ShadowPage
New member
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2009
- Messages
- 46
Warning: this post will be fairly long, rambling, and a bit on the sad side. 
This is one of the scariest things I've done- purposefully write my thoughts where people can and most likely will see them. I'm scared that others might use this information to figure out my 'real life' self. I'm scared that people will read this post and dismiss me as an idiot. I'm afraid that even though I tend to have some unfounded/irrational fears, I might be right this time. (Yea, I'm just brimming with confidence, I know.)
I came to TypeC with the hopes that not only would I be able to gain confidence in my type (or, if I find out that I am totally wrong, figure out what it is) and, using the common ground of personality typing in general, gain confidence enough to interact with people and maybe make some online connections.
While I've only been a member for about two weeks now, I find myself in the exact same spot of trouble that I have with socializing in real life: I can't join conversations and I am afraid to start any. I hate the idea of 'barging' into conversations (and if a thread is already really long, I find it difficult to read through everything just to have a sense of what's gone on up until the last post) if I don't have anything really good or interesting to say. I don't want to start conversations because I never feel like I have anything to say that would spark real discussion (lengthy or intense, it doesn't have to be both).
Hmm, just from rereading what I wrote I have to wonder if I just don't think any of my thoughts or opinions are worth much. I guess that isn't completely untrue. There's also the fact that I don't want to come off as whiny, stupid, or any of those other things that falls under 'irrelevant'. Yea, I don't want to be irrelevant. And yet, I stay as far out of most conversations as I can- I'll mainly either watch, read, or listen.
By the way, I wonder if my "What's My Type" thread ended up largely un-replied to because of my title. I put an edit on it referencing this concern but I still couldn't fully let go of it. I only bring this up again because it provides a really good example of another issue of mine: I fear unsuccessful performances. If I think that there's something that I could have worded or done better because I didn't get the response I expected, then I alternate between worrying that I can't do anything right and irritation that I should have any expectations of the way something should happen.
Then there's my type itself. I've come quite some way since I first even heard of Personality typing. I won't get into too much of the backstory now, but in the least three months or so, I had to realize that I wasn't looking at typing in regards to myself the right way. I thought I was an INFP, but in truth, my desire to be as different from other people as possible might have pushed that perception along more than any manifestation of it in my actual behavior. Also, when I considered function analysis, I can't honestly say if I'm any good with Ne anyway. (Not to say that my Se is on point, but at least I could admit to being pretty aware of my environment whether I reacted to it or not.)
Then there's the matter of temperaments. When I read PUM I and II again, I had to admit it: as much difficulty as I have with finding much to identify with in any of the overall descriptions, the Idealist descriptions were still not as relate-able to me as those of the Artisans. This led me to think more about the differences in INFPs and ISFPs- I actually read a few of the threads here on the subject when I lurked. In something of a cyclical fashion, I read individual type descriptions and temperament descriptions until I pulled a winner out of the struggle.
However, a few days after determining my type that time, I still couldn't be satisfied. What if I was giving myself too much credit? I wondered if maybe I was an ESFP or ISFJ (totally different function orientations altogether!
). I guess I was trying to fit in as many descriptions of my type as I saw it as I could and everything that didn't quite mesh was a source of frustration.
I'll be the first to say it though, I am probably reading way too much into this. However, that's just because I really want it to work. I want to be able to believe in it and if it doesn't work, then I can't. *sigh* I don't know if I really believe that now, even though I do think it from time to time (or else I wouldn't have mentioned it, right?
). I know that this is all tied to a theory and that nobody can be perfectly described in a given type (not to mention the fact that I still think there are people who might not even fall into one of the 16 spots), though.
Nearing the end of my rambling:
I realized something interesting about myself yesterday- I'm somewhat preoccupied with figuring myself out. I want to know myself as well as I can. The problem is, I don't really think that I can (and I've been trying for a while now). I don't even know where to begin trying to understand myself and I want this theory to help me (to do the legwork, if you will). As I wrote when I wrote about it yesterday, "...I despair that I'll never know and I really will be a figment of my own imagination."
This preoccupation led me to another interesting self-discovery (it's kind of funny how I can make these sort of things happen and it's still like I have no idea who I am.) : I want a world-view that is just my own. More quoting: "I want to be different, separate and unique- just like the characters in my favorite stories. I read about their opinions, experiences, and perspectives- theirs alone. I want that too... I want a worldview that is just mine. I want a reality that is just mine. My own abilities, strengths, and forms of knowledge. Somehow, I thought that typing would give me that. My own brand, my own way- if I can't figure it out for myself, then I'd go looking for it until I got it and I would make it mine."
I admit that it sounds self-centered. I wonder if that is a failure of my personal growth or what... It probably is. I know that as a person I still have much growing to do, even if I don't know how to at the moment.
Finally: I would really, really, appreciate it if people responded to this post. Please. Anything- anything about me that strikes you- type wise or in general. :blushing:
This is one of the scariest things I've done- purposefully write my thoughts where people can and most likely will see them. I'm scared that others might use this information to figure out my 'real life' self. I'm scared that people will read this post and dismiss me as an idiot. I'm afraid that even though I tend to have some unfounded/irrational fears, I might be right this time. (Yea, I'm just brimming with confidence, I know.)
I came to TypeC with the hopes that not only would I be able to gain confidence in my type (or, if I find out that I am totally wrong, figure out what it is) and, using the common ground of personality typing in general, gain confidence enough to interact with people and maybe make some online connections.
While I've only been a member for about two weeks now, I find myself in the exact same spot of trouble that I have with socializing in real life: I can't join conversations and I am afraid to start any. I hate the idea of 'barging' into conversations (and if a thread is already really long, I find it difficult to read through everything just to have a sense of what's gone on up until the last post) if I don't have anything really good or interesting to say. I don't want to start conversations because I never feel like I have anything to say that would spark real discussion (lengthy or intense, it doesn't have to be both).
Hmm, just from rereading what I wrote I have to wonder if I just don't think any of my thoughts or opinions are worth much. I guess that isn't completely untrue. There's also the fact that I don't want to come off as whiny, stupid, or any of those other things that falls under 'irrelevant'. Yea, I don't want to be irrelevant. And yet, I stay as far out of most conversations as I can- I'll mainly either watch, read, or listen.
By the way, I wonder if my "What's My Type" thread ended up largely un-replied to because of my title. I put an edit on it referencing this concern but I still couldn't fully let go of it. I only bring this up again because it provides a really good example of another issue of mine: I fear unsuccessful performances. If I think that there's something that I could have worded or done better because I didn't get the response I expected, then I alternate between worrying that I can't do anything right and irritation that I should have any expectations of the way something should happen.
Then there's my type itself. I've come quite some way since I first even heard of Personality typing. I won't get into too much of the backstory now, but in the least three months or so, I had to realize that I wasn't looking at typing in regards to myself the right way. I thought I was an INFP, but in truth, my desire to be as different from other people as possible might have pushed that perception along more than any manifestation of it in my actual behavior. Also, when I considered function analysis, I can't honestly say if I'm any good with Ne anyway. (Not to say that my Se is on point, but at least I could admit to being pretty aware of my environment whether I reacted to it or not.)
Then there's the matter of temperaments. When I read PUM I and II again, I had to admit it: as much difficulty as I have with finding much to identify with in any of the overall descriptions, the Idealist descriptions were still not as relate-able to me as those of the Artisans. This led me to think more about the differences in INFPs and ISFPs- I actually read a few of the threads here on the subject when I lurked. In something of a cyclical fashion, I read individual type descriptions and temperament descriptions until I pulled a winner out of the struggle.
However, a few days after determining my type that time, I still couldn't be satisfied. What if I was giving myself too much credit? I wondered if maybe I was an ESFP or ISFJ (totally different function orientations altogether!
). I guess I was trying to fit in as many descriptions of my type as I saw it as I could and everything that didn't quite mesh was a source of frustration. I'll be the first to say it though, I am probably reading way too much into this. However, that's just because I really want it to work. I want to be able to believe in it and if it doesn't work, then I can't. *sigh* I don't know if I really believe that now, even though I do think it from time to time (or else I wouldn't have mentioned it, right?
). I know that this is all tied to a theory and that nobody can be perfectly described in a given type (not to mention the fact that I still think there are people who might not even fall into one of the 16 spots), though. Nearing the end of my rambling:
I realized something interesting about myself yesterday- I'm somewhat preoccupied with figuring myself out. I want to know myself as well as I can. The problem is, I don't really think that I can (and I've been trying for a while now). I don't even know where to begin trying to understand myself and I want this theory to help me (to do the legwork, if you will). As I wrote when I wrote about it yesterday, "...I despair that I'll never know and I really will be a figment of my own imagination."
This preoccupation led me to another interesting self-discovery (it's kind of funny how I can make these sort of things happen and it's still like I have no idea who I am.) : I want a world-view that is just my own. More quoting: "I want to be different, separate and unique- just like the characters in my favorite stories. I read about their opinions, experiences, and perspectives- theirs alone. I want that too... I want a worldview that is just mine. I want a reality that is just mine. My own abilities, strengths, and forms of knowledge. Somehow, I thought that typing would give me that. My own brand, my own way- if I can't figure it out for myself, then I'd go looking for it until I got it and I would make it mine."
I admit that it sounds self-centered. I wonder if that is a failure of my personal growth or what... It probably is. I know that as a person I still have much growing to do, even if I don't know how to at the moment.
Finally: I would really, really, appreciate it if people responded to this post. Please. Anything- anything about me that strikes you- type wise or in general. :blushing:
