[sp] Sp doms COME HERE!

[Tallulah]

Sp/Sx Type 1w9 here.

It affects my type since I focus my perfectionism on my loved ones. "I criticize you, I love you." But it is constructive criticism.

If there are any other ways, I´ll post when I can find a reasonable explanation to them.

Hang-ups?

What I said above, the hardest part of close relationships is making the other part accept my criticism. Another thing, is when my Sx takes over and releases all my repressed anger, I can be harsh on my loved ones, unintentionally. Because I´m awful at taking into account other people´s feelings, I have no idea of the impact that my intensity can have on them. Still, people who knows me well enough can understand and accept this.

That sounds kind of hard to deal with...is this criticism unsolicited? It would be very hard for me to accept that in a relationship, however well-intentioned.

 

[Kasper]

Hey.

Hey!

On the other hand, I've been frustrated sometimes trying to date fellow NTs because I want to know more about them as people and I need them to let down their guards so we can connect. I can discuss ideas and abstract concepts with you all day long, but we're not getting anywhere, relationship-wise, unless I feel like I can be completely open with you, and you with me. I fight that sp thing in a relationship. I want the openness, and I'm also kind of terrified of it.

Get that.

I was going over the people in this thread who were Sp doms earlier and noting that it's often people who I can like just as much as anyone but feel they are unreachable in a way, that leaves me not too sure of where I stand so I give them mucho space, for that reason I don't think a relationship with another Sp dom would be easy. It may be about being a Sp dom, or it may be those who have Sx as the last preference, I'm not sure.

Theoretically a NT Sx dom would work but a NT Sp dom would likely result in a relationship with great potential for depth but trouble breaking through to it.

 

[wolfy]

Space is always an issue. I like this thing on Nine:Self-pres/Sexual. I was kind of sad there were no other nine sp/sx. Not so much now, at least there are other sp/sx I can forge relationships with while preserving my independence now.

Nine:Self-pres/Sexual.

This subtype is self-effacing also, but is generally more assertive. They may be the subtype of Nine which is most aware of the boundaries between themselves and others and at the same time, possibly the most frustrated when those boundaries are violated. They can be aware of being walked over and they might even be aware of the anger it causes, but they become frustrated with their seeming inability to control this pattern. This is true, to some degree, of all Nines, but with the self-pres/sexual instinctual stacking, there seems to be a complex and interesting balance between the withdrawing energy caused by the dominant self-pres instinct and the assertive energy of the sexual instinct. This combination seems to raise consciousness of this dynamic.

Getting healthy for this subtype, and for all Nines, involves becoming aware of this dynamic and realizing they do have the power to control their boundaries. Part of this must come from the realization on the part of the Nine that they have invited this overstepping of their boundaries from others by not defining them.
Close relationships will usually work or not for this subtype depending on how well they deal with this issue.

 

[Snoopy22]

sp/so/sx and a 9, do not remember my wing, don’t really care, I’d rather not spend time analyzing myself when it’s more fun analyzing other people.

 

[KiwiBurst]

ENFP 6w7 sp/so

Physical health and safety are by far the most important things to me. But to be fair, I used to be a hypochondriac.

 

[Donna Cecilia]

That sounds kind of hard to deal with...is this criticism unsolicited? It would be very hard for me to accept that in a relationship, however well-intentioned.

The line you turned bold is a strong quote, I know.

As I lived, I´ve learned to use the proper words, to make it polite and encouraging at the same time.

But, looking at your signature, you don´t seem to disagree with mean behaviour.

 

[Tallulah]

The line you turned bold is a strong quote, I know.

As I lived, I´ve learned to use the proper words, to make it polite and encouraging at the same time.

But, looking at your signature, you don´t seem to disagree with mean behaviour.

Heh heh.

I'm not picking on you, but I am genuinely curious about what you're saying here. Are you expecting people to accept unsolicited (constructive) criticism on a regular basis because you feel like it's just part of the package with you? Or is it something that you're working on, but know that there will always be that little bit that wants to keep nudging people?

 

[Donna Cecilia]

Are you expecting people to accept unsolicited (constructive) criticism on a regular basis because you feel like it's just part of the package with you?

To be honest, yes. It´s something that makes me be who I am, and I work hard to make people accept it.

Or is it something that you're working on, but know that there will always be that little bit that wants to keep nudging people?

I can´t avoid being a critic, of everything (myself included, and first of all). I find faults without effort. But, I have worked on it all this time to make it sound encouraging, rather than criticizing: I tell them how to improve something that is already fine with them (which is false for the most part), rather than how to fix a faulty aspect of themselves (the hurtful truth).

By the way, I never thought that you were picking on me, I act defensively by nature. Also without noticing it myself.

 

[Uytuun]

5w4 sp/so...I don't think I'm sx second and I'm definitely sp first.

 

[Coriolis]

I can´t avoid being a critic, of everything (myself included, and first of all). I find faults without effort. But, I have worked on it all this time to make it sound encouraging, rather than criticizing: I tell them how to improve something that is already fine with them (which is false for the most part), rather than how to fix a faulty aspect of themselves (the hurtful truth).

I understand this well, DC, and do the same thing myself. You are correct in that the key is to deliver the criticism in a way that is kind and encouraging, rather than mean and belittling. It is also important to make sure the criticism is, indeed, constructive -- meaning that it is information the person can use to their direct benefit, if they so choose.

I try to focus my criticism on someone's actions/words rather than on themselves as a person. My intention is to make it more objective and less personal, and therefore (hopefully) less likely to come across as an insult. When possible, I express it as a suggestion, or even a question, e.g. "You seem to be having some trouble there. Have you tried/considered doing it this way?" Of course, criticism is a bit like advice: unless it comes from a boss or a parent, one is generally free to ignore it.

 

[WoodsWoman]

4w5 sp/sx

 

[21%]

4w5 sp/sx here too

 

[Uytuun]

For sp/so s...do you find that you navigate the social realm more easily than you do the romantic realm? I do. Actually, what does it mean to be sx last? Certainly not a lack of intensity in romance IME.

 

[Kasper]

For sp/so s...do you find that you navigate the social realm more easily than you do the romantic realm? I do. Actually, what does it mean to be sx last? Certainly not a lack of intensity in romance IME.

I certainly do. I also tend towards friendships with people over romantic relationships as a default, it generally takes them suggesting otherwise for me to consider the possibility. Not sure of my partners instincts but he'd be a 5w4 so very non-clingy which makes it easier for me to navigate.

For me having sx last may impact with me being completely happy to talk to people one-on-one but keeping myself quite guarded in that situation, I don't like the focus to me on my personal life unless it's people I'm really close too.

 

[bcvcdc]

S(I don't mean to brag, but supervisors love me and put me in positions of leadership even if I don't quite like/want them.)

Tell me, what's the point in that? I mean, there is actually no practical value in doing that, is there. Putting somebody in a leadership position who doesn't know anything about leadership and doesn't quite want to be there makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

 

[cascadeco]

Tell me, what's the point in that? I mean, there is actually no practical value in doing that, is there. Putting somebody in a leadership position who doesn't know anything about leadership and doesn't quite want to be there makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

Practical value? I do not know. Maybe I worded it incorrectly. By my not really wanting to be there, that's more an aspect of my introversion and my not ideally liking to monitor/supervise over others; I prefer working independently. But I can 'pull off' the leadership thing fine... it's just more emotionally/mentally draining for me, than it would be for, say, an ExxJ who thrives much more in the spotlight. So I don't consider myself a natural leader in comparison to ExxJ's, but have the ability to keep things moving and get things done, so I think that's why I'm given more responsibility.

---------------------

For sp/so s...do you find that you navigate the social realm more easily than you do the romantic realm? I do. Actually, what does it mean to be sx last? Certainly not a lack of intensity in romance IME.

For me having sx last may impact with me being completely happy to talk to people one-on-one but keeping myself quite guarded in that situation, I don't like the focus to me on my personal life unless it's people I'm really close too.

I can definitely relate to that. I keep most of my inner workings to myself, and don't really like talking about myself. My default mode is getting others to open up, I guess, as I really enjoy learning about others - it's a curiosity thing.

As for intensity in romantic relationships... I have had some very intense experiences, but they're few and far between and I also believe my definition/idea of intensity may be quite different from that of a dom-sx... at least in terms of what we discuss, and I don't really know how to word this, but.. the 'focal point' of the intensity? The manner of connection?

 

[tibby]

4w5 sp/sx infj. I sometimes wonder for a short period of time if I'm sx - in a 'comfortable' safe state I can let go of the sp somehow but it's always there, first, nevertheless. I feel like they contradict each other.

 

[Uytuun]

I certainly do. I also tend towards friendships with people over romantic relationships as a default, it generally takes them suggesting otherwise for me to consider the possibility. Not sure of my partners instincts but he'd be a 5w4 so very non-clingy which makes it easier for me to navigate.

For me having sx last may impact with me being completely happy to talk to people one-on-one but keeping myself quite guarded in that situation, I don't like the focus to me on my personal life unless it's people I'm really close too.

I'm actually hyperaware of romantic possibilities. I assume because they could potentially threaten the self-preservational aspect. When people are either formal impossibilities (taken, far away, zombie virus carriers - this is a particularly tricky category) or emotional/chemistry impossibilities (not attracted to them) I will let my guard down a *lot* more easily.

I can definitely relate to that. I keep most of my inner workings to myself, and don't really like talking about myself. My default mode is getting others to open up, I guess, as I really enjoy learning about others - it's a curiosity thing.

I actually don't know how I feel about learning about others. I enjoy understanding them and supporting them, but I'm not really invested myself.

When I let people in, it's a different story...I am prone to losing myself and investing lots (actually the opposite of the sp thing). I've made some exciting, but at least on a couple of levels not very self-preservational moves.

As for intensity in romantic relationships... I have had some very intense experiences, but they're few and far between and I also believe my definition/idea of intensity may be quite different from that of a dom-sx... at least in terms of what we discuss, and I don't really know how to word this, but.. the 'focal point' of the intensity? The manner of connection?

How do you think the connection differs? Well, you said you didn't really know how to word it, but...try for us?

I feel like they contradict each other.

And all of what I've written makes me wonder if I'm not sx second after all. I've no doubts about sp first, but I can't seem to intuitively click with or commit to either so or sx for the second part. I don't relate to the misanthropic quality in the 5 sp/sx description for example. Neither do I relate to the lack of charisma or even some form of dramatic flair in the sx last description. Maybe that's the 5 vs. 4 aspect of it all.

Some days I'll feel detached and disconnected. Other days I'll be much more passionate.

 

[miss fortune]

:hi: I'm your enneagram twin here (7w8 sp/so)

I don't know how this translates to my real life... I like my friends and run away from them to talk to strangers frequently

I also feel compelled to help people out and feel resentful of the fact that I always end up feeling like I give more than I get

In other words... anyone wanna trade me instinctual stackings?

 

[cascadeco]

I'm actually hyperaware of romantic possibilities. I assume because they could potentially threaten the self-preservational aspect. When people are either formal impossibilities (taken, far away, zombie virus carriers - this is a particularly tricky category) or emotional/chemistry impossibilities (not attracted to them) I will let my guard down a *lot* more easily.

Oh, I relate very much to this. I'm hyper-aware of those who might be signalling an interest in me, romantically, which is problematic for me if I can't reciprocate (which is usually the case). It's very stressful for me if this mismatch/imbalance occurs.

How do you think the connection differs? Well, you said you didn't really know how to word it, but...try for us?

I'm gonna talk about connection in general - not specific to romance. With romance, it would just be what I'm referring to below, plus a really intense physical attraction/chemistry.

All I can say is that my impression of some of the sx-doms on here, and a few irl I've been a total mismatch with in terms of romantic compatiblity, is that their intensity is focused towards expression of feeling, of vulnerability, a willingness to plunge into the depths of.. whatever.. and expose and be naked and all-known to the other. Much more personalized.. 1:1 intensity, desire to share all inner workings, little to no boundaries or walls, a desire to merge completely with the other person.

A connection for me tends to revolve around an acceptance and sharing of ideas, thoughts, perspectives, and such. Not so personal, not tied to Me necessarily/specifically. Very idea/concept based; not centralized around my own inner workings or emotions. Yes, I express my emotions and personal fears/issues at times, but it's usually more of a declaration...'this is where I'm at'... I don't really want to 'explore' them with another. I basically handle these things in-house and they're not things I tend to want others to help me navigate through, nor do I really think they're pertinent/necessary for others to know about, if they don't really impact the Relationship itself.

Connection is also a blending of personalities... a good back-and-forth, both people giving and taking and interested in one another, really appreciating/caring/loving one another.

I would imagine a dom-sx might get frustrated with me, thinking they're not really seeing 'Me' or getting to know me because I DO sort through a lot of my personal stuff in-house and don't talk it out, and I also tend not to talk about myself or my issues/questions/problems in detail at all - just vague generalities - statements of fact, almost - not really wanting to discuss them - so truthfully I just don't connect that way and my best friends are ones who I have excellent conversations with, however, the content of the conversations just have very little to do with where I'm at internally. Unless I'm wanting input. But it's just input - not exploratory or anything. Almost clinical? Not vulnerable/raw.

If I can share my thoughts/ideas, and be understood/accepted, and vice versa, that tends to equate to a Big Connection. Connection = Intellectual & personality acceptance for me, I think. Big picture stuff; not based on them knowing everything about me or me knowing everything about them. It's like... knowing enough of their general characteristics and traits, but not needing/desiring the nitty-gritty inner workings/psychae. More intuitive? Blah, what a silly ramble this is. And I don't think I'm really getting at the key differences... I can't really put my finger on it, I just know I'm really different from dom-sx, and I think even aux-sx, so my conversational focus/'desire'/need must be quite different too.