My dad is a friendly person and in some ways huggier and kissier than my mum (like with visiting relatives etc). He is however the same whether talking to a stranger, the next door neighbours or with his family. There are no varying intimacy levels in his relationships. He does not really have any close friends and I don't think anyone knows his inmost thoughts. When there is something truly wrong, he takes the route of avoidance and acts as if nothing has ever happened. If really confronted about something that's big (and I mean something that is doing severe long term damage to the relationship) his response is to either just look at the floor and say nothing or "I don't know" and then act as if it never happened or alternatively to respond that others are better at this than him and go on like nothing happened. Either way, nothing gets fixed. I once tried to talk to him when I was in high school because he and my mum were going through a bad time. I said that I felt bad that I was closer to her and that I felt like I really didn't know him and that I worried for him because it seems like it must be lonely. He said he was sometimes, and that he thought that she's a better communicator than him and too much has happened for him to fix. That was over 10 years ago. Each problem has just gotten pushed along and there is not enough information to work with to know how to help. The message communicated to my mum is that he really doesn't care, and I know that isn't the case.
In the other case, my boyfriend and I were together for 5 years. We had many big differences, but the biggest was our style of communication. I need a problem to be resolved before I can let things go, or at least enough information to make sense of it in my head. He would not talk about conflict between us in person, hates the phone and did not respond to emails or anything else I could think of. As a result, I felt increasingly unsure of myself and unloved (even though I am generally a confident happy person). I found that before every holiday where we would be apart, he would be very distant and rude to me for about a month and spend time with people he didn't care about at all. He was not close to many people, but at times would let me see the depth of what he felt and I knew he really loved me.
At the end of the year, we will be going to opposite ends of the country. Shortly before we broke up, he told me that he had been distancing me on purpose but realized that had not been the best course of action and he wanted us to spend more time together. Then about three weeks later he suddenly broke up with me without explanation or visible emotion. In that three week period things were strained and he just kept on cooking more meals for me and making appointments to talk, but then acting like everything was normal and not talking about the elephant in the room. (That was in Februrary) Now he alternates between acting like strangers (we work together and live in adjacent apartments in a small community of teachers), like old and familiar close friends, and a polite neighbour. He has also started partying constantly and with people of low character, which is very uncharacteristic of him. These appear to be signs that all is not well, but I don't know how to help him or how to leave here feeling that things between us are okay even if we are no longer together. I'm also worried for him because I was one of 2 or 3 people that he is ever real with.
In both cases I love these people dearly, what they are doing does not seem to be resulting in happiness for them but what I am doing does not seem to be the right approach. I know both types are uncomfortable even with their own emotions, let alone others and as an NF, I probably would more weight on emotions than average. We speak different languages and while I understand the need to make some adjustments to their style and not expect them to do what I would, I need enough information to know where to go with it.