but I'm glad that I did.

(TL;DR) I think it was something I had to do because I had tried to kind of distance everything, but it's really hard for me to slowly let go because I'm always trying to see the best in everyone. My mother always told me "when someone shows you who they really are, believe them" and Mariah had made very clear who she was that day. If I had tried to continue drifting, I would've been sucked back in. I really had to "slam the door" and not look back, and my life has been so much better since. I've been able to get close to so many more people and I haven't been sucked unto any drama or conflict (which I absolutely hate). It was definitely a last resort self defense thing because I knew I would get sucked back in if I didn't just end it there and then.

I think the main common factor with the way NFJs door slam is the psychological abuse. We're very empathic and always wanting to see the best in people, but if you break our trust or abuse our emotions and gifts... It's over and there's no coming back. I honestly didn't even feel that sad after I had cut Mariah out. We were best friends and really close, but after everything she had done to abuse my empathy I just couldn't look at her. I felt violated, bought, and used.

 

[GIjade]

Your post sounds just like two that friends I had. One in Georgia, the other in Barbados. Glad to hear you slammed that door.

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

Life would be much more easy if only INFJ slammed the doors........

 

[Tiltyred]

I'm an INFP and I doorslam. I do it as a last resort, when it is clear the other person and I cannot agree even after repeated negotiation, and I deem the relationship unsalvageable. I have the sense that my life is short, and I don't have time to spend it going round and round about the same stupid thing over and over again. That's a big reason. Another reason is betrayal. If you betray my trust or my confidences and I find out about it, it's very upsetting to me and I might doorslam because there's nothing to talk about. I have had my share of hurts and my capacity is only so big. I won't take second chances because I can only sustain so much damage. So if you have character defects that I can see are going to cause me damage such that I have to nearly be someone else to be around you in compensation for those character defects, it's not a true friendship anyway, and I'll door slam. I have been doorslammed and I realize it's disconcerting. I too have the impulse to continue reaching out and being all "but ... but ..." however in my old age I'll try once, and if my effort is rebuffed, I don't pester. You gotta respect the doorslam. They're just tired of fooling with you.

 

[iwakar]

INFJs have you done this? What is the purpose of it? Why be so binary/absolute?

Others have you been door slammed? How did you experience it?

It's supposedly a last resort defense mechanism where the INFJ puts up a huge wall. There are two kinds
1. Raw emotional doorslam - INFJ feels really hurt. The person violated and betrayed you in some way or you feel they don't care about you.
2. Rational thought out door closed - This works when the iNFJ uses it on a thinking type. It is more calm and reasoned out. Maybe you felt they didn't care about you and you made a lot of effort to talk to them. They feel the relationship is too one sided

The common thread is feeling like the INFJ is putting in all the work and the other person through their behaviors or actions is not perceived as reciprocating. The INFJ just moves on.

There is establishing boundaries and there are melodramatic power plays. Grudges and affirmations on this behavior will correlate to these spectrum poles. It's a psychological defense like so many others that can be used/abused with (im)maturation and (in)consideration.