These things times a million. I just had a conversation this weekend along these lines. I wanted to go out, there were people I could call to do so, but nary a one of them constituted someone that made me feel that pull. My extroversion has caused me to go against that feeling sometimes, and about halfway through the outing I end up feeling more alone (and not to mention annoyed) than if I'd just stayed home.
Yes. I've gone to those gatherings in the past, so it's not like I don't know what I'll be getting there -- unless someone completely new just happened to show up, and I just happen to "click" with them, and they happen to actually live nearby...
So I'd drive home feeling a low-key glad that I went and got to see people, but also a kind of pervasive gentle sadness that it wasn't more than what it was... and feeling drained to boot.
The only few people I've ever really gotten close to merging with, I've essentially lost. I don't know if I have it in me to keep that search up. Not being fatalistic, but ... I just don't know if I'll ever find it again.
It's hard to define what that thing is exactly. There are a very select group of people whom I just merge with and can be with them 24/7, then there are people I just don't. My best guess on how this ties back to being an sp-second is that, on the one hand, there is a sort of fastidiousness with one's resources, especially one's time and energy. I simply don't have much to say to people who I can sense aren't on the level.
yes. And I feel bad because more sensory, less-SX'y folks will say, "Oh, you just have to try harder to make a connection." I don't bother to explain anymore, they don't understand about how it works. I can tell very quickly whether it's worth my time. I've barely been on any dates in the last few years; the last guy, I met him twice ("dates" but it was really a hiking path and then a bookstore), and we had a good time talking, but the "click" wasn't there at all. He was actually very articulate in some areas and I liked talking to him -- smart and knowledgeable -- but that was all. Nothing wrong with him, but despite the nice conversation, it just drained me and I couldn't feel a connection. Just not worth trying to justify it anymore, I just need to make a decision and then move on.
On the other, there's something special about shared space that I'm having trouble articulating. It's like you let down the wall, and there's a sense of comfortable openness. I'm not 100% sure what I'm getting at except to say that I associate the self-preservation instinct with walls and barriers. I think what we've been discussing regarding the need for emotional self-restraint is tied up in that--it's the push. When you are with someone where there's connection it's like you're including them on your island, and offering up all those resources you've accumulated to their benefit. Mi casa es su casa, which we make la nuestra.
I know. People who get into that space are part of me and I share everything with them, all I have is theirs. Books, food, computer resources, I drop any structured veneer and am just me. We're part of an identity together, even if I'm still aware of myself there; but you get all of me, not just portions, and it's shared space.
I will admit that if you are not part of my shared space and you start tapping into my carefully planned and measured resources (I know how much food I have, how much drink I have, blah blah blah), inside I will start to get really irritated. It's just that I didn't plan to cache supplies for you! I need some warning.
There's a promiscuity to the sx/so approach that kinda baffles me. I think whereas the sx pit causes us to want to go deeper, wanting to know someone totally (consuming and being consumed), their's pushes them outward. Everything's so big and luminous...I dunno. Suggesting the difference is quantity over quality is more dismissive than I wanna go, but it's an interesting contrast that I'd be interested in getting your take on.
Well, I think I understand SO variants the least, tbh. And am not sure if I've met an sx/so IRL. What I don't understand about SO is not why it wants to relate (I get that as an SX), I don't understand why it STOPS relating at a certain point if you get my drift and can stay broader vs deeper. I don't get that at all -- why would anyone want to just stop there? Lol.
I think for all that the Social instinct is a blindspot for us, it's one we know we've got, which is where I think the fear of loss of control stems from. It's a combination of a) the notion that the things we need can be provided through our community not being innate, so we always assume we've gotta go it alone or perish. And b) past experiences of social rejection causing us to view the community as "Other".
Well in that sense, while I've had tastes of "community," it has never really provided much for me, so no, I don't trust the loose connection there. To me it feels very much like throwing yourself off a cliff, to trust that if I was in trouble the "community" would somehow step in and catch me. I think I've noted before that no matter how friendly I am with people, unless it's a deep resonating relationship, I don't feel like I truly belong or that I'm part of the group. That's been pretty constant throughout my life and I doubt it will change now.
We don't feel ourselves to be a part of it, creating distrust, leading to a bunker mentality where all interactions take place in the context of potentially hostile territory. I dunno.
Well, for me not necessarily hostile (I don't think there are many who are out specifically to hurt or fleece me), but... indifferent. The world is indifferent. It might not mean me harm, but it's not looking out for me either. I can't depend on it. I can only depend either on myself or on specific individuals I have vetted and have connection with.
These are elements of the push-pull without either or any of the ideas being the whole story. I'm wondering now, though, if our mutual love for horror films is 'cause we identify with the monsters...
I can't find the clip now, but immediately "Super 8" sprang to mind, with Joe being held by the alien and saying, "Bad things happen, but you can still live."
I do identify with outsiders, and the lone explorers who are brave enough to go into dark places, sometimes alone. I'm not as openly dogmatic as Jodie Foster in "Contact" or sound so zealous, but that might as well have been me stepping into the ship, with all the same anxiety, compulsive curiosity, loneliness, humanitarism, and dedication to knowledge.
I think you've elevated it, actually.
lol. It feels like I changed the topic a bit, but at least it is a good discussion.
